Probably Causative: You don't have to drive up or down I95 to qualify for this one -- There was a time when all my jailbabies had to worry about were suspended licenses, invalid registrations, no insurance and broken taillights. NOW, they have to worry about shoulder harnesses, seatbelts and child restraining seats. It just doesn't make sense to drive up I95 to and from New York OR Philadelphia OR Wilmington, Delaware -- for any reason -- anymore!

Feature Article: Publickizing the McDonald's Restaurants. Inspired by the leadership of the Department of Social Services, the tactfulness and consideration of the Maryland Food Stamps Unit, infused with the all- encompassing caringness and concern of the Maryland Child Support Enforcement Agency, and the sensitivity and step-wise efficiency and effectiveness of the Maryland Department of Motor Vehicles, the process of publickizing the McDonald's Restaurants everywhere in Maryland has been instituted.

FROM THE HALLS OF ACADEMIA:

The joints will never be the same again -- Manny, Moe and Jack are destined to be calling the shots taking direction from (the "New") Sentencing Commission. Of the group, only Caesar befits the vaulted rank and ineffectiveness of the University of Maryland Department of Criminology. Brutus will be taking the job of public speaking. Even the most hardened M25 burglars in the system know that there are jobs programs you have to work for and jobs programs you don't have to work for. Caesar, Brutus, Manny, Moe and Jack sounds like one you can live with.

The above research was NOT funded by ANY kind of grant from NIJ, BJS, DOJ, DPSCS, NCAA, AAMCO, Midas or Pep Boys.

Aftercare Alert: If the amorphous blob on the couch snores, you know he's not dead. If the smoke detector in the kitchen goes off for more than a minute, you know he's cooking breakfast. If it goes off for only 30 seconds to a minute, you know he's cooking lunch.

ELECTIONS IN MARYLAND: Governor Glendening, totally intimidated by Ellen Sauerbrey's campaign committee, went out of ALL limits making a BIG showing that he can kiss the Blarney Stone same as everyone else. Ellen retaliated - she can stick or retract Excalibur into or out of its proper placing same as anyone else! King Arthur, having been dead four or five centuries by anybody's count, opined that it was not his intent to leave swords sticking out of rock material and it was certainly not his intent to leave Blarney Stones around where American politicians could find them.

NEW, INNOVATIVE, IMAGINATIVE CRIMINAL JUSTICE PARADIGMS: Update on Correctional Options, the Courts and Sentencing Commission Innovations: It was realized recently at the Supreme Bench (aka Baltimore City Circuit Court) that the "Scarlet Letter" technique really does not have a tendency to work as effectively as it did in 1790. Scrambling back to the "drawing board", eminent jurists as well as their support staffs have recognized that persons presenting with offenses not in accord with the State Article 27 merited treatments not devised by Nathaniel Hawthorne, Benedictine monks or J. Edgar Hoover.

DPSCS REORGANIZATION PLANNING:

Amazingly, unlike other state agencies we know of, the AAU will be able to do everything within existing resources and might even save money in the long run. The Fiscal Services guys have never been happier, that's why they have gone over to redefining themselves as the Policy (vs. Fiscal) Analysis Division of the Department of Legislative Services.

Skills Building - Exit Seminars for DOC Regulars:

Economics even Alan Greenspan couldn't understand: One of the most crushing experiences of my entire life was to be turned down for a Titanium Visa card by First USA Bank. (God! How I wanted it! You can understand that I cried for hours. It was personally crushing!) My credit report was at its end!!! Fortunately, however, NationsBank, MotherBanque of them all, came to my aid with a guaranteed, silver debit card destined to overdraw my checking account without me even trying or even knowing about it. Balance transfer is the ultimate revenge!!!

Culture and Ethics: Students of the University of Pennsylvania (a joint I've been known to be mixed up with in the past) celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Long Island Expressway and the Long Island Railroad. How else are you going to get from Jamaica in Queens to Montauk Point without a cigarette or going to the bathroom? Whether you start at Penn Station, Jamaica, Mineola or Hicksville, you can always get to Massapequa, Wantagh, Riverhead or the Hamptons on the same or similarly punched ticket. U of P students plan to hold candlelight vigils in the U of P Quadrangle, holding hands and singing ethnically appropriate theme songs, while participating in beer fests in a watering hole located on campus in a state (Pennsylvania, not New York) where the drinking age is not 18, but 21. Solemn occasions such as these do not go unnoticed at U of P. Some of the students are going so far as to offer flowers in honor of the Belt Parkway and the car parts that may be obtained from there in the dark of night or even the light of day if one is skilled in these types of schooling or training.

THOUGHTS TO THINK ABOUT:

REAL-TIME TELECOMMUNICATIONS:

Next newsletter: Candace Bergen, getting off at $4.72 plus tax for one minute local calls claiming to be acting on behalf of Sprint.

In an amazing departure from traditional public policy, the State of Maryland has taken out full-page advertisements in both One Book and Yellow Pages containing the "Top 30" most desirable and most appropriate phone numbers pertaining to "stuff" like State IDs and drivers' licenses, tax culpability forms, and General Assembly targeting. For example, if you want "State ID" AND you have the sophistication to guess Department of "Motor Vehicles", you won't then be required to retrothink Department of "Transportation" and be forced to use divination skills after that.

Let's enter the realm of make-believe: Invoking every redial and speed dial once upon a time recently, I listened to eight minutes of Ferranti and Teicher playing "Born Free" as arranged by Henry Mancini and played by the Jackie Gleason Orchestra before duly running into a live human voice claiming to represent DMV.

In accordance with the radical departure from previous stances, ALL State phone numbers are guaranteed to be answered the "first time, every time". Baltimore City, always following in State footsteps, has even established a central number capable of being able to "point the way" to dead animal / rat eradication, garbage nights, sewer scheduling, and where in the City, State or private sector a person can file lawsuits.

If your only communication with the prison system is over a collect phone line: You have heard and experienced the following message over and over again to the extent that any type of criminal activities will never have the same meaning to you and if you ever had a loved one in the prison system, you don't want to have one now.

You press "0", you press "9", you press "everything" but the PB keeps pressing on:

You say: Hello!! (pause while recording kicks in) She exclaims: AT&T or Bell Atlantic. This is a collect call from [an inserted white female voice, lackluster, slightly anemic, and prone to mispronounce names of people of uncertain ethnic origin] - Winston Churchill! - She continues: An inmate at the Maryland [preprogrammed name of an existing Maryland prison, MCIH and MCIJ indistinguishable except by local or long distance carrier].

The PB continues: If you refuse this call, hang up. If you accept this call, do NOT use three-way or call waiting features or you WILL be disconnected. ... [Another pregnant pause.] To ACCEPT the call, dial "1" now ... [She can't take "1" or anything else until this especially auspicious moment.]

The call connects if you hit "1" in enough time as cued by the PB. Otherwise, the entire recording goes into another double play. That's why answering machines later give you a rough idea of who called and yield important clues because you know for sure AT&T and Bell Atlantic occupy separate statuses over the system:

Bell Atlantic comes up 85 cents plus tax a shot - AT&T comes up $3.00 plus on the order of 40 cents a minute Hagerstown, not to mention Cumberland or Westover, plus tax.

Thank you. ... [The PB evinces a few moments of confusion. ...]

It then takes another lengthy two seconds before a guy's live voice is heard and you figure out who is really on the other end of the line. (Guys have been known to lie out their ass when phone bills are on the line and Baltimore and Jessup is not where they are.)

Presidential Punitiveness: New crime the U.S. Congress has deemed under federal jurisdiction (much to the dismay of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Rehnquist): Conduct not normally acceptable by persons occupying positions in the Executive Branch not rising to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors but indicatively calling for legislative attention nevertheless. A guy convicted under this one goes to Lampoc instead of Lewisberg or Cumberland. "Community Service" has a variety of meanings under the statute. Expect to see the guy in medium security soon.

The warden of MCAC, enraged by what he feels are unfounded accusations, finds himself at a loss trying to control events never noted in the job description he agreed to and entered into. He has asked for a transfer to the Southern Maryland Pre-Release Unit where the supply of Little Debbies and warranties on 13" TV sets are all he has to worry about.

Prisoner Litigation Acts: Petitions for Writ of Habeas Corpus on the part of the inmates continue to flow, the court system having to turn its attention from miscellaneous matters such as death penalty appeals, divorce and alimony debates, toxic waste controversies, pfiesteria realities, asbestos and tobacco litigation, product liability challenges, DWI and DUI nuances and so forth and so on.

Recommended CD-ROM: Encyclopedia Britannica: This is not dumbed-down, happy-think software package characteristic of OTHER software/Internet vendors that we might know. EB is making available to anyone willing to pay $110 plus $7 shipping and handling (no tax in Maryland) access the greatest source of knowledge and information available in the English language. Don't just check into the www.eb.com site with a major credit card yet. Your middle school or high school child, with EB double CD-ROMs inserted into his or her E:, F:, and/or G: drives, might very well receive a comprehensive education -- even before getting mixed up with the college and financial aid application process.

Depending on your inquiry and how you go about it, you can even find God or a reasonable facsimile but be aware that EB, its successors or assigns do not explicitly guarantee same might occur to all persons who register legitimately and in good faith.

Enhance your EB experience by going through and actually reading the paper-based documentation! ALSO, even though EB disclaims responsibility for the Internet links it provides, a lot of the Internet links it provides are really links profoundly worth adding to your bookmark/favorites collection (depending on your browser orientation or preference) and you can develop a personalized set of more using your find, back or forward button, or Infoseek, Yahoo or Hotbot search results!

The Internet site: home.netscape.com is pretty good, too, even when you have gotten to it using Microsoft's Internet Explorer 3, 4, or 5!

Recommended Reading: The Department of Legislative Services has outdone itself by publishing, as Volume IX out of IX of its Legislative Handbook Series, an elegant, succinct and exceedingly thoughtful and well-organized explication of "(State) Criminal and Juvenile Justice Processes", in this case peculiar to the State of Maryland.

I have testified in Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee that this is the best book on criminal justice I have ever seen but you never know when anyone is listening.

These are probably the best 186 pages not to miss whatever your capacity in the criminal justice system (inside or outside). You can't find it in any bookstore and Amazon.com has not yet discovered it. The only people who get it without asking have had to run for State office (choose senator or delegate) and win.

If you look around for it and you offer to pay for it, a number of State employees will think you are misguided and/or deluded and you will have to wander up and down the elevator banks in the Legislative Services building until you reach your quest. (I am withholding at this time where and how I found the quest pending Legislative Sales finding out about it as well.)

What your strategy should be is to call up Legislative Reference at 410-946-5400 and DEMAND that they send you one AND you have no choice and are going to send them a check even if they are unequipped and discomfited to accept one. When you've got them on the ropes, that it the time to bring up the subject of Visa, MasterCard, Discover and American Express. Sooner or later the non-Fiscal Services end of Legislative Services will come around and the de facto Encyclopedia of Maryland (and other States') Government (aka "Legislative Handbook Series") will become a reality for ALL Maryland and other interested citizens, particularly students of civics, government, criminal justice and assorted other areas. $50 a pop plus shipping and handling for the entire set is not unreasonable. (Hold off mentioning bulk sales until they come around about checks and credit cards.)

Secret Discovery of the Year and Possibly the Next Millennium: The Baltimore Sunpaper is BETTER than the New York Times! Sundays and all days! Yes, you heard it here first! If it wasn't for their too-hard-to-fill-in-crossword puzzles and the absence of "Wizard of Id" on their comic pages, the Sunpaper might be looking at major acclaim.

Universal Healthcare Conglomerate, Inc. (UHCI). Dear Patient: Thank you for choosing UHCI for your test. You realize that if the test is negative, you will probably but not certainly be O.K., but if the test is positive, you are looking at no more than 18 months of life expectancy. Your assets will likely become our assets sooner rather than later. Please refer to the 2,000 word essay on insurance needs and requirements on the opposite side of this sheet just to be sure. You will have to comply with all of them before we can tell you how the results turned out -- if they turned out. Thank you for choosing UHCI for your healthcare needs. We look forward to providing you the best in healthcare services in the future.

White people do stupid stuff, too!

Acknowledgements: Upon my request, this newsletter has been folded and stuffed by the slave labor of an Afro-American paid off with corned beef hash, generous portions of King syrup, pancake batter and three jumbo eggs liberally fried in vegetable oil, a healthy dollop of Welch's grape jelly and the lot of it mopped up with pieces of toasted Schmidt's Blue ribbon bread. The compensation also includes hot showers and bubble-baths with real soap. The Afro-American might have gotten a front-desk job with Denny's or Wendy's except he has an extensive criminal record that cannot be denied. The situation as it stands, I, and you, are the ones stuck with him. He is hoping to sign up for Social Security soon. Medical Assistance already has its eyes on him.

This is to certify that no bureaucrats, administrators, legislators, or members of the Executive branch, Office of Policy Analysis or Department of Budget and Management were harmed during the production of this newsletter. Some of them, however, may be said to have become uncomfortable along the way.

Elementary Fact of Life: You can't fire or transfer a person who has never been on the payroll to begin with.

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Email address: advocate611@yahoo.com