Canonical Education
Canonical Education
CONTENTS
AGGIE JOKES
EXAM HUMOR
EDUCATION HUMOR
== AGGIE JOKES ==
=-= 1
There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving along this old
farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the
farmer's door. The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced
themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups
and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?"
The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try."
About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off
with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
About three months later, the same three students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled
and asked what he could do for them this time?
One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a
field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket
of milk?"
Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and
sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my
milkweeds."
Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket
overflowing with fresh milk and drove off. This time, the farmer was really
confused, but just a little less skeptical.
It was about three or four months later when the three agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they
were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows. Needless to say, the
farmer went with them this time on their excursion.
=-= 2
Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?
Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.
=-= 3
Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
=-= 4
Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College
Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
=-= 5
Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
=-= 6
Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
=-= 7
Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
=-= 8
How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
=-= 9
How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
=-= 10
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
=-= 11
Two Texas Longhorn students and an Aggie were driving through the Texas
countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farmhouse. So
they knocked on the door and asked the gruff old farmer if they could stay the
night.
The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told them to go out
into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable they could find, then to return to
the farmhouse.
Some time later, the two Longhorns found themselves dead and in line at the
pearly gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their tale. "Okay," said
Saint Peter, "You went out and found some fruits and vegetables. How did you
die?"
"Well," continued one of the Longhorns, "My friend here returned first with a
cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and commanded, 'Stick that
cherry up your ass, and if you laugh I'll shoot you!'"
"And?" prompted Saint Peter.
"He laughed, and the farmer shot him."
"Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the second Longhorn.
"It tickled," he said.
"Then it was my turn," continued the first Longhorn. "I had also brought a
cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and told me the same thing. I
laughed and he shot me."
"And why did you laugh?" Saint Peter asked.
"I saw the Aggie coming up the walkway with a watermelon."
=-= 12
Two ex-Aggies decide to have a reunion. One decides to visit the other one
living in a big town. The visiting Aggie gets lost and calls his friend,
"Hey buddy, I am coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am."
His friend replies, "It's okay, just look at the street intersection, there
will be two signs, read them to me."
The lost one looks over and then says, "Okay, okay, I see them, one
says 'Walk', the other one says 'Do not walk'."
"Oh good, you are right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up."
=-= 13
Two Aggie builders were working on a house.
One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out
a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it
into the wood.
The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you
throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's
pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can
use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names,
explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're
for the other side of the house!!"
=-= 14
An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys
some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads
sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought
defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their
heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send
a letter back asking for a soil sample.
=-= 15
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior
who knew the recipe graduated.
=-= 16
An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium.
The Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You
see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why
don't you try it!"
The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares
into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start
bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through
his gills.
(Do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)
=-= 17
Three college friends, one each from University of Texas, Baylor, and Texas
A&M, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The
airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to
get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching
all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to
pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard
would simply nod and let them through.
So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store and came
back shortly to try to get in. The Baylor student walked up to the guard and
gestured at the long pole he carried.
"Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.
The University of Texas student, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain,
approached the guard next and showed off his wares.
"Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
The Aggie came last with a roll of chain link on his shoulder.
"Fencing."
=-= 18
The star wide receiver for the Texas A&M Aggies football team, Bubba, was
walking down the street one day when he came across a fire in a four-story
building. On the fourth floor, a woman was yelling out the window, "Save my
baby! Save my baby!"
The gathering crowd had no idea of what to do until Bubba got a great idea,
so he shouted, "Ma'am, just throw the baby down to me and I will catch it. I am
the star wide receiver for the Aggies."
At first, the woman was not convinced, but the approaching flames eventually
changed her mind. So, she closed her eyes after Bubba was ready and flung the
baby out of the window. It happened to be a bit of a windy day, so Bubba had
trouble judging the baby's trajectory. He had to run a bit left, then a bit
right, then left again. At the last moment, a gust of wind caused the baby to go
back to the right. Bubba stretched his arms out, jumped, and made a spectacular
diving catch to the roar of the crowd.
Bubba then jumped back up, held the baby in the air while yelling and doing a
celebratory dance. After that, Bubba went ahead and spiked the baby...
=-= 19
The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game between the
Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years back, the Longhorns would
win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a meeting after a
particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why they couldn't beat the
Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the source and send one of their
assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find the answer.
Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn
practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked, "Why do
y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid. Let
me demonstrate..." Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the
field, held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the Longhorns,
so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch. At the last moment,
Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went back to College Station
with a broken hand. The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found
out in Austin and asked him the next day during practice.
Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are stupid.
Let me demonstrate..."
He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall. So he held his
hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."
=-= 20
It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the
juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was
strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I
had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!"
His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As
was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the
chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His
final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think
that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT
many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing
happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M
University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final
words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you
know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing
will work."
=-= 21
It seems a group of four Aggies (students from Texas A&M for those unfamiliar
with the traditions between Texas and Texas A&M) were arrested just outside of
Austin by Travis County Sheriff's officers early one morning (Nov 4). They were
spotted removing highway signs from their signposts and taking them. Their
explanation was that they were going to use the signs as fuel in the traditional
Aggie Bon Fire which is held the week before the Texas-Texas A&M football game
which is on Nov 26. All the signs in the back of their truck had the word
"Austin" in them (they were mileage markers reading "Austin 44", "Austin 24",
"Austin 16", etc.) and formed a trail leading back to College Station.
The signs were all made of metal.
=-= 22
A reporter for the Dallas Morning News decided to write a series on Aggies.
In order to get more information, he went to College Station to do his research.
On the first day, he decided to drive his car in. He went into the library, got
in a good day's work, and walked back to the parking lot. A group of Aggies were
gathered around his car. They were saying, "Is it an airplane? No, I don't
think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it a boat? No, I don't
think so."
Finally, the smart Aggie in the back piped up, "I know what that is, it's a
car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed, applauded him, and the crowd
dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to ride a motorcycle to campus. When he
finished working, the group of Aggies were gathered around his hog: "Is it an
airplane? No, I don't think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it
a boat? No, I don't think so." Finally, the smart Aggie in the back again piped
up, "I know what that is, it's a car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed,
applauded him, and the crowd dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to really throw the Aggies for a loop and
rode in his...oh, what are those one-wheeled things...ummmm... [this is when
the person you are telling this joke to replies "unicycle" at which point you
applaud him or her.]
================================================================================
== EXAM HUMOR ==================================================================
-= exam humor =-= 1 -
The Final Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions.
Time limit: four hours. Begin immediately.
Agricultural Science:
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather
hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and
estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with
world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Animal Husbandry:
In three minutes, a stupid gorilla with a negative I.Q. will be admitted to the
room. Teach him to calculate cube roots. You may not use any form of
communication.
Architecture:
Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the
examination period. You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch
tape. Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of
sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.
Art:
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
Biology:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form
of life had developed five hundred million years earlier, with special attention
to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Extra credit: Facilitate/catalyze the evolution of a single-cellular life-form
to the development of intra/extrasolar space travel.) Then create a human
being, given two pieces of DNA, a pair of scissors, and a piece of string; you
may not use the scissors.
Chemistry:
Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat.
Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.
You have fifteen minutes.
Comprehension:
Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name
in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence
three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes,
yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle
around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668.
Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small
holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far,
call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following
directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle
around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have
finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
Computer Science:
Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU
supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the
communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.
Economics:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible
effects of you plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy,
the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out
deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last
question.
Electronics:
Build a particle accelerator. You have been provided with a wire cutter, ten
feet of wire, and a piece of bubble gum.
Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your
desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten
minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology:
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Foreign Affairs:
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a
foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal
opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered
so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the
pros and cons.
History:
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Juris Prudence:
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist
revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup
d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist
mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such
a policy today.
Literature:
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and
footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and
the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
Logic:
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is
infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off
the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the
person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all
work.
Management Science:
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130
CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design
the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
Mathematics:
Give today's date, in metric. Extra credit: Prove that (0/0)=1. You are
expected to show at least 234 formulas. You may only use the following
variables: S=the speed of turkeys, F=the amount of snot in your nose, G=the day
of the week, and T=the number of pencils in your backpack.
Medicine:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of
Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been
inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics:
Prove that you do not exist.
Music:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You
will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy:
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare
with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physics:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the
impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Modern Physics:
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your
position.
Political Science:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report
at length on its socio-political effects this may have. Extra credit: For the
Noble Peace Prize, stop the war before all life as we know it is ended. Provide
an in depth report on how this was achieved. Do not forget to mention
fluctuations in the price of pork bellies. Extra extra credit: For the CIA's
Excellence in Covert Relocation Award (sometimes referred to as the Elvis
award), let the evidence that you started World War III get into the hands of
whatever agencies of authority still exist. Then, disappear. (Please note,
though the requirements to claim the Elvis may actually be achieved, arriving,
in person, to receive it will automatically invalidate your claim. Should you
be awarded the Elvis, we expect it, like you, to simply disappear without a
trace.)
Psychology:
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought,
successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes,
bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the
person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge
of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with
quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate. Extra credit: Translate the aforementioned works into
Ancient Hebrew and provide a concordance of all their works, also in Ancient
Hebrew. Extra extra credit: Jeffrey Dahmer will be admitted to this room. He
has one chainsaw and a kitchen knife. Calm him. You may use any ancient
language except Latin.
Public Speaking:
2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use
any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion:
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve,
and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a
Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate
this debate. Extra credit: Memorize the entire bible backwards in Swahili. Be
prepared to answer specific questions.
Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world.
Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test
your theory.
Xenology:
Create Aliens. Provide them with a working ecosystem, technological and medical
bases, culture(s), systems of entertainment/traditions/belief and communication.
Document the manner in which you envision they would interact with humanity.
Test your theory, paying particular attention to unforseen consequences.
Zoology:
Use gene-splicing technology to create the ultimate carnivore. Provide an
environmental impact study on this creature and estimate the chances of survival
of the Human species. Be prepared with visual aids to substantiate your
estimate.
General Knowledge:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give two examples.
-= exam humor =-= 2 -
City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: ________________ Alias: ____________ Gang: ________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots and
shoots 18 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he
attempt before he shoots 50 people?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 bal to Jackson for $820 and 2
grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of
the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day
crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroine to make 20% more profit. How
many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4, if
he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to
make $800?
6. Raul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much will be left when he
gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that
spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 sq. ft. and the average letter is 8 sq.
ft., how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What
percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the
dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to
make $250.
10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14
year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend
in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking
and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior
convictions in arriving at your answer.
City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam (Answers)
1. Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive-by, which means that he will have to
participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have
completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has
to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people
when the homeboys with the Uzis' make Swiss cheese out of him.
2. At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8
grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps
selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have
6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23)
packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into
small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger
profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable
Economics Test.
3. 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with
Pony from Question #2.
4. If he sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, he will need
20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Jarome will need 1.6oz
of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. He will want a
cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting
point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but
will sharply limit repeat business.
5. Willie has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs
$100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will
probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a
really def low-rider.
6. 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Raul will have $25,000 - $18,000
= $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Raul kills her in the USA, he
should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and
buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott
free.
7. 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little
paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or
the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.
8. 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been
sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only
knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
9. Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
10. Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be doing it again to his
girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
-= exam humor =-= 3 -
Things To Do Instead Of Studying For Final Exams
Have a root canal
Eat dirt
Go to all of your classes
Clean out your bellybutton
Make crank calls
Gamble borrowed money
Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
Talk to yourself
Call 976-anything
Try on all your clothes at one time
Try on all your clothes one at a time
Memorize the phone book
Play your records backwards
Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
Go to the airport and meet people
Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
Start new rumors
Hold your breath till you pass out
Rub your eyes till you see stars
Fry ants with a magnfying glass
Set every clock in a building forward
Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
Go Christmas Caroling by yourself
-= exam humor =-= 4 -
Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam That Does Not Matter
(i.e., you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the
final)
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to).
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go
to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run
off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as
possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the
person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next
video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let the crowd stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they
are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely
blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream
out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam,
you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her
in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get
an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white
mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you
away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that
you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one
way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious, like history
notes for a calculus exam; otherwise, you're not just failing, you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask
for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it
often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every
few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you
can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree
angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
-= exam humor =-= 5 -
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
-= exam humor =-= 6 -
Selections From The Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)
English
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
Reading Comprehension
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere,
some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions,
however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even
further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza A virus
have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlatons of
biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not
taken seriously by most Western scientists. Many researchers in the Soviet
Union, however, do believe in such possibilities, including even a correlation
of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
Mathematics
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70
pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from
Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives
him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five.
What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of
its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference
between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
/\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
Quantitative Comparison
In the following questions, you are asked to compare two quantities. These
quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet,
choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger,
choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the
answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
-= exam humor =-= 7 -
The Nerdity Test
Version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2
5 December, 1993
Introduction:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you
determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or
listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think
you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity
testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up
with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient
(from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to
communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of
modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world
is through the computer Internet system.
Grading:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations
of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who
has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However,
once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100%
nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek
would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept!
I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are
determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take one
point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored by
the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage
that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is
contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the
given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as
suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count, after all, being technical is half of what being a
nerd is all about.
Recommendations And Hints:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your
answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis of
what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and
each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to lying
or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic effect for
the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others should be
treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't want others to
know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal
sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well
as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you ever..."
while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that you have a
propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that you are
currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now" type
questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book.
Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work.
Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful
formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
Section 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics
chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e.
experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equation than the
text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would get
in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
Section 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly,
human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the
element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol
when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be
useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your
interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.
82. RADAR?
83. MODEM?
84. RAM?
85. DNA?
86. ATP?
87. NADP?
88. CRT?
89. CRC?
90. STP?
91. NORAD?
92. NASA?
93. MUD?
94. LED?
95. AI?
96. LASER?
97. RPG?
98. TLA?
99. SCUBA?
100. WYSIWYG?
101. DAT?
102. PINE?
103. JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you
can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units
attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of
pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's
answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you
nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference
book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g.
"AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
Section 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g.
Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee be sent
to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging
unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. talk.bizarre?
206. rec.humor?
207. a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. BASIC?
223. PASCAL?
224. FORTRAN?
225. assembly language?
226. C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for
computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken Internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order to
work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better
computer system than you?
Section 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a Fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for
personal use?
Section 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly
instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it
apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up
members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
Section 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a
Rubik's Cube can have?
Section 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. Dr. Who?
337. Battlestar Galactica?
338. Space: 1999?
339. Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically impossible"
(due to Newton's laws, etc.)?
Section 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawkings?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you, as
an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made
popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)
Section 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG"
(The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
Section 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g.
t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time
when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
(strange, I don't recall writing a Braille edition...)
Section 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep...
418. Caffeine?
419. exercise?
420. Vivarin?
421. NoDoz?
422. something you made in chem. lab?
423. something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass
the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events?
(ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a
"Jeopardy" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a factual
reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll
appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific
theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking
about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the
popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton,
etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was
better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is
better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific
paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
Section 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score the
test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or
tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd
and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to
prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?
497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on this
test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
***Please send it to: jjb1@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
Please put your pencils down. That's it, hope you enjoyed.
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true"
responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Wal-Mart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you
This version compiled by yours truly: J. Bennett, Cornell U., Ithaca, NY.
Any questions or comments? Drop me a line at jjb1@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
Credits- (a.k.a. The "you-think-I'm-gonna-take-all-the-blame" department)
A special big thanks to the following (in no particular order):
Matt Warren :warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu for multiple watching of "Revenge
of the Nerds", underwear with name in it as well as the question on Jeopardy
contestants being stupid.
Rebecca Crowley :rcrowley@zso.dec.com for pointing out that a nerd not only
HAS arguments with his/her professor, but WINS them too!
Laura Sachi :sach0001@student.tc.umn.edu for pointing out the nerd tendency
to simplify the situation, and merely count the questions on the test based on
the one's they can answer 'no' to.
Eric Klis :klis0001@student.tc.umn.edu for verifying equations in textbooks,
using a calculator to tabulate score, being offended by questions found on the
test, and lying in order to get a different score. (well, the questions
pertaining to those activities anyway, I don't know that he has done any of
them)
Carl Oppendahl: oppendahl@panix.com for reminding me of the "dark ages" of
computers when programmers used punch cards, offering the category of ham radio
as a potential nerd hobby, and questioning the speed of a nerd's modem.
Michael Fitch: mjfitch@itchy.phy.duke.edu who felt obligated to raise the
scores of "those physics geeks" who have used radiation film badges, stolen
radiation warning stickers for use on their notebooks, discussed cold fusion
with passing strangers (and been involved in cold fusion testing), integrated
numerically, and been placated by a well drawn spherical harmonic.
anonymous : for competing for the highest score on the test and for
challenging to a rematch when done.
n40mp@relay.nswc.navy.mil : knowledge of reverse polish notation calculators
and favorite computing language (as well as defending it in argument).
Kevin MacCuish: internet@cad.uccb.ns.ca : Thanks for sending a whole lot of
potential questions including the self-help tests, reading computer manuals for
fun, jealousy toward someone due to their computer, 8-track nerds, and everyday
situations as mathematical concepts.
T.K. Baltimore: tkbalt@minerva.cis.yale.edu : IBM vs. Mac and the arguments
over which is better.
Jennifer C. Ginfrida : Jentrpt@bach.udl.edu : for reminding me of my
childhood days spent watching Starblazers. Japanimation was great, but I
suspect that you may be the only person known to exist who can still sing the
themesong to that particular show.
Josh Wojcik: Wojcik@umr.edu : for solving Schroedinger's eqn. "for fun".
Hey, if you've got the time and there's nothing better to do, why not?
Jennifer Deiros: mdeiros@cs.tufts.edu : she's not the only one who still owns
a Commodore 64 and still buys software for it.
Peter White : Peter.White@analog.com : standardizing his OS's through the use
of alias and batch commands, gif file wallpaper and drinking by % alcohol rather
than by taste.
Mike Owsiany : Mowsiany@ecs.umass.edu : applying to colleges just to see if
you can get in.
Rnewell@pomona.claremont.edu : "TNG" vs. "TOS" for the trekker nerds.
Gary P. Chimes : gpchimes@students.wise.edu : who scores the test in
scientific notation, argues over who was better, Einstein or Feynman and isn't
afraid to laugh out loud while reading Feynman's lectures.
Peter Rabinas : peter.j.rabinas.1@nd.edu : for pointing out that only a nerd
would spend time taking a test to see if he was a nerd.
Harry Surden : Has2@cornell.edu : who not only has the dubious distinction of
being the first person from my own site unknown to me to offer input, but has
also lost sleep over computer games, subscribes to Computer Gaming World. Naked
people and hi-res computer scan is also one of his (all of which should lead you
to conclude that Ithaca really needs a better social environment)
I'd like to continue to thank these people for contributing to the older
versions of the nerdity test (see lower version numbers for specifics):
unknown:RMG3@psuvm.psu.edu,
Rahul Verma: RV0S+@andrew.cmu.edu,
Thomas Marlowe: KYRIE@coos.dartmouth.edu,
Kiet H Tran: KHT@kepler.unh.edu,
Cynthia Pettit: Pettit@cs.unc.edu,
Andrew: CS1122@snowhite.cis.uoguelph.ca,
Susan Schneck: schneck@gibbs.oit.unc.edu,
Hal J. Burch: HBURCH@sleepy.ossm.edu,
Carl Mueller: mueller@cs.unc.edu,
Andrew Bell: bell@cs.unc.edu,
And a big thanks to the "Post-Prelim/Problem Set Beer and Wine Crew"
THANK YOU ALL!!
For additional information or a copy of the current version, send me e-mail to
the above address. IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION please send me the
questions you feel appropriate (please, just the questions, NOT the entire test)
as well as how you'd like to be referred to in the credits.
History:
In the beginning there was a large, dense ball of matter at the center of the
universe. For reasons unknown and beyond the scope of this course, this mass
exploded, spewing matter outward. Eventually (derivation skipped, but shown
explicitly in the recommended readings) everything cooled down, life developed
and someone, somewhere created...
no version number : containing the original 100 questions from which the
following is all derived. Origin unknown. Format rough and crude and showing
obvious derivation from the purity test.
version 2.0 : fabled and never seen by this author.
version 2.1 : the first such version 2.1 (both were created independently);
no data available and may be mere rumor.
version 2.1.pi^2 : Rumored to exist somewhere. This author saw a copy of it
once, but has since lost it somewhere on his desktop... Some of its was
utilized in the creation of version 3.1415
version 2.1 : (3-12-92) Prequel to the current edition. Essentially the 100
question version reformatted, made user-friendly and expanded to 200 questions.
version 3.1415 : (2-8-93) a further evolution of V.2.1. It contains 300
questions and was somewhat reworked and rewritten.
version 4.thirds.pi.r.cubed (3-21-93) Originally this was supposed to be the
3.1415 version with 100 ("have you done it recently") questions added in order
to normalize the test. Some testing revealed this to be largely unnecessary and
so much exterior input was received that a 400 question version based on
existing questions allowed this version to be released.
version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2 (12-5-93) 100 new questions,
most of which came from people's comments to earlier versions of the test now in
circulation long enough to generate sizable response. Notable changes include
reformatting and reorganizing the questions into more categories as well as the
addition of the "ranking" section. Some attempts were made at steering the
question wording away from the "serious" and toward the "humorous". For those
wondering about the version number, it represents the third Legendre polynomial;
sorry, but there just aren't all that many nerdy numbers starting with 5.
General Information
In two years of compiling this in the remoteness of upstate New York, responses
have come from as far east as the UK and as far west as Singapore. If you are
interested, both non-North Americans state that the test isn't universal. They
both complained that many questions were culturally biased and others just
didn't apply. If I were writing this for sociological impact rather than for
fun I suppose I would be upset by this news. :)
Roughly 2/3 of the responses I get are from educational institutions. I assume
distribution correlates roughly along those lines too, but have no way of
knowing for sure. I get roughly 3 or 4 responses a week.
The highest reported score is 83% and lowest is 15%. My own score when last I
checked was roughly 81% but of course I'm obviously skewed (in more ways than
one). If you can beat one of the high scores, let me know and I'll FTP you a
year's supply of Turtle Wax brand screen-cleaner (Lemon Scent!) as well as all
the adhesive, colored disk labels you can eat.
-= exam humor =-= 8 -
Nerdity Test
This is the Unofficial 250 Question Purdue University Nerdity Examination.
Equipment needed is this test, several pencils, some sheets of paper and a group
of friends. Calculators are allowed but not required.
The exam is divided into five parts of 50 questions each. Scoring is by the
number of questions answered "yes." Scores of over 50% qualify you as a nerd.
Scores of over 50% yes answers on both this and any purity test qualify you as a
freak. Scores of less than 20% on a purity test and over 50% on a nerdity test
qualify you as a geek.
This test does not imply that Purdue University or any department thereof
necessarily endorses, condones or condemns any of the actions listed here. The
author of this exam does not mean to endorse, condone or condemn any of the
actions listed herein. This test is for entertainment purposes only. Shoot
people only at your own risk.
Part One: Computer Experience
1) Have you ever used a computer?
2) Have you ever used a computer that did not have Windows 3.0 or was not a
Macintosh?
3) Have you ever programmed a computer in BASIC?
4) Have you ever written a structured program in BASIC?
5) Have you ever written a BASIC program that used pointers?
6) Have you ever programmed a computer in Pascal?
7) in Fortran 77?
8) in Fortran 66?
9) in C or C++?
10) in Lisp?
11) in Modula 2?
12) in MathCAD, Mathematica or Smalltalk?
13) in Ada?
14) in PostScript?
15) in Assembler?
16) Have you ever used Make?
17) Have you ever written a program more than 1000 lines long?
18) Have you ever written a compiler THAT WORKED?
19) Have you ever written a computer game (including video games)?
20) Have you ever used a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
21) Have you ever become a God on a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
22) Have you ever managed or created a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
23) Have you ever encountered a computer virus?
24) Have you ever defeated a computer virus (cleaned out your system with no
data loss and little loss of time)?
25) Do you collect viruses?
26) Have you ever infected another computer with a virus intentionally?
27) Have you ever written a computer virus?
28) Was it for profit?
29) Have you ever been AT A LOSS for storage space on your hard drive?
30) Have you ever used UNIX?
31) Have you ever written a UNIX shell script?
32) Have you ever crashed a UNIX system?
33) Was it intentionally?
34) Have you ever installed an operating system on a computer, including your
own?
35) Have you read email in the last week?
36) in the last 24 hours?
37) Have you read news from the computer networks in the last week?
38) in the last 24 hours?
39) Have you ever installed new hardware on your computer?
40) Have you ever built or repaired your own computer?
41) Have you ever done #39 or #40 for someone else?
42) Have you ever set up a BBS for *other than* profit?
(NB: profit-takers should be shot at this point, once in the brain. Author)
43) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it took more time than another
algorithm?
44) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it used more memory than
another algorithm?
45) Have you ever worried about dirty electricity (yes this is a legitimate
question; we have this problem in Chicago.)
46) Have you ever written an Artificial Intelligence program or algorithm?
47) Have you ever taught another person a computer language?
48) Have you ever spent more than 8 hours programming a computer?
49) Have you ever spent consecutive Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings
programming a computer?
50) Have you ever left a really cool party because you wanted to be on the
computer for any reason?
Part Two: Mathematical Experience
Glossary:
ODE = Ordinary Differential Equation (or just plain Differential Equation)
PDE = Partial Differential Equation
51) Do you know Trigonometry?
52) Have you ever taken a derivative?
53) Have you ever taken a partial derivative?
54) Have you ever solved a triple integral?
55) Have you ever solved a first order ODE?
56) Have you ever solved a second order ODE?
57) Have you ever found an Eigenvalue?
58) Have you ever solved a Determinant Matrix?
59) Have you ever used Gauss's Theorem?
60) Green's Theorem?
61) Stokes's Theorem?
62) Have you ever found the Kernel of a Vector Space?
63) Have you ever used a Laplace Transform?
64) Have you ever found a Fourier Series?
65) Have you ever solved a PDE?
66) Are you now or were you ever a Math major or Statistics major?
67) Do you know what a homomorphism is?
68) Do you know what ring theory is?
69) Do you know what a Prime Number is?
70) Do you know what a Smith Number is?
71) Have you ever taken a Reimann Integral?
72) Can you count to more than 1000 on two hands?
73) Can you use a calculator?
74) Can you use a graphing calculator?
75) Can you calculate a waiter's tip in your head?
76) Can you calculate sales tax in your head?
77) Do you know how to add the numbers 1, 2, 3, ... 100 in less than one minute
using just a paper and pencil?
78) Have you ever taken a limit?
79) Have you heard of Lorenz's Equations?
80) Have you ever seen a fractal?
81) Have you ever solved an equation using the square root of negative one?
82) Is 666 a Smith Number? (say no if you don't know)
83) Do you have Pi memorized to more than 5 digits?
84) Do you have e memorized to more than 5 digits?
85) Have you ever integrated a function that was discontinuous at one point?
86) Do you know the first seven Prime Numbers?
87) Can you find the area of a circle of radius r?
88) a sphere of radius r?
89) from x=0 to x=1 for y=x^2?
90) Have you ever taken an improper integral?
91) Have you ever found the critical points of a predator-prey system?
92) Have you ever found the critical points of a chaotic system?
93) Have you ever entered a math competition (math team, American Invitational
Math Exam, and so on?)
94) Have you ever won something in a math competition?
95) Is your Math SAT score above 600?
96) above 700?
97) Do you know the Quadratic Formula by heart?
98) Do you know the polynomial formulae for sin(x) and cos(x) by heart?
99) Have you ever calculated the odds of getting a hand in a card game?
100) Can you find the odds of getting a certain dice roll in your head?
(NB, more on this in Nerd Culture)
Part Three: Science Experience
101) Have you ever taken a calculus-based science course?
102) Have you ever taken a laboratory course for science or engeneering?
103) Are you now or were you ever a hard science major (physics, chemistry,
biology, geology, meteorology, &c) or a real engeneering major? Please
note: food science does not count, nor does psychology. Anyone who argues
as such should be shot, once in the brain. It's for their own good.
Furthermore, technology majors don't count (Electrical Engineering
Technology is not the same as Electrical Engineering, no matter what anyone
says.) Math and Computer Science don't count either, unless you are double
majoring... i.e., physics and math would count for this question and #66
104) Did you ever own a chemistry set?
105) Did you ever make illegal substances (explosives, drugs, etc.) with a
chemistry set?
106) Do you have your own scientific instruments, other than in a chemistry set
(i.e. you buy your own individual Erlenmeyer Flasks, test tubes,
oscilloscopes, voltmeters, and so on. Lab coats don't count, see #122)
107) Did you ever enter a science fair?
108) Did you ever win anything in a science fair?
109) Have you ever thought up an original science experiment?
110) Were you able to perform this experiment?
111) Were the results conclusive?
112) Do you read Scientific American?
113) Science News or Science?
114) Any professional scientific journal (like Physics Quarterly?)
115) Do you know what a kilogram is?
116) Do you know what a TeV is?
117) Do you know how many kilograms there are in a terragram?
118) Do you know how many picometers there are in a centimeter?
119) Do you know what a Watt is?
120) what a Joule is?
121) Do you know Avogadro's Number?
122) Do you own your own lab coat?
123) Do you have stains on clothing from chemistry experiments?
124) Have you ever extrapolated?
125) Have you ever done a least squares fit?
126) Have you ever estimated error using a least squares fit?
127) Have you ever titrated something?
128) Have you ever done a spectral analysis on something?
129) Have you ever distilled something?
130) Have you ever used a voltmeter?
131) a galvinometer?
132) an oscilloscope?
133) a Hall Probe?
134) Have you ever dissected an animal?
135) Have you ever dissected a human being?
136) Have you ever solved an equation for oxidation-reduction reaction?
137) Do you know what Parabolic Motion is?
138) Do you know Maxwell's Equations?
139) Do you understand Einstein's Theory of General Relativity?
140) Special Relativity?
141) Have you ever solved a Schrodinger Wave Equation?
142) Have you ever had an experiment get you sick?
143) Have you ever had an experiment catch fire or explode on you?
144) Have you ever extracted DNA from something in a laboratory in order to
perform an experiment on it?
145) Have you ever altered DNA in a laboratory?
146) Have you ever maintained a bacteria colony under laboratory conditions
(sorry, your bedroom does not count)
147) Have you ever done any laboratory work involving viruses?
148) Have you ever maintained a colony of living animals under laboratory
conditions (i.e. fruit flies).
149) Have you ever been the target of a political group because of your
experiments (i.e. Operation Rescue, Animal Liberation Front, Mad Mothers
Against Socially Unacceptable Physicists, etc.)
150) Have you ever done an experiment that required more than one month to
perform?
Part Four: Nerd Culture
152) Have you ever been told to leave a party for reasons other than obnoxious
behavior?
153) Have you ever left a party because you felt more comfortable in front of a
computer or performing an experiment (including classwork)?
154) Have you ever been called a nerd, geek, loser, wimp or other similarly
derogatory comment?
155) Have you ever seen "Revenge Of The Nerds" and identified with the main
characters?
156) Have you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"?
157) Have you read the entire trilogy (all five books)?
158) Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek?
159) Dr. Who?
160) Star Trek: The Next Generation?
161) Blake's Seven?
162) Deep Space Nine?
163) Kung Fu: The Legend Continues?
164) Have you ever attended a convention for any of the shows listed in
questions 158-163?
165) Have you ever played a role playing game?
166) Have you ever participated in a role playing game campaign?
167) Have you ever run a role playing game adventure?
168) Have you ever run a role playing game campaign?
169) Have you ever made your own role playing game?
170) Did you sell, publish or otherwise distribute this game?
171) Have you ever attended a role playing game convention?
172) Are you a regular at role playing game conventions?
173) Have you ever published a science fiction story?
174) a mathematical article?
175) a scientific article? (PhD's included for questions 174-5)
176) Have you ever read a science fiction/fantasy novel other than Hitchhiker's?
177) Have you ever read an entire series of non Hitchhiker's SciFi/fantasy?
178) Have you ever corrected a role playing game, TV show, or novel for
scientific accuracy?
179) Have you ever asked a question in a class?
180) Have you ever corrected a professor in class?
181) Do you usually sit in the front of the class?
182) Are you a member of a career organization (like Society of Physics Students
or Society of Women Engeneers)?
183) Are you a regular in this career organization?
184) Have you ever taken an independent study class?
185) Do you plan to / did you earn two degrees or more as an undergraduate?
186) Are you going / Did you go to Graduate School?
187) Have you ever gotten straight A's in a semester/term/quarter?
188) Have you ever gotten BETTER THAN straight A's in a semester/term/quarter?
189) Were your SAT's ] 1200 combined?
190) ] 1400 combined?
191) Have you ever made a technical joke?
192) Did nobody get it?
193) Have you ever asked a professor a question related to his/her field that
s/he could not come up with a good answer for (i.e. s/he says "let me think
about it and I'll get back to you." Explaining that that's a great paradox
of science etc. does not count.)
194) Have you ever bored someone with too much information (Profs and TA's don't
count for boring their classes. That is expected.)
195) Have people ever joked about you as being a scientist, mathematician or
computer scientist?
196) Are you better known by your computer name (login) than your real name?
197) Have you ever taken a graduate class that you did not need to?
198) as an undergraduate?
199) Have people ever winced when they heard your major, field of study or
occupation?
200) Have you ever taken a nerdity test?
Part Five: Nerd Sex
For the following questions, a nerd counts as someone who would be likely to
score high on a nerdity test. Examples: Computer Electrical Engeneers, Physics
Profs, &c. Nerdity has nothing to do with purity. Gender does not matter for
these questions. People with high purity scores (younger or more sensitive
readers) should beware.
201) Have you ever flirted with a nerd?
202) Have you ever kissed a nerd?
203) Have you ever made out with a nerd?
204) Have you ever had sex with a nerd?
205) Have you ever had sex with two or more nerds in a 24 hour period?
206) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of orgasm?
207) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of mutual orgasm?
208) Have you ever had sex with the same nerd more than once in a 24 hour period
or had one session of sex which lasted for three hours or three orgasms,
whichever came first?
209) Have you ever had a steady relationship with a nerd?
210) Have you ever had a steady relationship with more than one nerd at a time,
such that neither knew (or so you believed)?
211) Do you wear glasses?
212) Do your glasses have tape on them?
213) Do you wear dress slacks more than once a week?
214) Do you own a shirt with equations, a picture of a scientist, mathematician
or computer scientist, or a corporate logo on the front? (Note: those
wearing shirts with corporate logos are to be beaten severely. It's for
their own good.)
215) Do you wear a calculator?
216) Have you ever worn any of the items in 211-215 in order to seduce someone?
217) Have you ever tried to pick someone up by reciting Pi?
218) Euler's Number?
219) Have you ever compared GPA's with someone?
220) SAT scores?
221) Have you ever placed a singles ad in the computer networks?
222) Have you ever met someone over the computer networks?
223) Have you ever dated someone you met over the computer networks?
224) Have you ever had sex with someone you met over the computer networks?
225) Have you ever had sex with someone via the computer?
226) Have you ever lied about your gender over the computer?
227) Have you ever had sex with someone over the computer while they thought you
were a different gender?
228) Have you ever read erotic material on a computer bulletin board or
newsgroup?
229) Have you ever posted erotic material on a computer bulletin board or
newsgroup?
230) Have you ever masturbated to erotic material you read on a computer
bulletin board or newsgroup?
231) Have you ever seen a pornographic GIF?
232) Do you collect pornographic GIFs?
233) Have you ever masturbated to pornographic GIFs?
234) Have you ever gotten turned on by a biology textbook?
235) Have you ever turned someone else on by reading them sections from a
biology textbook?
236) Have you ever tried to pick someone up by asking them 'wanna fuck?'
237) Have you ever tried to pick someone up using a prop (i.e. holding up a
screw and asking 'wanna screw?')
238) Have you ever read a book about how to interact with people in order to get
friends? (come on, now, confess!)
239) Have you ever read a book or computer BBS/newsgroup article to find out
about sexual techniques?
240) Have you ever made love in a chemistry lab?
241) a physics lab?
242) a biology lab?
243) a computer lab?
244) Have you ever picked someone up in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3 while
class was in session?
245) Have you ever petted or made out with someone in one of the labs mentioned
in 240-3 while class was in session?
246) Have you ever made love with somebody in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3
while class was in session?
247) Did you do any of 240-6 and still get your work done in time?
248) Have you ever had an orgasm while performing an experiment or programming a
computer? (NB- this counts if you are waiting for something to happen;
making love while a program is compiling or while a channel selector is
counting photons counts.)
249) Did you do #248 UNAIDED (the sheer excitement caused you to orgasm)?
250) Have you ever offered to help someone out in math, science or computer
science in order to pick them up?
Again much thanks to Lost Boy (smithmc@mentor.cc.purdue.edu)
-= exam humor =-= 9 -
Philosophy professor at the front of the classroom with the following final exam
question written on the blackboard: "How do you plan to make a living with a
philosophy degree?"
-= exam humor =-= 10 -
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course whose
final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and
answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could
write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A. The
professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
-= exam humor =-= 11 -
Final Exams Poem
Now I lay me down to study
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty
If I should fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk
But if I do, don't pity me at all
Just lay my bones in the study hall
Tell my teacher I did my best
Then pile my books upon my chest
Now I lay me down to rest
If I should die before I wake
That's one less test I'll have to take
-= exam humor =-= 12 -
While taking a psychology course in college, the teacher had a habit of
putting the following questions on an exam:
Ask yourself a question and answer it.
Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation
[* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]"
and proceeded to solve it.
The next day, I stopped by the math office to see one of the professors. He
told me, "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych exam"
I got full credit, and the psych professor never put that question on an exam
again.
-= exam humor =-= 13 -
A professor was known for being an easy grader. The grades he gave for a
survey course (i. e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and
not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams was
entirely covered in the textbook. So showing up for class wasn't a big deal.
However, this started to get out of hand. As word of the course spread, at
each semester, there was a larger block of students who would show up
infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days. Finally, it got so bad
that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. On
the day of the midterm, everyone came in and a graduate assistant handed out
exams, "Prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."
There was only one question in the exam booklets: "Which one of the pictures
below is of professor x?"
Obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess.
Many failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got A's.
-= exam humor =-= 14 -
I've no idea how true it is or if it's an Urban Legend. This guy was taking
an exam in Trinity College here (old college, about 400 years old). In the
middle of the exam, he called a proctor and requested his pint of ale. The
proctor, of course, just looked at him.
Our hero then produced a copy of the *old* regulations which stipulated that
a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment. The proctor then reported
to the college officials, who verified the existence of just such a regulation.
The student was granted his one pint of beer ten minutes before the end of the
exam, and kicked back and drank his beer while the other examinees frantically
scrambled to finish the exam.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes in
the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided our man with
his glass of ale, but promptly fined him for not wearing his ceremonial
sword and shield to the examination.
-= exam humor =-= 15 -
This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State University.
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a
gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of
0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the
following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.
-= exam humor =-= 16 -
Freshman Physics And The Burning Question Of Heavy Boots
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics
and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it
will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts were on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was
generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it
right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not
get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent
discriminators; that is, success on these two questions proved to be an
extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score
got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose
answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it
right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group
was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics:
two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had
never studied in the class.
-= exam humor =-= 17 -
Edward Curley, a senior test developer at Educational Testing Service, admitted
to Cox News Service in July of 1994 that coached test takers could answer
reading comprehension questions very well on the Scholastic Aptitude Test
without ever reading the appropriate passages. Curley said that wasn't so bad
becase the test was still measuring reading comprehension, "When they read the
questions, and [read] the wrong answer choices, and [read] the right answer
choice, the students are reading hundreds of words."
================================================================================
== EDUCATION HUMOR =============================================================
-= education humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
-= education humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------
College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.
-= education humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------
College is like a woman. You try real hard to get in; then nine months later,
you wish you had never come.
-= education humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------
Academy: School where football is taught.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
-= education humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------
Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.
-= education humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
-= education humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
-= education humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------
A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - Alfred Kahn
-= education humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok, president of
Harvard
-= education humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------
Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a flame. - Yeates
-= education humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
-= education humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
-= education humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------
One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that
they are getting poorer by degrees.
-= education humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
-= education humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-= education humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
-= education humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------
If there were no schools to take the children away from home...the insane asylum
would be filled with mothers. - Edgar Watson Howe
-= education humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------
You have to regard everything I say with suspicion. I may be trying to bullshit
you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. - J. Wainwright,
Mathematics 140b
-= education humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------
One advantage of being an elementary school teacher as opposed to working as a
high school teacher is that it's easier to get a parking space every morning.
-= education humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found
out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-
vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what
was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived
close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety
of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the
Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the
Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to
the heart of Ozy Froats 0
-= education humor =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------------
Alternative Student Loan Application
While picking up some financial aid forms at one of the universities here in the
Twin Cities, I came across a pamphlet discussing different loan programs, which
also included advertisements for different banks in the area. One of the much
more humorous ones was one for Twin City Federal, which was titled "Get a Degree
Without The Third Degree", followed by a bogus student loan application which
looks something like this:
1st Humongous Bank
Student Loan Application
Name (if any): _______________________________
Middle Last First
Address: _____________________________________
Last 34 addresses: ___________________________
Sex: __ Male __ Female __ Not Sure
Are you an illegal alien? __ Ja __ Si __ Oui __ Da
Annual income: $________
(If over $3,000, where did you get the nerve to beg us for a loan?)
Astrological sign: ____________ (Stop here if you're a Leo or Taurus)
Grandmother's maiden name: ________ Her World War II service record?: ______
Last book you read:
__ The Joy of Saxaphone __ Mad __ Manhattan telephone directory
Your favorite number from 17 to 39: __ (this will be the interest on your loan,
if you're lucky enough to get one from us)
Are you now on the FBI's "Ten Most Wanted" list? __ Yes __ No
In 7,000 words or more, discuss the International Monetary Fund and its
ramifications related to the Chicago White Sox infield and Victorian matters:
(use back side, if needed)
If you miss a payment on your loan, what is your preferred method of torture?
__ The Rack __ Iron Maiden __ A night with Lawrence Welk
Do you like to fill our forms? (We have more when you complete this one)
__ Yes __ Goodbye
Do you secretly like your father's Oldsmobile? __ Yes __ Maybe a little
Do you sleep in: __ Pajamas? __ Underwear? __ Nude?
State your college major. (Must be one of these to qualify for student loan)
__ Swine diseases __ Harpsichord tuning __ History of chewing gum
Do you still believe in:
__ Santa Claus? __ Easter Bunny? __ Professional wrestling?
Are you willing to be polygraphed, scrutinized, notarized, and steroid tested to
obtain a loan from us? __ Absolutely __ Positively __ You betcha __ Sure
__ Of course __ Certainly __ No problem
If all of the above is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
sign here in the presence of 12 witnesses (preferrably Supreme Court Justices
and Nobel Prize winners)
_______________ ________
Signature Date
-= education humor =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------------
My wife is an elementary school music specialist and she pointed this gem out to
me (reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter" (CTA means 'Classroom
Teacher's Association'):
The Lesson
Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him.
He taught them saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom
of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they
who thirst after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed
are they who suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Remember what I am telling you."
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we be tested on it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And the other disciples likewise.
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and
inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept.
-= education humor =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------------
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education
became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be
doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in
the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,
"Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"
-= education humor =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------------
The following wedding announcement appeared in our local newspaper about a year
ago. I think it's kinda funny, but that's probably because I've got an
engineering degree. :-)
Mr. and Mrs. Adam Ledford of Lincolnton announce the engagement and forthcoming
marriage of their daughter, Bridgett Ledford, to John May, both of Boone. Ms.
Ledford is an Appalachian State University graduate with a bachelor of science
degree in communications. She is a pharmacist technician at Boone Drug on
Deerfield road. May is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Tucker of Raleigh. He is
also an ASU graduate and has a bachelor of arts degree in philosophy and
religion. He is employed by Domino's Pizza.
-= education humor =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
-= education humor =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------------
Quotes from Famous Economist:
Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting has to Agriculture.
Sports makes higher education palatable for students who do not belong.
- Veblen
-= education humor =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------------
Seen in a classified ad:
For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds
per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during
Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.
-= education humor =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the
sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing
up there all by yourself."
-= education humor =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------------
A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary
drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class joker in the
front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"
The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I
strongly suspect its parents."
-= education humor =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------------
Student: What's your opinion on the paper I submitted last week?
Professor: It's absolute drivel.
Student: I know, but let's hear it anyway.
-= education humor =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------------
Farting During Class Can Be Dangerous
Jakarta, Indonesia (Reuter) - Fifteen Indonesian schoolgirls drowned Tuesday
after being forced into the water by their teacher as a punishment, according to
news reports Friday.
The Suara Pembaruan daily said surivors said the girls, most aged 13, were
told to enter the Opak River near Yogyakarta, 275 miles east of Jakarta, after
no one admitted who passed gas.
The girls, who could not swim, were on a biology excursion Tuesday. There
were six survivors. Fifteen were swept away by the fast-flowing river.
"At the time, Mr. S.P. was in charge so we were all scared, even though we
actually felt horrified to have to jump into the river," one of the survivors
told Antara news agency.
Local police declined to give details if any action would be taken against
the teacher, identified only by his initials.
-= education humor =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------------
From a conversation overheard a few days ago at the Duke University student
center. Yes, this is real; I'm not clever enough to make up something like this.
A new version of the "my dog ate the homework" excuse for not getting a project
done:
"I told the professor that with the medication I was taking, it wasn't
advisable for me to drive a car, operate heavy machinery, OR FORMAT FLOPPY
DISKS."
-= education humor =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------------
Excuses actually received by teachers at school via notes from home...
from San Francisco Teacher, 1978
Dear School: Please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
May could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school becuz he has an acre in his back.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Lillian was absent from school because she had a going over.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
My son has been under the doctor's care and should not take fizacal ed. Please
execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the
growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend
with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell of a tree and
misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
Mary Ann was absent Dec. 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache
and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat
and fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last
night.
Please Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had dia diah dye - the shits.
Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
-= education humor =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------------
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology at
RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation class,
Fall semester 1991.
They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to reload,
I don't know.
If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective.
As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity.
In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual.
The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent.
Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before.
If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it.
I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management.
She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human.
We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a
necessary assumption, but I find it comforting.
There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific.
There are two universes: for males, and for females.
In the U.S., males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such.
Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping.
Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing.
A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living.
There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant.
Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?
You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy
heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one.
-= education humor =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and
opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill.
The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand,"
he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?"
The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to
reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"
-= education humor =-= 131 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A Georgia school teacher was disciplined because he denied students a moment of
silence. He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need time to think..."Did
I remember to bring ammo...to pick up my free condoms...to drop off the baby at
day care...?"
-= education humor =-= 132 =---------------------------------------------------
Mnemonics To Learn By
Kitty Kingdom
Put Phylum
Catnip Class
on Order
Fido's Family
Ground Genus
Steak Species
King Kingdom
Philip Phylum
Came Class
Over Order
From Family
Green Genus
Scotland Species
Sergeant Superior
Major Michigan
Hates Huron
Eating Erie
Onions Ontario
-= education humor =-= 133 =---------------------------------------------------
Kids' Ideas About Science
From the Boston Globe a few years back:
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams,
and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate
Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from
children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting
hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When
planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is
really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of
so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and, if you don't, why you
should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes
it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions
are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that
is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not
much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop,
it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the
strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
-= education humor =-= 134 =---------------------------------------------------
Strikebound L.A. teachers rejected the school districts latest offer saying it
was copied from a previous offer, contained too many erasures and misspellings,
and was turned in late.
-= education humor =-= 135 =---------------------------------------------------
I was looking through a local paper, the Utah County Journal, when I ran across
an article outlining some of the agreements in a 1923 elementary school
teacher's contract for female teachers teaching in Payson City, Utah (or Payson
hick-town, whichever you prefer :-) ).
1. Teacher is not to get married. This contract becomes null and void if
teacher marries.
2. Teacher is not to keep the company of men.
3. Teacher must be home between the hours of 8 P.M. and 6 A.M. unless in
attendance at a school function.
4. Teacher may not loiter downtown in ice cream parlors.
5. Teacher may not leave town at any time without permission of the Chairman of
the Board of Trustees.
6. Teacher is not to smoke cigarettes or drink wine, beer or whiskey.
7. Teacher may not ride in a carriage with any man except her brother or
father.
8. Teacher is not to dress in bright colors.
9. Teacher may not dye her hair.
10. Teacher will not wear dresses more than two inches above the ankle.
11. Teacher is to wear at least two petticoats.
12. Teacher is to bring a bucket to school to clean and scrub the building every
week.
-= education humor =-= 136 =---------------------------------------------------
Pet Peeves of The World's Youngest College Graduate - 9/7/94
6. College babes always snub him when he asks them out on dates.
5. Stupid parents bought me a skateboard for a graduation present.
4. Roommate's late night parties caused him to miss eight o'clock bedtime.
3. I'm a freakin' college graduate, but they still won't let me on the Space
Mountain ride at DisneyWorld!
2. Having to stand on top of old phone books behind podium in order to make
valedictory address at graduation.
1. People who call him "nerd".
-= education humor =-= 137 =---------------------------------------------------
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation
class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
-= education humor =-= 138 =---------------------------------------------------
Fake Fraternities
Alpha Beta Soup
Alpha Do Me
Eta Pizza Pi
Eta Smegma Pi
I Ata Pi
I Phelta Thi
I Tappa Keg
Iota Eta Theta
Komana Wanna Laya (for a Hawaiian fraternity perhaps?)
Kuppa Kappa Chino
Mu Mu Pi
Pi Rho
Psi Phi
Rho Omega Tau (the letters somewhat look like POT)
Sigma Tau Delta (STD)
Signa Phi Nothing
Tappa Kegga Bru
-= education humor =-= 139 =---------------------------------------------------
One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. This
undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly,
bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally, the undergraduate said,
"Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me.
It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing
tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help
session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
-= education humor =-= 140 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A young San Jose man has filed a $940,000 claim against the University of Idaho.
He was hurt when he mooned other students and fell out of the window. He claims
that the University was negligent for, among other failings, not warning
students of the risks associated with upper-story dorm windows. Surely, there
must be something in the student handbook about gravity and open windows...right
next to the warning about blow dryers in the bathtub.
-= education humor =-= 141 =---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
-= education humor =-= 142 =---------------------------------------------------
This is a true story. Happened in my freshman year (1961) at Michigan State
University.
In a huge lecture class (400+ students) of Psych 101, the professor took great
pains each class period to read the text to the class (guess who wrote it). One
young lady took a seat in the front row of the auditorium right in front of the
podium and each day indulged in knitting while the prof read the text, growing
increasingly irritated at the coed who was not taking notes, but instead,
knitting. After about five weeks, the professor leaned over from the stage and
said (not too quietly) to the young lady, "Miss, are you aware that Freud
considered knitting a form of masturbation?"
To which the young lady looked up from her knitting and retorted, "Professor,
you do it your way and I'll do it mine."
-= education humor =-= 143 =---------------------------------------------------
An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly
examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on
their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept
writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to
turn it in.
The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in...
you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the
United States...you get a zero on this exam"
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea
who I am???"
The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!", plunged his exam into the middle of the
stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination
room!
-= education humor =-= 144 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
70% of big city schools now have metal detectors. This is a great idea. Now
they can tell if a student has really been shot or if they're just faking it to
get out of a test.
-= education humor =-= 145 =---------------------------------------------------
The other night, my fellow grad students and I were contemplating the origins
of graduate school...and we think we found the answer. It was the communists.
Think about it, was there any such institution a hundred years ago? Sure, there
were places people could study after they had completed their university
studies, but I believe they were called fellowships and were usually by
invitation.
Until the Revolution. Suddenly, there were all these people who were unable
to plow a straight line, had no hand/eye coordination, and couldn't hit a target
standing next to it, excluding them from farming, industry, and military duties.
So, what to do with these people? Might as well give them more time in school
and make them professionals.
We also figured out that the first school started was psychology. Our
thinking was that the commissars were thinking...hmmm, we could start a program
in physics, so we could figure out how to blow things up, but look at
psychology. They ring a bell and get dogs to drool. Interesting.
Grad school, such as it is, is nothing more than a plot to keep smart people
out of the work force for another two to seven years.
- David Christian, 1st year grad student in experimental psychology
-= education humor =-= 146 =---------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was taking a low-level "catch up" math class at Indiana
University that was being taught by a foreign professor (Indian, I believe) who
had a tough time with English. One day, they were going over probability and the
professor asked the class the usual questions like, "If you roll a die, what is
the probability that 6 will come up?"
Then he asked, "If you flip a coin, what are the chances you will get head?"
The class sat in stunned silence until a coed in the back said, "Depends on
how much the coin is worth..." Everyone lost it and started howling with
laughter.
The poor professor had no idea how he had misspoken, but recovered nicely by
continuing with, "Here is another example you may find amusing. If a roulette
wheel has..."
-= education humor =-= 147 =---------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press news bulletin:
Clarence Notree, a Chicago gym teacher, reacted to a gunman shooting at his
students by herding the stunned children out a door to safety, but was himself
hit in the hand. After a hearing, the Illinois Industrial Commission awarded
the 19-year veteran $13,447 in Worker's Compensation for his injury. But the
Chicago Board of Education appealed the ruling, saying that saving the
children's lives was not part of a physical education teacher's job. After an
outcry, the Board agreed to approve the claim.
-= education humor =-= 148 =---------------------------------------------------
12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School
1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. The real world won't care as much about your self esteem as your school
does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about
yourself. This may come as a shock.
3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
6. It is not your parents' fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible.
7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you
tell them how idealistic you are.
8. Life is not divided into semesters. You won't get summers off.
9. Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a moron.
10. You are not immortal.
11. Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.
12. Enjoy this while you can.
-= education humor =-= 149 =---------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the NEDOD motorcycling list:
A woman reported that one of her professors was talking about the Internet in
class. Seems he had a copy of something called "The Internet Yellow Pages" and
was showing the class examples of what were good and bad on the Net. He went to
the entry for ASB (alt.sex.bondage) and said "Stay away from this one, as you
probably wouldn't want to meet any of these people."
Before she could think about it, her automatic defense mechanisms forced the
woman to blurt out "That's not true. You meet some very intelligent and
interesting people there".
Silence filled the classroom as 25 pairs of eyes stared at her...
I swear this is true (or, at least she claimed it was true!).
-= education humor =-= 150 =---------------------------------------------------
Resume Rejection Reply Form Letter
The following is a great "Dead Letter" received from Gengying Gao (via
NutWorks). This will be particularly useful for those of you that will be
submitting job applications to college departments. With a little creative
editing, we are sure you'll have no problem replying to your resume reject
letters as well...
[your name]
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THE END
