Da Medic

Medical Break Through... Or just mombo without the jumbo since the elephants was nicked like. We sent our medical reporter woman Jenny Flaps to Austria's finest research hospital to find out the truth, or if she couldn't find any truths make up something convincing and spend the expenses on that nose job she oh so badly needs. Along with a jar containing her old nose, she filed this report...

Das Report

I'm here in Adolfian mountain range, next to the Austrian coast to visit Dr Doppelganger who's in charge of the paediatric unit at the Haider Institute. The work by Dr Doppelganger is on a revolutionary new type of xenotransplant: Arboreal Rodentia Sapien Exchange (ARSE). The exchange of gammy human organs for those of squirrels. Doctor, some people have criticised this work. It's been called inhuman, revolting, wasteful of squirrels, and playing God.

"Nein, nein, it is good ja? Let me answer all of those points. Well of course it will be inhuman. I'm using squirrel organs. Let me spell that out, squirrels are inhuman, they are tree leaches that suck the fruits of the trees' love dry."

You mean they eat nuts?

"Ja. And revolting? Well many things were considered revolting when they were first invented: human organ transplants, children's nannies, public transport, enema quaffing, to name a few."

Doctor, some of those things are still considered revolting.

"Well fuck you. As for wasteful of squirrels. That lie makes me sick. Squirrels are a natural resource put on the Earth by God for us to exploit. The price of squirrel stock has plummeted since the invention of the enema. Which quite frankly has never been as good as the squirrel alternative in my wife's opinion.

And your final objection I'm playing God. Well that used to be true. But he's no good at poker." [Hysterical laughing continues for several minutes]

I see.

Nutkins

Doctor, are you going to talk to me about some of your past patients.

"Ja, here is a photo little Guntter. A four year old boy who swallowed a tin of paint because he thought it was bleach. This basically ruined his oesophagus and stomach linings. It was all blue. Not a good colour. We had no choice but to replace the damaged parts with those from squirrels. His old one was used as a condom for donkeys. There were a few complications with postoperative care. In the autumn he starting to burry nuts in the garden and went to live in a tree. We had to get him down by prodding him with a large stick. After that all was well with Guntter, well until he died."

Was organ rejection?

"Oh no. We solved that problem by placing the organs outside the body. They just kind of hang there. Some times they snag but normally that's not a problem. No, he was eaten by cats. Very sad really, but when you work in a field so new you've got to expect to have a certain percentage of losses."

And what percentage die.

"Errmm about 100%."