Isaac's Quotes

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Humor

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered twodrinks. Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marchedover and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?

You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar,
a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, It's all
right honey, I've had a course in first aid.

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said,

When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.   "No, thanks," says the plant manager.  "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis.  "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf,"  says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then  a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

(posted on a computer in the office)

WARNING!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a 'critical detector' senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine.  The 'critical detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work.

The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"'ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced."Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Facts

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. BE CAREFUL!

Fuzzy Logic

OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman.
A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry.
The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman said.
(Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still must watch out window when driving."

Erin's boyfriend was at the top of the snowlift, getting ready to change out of his snowclothes.  He'd noticed a few girls looking, and of course, just *knew* they were "checking" him out.  So he did a slow striptease, sitting on his truck, taking off the coat, the snowpants, and as he started to change out of his shoes, he remembered the sweatpants he had on were the old ones with the hole . . . for all the world his "willy" to see.

Leon told me about his sister and said he was hesitant to tell people he was related to her. It was December, 1968 and my sister (18-1/2 at the time) her fiance, and I were riding in the car when the announcer on the radio said that the North Korean government was going to release the crew of the USS Pueblo for Christmas (they captured the ship sometime earlier that year).  With a straight face, my sister asked if they have to go back after the holiday.

Cindy works in a law office and watched the Judi's deposition. After it was over, Judi said, "Oh, no, they forgot to 'unswear' me!"  My boss told her, "That means you'll have to tell the truth for the rest of your life."

Leia was taking the high school choir to competition and they had to leave early.  They'd been warned to bring pillows so they could sleep on the bus.  One girl in the back complained about the light being on.  She told her it was an emergency light and had to stay on.  "But cover your face with your pillow."  Without missing a beat, the girl in front of her said, "And breathe in."

Wanelle was interviewing a man about his marital history.  He was stumped trying to remember his second wife's name.  She let him stew about it, then finally said, "Was it Lisa?"  He was astounded.  "How did you know?"  She responded, "You've got 'property of Lisa' tatooed on your arm."

"My wife, who is usually no Judi, was watching Providence on TV last night.  A thunderstorm was moving through the area and the lights flickered a couple of times.  I suggested that she might want to tape the show just in case the TV lost power.  She got as far as inserting a tape into the VCR before she figured it out . . ."

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor about presidential politics.  Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.

I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor.  "What if your Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?"

"Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."

Judi and Amanpreet have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Amanpreet came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.

Judi is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all.  Amanpreet explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date.  Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?"  She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don't you have them?

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," Amanpreet (aka Lizard Pecker)  says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," Judi cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Potential vs. Reality A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you.

Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.

Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."

Deep Thoughts

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Do unto others.

Two + Two

A housewife, and accountant and a lawyer were asked "how much is 2+2?"

The housewife responds "Four!"

The accountant replies "I think it's three or four, but let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer dims the lights, draws the shades, and askes in a hushed voice, "How much would you like it to be?"

At the theater

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello.  The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home.  See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault.  Honest!  I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?" 

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed.  "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number.  I don't have a daughter named Susan."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-looking woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

Indian says, "Already know 'how'.  Just want 'chance'."

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

The Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Fur a Weekend

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

No Honor Among Theives Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion.  She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews.  Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang.  She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.

"But...  But...  There must be some mistake,"  she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice, Johnny's,  at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.

As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return.  The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.  I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH?  Really?  WERE you???"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.  After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel."

In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she will die.

The following are from a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
     you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
     that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you ?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
     voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
     lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
     doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: So the date of conception
     (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time ?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
     pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
     the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
     somewhere.



You are a Child of the 80's If:

*You know what a "burnout" is.

*You owned/operated a 'Trapper Keeper'

*You know what "Psych" means.

*Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up
quarters on the top panel of the game-to "reserve" your spot.

*You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

*You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

*You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".

*You know who Tina Yothers is.

*You wanted to be a Goonie.

*You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors
and videotaping it, because you liked him.

*You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab

*You know who Max Headroom is.

*You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.

*You could breakdance, or wish you could.

*You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

*Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

*You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

*You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to 'Inspector Gadget'

*You wanted to be on Star Search.

*You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off.

*You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew
someone who did.

*You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on its butt, or knew
someone who did.

*You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".

*You HAD to have your MTV

*You remember when Kramer was on a show called 'Friday's'

*You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".

*You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
name".

*You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

*You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

*You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

*You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".

*You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.

*You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

*You own(ed) any 'cassette singles'

*You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on
the moon.

*You remember And/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from
Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

*Poltergeist freaked you out.

*You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

*You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

*You know what a Doozer is.

*You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or
knew someone who did.

*You ever had a Swatch Watch.

*You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

*You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.

*You know what a "Whammee" is.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my
friend, are a "Child of the 80's".

Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were
being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My
boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He
replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"



Computer Acronyms


Judi and Amanpreet married and had lived in the mountains for several decades. They had very little furnishings, no pictures, and scant personal belongings.

Amanpreet, being aged, didn't make it into town very often. In fact, he'd not been to town in some 70 years. But Judi was something of a nag, and after 70 years he went into town to "pick up a few things."

Once in town, he stopped into a shop and saw a mirror. It'd been so long he had FORGOTTEN what a mirror was. Indeed, he wondered where the shop keeper had found a picture of his father. He purchased it. (Don't ask me with WHAT -- it's a joke, roll with it, ok?)

Back to his and Judi's little cave in the mountains, he looked at the mirror every day. Judi, not being the brightest star in the heavens, noticed Amanpreet checking out the "picture" often. (Yeah, they remembered what a "picture" was, but forgot what a "mirror" was).

Judi thought Amanpreet was checking out a picture of another *woman*! The nerve of that old goat! She had to take a look.

So she waited until Amanpreet was out in the field. She went to the "picture", and looked at it long and hard. She said, "Humph. If the old hag looks like THAT, he can have her!"

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers...

'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!'

A man walks into a bar with a small box under his arm
sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender cannot help but hear music coming from the box.
He asked the man "what's in the box"?

The man says a small male pianist with a piano.

The bartender asked to see.

The man opens the box and there is a little man playing a little piano.

"WOW" say's the bartender how did you get that?

The man say's he was walking on the beach one day and found a magic lamp and made a wish and there it was.

WOW, do you still have the lamp? asked the bartender.

Sure do, you want to try it asked the man. HECK YEAH!

So, the man gave the bartender the lamp and the bartender rubbed it and wished for a million bucks.

BANG!! a big cloud of smoke and the was a million ducks,
Ducks everywhere. Gee, said the bartender I wished for bucks not ducks I think the lamp must have trouble hearing.

No Kidding, said the man do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!!!

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope,
that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered.
"We've got all the umpires."


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and  the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.  He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."  He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way.

Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says:  "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice"

The second woman says:  "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap.  We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"

The third woman says:  "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us".

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.  When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram.  Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.  You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers.  Virgins?  The  neighborhood's not crawling with them either.  SO, what we need here is some relevance.  We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA  Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.  Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN  Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.  Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.  Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess.  Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.  Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL  Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.  Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE  Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy.  This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM  Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude.  Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you.  One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH  May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS  Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.  As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon  Pies. It just won't work.  Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH  Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:  Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.  You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS  Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS  Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.  On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN  Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO  Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

The Doorbell

An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the Rabbi moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the Rabbi smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

If men got pregnant.....



SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS

RELATIONSHIP BUTTONS

  1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

GENERAL LIFE

  1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
  3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  4. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
  5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.


OFFICE BUTTONS

  1. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  2. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  3. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  4. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.


GREAT INSULT BUTTONS

  1. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  2. You! Off my planet!


Words of Wisdom

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Good Question

Little Sammy kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Sammy asked, "Why the heck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

911 Call:

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Beggar

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on

Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

A man called his mother in Florida. He asked, "Mother, how are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son became concerned and asked, "Why are you so weak?"

"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days," she said.

"What?!?" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

His mom replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

Frivolous Lawsuits by Jailbirds

America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

Modern Definitions

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Hear Me! Hear Me! Hear Me!

Three folks, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

In The Cards

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. 

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. 

"You were perfectly right. 

"You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: 

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give
you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,


Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

Differences between You & Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Make it a double!

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long . But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Guys & Dolls

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

What did God say after creating Adam? I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect."

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."



12 Episodes of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates
  1. "Beverly Hills 90210.2" -- Bill is scammed out of his billions by a midriff baring vixen, only to have the money restored by Dylan, who somehow accomplishes this on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach Pit.
  2. "Ally McBill" -- When Bill makes fun of the new attorney's micro-miniskirts, she kicks his butt. Janet Reno guest stars.
  3. "The Brady Bunch" -- Marsha doesn't think her new boyfriend, Bill, is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy's lemonade stand out of business.
  4. "One's Company" -- Deciding that less company is best for him, zany Bill forces all his co-stars into early retirement.
  5. "Petticoat Junction" -- The 3 girls from Hooterville make plans to seduce the new computer guru in town but change their minds when they hear the words "micro" and "soft."
  6. "That 70's Show" -- When Bill gets his first summer job programming in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.
  7. "Mork & Mindy" -- Mork's dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork, visits Earth.
  8. "Love Boat" -- The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill refuses to yield right-of-way to the oncoming supertanker USS Justice Department.
  9. "Everybody Loves Bill" -- Bill begins to suspect that people love him for his money. Guest stars: Anne Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra, and the guy who married Martha Raye
  10. "I Dream of Billy" -- Major Gates discovers a genie in a bottle who offers him the world; he refuses, saying, "I already own it!"
  11. "Billigan's Island" -- Billigan builds a machine which is sure to get the castaways off the island -- but it keeps crashing!
  12. "Family Matters" -- Urkel imagines what his adult life would be like if he had been born Caucasian.


Forgetful Folks

A young boy's parents had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the boy at the door, that his parents had forgotten something.

"Please, Mrs. Anderson," said the boy, "may I look at your dining room rug?"

The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jason. Come right in."

The lad gazed at the rug for several minutes. Then he turned to its owner and said, "It doesn't make me sick."

Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Amanpreet won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Amanpreet asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Preet?"

"Not so good," Amanpreet confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."

Years ago in Ireland there was a priest who was very anti- British.  Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But your grace, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the pope. "Swear it here and now or I'm going to excommunicate you!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter. And the father was back at his pulpit in Ireland giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The father continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.' Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.  Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.  

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.  

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir,  but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"  

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know!  I know!  He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

Amanpreet had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong. 

"It's my wife," he replied.  "She's fooling around with other men.

"Well...  I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."

"No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people in our small bed."

John, Brian, and Amanpreet were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.

"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid.  She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner!  Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine!  We ain't got no runnin' water!"

That one nearly slayed 'em.

Amanpreet wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys.  'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with.  I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Talk about a 90s marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

You're addicted to computers



Marrying Opposites

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' ... " was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was."

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.  Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

They clear off the bed and go at it.

Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

~~~ Look out below! ~~~

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.  The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" 

The groom says "I'll look for a bug."  He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"  Under the rug was a disc with four screws.  He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

~~~ What Moms REALLY want for Mother's Day ~~~

  1. To be able to eat a whole candy bar by herself, and drink glass of Coke without any "floaters"
  2. To have my 14 year old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
  3. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
  4. A shower, without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hiya, Mom" just as I put razor to my ankle.
  5. A full-time cleaning person, who looks like Brad Pitt.
  6. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
  7. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
  8. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
  9. To be able to sit down on a plane with my toddlers and not have some pencil-neck-yuppie moan, "Ohhh, nooo! Why me?"
  10. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.


Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

THE SARCASTIC BURGLAR

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."



Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?
Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

DR went to the KFC and ordered two buckets of chicken.  One extra crispy and one regular. 

Judi behind the counter said they weren't allowed to sell a whole bucket of extra crispy because they were promoting their regular chicken.

  Then Judi offered, "But I can sell you a bucket with 1/2 crispy and 1/2 regular!"  DR said, "Ok, sell me two of those."

Sushi was playing some poker recently and laid down the winning hand.  "One of my friends asked, 'How did you get four queens?'  I replied, 'I hang around gay bars.'"

Peter dated Judi one time.  They were all eating some chicken wings and Judi, dead serious, asked, "What part of the chicken do the 'chicken wings' come from?"

In a related item, Laurie's cousin is Judi.  Judi was making a tuna salad sandwich when she burst out with, "I can't BELIEVE this.  I thought I was buying tuna and got 'Chicken Of The Sea', instead!"

Austin was flying home and listening to the flight attendant do the "safety speech" thing.  Since it was a red-eye, she said the cabin lights would be dimmed.  "If you need additional light, note that pressing the button with the light will turn on your personal overhead light."  Then, very serious, "Please also be aware that pushing the flight attendant button will NOT turn the flight attendant on."

Also in a related story, Sammy was flying through some pretty bad turbulence.  The inflight movie has a scene where two women are speaking and holding coffee cups.  One lady, on screen, hands a cup to the other just as Sammy's plane hit one of the rough spots.  "I have to give myself a 'Judi', Ray, because I honestly thought, 'she'd better be careful with that or it might spill.'"  Glad you turned yourself in, Sammy.

Mel sent me a news item that AOL and IDG Worldwide books were going to start publishing a series of books called, "AOL For Dummies".  I asked him, "isn't that redundant?"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

If Dr. Seuss did Technical Books

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Old & New concerns for the baby boomers

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

What smells?!

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Always give 100% at work

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays


And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to tick you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Ottinger, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night.  The governor had depended on Ottinger for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.  In addition, Ottinger had been his closest friend.

So it was understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Ottinger's job.  "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the governor's side.  "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Ottinger's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied.  "But you'd better hurry.  I think the undertaker is almost finished."

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.

Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.

Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.

"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

Jim was talking to Judi about the recent accidental bombing of the Chinese embassy in Kosovo.  Judi said, "That HAD to be an accident because China is NO WHERE NEAR where they're bombing!"

Dawn's sister (also Judi) had decided to take a late night swim. They got their bathing suits on and as they were walking out the door, Judi asked them to hold on.  She went back into her room and came out, spreading sun tan lotion on her arms.  "I asked her what she was doing and she said, 'we're going to the pool, aren't we?'"

Bruce was at the Dairy Queen and ordered a small cone.  Judi filled it, then put it on a scale . . . and threw it in the trash.  She did this *twice* before giving me a "satisfactory" one.  He looked in the trash can -- it was full of ice cream cones.  Judi explained to me, "They have to weigh the right amount.  All of those were too heavy."

Shane worked at the pizza shop.  "While a thunderstorm had knocked out the power we got a phone call asking if we were delivering.  I told the lady that we can't deliver right now because the power is out -- we're not cooking pizzas.  She said,  'Oh. Well, can I come pick one up instead, then?'"

At work Wendy asked her blonde friend Judi this joke:  "How does a blonde turn on the light when she's done with sex?" No answer.  "She opens the car door."  Judi's eyes got wide and she responded, "Well, brunettes do it in the car, too!"

Claire was visiting the United States from Ireland.  She told her roommate Judi that she was going to buy a "Furby" before she went home.  Judi turned to her and said, "That's a bit pointless, isn't it?  You'll just have to put it in quarantine to get it home."

Jennifer used to hang out with lots of Judis.  At the candy store Judi had about 20 bags of candy.  "I looked at her and said, 'you should push the air out of them, before we leave.  The candy will cost less if they don't have the air weight in them.'"  So for 15 minutes she let the air out of the bags.  "After she did that I told her it didn't really matter.  It would have weighed the same." Judi was more confused than ever and said, "If having air in the bag doesn't weigh any more, then why does it make the bags look so fat?"  Post note from Jennifer:  Judi is now getting her Ph.D. at the University of Southern California.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "How long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of  the chickens is in bloom!"

He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry.  Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait.  He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'

"Sure did," the bystander said.  "But you should have waited a minute or two.  The ferry is just about to dock."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl stammered.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."

Stolen car A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

Lawyer's donation

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" answered the roommate. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car! What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Soap & Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild  temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. 

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" 

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his frikkin' ass to the moon."

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet, looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem.  You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over.  He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all.  I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.  Congrat- ulations.  What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,  "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Joel turns himself in as a Judi when he told me about the FIRST Star Wars he saw back in 1977.  "During the scene when Luke is standing in the desert while watching the double sun sunset my first thought was, 'Wow, where'd they film THAT?'"

Matt's friend Judi had called him crying that her dog 'Rusty' had run away.  She asked if he could help man a search party for the dog.  I agreed.  Before I could get out the door, Judi called him back to say, "Uhhh, the dog groomer called me and told me Rusty was clipped and ready to be picked up."

Scott ran into Judi at a tech conference (how'd the HELL did she get in there?).  They were discussing the next conference was going to be held in Hawaii and Judi wasn't going because she'd have to fly over California.  When asked what was wrong with that, she said, "Well, if an earthquake can damage a plane on the ground, imagine what would happen to it in the *air*!"  Scott said, "Shit, I never thought of that -- the quake would cause compression shockwaves that'd travel straight up and beat the plane to shit!"  Seriously, Judi replied, "Exactly!  I can't understand why more people don't realize that!"

Wheeze told me when once nursing her baby in a public bathroom a little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room.  The little girl asked what Wheeze was doing and grandma replied, "Feeding her baby."  "How?"  "She's feeding her at her breast."  The little girl paused and said, "I think I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once . . . "

Marlene shows how far a sense of humor can go.  She recently left the hospital after losing her vocal cords to cancer.  When she returned to work after 3 months one brave fellow joked with her,  "Wow, Marlene -- you're every man's dream -- a woman that can't talk!"  Marlene's reply?  "A MAN??  Good grief, I just got cancer. I don't need a *man* on top of that!"

Robert told me recently he ordered a cup of coffee with no cream at Judi's restaurant.  She replied, "I'm sorry, you'll have to have it with no milk because we're out of cream."

Finally Martha also turns herself in.  She'd been a Tupperware rep and was doing a "bridal shower" party.  She started off by telling folks she'd not lived in Florida very long but had been reading about the 'red tide'.  "I meant to say that the 'red tide' was caused by all of the *organisms* but what I said was, 'I think it happens because of all of the orgasms in the water.'"  Yes, her party was a success . . .

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straigt out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.

Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties.  She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.

"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.

"Right here on the floor." he panted.

"It'd be too cold." she whispered.  "How about standing up?"

"Good Lord girl.  Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted.  "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self- defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.  "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.  "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task.  Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper:  "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead!  It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?"  Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.  After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life.  The paper said, "Dead.  But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Q:  What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?
A:  In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name.

In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a "Bill of No Rights".

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of sub- sidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.  Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

Here are some true stories for you.  They're tales of folks who let the milk in their head go bad for a time.

Thomas was going 'round Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas (home of the Army prison) and went by the prisoners' graveyard.  One of the crew was explaining to Judi that they prisoners were buried there.  She honestly asked, "The dead ones?"

Chuck was telling me that he was in a store the other day and saw a sign that read,

      "NOVELS -- FICTION AND NONFICTION" 

Katrina told me her friend Judi was riding around in Judi's boyfriend's convertible not long ago.  The top and the windows were down.  In that part of town carjackings were severe so Judi turned to her boyfriend and suggested very matter-of-factly that they should lock the doors.  "That'll prevent anyone from getting in the car and carjacking it."

Tom had a phone calls from his days with the local electric utility.  There was a lady who called to ask, "The pilot light in my water heater has gone out. Where can I buy a new one?"

Cheryl was paying for her haircut and noticed another customer trying to pay, but she'd used the last check in her book without putting more in.  Judi, the receptionist, was quite helpful:  "Why, you can use one of mine!"

Albert's chiropractor has an interesting article taped to his door.  It seems Viagra has been encouraging men to use muscles in their backs which they'd not been using for years.  Now those muscles are being used "often and vigorously".  Albert's chiropractor's business is booming . . .

Tommy was able to get rid of one of those telephone marketers not long ago.  The marketer called and was in the middle of giving her spiel about saving money on long-distance.  Tommy interrupted her, "Ma'am, I don't need your long distance service because I don't have a telephone."  Must have caught her off guard because she said, "Oh, I'm sorry to have bothered you."

Then we have Diane who's a little confused about the buttons of her office building's elevators.  "A gent was standing with me and saw me press the 'up' button.  When the door opened, I got on -- but the elevator was going down.  The gent asked me, 'aren't you going up?'  I told him yes and he told me the car was going down -- the red light on the door indicated it was going down."  Diane then laughed at herself and said, "Oh, I wouldn't know about that.  I don't go down very often."  Ahhh, Di, that's what breaks up A LOT of marriages . . .

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture.  So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady:

"How did you do this?"

The woman replied:"  I quoted scripture."

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted.  "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law.  "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law.  "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man.  "Buy me out."

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.  Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood- soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur.  We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night.  In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.  At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.    "don't worry, lady," he said.  "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system:  "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"  the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions.  Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.

Soon, they found themselves in Heaven.  They see St. Peter walk by and ask him:  "Which Branch of Service is the best?"

St. Peter replied: "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him."

Some time later the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.

Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in  it's beak.  St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:

"Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are 'Honorable and Noble.'  Each one  of you has served your country well.  Be proud of that.

(signed) GOD, USN (Ret)"

Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering.  The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.

The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment.

The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face.

The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry"

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify.  A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand.  The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir." Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."



Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: because they go and answer the door.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch. There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.

The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.

Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Screw the children!!"

and the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one..."This is for the shame", and then the second one..."This is for the glory."

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one..."This is for the shame" and then the second one..."This is for the glory."

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory."

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender said.

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes." ~

Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley supposedly said upon finally locating the man he had searched for through most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I presume."

I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply though:  "Do you have an appointment?"

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step.  Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.  "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded.  "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply.  "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.  One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"  And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in!

"The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!  But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.  The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, "Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving?"

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said "Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?"

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.  When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.  Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room.

Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.

"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.  As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted  out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.

"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"

While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?"

"Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?"

"What about your wife?"

"Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me."

"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

How can you tell a Polish Pirate?
He has a patch over both eyes . . .

President Clinton said Monday he is "looking forward" to being the husband of a senator. The way he figures it, he can finally do to a Senator what they did to him.

General Motors Corp. will equip most of its four-door family cars with an infrared sensing device that automatically unlocks the trunk if anyone is trapped inside.

It's all part of their new "Hoodfellas" program.

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.

The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"

"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."

"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"

"No, the kid had it under his coat."

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity while driving other people = crazy...

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

~~~ And we wonder where road-rage comes from? ~~~
35 Fun Things to do When Driving
  1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
  2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
  3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
  4. Two words: Chicken suit.
  5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.=20 The more it looks like blood, the better.
  6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
  7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
  8. Stop at the green lights.
  9. Go at the red ones.
  10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out=20 your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  11. Eat food that requires silverware.
  12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put=20 sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
  13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.=20 With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
  14. Honk frequently without motivation.
  15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended=20 and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
  16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
  17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
  18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  19. Restart your car at every stop light.
  20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk=20 to them, stroking them lovingly.
  21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their=20 butts out the window.
  22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
  23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
  24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the=20 roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
  25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
  26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger=20 seat, when driving alone.
  27. Stop and collect roadkill.
  28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
  29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
  30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
  31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.=20
  32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
  33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
  34. Sing without having the radio on.
  35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...


A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub . They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling,

"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF......

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.

The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Another true story

The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"

"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."

"Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions.

One: You didn't study last night's assignment.

Two: You have a dirty mind

Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

Practical Jokes

Here is one ....

For those with the nice sprayer hose in their kitchen sink

When you stay at a friend's house over night, after they go to bed Tape down the handle to the hose

When they wake you in the morning ask for a cup of coffee

When they turn on the faucet ...... Squirted in the face

Was funny in the third grade and is still good for a laugh

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain.

The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."

"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.

"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."

"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet."

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

Why sex is like a roller coaster:

It goes like this - You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always...........always........at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up............ and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"...

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound."

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was 'Katz'?"

Little Mary was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's that?"

Her dad said "That's what I call 'a shame'."

Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Mary said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants."

The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?"

Little Mary said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.

St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the = Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you = ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

The Devil Made Me Do It.

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 = years!"

The Questions:
  1. The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
  2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
  3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
  4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
  5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a 20 German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them 20 and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership in World War One From the Men of Battalion 8" Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
  6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agreed is between heaven and earth?
  7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
  8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible?
  9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
  10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
  11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station The station is normally an hour away, but with extra heavy traffic, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why?
  12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
  13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
  14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
  15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
  16. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show" One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
  17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?
The Answers:
  1. A coffin
  2. The child was born before 1776
  3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered!
  4. Clara lives in the Southern Hemisphere
  5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II
  6. The word "and"
  7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year
  8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace
  9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills
  10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20
  11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes
  12. "one word"
  13. Penguins live in the Antarctic
  14. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow
  15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg
  16. They were husband and wife
  17. He can't because he's dead


Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."

A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."

A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."

In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.

After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"

They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"

The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were sitting around talking about their best qualities.
Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world."
Snow White said, "I am considered to be the fairest maiden in the world."
Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world."
Superman suggested they go to the castle and see what Snow White's mirror had to say.
Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man in the world.
Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world.
The Hunchback was next and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"

Slogans Seen on Tee Shirts

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Of course I don't look busy- I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

4 out of the 5 voices in my head say "call in sick."

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies ?
10, 1 to make the dough, 9 to peel the M & M's

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.

If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.

Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's.

He went on driving and praying. By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco.

He realized he was terribly horny again. So, again, he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.

It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's".

The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing!"

Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?"

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

The next time you get pulled over for speeding try this technique

When pulled over for speeding ask the officer as he walks up to your window and opens his ticket book "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

The officer may reply "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

Then allow a moment of silence and smile While the officer realizes what he'd said.

Ok, it does work much better for women

It could happen to you department

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care.

Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

This is a true story

A blonde was recently hired at our office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks.

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Top 10 Snappy comebacks to " Why aren't you Married yet"

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

One day a young, buxom blonde decided that she had had it with the "Dumb Blonde" jokes going around.

As a result, she decided that she would show all those non-blonde sexists that blondes really are smart, so she set out to learn the capital of each of the fifty United States.

A few days later, armed with her new-found knowledge, she overheard the watercooler talk among some co-workers; again brazenly laughing over the lack of blonde intellect.

Having had our fill, our buxom blonde went to the foray and advised that she could prove to them, once and for all, that all blondes were not dumb. She then proceeded to show them by offering to name the capital of any state of their choosing.

Taken aback by her confidence, a gentleman, thinking that he could stump her, asked her to name the capital of the State of Maine.

With a few moments of insightful thought, our buxom blonde, as confident as could be, smiled and gleefully stated "M"!!!!!!

Thing we wonder

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night,
do folks drive with their headlights off?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company(responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,

"just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. how are you feeling?"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

~~~ Never too young to get it straight ~~~

Wise Advice From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.  After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered.  "Your husband consides ma a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.  He has told me himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid.  "The chauffer told me that!"

Overheard in Air Traffic Control.

Situation: Winter time in the south, Aircraft flying along his route of flight.

There had been reports from other pilots of icing (a hazardous accumulation of ice in various forms on aircraft control sufaces and in the carburator) along their routes.

Female Controller: "N123Z, verify you have icing on your route."  (Pronounced "ROOT" in the south)

(pause)

Male pilot of N123Z: "It's cold up here ma'am, but not that cold."

Like a lot of women from her age group, the Mrs. knows nothing at all about cigars. She saw me bite the end off one and said, "Why don't you just buy the right size?"

When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

Did you hear about the four blondes who went on a picnic. When they had opened the bottle of 1-cal coke and poured it into the four glasses they sat and argued about which one of them had got the 1 calorie.

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

Clinton will always be listed in the reference books as the President after Bush.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.

Well if he's the undisputed champion of the world, then what's all the fighting about?

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Q: What is the first thing you know?
A: Old Jed's a millionaire.



The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

And women of course are the absolute masters of fashion put-downs. At a cocktail party one woman said to another, "What a beautiful suit that is. I like it better every time I see it on you."

The other, fingering the material of her rival's sleeve said "And such lovely cloth, you really should have it made into something."

At one point in my life I had considered joining the Baptist Church. For those of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person. Luckily I even knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter, and I asked him if he would consider performing the service.

He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look and said, "Jimmy, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to anchor you overnight."

Top 11 Signs You Are a Liberal
  1. You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
  2. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
  3. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand-in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
  4. You have to believe that all trial lawyers are selfless heroes and all doctors are overpaid.
  5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented charges in climate, than by yuppies driving SUVs.
  6. You have to believe that gender roles is right-wing propaganda, but being gay is natural.
  7. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  8. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  9. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.
  10. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
  11. You should be shallow, muddled, contradictory, divorced of logic and a bit sadistic


Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, honey, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

Amanpreet went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed. When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea." he responded, and got up. Amanpreet walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver."

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?"

Ray answered, "It was easy. I just never argue with anyone."

The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else -- diet, meditation, or *something*. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!"

The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.

Then he shrugged. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."

Judi reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Judi again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

The woman is shopping for a bra, but she has an unusual problem. One of her breasts is much longer than the other one. The lingerie saleslady notices her customer's deformity and says, "I notice one of your breasts is longer than the other. How did that happen?"

"To be honest with you," says the shopper, "my husband can't sleep unless he has my breast in his mouth. That explains why one is so much longer than the other."

"How odd," says the clerk, "my husband does the exact same thing but my breasts are the same size."

"Yeah," says the shopper, "but I bet you don't sleep in twin beds."

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked:

"Then which does God believe?"

Because of his name, Amanpreet was a little shy. (He realized it means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages.) His friend wanted to see him get out of his rut and set him up with a date. "It's all set!" his friend told him.

"Who is it?" Preet asked.

"My friend, Judi."

"No, thanks, but I'm not very good at blind dates. What if she turns out to be uglier than seven miles of bad roads?"

"Trust me, Preet, she's really cool. And she's really pretty. You guys will get along great!"

"All right, but look, if I don't like the way she looks, I'm going to fake an asthma attack. I'll go 'aaaarrggghhh' and hold my throat like I'm having trouble breathing. Then, when she asks what's wrong, I'll tell her, 'it's my asthma', and I'll call off the date."

That night Preet gets to Judi's house. He knocks on the door. The door opens to reveal a drop deal gorgeous woman. Preet stood there with his mouth open, shocked at how pretty the woman was.

Judi looked at Preet, grabbed her throat and said, "Aaaarrrggghhh!"

Signs Of The 90's ...
  1. You worry about your microwave being year 2000 compliant.

  2. You didn't realize Sunday was Easter until you read your Dilbert calendar.

  3. When your wife puts on sexy lingerie and lures you into bed, you stop her because you have to check your e-mail first.

  4. When you are in the mood for a party atmosphere, you go to a chat room.

  5. You feel behind the times because you still watch movies on tapes instead of DVDs.

  6. You start believing the NBA players deserve a raise.

  7. You open a family business with yourself as the president, and the other family members try to squeeze you out.

  8. At bars you give out your e-mail address instead of phone numbers.

  9. You'd go to the park to enjoy a spring afternoon, but there aren't any modem jacks.

  10. You read about the sweatshop workers and think of how tragic their situation is before going to work in your 4'x4' cubicle for twelve hours.


How do you get a liberal arts graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?

This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident.

I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.

I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.

I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Little Known Chinese Proverbs ...
  1. Man who run in front of car, get tired.

  2. Man who run behind car, get exhausted.

  3. Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

  4. War doesn't determine who's right - war determines who's left.

  5. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

  6. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

  7. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

  8. Man who sit on tack get point.

  9. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.


Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement ...
  1. Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

  2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

  3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

  4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

  5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

  6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

  7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.


Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement #2 ...
  1. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

  2. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

  3. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

  4. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.

  5. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

  6. .If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

  7. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.


Things I've Learned #4 - by Dave Barry
  1. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

  2. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

  3. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

  4. Your friends love you anyway.

  5. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


Things I've Learned #3 - by Dave Barry
  1. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

    * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

    * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

    * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

    * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

  2. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

  3. You should not confuse your career with your life.


Things I've Learned #2 - by Dave Barry
  1. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

  2. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

  5. Nobody is normal.

  6. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
    * The universe is even bigger than they thought!
    * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
    * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

  7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

  8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


Things I've Learned - by Dave Barry
  1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

  2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

  3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

  4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

  5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  6. A penny saved is worthless.

  7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

  8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


Murphy's Laws of Computing ...

True Stories ...

-Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had turned the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still couldn't see the printer.


Words To Ponder...
  1. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

  2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  3. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  4. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  5. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  12. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


Letter from redneck mom to redneck son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

"The difference between fantasy and science fiction is that one hast honest politicians scrupulous lawyers, and altruistic doctors, while the other only has beings from outer space." - William John Watkins

~~~ Good thing he didn't loose his glasses... ~~~

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!?"

Amanpreet and Judi married. Preet thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings Judi breakfast in bed.

Judi wasn't impressed wit his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted *scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, Preet brings his true love a *scrambled* egg.

Judi wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted *poached* this morning!"

Determined to please Judi, the *next* morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought Judi *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.

"Here, love, enjoy!"

"You scrambled the wrong egg."

Judi had just returned to the United States from a month-long trip to Europe. She'd been to England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. Amanpreet met her at the airline gate, hugged her, and asked, "So, how was your trip?"

"Oh, it was terrible," she replied, "the whole place is just full of foreigners."

We will be flying tomorrow

So we took a look at these RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man..Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS !!

Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail

Your children are named Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor.com

You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

School Daze

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

The Top 10 Things only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

And the number on thing that only women understand 1. OTHER WOMEN!

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain. The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

You Know You're Getting Old When ...
  1. You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

  2. Every time you think about exercise, you lie down til the thought goes away.

  3. Your mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

  4. You finally know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

  5. You finally get your head together, but your body is falling apart.

  6. You just hang something in your closet for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes.

  7. You've seen it all, done it all, and can't remember most of it.

  8. You were just getting used to yesterday, then along came today.

  9. You think you understand everything and then you regain consciousness.


Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.

Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Jeanne had written me about her new Caller ID phone she'd bought. The words on the LCD showed up in French (the default language for the model) and because she'd bought the "floor model" there was no documentation with it. She took the phone back to the store and tired to explain the problem that the phone was "in French". Judi was working there and said, "You mean, when people call you, you hear their words in French?"

Steve called City Hall and asked for directions to there. Steve asked if City Hall was on the east or west side of the street. Judi replied, "It depends which direction you're coming from."

Eva and Judi were watching ESPN show the whole process of how to parachute. While watching the parachuters jump out of the plane, Judi asked, "Why would they wear backpacks? Seems that would just weigh 'em down." Mark's company prepares contracts ahead of time for their premium customers. They alphabetize the contracts so the agent can find the contract quickly when the customer comes to the counter. One night they were alphabetizing the paperwork when Debbie noticed she had a reservation for Mr. Garza. She said, loud enough for everyone to enjoy, "Save me a 'G Spot', please!"

Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement #3 ...
  1. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

  2. On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

  3. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

  4. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".

  5. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

  6. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.


Company Motivational Posters for the Cynical #2 ...
  1. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

  2. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

  3. Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

  4. Plagiarism saves time.

  5. If at first you don't succeed - try management.

  6. At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

  7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

  8. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame.


An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."

Observation ...

Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Politically Correct Terms About Females

She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not: Easy
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She will never: Sag
She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED

She does not have: Big Hair
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied.

"I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

My friend's daughter is four years old, and has a hard time grasping the concept of marriage.

Thinking visual images would help my friend got out their wedding album, and explained the entire service to her.

Once finished, He asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

On their wedding night, Amanpreet displays his "magnificent beast" to his new bride, Lori, and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him.

He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. Upon his return, Lori questions him.

"'Preet, I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But, Quint, down at the drug store, has one, too!"

"Well, uh, " Amanpreet stutters, "you see, Quint and I were, uh, in the Air Force together, yeah, that's it, in the military, and I had two, so, uh, I gave him one of mine."

Lori sighed. "Oh. I see. Well, why did you give him the *best* one?"

~~~ Fasten Your Seat Belt! ~~~ - From D. Belle

My 15 year old daughter, with her new permit in her hand, begged and begged me to let her get behind the wheel to prove to us what a good driver she was. After switching seats and her getting all situated in the driver's seat, she looked at me and asked "The big pedal is for stopping, right?"

~~~ Unfasten Other Things ~~~

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO -- the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" =2

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WHHHOOOOSH-KA-BOOOOM!!! He is jolted back as it plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man weakly looks up and replies, "Yes there is, son. Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Words To Ponder #3 ...
  1. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  2. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  3. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  4. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  6. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

  7. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

  8. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  9. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

  10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
for more humor, go here.

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