Here are a few of the e-mails that I saved saved over the past year...

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and 
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for
alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public 
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of 
rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their 
complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's 
"Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole 
streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's 
roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ 
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.  (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of 
your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and
repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts 
back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was 
a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that 
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch 
with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, 
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme 
song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a 
parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being 
first in the phone book.  Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people

pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see 
if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people 
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed 
is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with  prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers 
in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing 
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your 
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal 
Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

 1. Offer to shake hands, all the time.  Immediately afterwards, go to the
    bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour.  If your
    roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."

 2. Keep a goldfish in your room.  Watch it for hours, writing down all of
    its movements and actions in a notebook.  Then, one day, stuff the
    notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and
    actions on the fish.  If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook
    is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.

 3. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every
    morning.  When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste
    quite right.  Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave
    about how good the food is.

 4. Keep a plant by your telephone.  Every time you enter the room, ask the
    plant if anybody called.  Complain to your roommate that the plant has
    been making up wild stories about important phone calls.

 5. Get a Pet Rock.  Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories.  Every
    night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of
    your lungs.  Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the
    dark.

 6. Get a trampoline for your room.  Invite your friends over and jump on
    it all the time.  Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the
    trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling.  If
    your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it.

 7. Set your alarm for any time during the day.  When it goes off,
    immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or
    buzzing until your roommate turns it off.  When he/she does, get up and
    go about your normal daily business.

 8. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag.  Tell your roommate that you've
    contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now being
    quarantined by the Health Center.  Tell your roommate you've been using
    his/her toothbrush.

 9. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while he/she
    is sleeping.  When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep.

10. Get a sponge and draw a face on it.  Take it to class with you.  Let
    the sponge help you with your homework.  Leave notes to your roommate,
    from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her
    academic potential.

11. Make "small talk" with your roommate, asking questions like, "How was
    your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?"  Act interested and
    write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm....  Very
    interesting."  Call a local radio station and report the results.

12. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in one
    big pile.  Burn it.  If your roommate protests, explain that it was
    a sacrifice to the "fashion gods".

13. Wait until your roommate is very tired.  Insist that you are a master
    of massage.  Ask your roommate to lie down.  When he/she does, whack
    him/her in the head with a baseball bat.  If your roommate is still
    alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong.  Let me try
    again."  If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once
    more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat.

14. Complain often about having a loose tooth.  When your roommate isn't
    looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles.  Pretend to sneeze,
    and spew the marbles all over the place.  Scream, and run out of the
    room.

15. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your back.
    Ask your roommate if he/she has a light.  If he/she gives you one,
    spray him/her with the fire extinguisher.  If he/she doesn't give you
    one, spray him/her anyway.

16. Put an umbrella up, over your bed.  Sleep underneath it at night.  If
    your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'."
    Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while
    he/she is sleeping.  Get back into bed.  If your roommate asks about the
    incident, claim that you don't know what happened.

17. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water.  Keep it under your bed.
    Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the room.
    Then, collapse, and say, "Damn, I ran out of gas!"  Crawl over to the
    gasoline can and drink from it.  Get up, and start running around again.

18. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room.  Every day, dress up
    one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your roommate.
    One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the roommate
    mannequin's hand.  Later that day, shake your roommate's hand.  The next
    day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate
    mannequin.  Later that day, kick your roommate.  The next day, position
    them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with a
    really big knife.  Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day.

19. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar.  Use a stethoscope to
    "listen" to what the insects are talking about.  Act like you can't
    understand anything.  Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the
    lights, and start yelling, "Shut up!  I'm trying to sleep!  God, you
    guys are so damn loud, I can't hear myself think!"  Continue complaining
    for about half an hour.  Do this every night until all of the insects
    are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those
    guys."

20. Get an air pump.  Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping.  Do so
    for a few seconds.  Repeat this action every day, eventually extending
    the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes.  Then, one day, while
    your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else you
    can find at the biology lab.  Scatter and smear these things around the
    room, leaving the air pump in the center.  Leave your roommate a note
    that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any more.
    So, I'm ending it all.  Sorry about the mess."

    By Jack Handey

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
wild dogs.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
 the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but
I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

"If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're 
gone."

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should 
automatically disqualify you.

 I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula 
AND Superman away.

 I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside.  I knew what was coming.  
 "You don't have to tell me," I said.  "I'm off the team, aren't I?" 
 "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're 
 wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.  You show up at 
 practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you 
 try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying.  
 And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something 
 in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at the same time, 
 unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
 all rolled into one big 'thing'.  This is truth, to me.

 I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse 
 and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  
 Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you 
 could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

 I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

 Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.  And I thought, 
 I too am like that snail.  I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will.  
 But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance.  Mine is made out of tinfoil and
 paper bags.

 A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

 Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon 
 and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula.  The next time he goes out for the 
 moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off.  He might call you on the 
 radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

 I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her 
 shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

 It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, 
 the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.  They eat fish."  
 Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them.  Man, wise up.

 I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot 
 of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

 Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.  And then I think, "Aw, who cares?"  And then 
 I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

 If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep 
 breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

 I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, 
 but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?  They probably break down into their various gases 
 before they even hit.

 If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.  Instead, try 
 to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

 It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry 
 rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

 Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you 
 got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

 I God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

 Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because
 WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

 Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, 
 in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

   2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
      other passengers.

   3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
      "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

   4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
      incessantly.

   5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

   6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
      elevator.

   7. Shave.

   8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
      "Got enough air in there?"

   9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours
      upside-down.

  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
      without getting off.

  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
      open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
      coming!"

  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
      ask them to call you Admiral.

  14. One word: Flatulence!

  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
      open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
      "plink" at the bottom.

  16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
      announce: "I've got new socks on!"

  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
      now, damn motion sickness!"

  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

  20. Meow occasionally.

  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

  22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

  23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

  24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

  25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

  26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
      of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

  28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

  29. Leave a box between the doors.

  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

  32. Start a sing-along.

  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

  34. Play the harmonica.

  35. Shadow box.

  36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

  37. Lean against the button panel.

  38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
      other passengers that this is your "personal space."

  41. Bring a chair along.

  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
      wha in muh mouf?"

  43. Blow spit bubbles.

  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

  45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

  48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.

  49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

  51. Bring a water pistol.  Soak everyone's shoes.

  52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming
      "Aaughh!  Get them off!"

  53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.

  54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other
      passengers like they are crazy.

  55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and
      wearing only a bath robe.  Mutter something about how
      husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to
      the good part.

  56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.

  57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting
      "Down!  I said down, dammit!"

  58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

  59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.

  60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly.  Sniff at your
      neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step
      away.

     Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
     London hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel
     involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.
 
 
        WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
 
     Dear Maid,
     Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
     bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
     the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
     and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way. Thank
     you,
                                              S. Berman
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Room 635,
     I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
     from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
     dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
     way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
     change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
     instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
     I hope this is satisfactory.
                                              Kathy, Relief Maid
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
     Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
     little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
     you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
     I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
     own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
     the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
     Please remove them.
                                              S. Berman
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mr. Berman,
     My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
     we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were
     in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
     Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
     convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
     always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
     which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please
     let me know if I can of further assistance.
                                              Your regular maid,
                                              Dotty
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
     Dear Mr. Berman,
     The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
     called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
     service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
     accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any
     future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
     attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                              Elaine Carmen
                                              Housekeeper
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Miss Carmen,
     It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
     business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
     reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
     I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
     bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
     new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
     medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
     bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
     bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                              S. Berman
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mr. Berman,
     Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
     room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
     please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                              Elaine Carmen,
                                              Housekeeper
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mr. Kensedder,
     My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
     room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
     had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                              S. Berman
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mr. Berman,
     I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
     I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
     maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
     room. The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my
     apologies for the inconvenience.
                                      Martin L. Kensedder
                                              Assistant Manager
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
     Dear Mrs. Carmen,
     Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last
     night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars
     of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
     I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.
     Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                              S. Berman
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mr. Berman,
     You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
     Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
     so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken
     and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't
     know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid,
     Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
     Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
     this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some
     bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
                                              Elaine Carmen
                                              Housekeeper
 
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     Dear Mrs. Carmen,
     Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
     inventory.
 
     As of today I possess:
 
     - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
       4 and 1 stack of 2.
     - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
       stack of 3.
     - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
       stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
     - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
       stack of 2.
     - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
     - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
     - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
 
     Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
     are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of
     more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom
     window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
     soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
     bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
     avoid further misunderstandings.
                                             S. Berman

Apparently this story may come from the book "Politically Correct Bed
Time Stories".

        There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with
her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother asked her to
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house
-- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was
generous and helped engender a feeling of community.  Furthermore, her
grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health
and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
        So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and
dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red Riding Hood, however, was
confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery 
did not hinder her.
        On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a
Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She replied,-"Some healthful
snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult."
        The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."
          Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your
own, entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on my 
way."
        Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, because his
status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
 He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of
action for a carnivore such as himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on
grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
        Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of
a wise and nurturing matriarch."
         From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I
might see you."
         Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
        "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
        "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course,
and certainly attractive in its own way."
        "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
        "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
        The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped
out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring
her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent
tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of 
her personal space.
        Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst into
the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his
ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
        "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
        The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
came to him.
        "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do
your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist! Speciesist!  How dare you
assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's
help!"
        When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up an alternative household 
based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods
happily ever after.

TOP 10 SUBTLE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WEST POINT AND HELL:
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      10. It doesn't rain in Hell.

      9. Everyone has heard of Hell.

      8. It's a lot more fun getting into Hell.

      7. You can't fail out of Hell.

      6. At least you can sleep in Hell.

      5. Hell is forever; West Point just seems like it.

      4. People smile in Hell.

      3. You only have to sell your soul to Hell.

      2. There are hot men and women in Hell.

**   And the #1 Subtle Difference between West Point and Hell:  **
                         (drum roll)


      1. You would never tell a friend to go to West Point!

Apparently the full article will appear in a forthcoming issue of the journal.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Reprinted without permission from The Journal of Experimental Psychology,
November, 1995

_____________________________________________________________________________

ABSTRACT

Induced Dysfunction Through Simulated Gaming

By
Andreas Schneider, MD
Kit Woolsey, MD
Marius Loner, PhD

Over a three year period, a team of researchers has investigated the use of
applied frustration as a means of inducing various levels of dysfunction. An
experiment on several thousand test subjects has yielded a wide range of
observed results, including paranoia, schizophrenia, senile dementia, acute
sociopathy, clinical depression, generalized rage, and a variety of
psychosomatic manifestations including boils, hair loss and impotence. 

The effectiveness of the experimental design greatly exceeded the expectations
of the research team. And as a side effect, this experiment has generated a
significant supply of long-term clinical subjects for further study, both in
institutional settings and through covert observation.

Note: This experiment has been conducted on subjects unaware of their
participation, either as "targets" or controls. The ethical issues involved
were deemed insignificant compared to the expected utility of the findings.
Legal issues have been addressed by locating the experiment in "cyberspace" - a
virtual location of questionable existence and much jurisdictional confusion,
as well as through the use of corporate shell structures in several
accommodating nations. However, neither the research team nor its funding
sponsors, whose identity must remain anonymous, are insensitive to the impact
the experiment has had on many of its subjects. Arrangements for long-term care
have been made for those subjects too severely damaged to care for themselves,
and who are not already incarcerated.

Experimental Design:

The primary tool used by the research team involved a game known as
"backgammon" which consists of a simple set of rules governing the movement of
two opposing sets of checkers around a game board. The game is primarily a game
of luck, and it is this characteristic which established its suitability for
experimental use - it was noted that, in an effort to rationalize, on a
personal level, the workings of chance, players typically subscribed to an
increasingly complicated, arcane, and at times incoherent, series of strategic
analyses. Thus, it can be seen that backgammon appeals primarily to
dysfunctional personality types, and a large population of adequate test
subjects was assured.

Both for the legal reasons mentioned above, and to overcome the physical
difficulties of getting enough test subjects together to play backgammon on a
regular basis, a "virtual game room" (FIBS) was established on the InterNet,
and several host programs were developed: FIBS Host, which provided the basic
game environment; FIBS X, which provided either pre-determined or directed dice
rolls to experimental "targets"; FIBS Observer, which monitored, logged, and
evaluated behavior of experimental "targets"; And FIBS Director, which provided
researchers with the ability to intervene covertly into on-going games, as well
as to choose and designate targets. In order to attract subjects to the
experiment, several outstanding programmers were contracted to develop
front-end graphical user interfaces for a variety of platforms.

In addition to the playing of the game itself, subject interaction was
encouraged through the provision of secondary communication channels, such as
the ability to "shout", "tell" and "kibitz", as well as to view other players'
matches. This capability provided researchers with excellent means of both
observation and intervention.

A reward stimulus was provided through the award of points for successful
performance in matches. The award formula was designed to be both confusing and
controversial to most players, and, as expected, a structure of social status
soon emerged based on the player's ability to gather points and establish a
"rating". This structure was a point of heavy intervention by the research
team.

Additionally, a UseNet newsgroup, rec.games.backgammon, was utilized by
researchers, both as a means of direct intervention and as a source of much
useful observation.

Players were assigned either to a control group or designated as "targets".
This was usually done on a random basis when a player registered to use the
server, but on occasion, a player's status would be modified, usually to
"target", particularly when social behavior such as "shouting" or the selection
of an unusual username suggested potential dysfunction. For the purpose of this
experiment, a control group size of 25% of the total population was deemed
sufficient.

The control group was allowed to play the normal game of backgammon, subject
only to the general stimuli provided by the research team through the FIBS
environment. This was not, however, inconsequential - the ambient frustration
level, as a result of both natural factors and those induced by researchers,
but not related to the game itself, probably accounted for some significant
dysfunction among the control group population. However, we have previously
noted that backgammon players as a group tend toward the dysfunctional anyhow.

The "target" group were subjected to a variety of stimuli, all designed to
maximize frustration. These were applied on an individual basis wherever
possible, an approach made possible only by the significant level of funding
provided by our sponsor, which ensured adequate staffing of the research team.

Stimuli available to researchers included the following: 

Dice-related:

        Pre-programmed long sequences - designed to provide a variety of
experiences
affecting "ratings", such as the long-term slump, the seemingly undeserved high
rating, and major swings both upward and downward. Applied randomly or
assigned.

        Pre-programmed short sequences - designed to maximize short-term
frustration
of "targets" by provision of poor rolls by "target" or excellent rolls by
opponent in particular matches. The most effective of these sequences is the
rolling of doubles, particularly 6-6, when the player is "on the bar", or a
series of doubles rolled by the opponent in critical situations. Applied when
deemed useful.

        Direct intervention - used by researchers when observing particular
"targets",
particularly those about to crack, similar in nature to the short sequences
above.

Environmental:

        Induced lag - operates in either a programmed mode, as either a
generalized means of increasing ambient frustration or whenever a significant 
number of matches are coming to simultaneous conclusions, or through direct 
intervention, at critical moments in a "target" match.

        Induced connection loss - the involuntary severing of a player's
connection, usually in circumstances similar to the induced lag above. It 
has been used effectively in certain cases to operate on a "target" only 
when he is losing a match, thus making him appear to cheat.

        "Server crashes" - similar to induced connection loss, this stimulus has
the ability to erase recently played matches, and can thus be a substantial 
source of frustration, particularly when cleverly combined with previous 
direct intervention leading to a miraculous match win.

        Noise* - use of the shout function, often by researchers (all of whom
fulfill a role as registered players), to sow discontent, create controversy, 
or display generally annoying behavior. Recent improvements in this area 
include the playing of a variety of verbal games, such as trivia and oodles.

        Harassment* - use of the shout, tell, and kibitz functions, often by
researchers, to direct specific abusive stimuli at "targets". Very effective.

        *The research team has found that it needs very little active
intervention in these two areas - the test subjects have proven very adequate 
and inventive in providing such stimuli on their own.

        Confusion - a variety of stimuli, including the frequent posting to
rec.games.backgammon of complicated game position and strategy discussions,
utilizing obscure and often irrational arguments designed to bewilder those
seeking to understand their FIBS experience. Additionally, researchers
frequently plant suggestions that the FIBS experience is "unfair' for a variety
of reasons, and follow-up with vigorous argument on both sides of each issue,
thus enhancing general paranoia and discontent.

Preliminary Results:

While this experiment remains on-going (indeed, the clinical consequences will
employ an army of psychiatrists, therapists, and mental health workers for
decades), preliminary results have been tabulated, as follows:

        "Target" Group - 87% of the 2134 "target" group subjects, some 1857
individuals, manifested dysfunctional behavior that can be directly related to
the FIBS experience. Of this group, 65%, or 1207 individuals, were categorized
as severely affected. While only 14%, or 260, have been institutionalized to
date, that figure can only grow with time. Of more clinical concern are those
individuals who, while severely affected, have developed coping mechanisms
which assist them in avoiding institutionalization, but who remain menaces to
society - ticking bombs, as it were. Follow-up covert on-site observation is
indicated in almost all "target" group subjects, both for research and public
safety reasons.

        Control Group - 79% of the control group, or 551 individuals, manifested
FIBS-related dysfunction. Interestingly, 88% were categorized as severe, a much
higher percentage than the "target" group. The researchers are re-examining
their experimental design, and are concentrating initial efforts on the
abnormal psychology of the average backgammon player.

Further Research:

This experiment has generated a plethora of opportunities for further research,
including a substantial number of clinical case studies (see "The Strange Case
of R., Journal of Clinical Psychology, August, 1995), application of findings
to other gaming and non-gaming environments, refinement of covert observation
methodologies, and others too numerous to mention in this abstract, but covered
fully in the complete publication. Funding interest for additional research
from various governments and private concerns is expected to be substantial
following full publication of results.

Unfortunately, full publication is expected to reveal the nature of this
experiment to both the public, and of more concern, its subjects. Consequently,
for the safety of the research team, this phase of the experiment will have to
be concluded, and the apparatus, including the FIBS server, shut down. The
research team will assume new identities and relocate, in order to continue its
long-term, in-depth covert observation of the entire 2845 participants in this
study. Follow-up results will be published periodically.

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand.  I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His
name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet
one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My
friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like
them, but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in
the genitals.
I like monkeys.

   Instructions for reading: Read in an Italian accent
 "The Italian Goes to NY"
 
       I am an Italiano.
 
       One day ima gonna NY to bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to eat
    breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast.  She brings
    me only one piss.  I tella her I want two piss.  She say go to the
    toilet.  I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.
    She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.  I don't
    even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
 
        Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.  The waitress brings me a
    spoon and knife but no fock.  I tella her I wanna fock.  She tell me
    everyone wanna fock.  I tella her you no understand.  I wanna fock
    on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma
    bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna
    my bed.  Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tell me to
    go to toilet.  I say you no understand.  I wanna shit on my bed.  He
    say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the
    checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you
    too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !

 
                   ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
 
 
  Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
            (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                          (_) Billy-Ray
                          (_) Billy-Sue
                          (_) Billy-Mae
                          (_) Billy-Jack
                          (Check appropriate box)
 
  Age: ____
  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
 
   Occupation:
  (_)Farmer
  (_)Mechanic
  (_)Hair Dresser
  (_)Un-employed
 
  Spouse's Name: __________________________
 
  Relationship with spouse:
  (_) Sister
  (_) Brother
  (_) Aunt
  (_) Uncle
  (_) Cousin
  (_) Mother
  (_) Father
  (_) Son
  (_) Daughter
  (_) Pet
 
  Number of children living in household: ___
 
  Number that are yours: ___
 
  Mother's Name: _______________________
 
  Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
 
  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
 
  Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)
 
  ___ Total number of vehicles you own
  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
 
  Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  ____ truck
  ____ bedroom
  ____ bathroom
  ____ kitchen
  ____ shed
 
  Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
 
  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
  (_)The National Enquirer
  (_)The Globe
  (_)TV Guide
  (_)Soap Opera Digest
 
  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
 
  How often do you bathe:
  (_)Weekly
  (_)Monthly
  (_)Not Applicable
 
  Color of teeth:
  (_)Yellow
  (_)Brownish-Yellow
  (_)Brown
  (_)Black
  (_)N/A
 
  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  (_)Red-Man
 
  How far is your home from a paved road?
  (_)1 mile
  (_)2 miles
  (_)don't know

Question: Is there really a Santa Claus?
  
  As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990), I am pleased
to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
  
[***Warning...this casts significant doubt on the legend of Santa Claus***]
  
  1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 30,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
seen.
  
  2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's 
at least one good child in each.
  
  3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of
a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and
move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false
but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78
miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops
to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.
  
  This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, about
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second.  A conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour.  Tops.
  
  4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the
sleigh is carrying 321,000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We
need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this is
four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.  (The cruise ship, that is).
  
  5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance.  This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a
spacecraft might in re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile
will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than
gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
  
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Any questions?

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        the highlight of your night is getting new mail from the Brigade Mislo.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you pass time by singing cadences to yourself.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        for excitement you dare each other to do stupid things at night in the halls.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        the library becomes a four star hotel.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you thank God evey night around 7:30 for being allowed to walk.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        your summer break sucked.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        whenever going from point A to point B you plan an emergency exit strategy.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you find yourself screaming bloody murder at 6:50 in the morning.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        shining shoes and studying menus is a pasttime.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you're afraid not to read the newspaper.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        going to class is a refuge.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you have to be in bed by 11pm on Friday night.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        being allowed to watch TV is an honor.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        your quality of life rests on a football game.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you drink no beer.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        going to 7-Eleven to get a Slurpy involved covert operations.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        your life stops after your computer breaks down.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        your self-esteem suffers because you notice you're getting less email.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you pray nobody will talk to you.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        being allowed to call someone by their first name is a priveledge.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you find yourself hanging out in the midstore a lot.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        the only time a woman touches you is when Suzy Q cuts your hair in the barber shop.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you made more money in high school than you make now

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you build up your courage every time you want to leave your room.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you're afraid to go to the bathroom.

YOU MIGHT BE A PLEBE IF
        you can count things you enjoy on one hand.

  50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
  
  1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
  minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
  gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  
  2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
  secret documents!!"
 
  3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
  answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
  integral symbol.
  
  4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
  left nostril.
  
  5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
  your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
  SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
  the instructor is.
  
  6.  Bring cheerleaders.
  
  7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
  say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
  every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
  you? Where's the regular guy?"
  
  8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
  level.
  
  9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
  refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
  question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
  creative.
  
  10.  Bring pets.
  
  11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
  relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
  country" and run off.
  
  12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
  very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
  Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
  Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  
  13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  
  14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
  head, and nothing else.
  
  15.  Come down with a BAD case of Tourett's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
  vulgar as possible.
  
  16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
  one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  
  17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
  Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  
  18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  
  19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
  taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
  them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
  the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  
  20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
  another seat, continue with the exam.
  
  21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
  start commenting on how easy it was.
  
  22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
  it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
  etc..).
  
  23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
  completely blacked out.
  
  24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
  violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  
  25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
  instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
  after one hour to go drink)
  
  26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
  during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  
  27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
  tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
  above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  
  28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  
  29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
  on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
  until they drag you away.
  
  30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
  class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
  Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
  the exam.
  
  31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
  "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
  Lives is on!!!"
  
  32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  
  33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
  the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
  leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
  River Kwai.
  
  34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  
  35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
  could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
  equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
  story.
  
  36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
  shield.
  
  37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
  exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  
  38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
  like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
  failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
  the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  
  39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  
  40.  After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
  question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  
  41.  One word: Wrestlemania.
  
  42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
  do before concerts start.
  
  43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  
  44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  
  45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
  Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  
  46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
  to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  
  47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
  anything you can reach.
  
  48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
  degree angle.
  
  49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
  asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
  with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
  instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  
  50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER

1.  If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.  Ask the
    person taking the order to stop doing that.

2.  Make up a charge-card name.  Ask if they accept it.

3.  Use CB lingo where applicable.

4.  Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5.  Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6.  Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
    you're going with the lowest bidder.

7.  Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8.  Answer their questions with questions.

9.  In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
    and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10.  Use these bonus words in the conversation:  ROBUST  FREE-SPIRITED
     COST-EFFICIENT  UKRAINIAN  PUCE.

11.  Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12.  Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
     "Master of Puppets" CD.

13.  Do not name the toppings you want.  Rather, spell them out.

14.  Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15.  Stutter on the letter "p."

16.  Ask for a deal available somewhere else.  (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
     ask for a Cheeser!  Cheeser!)

17.  Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18.  Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19.  Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
     called you.

20.  Rattle off your order with a determined air.  If they ask if you
     would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21.  Tell the order taker you're depressed.  Get him/her to cheer you up.

22.  Make a list of exotic cuisines.  Order them as toppings.

23.  Change your accent every three seconds.

24.  Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
     from an equation you are about to dictate.  Ask if they need paper.

25.  Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.  Say "Bed-Wetters'
     Camp, right?"

26.  Start your order with "I'd like. . . ".  A little later, slap
     yourself and say "No, I don't."

27.  If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
     That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28.  Rent a pizza.

29.  Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30.  Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.  When they say yes, heave a
     sigh of relief.

31.  Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."  Use the long "i"
     sound.

32.  Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33.  Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?  When they say yes, say
     "Well, so is this!  You've got some explaining to do!"  When they
     finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry
     and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34.  Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
     When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
     goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35.  Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36.  Imitate the order taker's voice.

37.  Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38.  When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?  Oh, you mean now."

39.  Play a sitar in the background.

40.  Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
     behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
     surprise him/her.

41.  Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42.  Ask to see a menu.

43.  Quote Carl Sandberg.

44.  Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45.  Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46.  Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47.  Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48.  Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49.  Shout "I'm through with men/women!  Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50.  Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
     was I?  Who are you?"

51.  Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52.  Ask what their phone number is.  Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53.  Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54.  Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie.  Ask that
     these be included in the pizza.

55.  Call to complain about service.  Later, call to say you were drunk
     and didn't mean it.

56.  Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57.  Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58.  Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
     in Tinsel Town."

59.  Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60.  If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
     swayed by your sweet words."

61.  Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62.  Try to talk while drinking something.

63.  Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and ... action!"

64.  Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65.  Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66.  Be vague in your order.

67.  When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68.  If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69.  After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
     Simulate a cutoff.

70.  Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
     be my last entry."

71.  State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
     to get.

72.  Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza."  Make up a
     description to go with the term.  Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73.  Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.  Ask if they felt that.

74.  Detect the order taker's psychic aura.  Use it to your advantage.

75.  When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76.  Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.  Stop talking at regular
     intervals to play it.

77.  Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.  Suggest an even trade.

78.  Perfect a celebrity's voice.  Stress that you won't take any crap
     from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79.  Put them on hold.

80.  Teach the order taker a scret code.  Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81.  Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat."  When asked to repeat that,
     say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82.  Make the first topping you order mushrooms.  Make the last thing you
     say "No mushrooms, please."  Hang up before they have a chance to
     respond.

83.  When the order is repeated, change it slightly.  When it is repeated
     again, change it again.  On the third time, say "You just don't get
     it, do you?"

84.  When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated.
     I hate math."

85.  Haggle.

86.  Order a one-inch pizza.

87.  Order term life insurance.

88.  When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89.  Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90.  Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91.  While on the phone, fake entering puberty.  Fluctuate pitch often;
     act embarrassed.

92.  Engage in some serious swapping.

93.  Dance all around the word "pizza."  Avoid saying it at all costs. If
     he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94.  Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
     background.  Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95.  If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96.  Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97.  Order a steamed pizza.

98.  Get taker's name.  Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
     your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so."  Hang up.

99.  Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment 
are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of 
Enlistment was the same for all services.  Due to changes in both
society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone 
marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of 
the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions 
of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
 
  I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life
to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the
Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist
deep.  I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by
others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear 
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding 
test as a valid form of exercise.
  I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even 
though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling 
everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the Military 
and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
  I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all 
times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic 
Training"  I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, 
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger.
  I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to 
clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will do no
work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early every day.
  I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom
 I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So Help Me God!

____________________  ____________________
Signature             Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

  I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED 
STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into 
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't 
take me because I can't swim.
  I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear 
my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
  I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only 
action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment.
  I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my 
PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training,"
I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing
less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will
walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will
make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a
better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will
continue to take her back.  While at work, I will maintain a look of
knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive 
to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day 
at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no 
training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will 
end up working construction with my friends from high school.
  I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, 
but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
 So Help Me God!

____________________  ____________________
Signature             Date


US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
 
  I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought 
the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to
actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I
like to swim...why not?"
  I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have
my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand
that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language 
than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, 
bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and, head," when I really 
mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
  I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank,
and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely 
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hrs every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will 
show up around 0930 hours.
  I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not 
spill a drop.
  I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice
per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required 
to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of 
my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!

_____________________  ________________
Signature              Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (have someone recite your name for you),
swear....uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....ugh...Air
Force Women....OORAH! So Help Me CORPS.!

_____________________  _________________
Thumb Print and X      Date

_____________________ _________________
Witness Signature     Date