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Air Force complaints

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

WC Humor

From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and

Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:

Beauty is only a light switch away.

- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.

- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

- Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.

- Smokey Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

- Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon.

- Nathan's. Washington,

D.C.Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.

- Women's Restroom. City View Tavern. Cincinnati, Ohio.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

- The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

- The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until everything between us is over (completely). Please remember I love you! - Tori

- On dollar bill F602225237.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

- God is dead. (Nietzsche)

- Nietzsche is dead. (God)

- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?

- Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.

- Men's restroom Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky.

49 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Bumperstickers:

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

How to be annoying in your spare time...

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way"

Staple papers in the middle of the page

Ask 800 operators for dates

Ask co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.

Mutter something about "psychological profiles"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend"

Ask to "interface" with someone

Ask people what gender they are

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its 1st page

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise

Honk and wave to strangers

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange

Change channels 5 minutes before the end of every show

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being 1st in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE

Only type in lowercase and don't use any punctuation either

Pay for your dinner with pennies

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes

Repeat everything someone says, as a question

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:

Inform others... of your Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories that they exist only in your imagination

Light road flares on a birthday cake

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"

At a laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Santa smells" until physically restrained

Wear a... cape that says "Magnificent One", LOT of cologne

As much as possible, skip rather than walk

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read

Finish... the 99 bottles of beer song, all sentences with "in accordance with prophesy"

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat

Drive half a block

Name your dog "Dog"

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think"

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and put the cookie parts back in the tray

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Draw

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot"

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes"

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such a "Feliz Navidad" or the Mr. Rogers theme song

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up

Make appointments for the 31st of September

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down

Chew on pens that you've borrowedInvent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid appearing ignorant

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing"

Sing along at the opera

Mow your lawn with scissors

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme

Incessantly recite phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket"

Stare at static on the TV and claim you see a "magic picture"

Select the same song on the jukebox 50 times

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims

Don't add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment

Never make eye contact

Never break eye contact

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears

Construct... elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice

Holler random numbers while someone is countingInvite lots of people to other people's parties

Send 50 copies of this list to everyone you know

Ponderous ponderings and amusing irrelevant facts

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? ---- Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Can hermits have peer pressure?

Where did all the erasers to the put-put pencils go?

Top twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

Be aware, IT problems!

Dear Sir,

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as "Fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes, which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release: A "Don't remind me again" button, a minimize button, and a shutdown feature. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself, following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

Sincerely,

Joe Consumer

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

RELATIONSHIPS:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made one at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping.

He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit , then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

Famous people

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bob Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." --Marsha Warfield

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of you three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." --Drew Carey

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." --Jay Mohr

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here' " --Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?" --Steven Wright

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning." --Richard Lewis

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni

"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes." --Steven Wright

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' " --Emo Phillips

The World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

23. "The Book of Virtues" by Dean Rains

22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

21. Human Rights Advances in China

20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years

18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

17. America's Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Directory

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Diversen

After-beat wordt gespeeld door naslagwerkers

Remember, when sex was safe and motorcycles were dangerous

Schepen verwelken, rozen vergaan, maar Super-Grover zal altijd blijven bestaan

Life is a bitch, so screw it!

Hooters hooters, yum yum yum, hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb

Change is not what it used to be

A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station is where the train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

To err is human. To really screw things up takes a computer.

Computers are like air-conditioners: Both stop working, if you open Windows.

The box said "Requires Windows 3.1 or better". So I bought a Mac.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The stone age was marked by mans clever use of crude tools. The information age is marked by mans crude use of clever tools.

Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.

Girls are like Internet domain names: The one I like is already taken!"