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Laughter Pool | |||||||||||||||||||
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"A closed mouth gathers no foot." --- Zen "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well." --- Author Unknown "A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles." --- Mignon McLaughlin "A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life." --- William Arthur Ward "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand." --- Mark Twain "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." --- Zen "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong." --- Author Unknown "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity." --- Author Unknown "By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher." --- Socrates "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." --- Author Unknown "Don't give me any lip, I've got enough of my own." --- Steven Tyler "Ever feel like you are diagonally parked in a parallel universe?" --- Author Unknown "Everyone has a photographic memory: some don't have film." --- Author Unknown "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." --- Author Unknown "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." --- George Carlin "Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." --- David Letterman "Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who got there first." --- Author Unknown "Grace doesn't make you gracious anymore than gorging makes you gorgeous." --- Shane Sorenson Pond "Grandparents are so easy to operate...even a child can do it!" --- Author Unknown "He who laughs last, thinks slowest." --- Author Unknown "He who laughs ... lasts." --- Joel Goodman, EdD "How do I set my laser printer on stun?" --- Author Unknown "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." --- Mark Twain "Humor is the hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt." --- Author Unknown "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor "I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading." --- Henry G. Strauss "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havn't got the guts to bite people themselves." --- August Strindberg "I love to perform before a live audience, performing before a sleeping audience just doesn't have the same buzz." --- Comedian Unknown "I seem to have lost my voice... if any of you see it running around, please return it." --- Unknown "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. he said I was being rediculuos -- everyone hasn't met me yet." --- Rodney Dangerfield ![]() --- Unknown "I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out." --- Unknown "I was strongest when I laughed at my weakness." --- Elmer Diktonius "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work." --- Eugene P Gallagher "If we are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy." --- Unknown "If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." --- Zen "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you." --- Don Marquis "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --- Mark Twain "If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain." --- Winston Churchill "I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had it to do over again, I'd call in someone else." --- Roland Young (1887-1953) "It's a small world... but I wouldn't want to paint it." --- Steven Wright "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." --- Jerry Seinfeld "Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away." --- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe "Laugh at yourself, before anyone else can." --- Elsa Maxwell "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." --- Victor Borge "Learn from the mistakes of others -- you can't live long enough to make them all yourself." --- Martin Vanbee "LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience" --- Ambrose Bierce "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." --- Mark Twain "Moderation in all things is an extremist's statement." --- John E Pidge "Never say 'whoa' in a mud hole." --- Cowboy Proverb "Never squat with your spurs on." --- Cowboy Saying "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity; but then--we elected them." --- Lily Tomlin "Nobody ever died of laughter." --- Max Beerhohm "Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool." --- Author Unknown "One good thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people." --- Unknown "One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one." --- Ann Landers "...one nation under surveillance...." --- Author Unknown "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark too read." --- Groucho Marx "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to." --- Author Unknown "The bible [Proverbs 17:22] says,'...a merry heart doeth good like medicine,' so jest for the health of it." --- Unknown "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." --- "Jack Handey" "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire." --- Zen "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him." --- actual quote from accident report submitted to an anonymous insurance company "The person who would like to make his dreams come true must stay awake." --- Richard Wheeler "The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action." --- Author Unknown "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." --- Bill Waterson (in Calvin and Hobbes) "There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents." --- Leon R. Yankwich "This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances." --- Gracie Allen (1906 - 1964) "Time wounds all heels." --- Jane Ace "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held his ground." --- Author unknown "What happens when none of your bees wax?" --- Unknown "When all is said and done far more is said than done." --- Author Unknown "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." --- from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US corporation "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying; but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" --- Lily Tomlin "Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?" --- Barbra Streisand "Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" --- Author Unknown "Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson "You can't have everything, where would you put it." --- Author Unknown "You can't spell 'crap' without 'rap'." --- Author Unknown You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing." --- Author Unknown --- Author Unknown |
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