More and More English Signs

More Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Frivolous Product Safety Warnings

1. On a hairdryer from Sears: "Do not use while sleeping."
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
3. On a bottle of Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
4. On a box containing a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
5. On a child's Superman costume. "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
6. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before placing in washing machine."
7. On a bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food"
8. On a tube of Crest toothpaste: "If swallowed, contact poison control."
9. On the package of some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

TENSION

The moment you are in tension
you will lose your attention
then you are in total confusion
and you'll feel irritation
then you'll spoil personal relation
ultimately, you won't get cooperation
then you'll make things complication
then your BP may also rise caution
and you may have to take medication
instead, understand the situation
and try to think about the solution
many problems will be solved by discussion
which will work out better in your profession
don't think its my free suggestion
it is only for your prevention
if you understand my intention
you'll never come again to tension !!

INCIDENCE or COINCIDENCE

The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.

Lincoln’s Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have 15 letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.

Is this INCIDENCE or COINCIDENCE?

MOWING THE LAWN

Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent 
white neighborhood years ago. 

A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn.  The man next door (who 
didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're 
doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they 
paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the 
house."

CHANGE OF TIMES

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the United States' 
capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

After the teacher asked the pupil what 'DC' stood for, the student
added, "Dot Com!"

FAMOUS AUTHOR

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to 
take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the 
modern decor throughout the building.  Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the 
building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

THE CURSE

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing 
the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is 
the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes 
with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food 
establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style 
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it 
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more 
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU 
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you 
have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may 
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas 
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest 
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST 
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

TRUE STORY - Carjacking Foiled

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped 
her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her 
voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. 
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where 
upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into 
the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical 
and parked four / five spaces further down.  She loaded her bags into her car and drove to 
the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with 
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were 
reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman......no charges were filed.

E-Mail Message

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis who decided to go to Florida for a few 
days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.  Since both spouses worked, they  
had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband 
leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later.  The man 
made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel.  Upon getting to his room, he decided to 
open his laptop and send his wife  back in Minneapolis an e-mail. However, he left off 
one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address, and sent the message off without realizing 
his error.  

In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, 
an Episcopal minister who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.  She decided 
to check her e-mail since she was expecting some e-mail from her late husband's relatives 
and other friends.  She turned on the computer.  Upon reading the first e-mail, she let out 
a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.  

The women's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor.  He glanced up 
at the monitor and saw the following e-mail message: 

To my loving wife: 
I've just been checked in.  Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow.  
Looking forward to seeing you then. 

Your devoted husband.
P.S.  Sure is hot down here.

QUOTES FROM THE REAR BUMPER

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will ... I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive ... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids ... They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique ... Just like everyone else.

State Slogans

Alabama:  Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska:  11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! 
Arizona:  But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas:  Literacy Ain't Everything
California:  By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado:  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother  
Connecticut:  Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware:  We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida:  Ask Us About Our Grandkids 
Georgia:  We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)  
Idaho:  More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good  
Illinois:  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"  
Indiana:  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free  
Iowa:  We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:  First Of The Rectangle States 
Kentucky:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:  We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:  If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts:  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:  First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota:  10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:  Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana:  Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,  And Very Little Else
Nebraska:  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:  Ladies of the Evening plus Poker!
New Hampshire:  Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:  You Want A ##$%##! Motto?  Got Yer ##$%##! Motto  Right Here!  
New Mexico:  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:  You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina:  Tobacco Is A Vegetable  
North Dakota:  We Really Are One Of The 50 States! 
Ohio:  At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma:  Like The Play, Only No Singing  
Oregon:  Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner 
Pennsylvania:  Cook With Coal 
Rhode Island:  We're Not REALLY An Island 
South Carolina:  Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender 
South Dakota:  Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:  The Educashun State 
Texas:  Si, Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)  
Utah:  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus  
Vermont:  Yep
Virginia:  Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?  
Washington:  Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! 
Washington, D.C.:  Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:  One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Wisconsin:  Come Cut The Cheese  
Wyoming:  Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

Jokes

HEAVENLY CLOCKS

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed there were
dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every
time they tell a lie, the second hand moves."

Hillary noticed the clock belonging to the Pope. It remained perfectly still. St. Peter then told Hillary that
Mother Theresa's clock had never moved during her lifetime either, and that the second hand on Abraham
Lincoln's clock had only moved twice.

Hillary asked, "Where is Bill's clock?"

St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Tremendous! E.T.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate 
father to start their family. 

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  
The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, 
hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a 
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, no one can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try different 
positions & I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five 
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins 
turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work 
with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People 
were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was 
constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate.  Then darkness approached 
and I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my 
equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed on your, um.. equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to 
work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Cannon on. It's much too big for me to hold 
very long. Madam? Ma'am?...

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get me one of them divorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

~~~~~~~~

Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how

athletic and well - preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75

years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight,

the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been

walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

Back to Home Page