Confucius says.....

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
A girls best asset is her liability ('lie'ability).
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission 
grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
Confucius say too fucking much!!!
Elevator smell different to midget.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble 
before they shoot.
He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living colour!!
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who sniffs coke drowns.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman 
have more!
Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who eat jellybean fart in Technicolor.
Man who eat pussy do lip service.
Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
Man who piss into wind get wet.
Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end 
up with splitting headache.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons
Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
Men who put cream in tart not always bakers!
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Never eat yellow snow.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with 
pants down.
Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get 
caught red-handed.
Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick all gone.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
Wash your face in morning neck at night.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
When in doubt, whip it out.
When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she 
mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.