*Not all necessarily true.

1. Did extremely badly in Winter Olympic ski-jumping several times. This, to those who have been living in the real world for the last fifteen years, was what made him famous, as people felt obliged to scream and cheer to encourage his constant and embarassing journeys to last place. You have to ask yourself how someone can do so badly in a sport which simply requires you to bend your legs and wait. My, I can think of some disgusting jokes there...

2. 'Threatened' to ski-jump in the nude, and then mysteriously pulled out. Presumably he realised that there are certain parts of the body which you don't want to see getting frost-bitten and snapping clean off - although Eddie probably hoped his chin would be the first to go. Eddie is the only sportsperson in Britain who, even without partaking in his sport naked, causes most of the spectators to point and laugh anyway.

3. Appeared in the Sun newspaper, wearing an 'hilarious' cardboard beard. The Sun had provided this cut-out beard for readers who wanted to pep up their sex-lives, probably subscribing to the notion that Jeremy Beadle is the most over-sexed man of our generation. Amusingly, Eddie's protuding chin was not 'beard-compatible', and, unlike the other celebrities, he was forced to simply hold his beard aloft for the camera. Eddie said at the time that if the beard did indeed increase one's sex life, he would need about three. That's not a joke - he really did say that.

4. Actually saved Central News South from disaster on its first night. The premiere of the new station was an unmitigated technical nightmare, but luckily Eddie was in the studio, and made everything else look like it was running relatively smoothly. Presenter Wesley Smith has modelled himself on Eddie ever since - I mean in terms of looks, not by threatening to read the news naked.

5. Had T-shirts made up for his sister and mum, saying "I am Eddie's Sister" and "I am Eddie's Mum" respectively. Some say this was to counter the enormous trade that had sprung up around T-shirts printed with "Eddie isn't related to me in any way whatsoever thank God".

6. Had a big Chocolate Easter Egg made up for his birthday by Thornton's, whose reputation for quick and efficient service saw them spell his name as 'Edie'. It transpired that this was indeed a mistake - the person responsible had meant to leave off two letters, leaving the simple message: "Die."

7. Had cosmetic surgery on his chin to make it smaller. The pieces of bone chiselled out during the operation have gone on to supply the entire population of Battersea Dogs Home twice over. Eddie was not happy at the end of the operation, because of the large scar which was left. "I look like a twat now!" he wailed. Ah, the irony.

8. Appeared in a ski-instruction video (which I own), entitled "On The Piste with Eddie Edwards.", within which at one point he actually dances around a room wearing only thermal underwear, for two solid minutes, with his bits 'slaloming' all over the place. The skiing instruction video is groundbreaking for the fact that, within three minutes of pressing play, Eddie is telling you that it 'won't teach you how to ski'. That's what you get for hiring Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, you see.

9. Went off to live in America, because in the good ol' U.S. of A, the land of the free, you can be whatever you want to be, without being mocked or ostracized. In the event, they sent him back here.

10. Was sort-of part of a fake publicity campaign on behalf of one of my friends, who pretended that Eddie was going to turn up at his garage sale. As it turned out, my friend regretted the incident, if only for the number of people who turned up on the day with dangerous weapons and gleams in their eyes.

11. Was scheduled to appear at a charity golf tournament, but refused to turn up, saying that he was 'crap at golf', and didn't want to humiliate himself by coming last.

12. Succeeded in capturing the hearts of seemingly everyone except me with his amusing displays of crapness, and became something of a mini-celebrity for a while, if only in the same way that Roland Rat was a 'mini-celebrity'. Subseqently, everyone was excited if they caught a glimpse of the bespectacled one walking the streets. One of my old school-friends once saw Eddie whilst out driving, but ended up only causing superficial wounds.

13. Frittered away most of his riches on free living and drunken parties, only to have most of his so-called 'friends' desert him when the money ran out. There's a lesson in there for us all, then - don't go poncing around in crap glasses acting like a git. Are you reading this, Chris Evans?

14. Tried very hard to get into the Nagano Winter Olympics in 1998, but had his efforts thwarted by his evil twin brother, who, along with his cutesy dog sidekick, laid all sorts of amusing booby traps on the qualifying courses to stop Eddie. I lie, of course, the real reason was that Eddie was, in the words of one official, 'the person who most deserved to be in the car with Princess Di'.

15. At the height of fame, had his very own entry in the Oxford Book of Words and Phrases. "Pulling an Eddie" is defined as doing extremely badly at everything that one is attempting, in the most embarassing manner possible. For example, Shane Richie's attempts at moving into prime-time TV are perfectly described as 'pulling an Eddie'.

16. Once appeared on some ski-ing related website on the Internet, and even went so far as agreeing to answer people's questions that were sent in to the site. Unfortunately, the plug was pulled when someone asked, "What have you ever done with your life that is of any worth whatsoever?" Eddie's reply is thought to have been, "Oh, not again, Mum."

17. Has probably gained more fame and notoriety from the Cheltenham Update than anywhere else. Readers of this fine journal often spend sleepless nights in eager anticipation of the next round of crude insults. And after I've finished insulting them, I go on to Eddie, haha.

18. Has every little thing he does catalogued on the front pages of the Echo. The Gloucestershire Echo is well known for believing that anyone who has even passed through Cheltenham briefly is worthy of a front-page spread, but they 'hit the jackpot' with properly-Cheltenham-based Eddie - if you consider a 'jackpot' as something akin to being slapped very hard on the face and crotch several times.

19. Tried in vain to get several record companies to back him in releasing a single. His various suggestions included several covers (including Hot Chocolate's "You Win Again", and the slightly more obscure "Moog Eruption" by Digital Orgasm), and an original song written by Eddie himself called "I'm flat on my face in the fucking snow again."

20. Has had the "20 things Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards has 'achieved'" thing written about him. Yay! I knew I could think of a great way of not having to think of twenty things. I hope no-one notices.

Comments? Ideas? Suggestions? Want to know how much of this is true and how much I made up? E-mail me at greatleon@geocities.com