(These gripes are the newer ones, the cavorting "kids" in the garbage dump of my mind. To see older things that get my goat, see the Lusty Old Goat link at the bottom of the page.)
People Who Use the Word "Preternatural" and Its Derivatives for No Good Reason
I realize that if we counted the number of offenses, one of my fave authors, Anne Rice, would simply have to be shot by firing squad for this silly practice. It does annoy me greatly when she peppers her novels with the word, but at least she writes about vampires and other ghoulies and ghosties, all of which are preternatural. The greatest over-use of this largely unnecessary word is committed by the critics who work for New York magazine and the readers who write letters hoping to impress them. People they admire are invariablly "preternaturally wise," which I find quite chilling. I wish they'd stop being so preternatural all the time. It's creepy.
You know, I like to think I'm pretty smart--although just the other day I told my wife I thought it was "thoughtful" of wineries to "fortify" their product so that winos could be sure to get adequate nutrition (yes, really, I didn't know any better)--and I'd love to join the dazzling urbanites of my favorite city, but when in doubt, I think of Joe Bob Briggs. Would Joe Bob say this? Okay then. Would he laugh at you if you said it? Well, blame it all, don't say it then.
Being an All-American Mushroom
This Iraq thing...whazzup with it? Yes, Saddam Hussein seems like a perfectly horrid swarthy little man and I'm sure he deserves a sound thrashing, but why the episodic war-paint? What is going ON here? He has abused the human rights of his citizens ever since we stopped warring against him the last time, he has been an outlaw of the international community all during the interim; he has never cooperated fully with weapons inspectors and has remained a constant threat to our mideast allies (whom we can count on one finger). What has changed in the status quo that warrants all this chest-thumping? (And "Tubthumping"--the military has their own stupid macho version of Chumbawumba's pleasantly apolitical hit song.)
It's not that I doubt that the government has its reasons. I just don't know what those reasons are, and clearly we aren't supposed to know the real reasons.
They're keeping us in the dark and feeding us shit. And like a fungus, our mindless patriotism will grow...
Kenneth Starr
I cannot believe that I'm going to say this, but George Bush was absolutely right, maybe even wise. According to US News & World Report, he warned Bill Clinton not to sign an extension of the law which created the independent counsel. At the time of Clinton's inauguration, he warned that the office of independent counsel was a potent instrument of political terror that would be used to "criminalize" political differences. BINGO! Clinton, big trusting dumb ox that he was back then, signed anyway. As members of the Monty Python troupe used to say, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
So, what was Kenneth Starr named to look into? Arkansas real estate deals? Wow, the man has the fastest-growing franchise in America! Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald's, would be jealous: "__ Billions Questioned."
Yep, that's the 38+ million dollars of our tax money at work, checking to see if Monica's party dress had spoo on it (it didn't.) And that's just the money that's publicly acknowledged as an expense in this quest to depose our President. If you count weirdo rightwing recluse Richard Mellon Scaife's money,
you can almost double that figure. More on that in a Diatribe I'm working on. I'm not done gathering the research, but I promise it's most interesting.
The TV News Media--
These morons are in such a hurry to scoop each other and to garner ratings at any cost, they have lost all connection to truth, fact, or research. While total objectivity and accuracy in news reporting are impossible to achieve, they used to at least be attempted.
If one more anchor or reporter says they don't yet know anything about what they're airing (which has happened far too frequently in recent Lewinsky coverage) I am going to go postal. But I'm fine now. Really.
I think I'm going to find some unreliable extremist wingnut--like G. Gordon Liddy but more obscure--who has his own webpage full of bald assertions, and from now on, that's where I'll get my news. Sure, I'd have to take everything he says with a grain of salt, but it seems that my news diet from the supposedly respectable media is also quite high in sodium.
Linda Tripp--
What a...well, let's just say Newt Gingrich's mom would say it "rhymes with rich." Hello! What kind of a woman tells another woman she is her "friend," then tape-records her and offers her up to prosecutors, the press, and the public? What kind of woman allows a younger woman to look to her as a "mentor," then betrays her like that? Um...does it rhyme with "stunt," Mrs. Gingrich? I think it does.
I cannot look at Linda Tripp's big fat blonde head without wanting to smack her. I'm afraid that's just the way I feel as an American patriot.
People Who Wield The Teflon Sword
What, exactly, is the Teflon Sword? Depends. Sometimes it's race or ethnicity, sometimes gender, sometimes religion, or disability, or any other minority status. It's a formidable weapon. Here's how it works: If you have the sword, you can stick it into any opponent, real or perceived, with impunity. You can stab anyone in the gut---and the teflon sword'll come out clean. Nothing sticks to it. It comes with a high price tag, but it's prepaid by ancestry. For example, Al Sharpton's ancestors endured the agonies of the Middle Passage, the humiliations of the auction block, and the oppression of prolonged slavery... so that someday they could watch from beyond and see their progeny make wildly false accusations and play the blanket game with the media. I'm sure they are very proud and gratified. If you have the license to carry the teflon sword, and more importantly, the sheer audacity to wield it (there are many people who could hide behind this weapon who nontheless choose to live honestly on their own terms), then you have the whole world by the tail. Or other, more intimately vulnerable parts.
Being angry all the time
A righteous indignation is a beautiful and satisfying thing, but when your nose starts bleeding uncontrollably and your temples begin to throb, it's time to slow it way down. I like to unwind and laugh at my troubles at Angry@Everything . The bilious postings there make Reardenmetal and her little goats look like mere pikers, which in fact they are. If you can wander through the rantings against life's nuisances all the way from A to Z without laughing, you'd better visit a cardiologist--fast. Another amusing link to angry rants is Ian's Pissed Off Page . What's delightful about Ian is that he's British, and they're so darned cute and quaint even when they're raging mad. I especially like it when he's mad at "stupid wee prats" who think they're "hard." Priceless!
