Stuff I've Collected From Friends

CWRUnet Quote Submitted by Carmen Brabham

I Wish I Had Known by Melanie Hirt

I'm Not Surprised Submitted by Laura Jarus

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Case Lingo by Carmen Brabham

CASE LINGO (and what it really means...)
1. I'm tired, so I think I'll stay in tonight. (I'm going to play Doom into 3 in the morning.)
2. I didn't study much for the test. (I studied 5 hours.)
3. I studied a lot for the test. (I dedicated the last week of my life to studying for that test, and in the process didn't sleep, eat, or go to class.)
4. I've met a lot of friends here. (I've met a lot of people smarter that me than I can get to help me with my homework.)
5. The net's down. (AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
6. It's snowing again. (Why didn't I go to college in Florida?)
7. Students at other colleges have more fun. (But in 10 years, they'll be working for me.)
8. I was lazy last night and didn't get much done. (I only studied for 3 hours and then I, gasp, went out.)
9. Southsiders never leave there room. (Northsiders are forced to leave their room in order to go the bathroom.)
10. Northsiders are freaks. (As are Southsiders.)
11. You're a liberal arts major????? What are you going to do with that????? (You haven't truly experienced Case until you've taken the Core.)
12. It's a Case thing. (Too many meanings to write. But if you're a Case student you understand.)

You've Been in College Too Long Submitted by Melanie Hirt

• You consider McDonald's "real food"
• You actually like doing laundry at home
• 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends
• It starts getting late on the weeknights
• Two miles is not too far to walk for a party
• You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it
• You'd rather clean than study
• "Oh fuck how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night
• Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal
• Minesweeper is more than a game it's a way of life
• You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps
• You know the pizza boy by name
• You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark
• You live for getting mail
• Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
• Prank phone calls become funny again
• It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on
• Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world)
• You start thinking and sounding like your roommate
• Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth
• Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime
• You find out milk crates had so many uses
• Wal-mart is the coolest store
• The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
• You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long

Friends Submitted by Jaime Raffaele

As we have grown and changed so have our ideas on friendship...

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one..
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.
9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you date to the prom.
13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at the college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

Carmen Brabham on the Subject of My Criminal Activities

***ALL POINTS BULLETIN**** Be on the lookout for the Una-Julie. She has brown hair and eyes, and is of medium height. She has gills and can be found in the pool much of the time. The rest of the time she is in front of her computer. She can be heard to mutter "I hate computers!!!!!!!and all technology!!!!!!!!!I'm switching majors!!!!!!!!" She is armed with a 3.5 caliber floppy disk so excercise extreme caution. Word is that she also has a P166 hidden away in her secret hideout (Norton-where no man has dared to go) loaded with 32 RAM. this is a powerful device that should only be used by communications experts. If you do see the Una-Julie, run to your room grab your hard drive and CD-roms's and head to the heavily guarded CWRUnet compound in Wickenden. You should be safe from technology and the real world there!

Submitted by Mrs. Palmino

A VISIT FROM ST. WILHELM

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Web. Ne'er a hacker was surfin', not even Ms. Deb (she's a big Net freak). The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, in the hopes that St. Wilhelm* soon would be there; The newbies were nestled all snug near their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

Mamma on the sofa, and I with a snack, Had just settled down at my Computer named Mack, When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new window Mack flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle, I thought he would crash. I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But Mack jumped to a page which wasn't quite clear; When the image resolved, so bright and agile, I knew in a moment it must be St. Wil.

More rapid than mainframes more graphics they came, Then Wil glanced toward my screen & Mack called then by name; " Now, Compaq, now Acer!" my speaker did reel; "On, Apple! On Gateway!", Then Wil started to squeal. "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make This thing hip!" The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM, Then, into my room rose a full hologram.

He was dressed in polyester, from his head to his shoes, Which were black with white socks, that he really could lose. A bundle of discs he had in his backpack, He looked like a Hacker just beginning to Hack. His eyes -- How they twinkled! His glasses how techno! It was hard to believe that he did this pro bono. A pocket protector stuck out from his shirt, Which was stained only once by a little blue spurt. He wore his pants high and his tie in a bow, and the fuzz on his chin had just started to grow. He had a skinny face but a little beer belly, And his hair was slicked sideways with petroleum jelly.

I took a step back when I noticed its sheen, Wil looked arouind then walked up to my screen. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, not even a joke, And accessed my root directory with only a stroke. He defragged my harddrive and added a SIMM, Then threw in some games, just on a whim. He worked without noise, his finger's they flew, As he distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo. He updated Office, Excel and Quicken. Then added a screensaver with a clucking red chicken. My eyes widened a bit as I stood there agape, As he even installed the latest version Netscape.

Mack's drive gave a whirl, as if he were pleased. St Wil finally smiled, with the computer appeased. And laying his finger on the bridge of his nose, and giving a nod, he turned into ones and zeros. He flew back into my screen and up my uplink, Back into the Net with barely a blink.

But I heard his shrill voice, ere he flew from my sight, "HAPPY SURFING TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD BYTE."

*(Wilhelm Schckard, according to the Computer Museum of America, invented the first mechanical adding machine in 1623 - the predecessor to today's modern computers)

What College Viewbooks Don't Tell You by Melanie Hirt

WHAT THE COLLEGE VIEWBOOKS DON"T TELL YOU
(and what you said, "yeah, right" to before you actually got here)

1.   Quarters are like gold.
2.   Be creative in the dining hall.
3.   Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4.   You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5.   Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6.   New additions to the food groups:  Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben &
      Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
7.   Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8.   Duct tape heals all wounds.  (If not, scotch or masking tape will
      suffice for awhile.)
9.   Showers become less important.
10.  Sleep becomes more important.
11.  Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12.  Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can
       last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on
       them...").
13.  You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle
      maker).
14.  10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first
       class (not that this is anything really new).
15.  Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16.  It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books,
      trash, alcohol...
17.  If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18.  You begin to nap again (also not new).
19.  Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20.  Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always
      required for his class?
21.  Labs used to be fun.
22.  T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly
      articulated.
23.  Squirt guns=stress relief.
24.  E-mail becomes your second language.
25.  Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26.  Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27.  You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28.  You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29.  Professors are like celebrities:  you see them, but they never
      see you.
30.  Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd
       never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends"
       verbatim.
31.  See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's
      actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
32.  Roadtrip whenever possible.
33.  Pick up all new lingo.
34.  Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35.  Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36.  Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37.  The health service attendants are there because they couldn't
       make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
38.  Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they
       flush.
39.  Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40.  Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41.  College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more
       freedom...and no curfew.
42.  It never sucked so much to get sick.
43.  Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44.  Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the
      room.
45.  You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just
       an expression...it's not!
46.  You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought
       necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put
       together.
47.  Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48.  Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49.  Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50.  You never thought you would share so much about yourself with
      people you have known for such a short time.
51.  Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52.  Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53.  Disney movies are more than just classics.
54.  Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55.  You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought
       possible.
56.  Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't
      get the messages.
57.  Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58.  Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is
       recycled.
59.  ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60.  Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61.  You almost forget how to drive.
62.  You'll drink anything if it's free..
63.  People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64.  You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65.  The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep
       your stereo down.
66.  Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
67.  You never realized how cool you can be.
68.  TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69.  You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to
       work study.
70.  Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them
      more than ever before.
71.  You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the
       movies.
72.  You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and
       roommates snoring.
73.  You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74.  You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends,
       girls, activities, work, parties...
75.  You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76.  People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77.  You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle,
       except for those pesky classes.
78.  You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not
       (usually not).
79.  Procrastination becomes an art.
80.  Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for
81.  The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is
       dirty.
82.  Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83.  With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel
       like you're on intellectual welfare.
84.  Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85.  Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade
      point average.
86.  You have two kinds of shoes:  everyday shoes and party shoes.
87.  Classes: the later the better.
88.  The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89.  Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90.  The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91.  Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92.  You just don't learn last names.
93.  Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94.  That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more
       than in high school Physics class.
95.  Card games never lasted for hours before.
96.  Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97.  Boys will dance in college.
98.  People who never talked to you in high school are now your best
       friends when you come home.
99.  You are NEVER alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing,
       yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of
       two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of
       whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den,
        library, etc.  to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some
       cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or
       mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you
       never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.

Psalm 23 The College Finals Version Submitted by Gloria Hsieh

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.

My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,
Amen!

Differences Between High School and College Submitted by Melanie Hirt

High School vs. College

25. In high school, you "do homework."  In college you "study."

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.  In college,
food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in
college on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without
looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents.  In
college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take.  In college,
you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and
you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've
paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your
way out of it.  In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the
professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your
grade even than your high school final exams did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning,"  you
mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you
write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls.  In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on in order to figure
out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them
there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10 it's much more
time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know
he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three
meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you don't
need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not
allowed.

1.  In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like
this.

Why College is Like Preschool by Melanie Hirt

1. You cry for your mother.
2. You cross the street without looking for cars.
3. Snack time is a necessity.
4. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
5. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
6. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
7. You wear big mittens.
8. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
9. You take naps.
10. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

Can't Remember Who Sent Me This

THE CREATION:

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
c:\Let there be light!

Enter user id.
c:\God

Enter password.
c:\Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\Create light
Done

c:\Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\Create firmament
Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:\Create dry_land
Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the light
Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\Create sun_moon_stars
Done

c:\Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\Create fish
Done

c:\Create fowl
Done

c:\Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.

And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\Create cattle
Done

c:\Create creepy_things
Done

c:\Now let me make man in my image
Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\Open God_database
Database opened

c:\Use Human_nature
Table loaded

c:\Create man
Done

c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\Insert breath
Done

c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\Create Garden.edn
Done

c:\Move man to Garden.edn
Done

c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\Copy woman from man
Done

c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\Create desire
Done

c:\Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create freewill
Done

c:\Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create good, evil
Done.

c:\Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.

c:\Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:\Break

c:\Break

c:\Break

*** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 TH 7:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

Document Last Updated March 15, 1997

© 1997 by:
Julie Szmyd
Computer Science
Case Western Reserve University

jms13@po.cwru.edu

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