Words an employer may use!!
- "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
- "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under$7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
- "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
- "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't
be a profit.
- "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
- "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to
introduce yourself to your coworkers.
- "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago,
but we haven't done anything innovative since.
- "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a
month ago. We're just now running the ad.
- "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your
first commission cheque.
- "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
- "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a
$500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
- "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your
own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
contribution.
- "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
- "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
- "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore
you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink
with them.
- "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
- "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your
first day.
- "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and
get us out of it.
- "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
- "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
- "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
- "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs,
that is.
- "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
- "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
- "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just
a legal formality.
- "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
- "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
- "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
- "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure
out what they want and do.
- "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
- "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.
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