Bill's Dartroom

updated 12 JUNE 97

TIDBITS

I'm not updating the awards page right now, but I got an asshole of the month nomination for ya:
I saw this story in the news and I think you'll agree.

His last name is Novak. He was homeless as a result of the Northridge Quake and Habitat for Humanity built (totally free of charge, with local contractors donating their time and materials) a new house for him. Well it seems he didn't like the location or the design of the house (his old neighborhood), so he is suing for a new one in a new location. He has the deed to the first one and won't relinquish it until he gets what he wants. Habitat for Humanity should consider changing their name to "KUMFY" (Kill the Ungreatful Mutha-Fuckin' Yutz) and open up a giant can of WHOOPASS on Mr Novak.

Jon-Benet Ramsey is still dead. Leave her alone. I'm sick of hearing about her.

Timothy McVeigh is guilty and deserves to die the way his victims did. Let me ask one question:
Why was McVeigh's defense attorney allowed to show pictures of dear sweet Timmy and a syrupy video when the prosecution was not allowed to show pictures of the bombing victims and their families?
It makes no sense. Mc Veigh should die with a large stick of "Militia Miracle Grow" stuck up his ass. Who wants to strike the match?

I got an axe to grind with the guys who nominate people for Darwin Awards when they don't die or are rendered sterile. Those are the only 2 criteria which make them qualify. I have a "better luck..." section, but they are not full qualifiers for consideration.

I am boycotting the GUTLESS radio stations (hear me, 103.3!)on the Central Coast of California. They edit every song that has a questionable theme or lyric which someone may take offense too. Well here's a little news flash for ya:
The people getting upset about lyrics are the parents who are sadly mistaken in the belief that their kids don't use or hear that language every day in school.
LIGHTEN UP! If you think your kid is gonna become a rapist, drug user or cop killer because of a SONG, you haven't been doing your job as a parent.

I now want to bring you a special feature which I consider a public service.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Darwin Award

This presitgious honor is given yearly to someone who does the human race the biggest favor by killing himself in the absolute dumbest way possible. This prevents him from reproducing further, and thus strengthens the gene pool. Natural selection at it's finest.

The winner for 1996 was a moron who put a JATO rocket in the trunk of his car, lit it off and did a "Wile E. Coyote" into the side of a cliff when he ran out of road. They found pieces of this rocket scientist in the bottom of a smoking crater, fingertips embedded in the steering wheel. Estimates were he did over 4oo MPH when he hit the rocks. He left about 3 miles of rubber behind him from standing on the brakes!

My #1 candidate this year is a lawyer who tried to show how tough the glass on his 24th floor office was. In front of witnesses, he put his shoulder into the pane of glass, broke through it and fell 24 stories, where he died of "gravity induced rapid deceleration trauma". This guy gets my vote not only because of the incredible stupidity involved in such an endeavor, but also because he freed up a slot in a law school somewhere for another aspiring attorney. He also saved his law firm a healthy chunk of change in pension funding.

My #2 selection so far has to be the guy who was mutilating his girlfriend's car with the butt of his shotgun. He did his best Reggie Jackson imitation on the windshield while holding it by the barrell. You guessed it. The gun went off and he's now posthumously infamous. This guy HAD to be a Jethro. Imagine yourself the coroner when they wheel this guy in and you find out the circumstances of this death. I would be laughing so hard I wouldn't be able to make a straight incision.

And some people think dogs and cats are funny. You gotta love mankind. We are so damned amusing.

Honorable mention goes to the guy who "answered his gun". His phone rang in the middle of the night, he grabbed his gun off of the bedside table and shot himself in the head.

Hey folks, we have a new contender! A man in California. He was a real "attention to detail" kind of guy when it came to his job and his workers. Too bad he overlooked a minor detail on his Lear Jet (he forgot to perform a pre-flight check) before he took off from John Wayne Airport. He didn't see the MAINTENANCE LADDER stuck to the side of his plane before he started his takeoff roll. The ladder was sucked up into his engine and the plane went down. Those kind of details will get you every time.........

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