Tinky Winky the Teletubbie has been under fire from the Reverend Jerry Falwell. Apparently Rev. Falwell believes that the tv tubby is gay. We of the Children of the Thug Immortal have learned the truth: Falwell is actually an ALIEN who has a beef with Tinky Winky that started when the two of them met Tupac and Biggie on Yilamhar.
The Thugminister was granted an interview with the teletubbie and 2PAC during a recent visit to the alien's planet.
"First of all, my name ain't 'Tinky Winky', it's TINK!" began the frustrated tubbie. "This whole 'Tinky Winky' thing came about 'cause a tubbie was tryin' to get paid on Earth on the BBC. I had met 2Pac after he was abducted by the greys and brought back to our world. See, us tubbies live on Yilamhar too, only the greys don't want anybody to know about us. They keep us on the south side of the planet, where there ain't much of anything-- no food, no water, nothing. I felt an instant connection the first time I heard rap, and especially 2pac and Biggie, because us tubbies been living on lock down just like Earth's black people. See the GREYS got their love of Hip Hop from US!" Apparently the grey space heads have been in conflict with the tubbies for hundreds of years. The only force that ended the vicious fighting between the two groups was when a grey space head had gotten a hold of a listening device from a tubbie. "Yeah," said Tink, "us tubbies were the ones who went to Earth FIRST and checked out the Rap Scene. WE began bringing back copies of rap material. Once the greys heard us checking out the beats and the bass they decided to ease up a little bit. A compromised was reached: they'd stop f**king with us so much, and we'd tell them all we knew about Hip Hop. After that, they decided to go to Earth to check things out, and they've been Freaknikking and trying to abduct rappers like Chris (Biggie) and Pac over here ever since. You see, that black human DJ, Scott La Rock, he's not DEAD; the GREYS got him too!!!!!!"
When asked what he knew about the Grey-Tubbie controversy, 2Pac had this to say. "Man, I ain't all up into politicking with these aliens, you know what I'm saying? All I know is grey, tubbie, whatever, yo, they got nothin' but LOVE for a nigga like Pac. But I will say this: I kicks it with the tubbies, and 'specially my nigga Tink over here, 'cause it seem like they just be FEELIN' me more, dawg. Besides, some of the tubbies can flow a lil' bit. I ain't met a grey that can do that yet, 'cept for Biggie's lil' space nigga, Gurbul. But it's all good though. The greys is keeping a nigga touring to both sides of the planet, so I'm straight for right now."
We asked Tink how he came to Earth and why he thought Falwell was after him. "After kicking with 2Pac and Biggie, I just had to come here and see some more real human brothers for myself, doing the music that I love. So I put in a request for a space ship trip to Earth. I got cleared, but when I tried to take 2Pac and Biggie with me, it was a problem 'cause the greys didn't want them to leave, yo. So then, here comes Laflewl (Falwell). He's a real bitch. He's the grey that's posing on your planet as the human Jerry Falwell. Anyway, he tries to get Pac and Biggie's autographs even though he won't let them leave the Planet, and they gave him no love, right? So he blames ME, and tells me that if I don't lay low while I'm visiting your planet, that he is going to try to make my whole stay on Earth MISERABLE. Then to top it all of, he programs the coordinants in my ship's computer so that I don't end up in Crenshaw, or Queens, or Atlanta, or DC, I end up on the other side of Earth in wack-ass London. Next time I see that bastard, I am gonna kick his ass! And that's why he started that gay sh*t after I got my own show with some of my buddies on the BBC! He's jealous! He's mad that he CAN'T make money being his true self on Earth, and he's still envies me because I'm so down with 2pac and he's NOT!"
The Thugminister had a chance to hang out with Tink for the rest of the day. The Thug Immortal had to keep a previous commitment, the details of which were vague but had something to do with Lady Di, Shanikwa, and a bottle of Thunderbird wine.
Tink showed me around the Real Teletubby Land, which is not anything like what is shown on the BBC. As Tink so elequently stated, "The BBC just does not want the world to know that Earth is not the only planet in the world where people of color are kept in the ghetto." Tink's neighborhood was complete with teletubby hustlers, crackheads, and other alien criminals as well as the law abiding teletubbies who are merely trying to get by in a world where they are held down by the greys. There were even young tubbies wearing sweatpants, baseball caps, and T-shirts that read "It's a Tubby Thing, You Wouldn't Understand", "Tubby Got Back", and "The Blacker the Tubby the Sweeter the Juice".
We later met up with the Notorious B.I.G. near a teletubby rap club called "Uh Oh". Apparently Biggie decided to forgo his protests for the moment about performing and decided to do a charity show for the tubbies, since as he puts it "They feeling a nigga, yo, they feeling me."
Biggie had this to say about the Falwell controversy: "We all know Falwell is just out to get paid. He tried to pimp religion on this planet and now he is doing it on Earth. He ain't nothing but a lying ass bitch who is just jealous of Tink because Tink gets more love than he do. He supposed to be coming up here tonight to do some sort of protest outside my show, but that's alright though. I'm a whip his ass when I see him for talking trash about my boy Tink. He better hope he can find Jesus by the time we get through with him!"
Biggie also said that Falwell's accusations may really be a case of the pot calling the kettle black. "From what I heard from the greys that keep me on lockdown, Laf-loose, or whatever his real name be, HE the one that's sweet. I heard he wanted to stop abducting rappers and bring George Micheals and the Village People back to this planet so that them motherf***ing grey aliens can get THEY groove on!" Biggie's comments were backed up with supportive laughter from other Tubbies who happened to be listening in on the conversation.
The Thugminister did not get a chance to question the alien Laflewl, aka, Jerry Falwell. I decided instead to stay inside and attend the show. Biggie's performance was strong as always, and the tubbies didn't do too bad a job with the sound system, either. I also had a chance to try some of Tink's homegrown Telle-juana--a Yilamharian plant that grows wild in Telletubby Land and is smoked by it's Hip-Hop fans. It's not a bad high, although it did make me have a strange urge to put an antenna on top of my head.
Go figure.
MORE TRUTH: TUPAC AND JAR-JAR BINKS ON YILAMHAR!!! JAR-JAR RAPS!!!!!