Rhymes
-= rhymes =-= 1
The Rose
. .
... :``..': Some say love it is the river
: ````.' :''::' that drowns the tender reed.
..:.. : .'' : Some say love it is a razor
``. `: .' : that leaves your soul to bleed.
: : : : Some say love it is a hunger
: : : : an endless aching need.
: : : : I say love it is a flower
: : :..''''``::. and you, its only seed.
: ...:..' .''
.' .' .::::' It's the heart afraid of breaking
:..'''``::::::: that never learns to dance.
' `:::: It's the dream afraid of waking
`::. that never takes the chance.
`:: It's the one who won't be taken
:::. who cannot seem to give,
..:```.:'`. ::'`. and the soul afraid of dying
..' `:.: :: that never learns to live.
.: .:``:::
.: ..'' ::: When the night has been too lonely
: .'' :: and the road has been too long,
: :: and you think that love is only
: for the lucky and the strong,
: just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love in the spring
becomes the rose.....
.-~~-.--.
: )
.~ ~ -.\ /.- ~~ .
> `. .' <
( .- -. )
`- -.-~ `- -' ~-.- -'
( : ) _ _ .-:
~--. : .--~ .-~ .-~ }
~-.-^-.-~ \_ .~ .-~ .~
\ \' \ '_ _ -~
`.`. //
. - ~ ~-.__`.`-.//
.-~ . - ~ }~ ~ ~-.~-.
.' .-~ .-~ :/~-.~-./:
/_~_ _ . - ~ ~-.~-._
~-.<
-= rhymes =-= 2
Love is
Slapping the other person
when they get too happy
being sad when the person
is too happy
being together in good times
and seeing them deteriorate into bad times
Love is the source of control
Love is
being honest with yourself at all times...
unless it isn't convenient
being honest with the other person at all times...
unless it isn't convenient
avoiding, twisting, abusing the truth,
and never pretending
Love is the source of confusion
Love is
an sense of despair so complete that
you wish you were apart from the other person
accepting the other person just the way they are...
well, after just a few little changes.
Love is the source of discord
Love is
the freedom to pursue your own desires
regardless of how that affects the other person.
the growth of one individual
at the expense of the other individual
Love is ever striving, vainly, for success...
Love is
the excitement of arguing over what to do together
the disappointment of never being allowed to 'win'
Love is the source of the fracture
Love is
the fury of your family
the calm in our bedroom
Love is the source of passion
If only it would happen at home...
Love is
giving and taking in a daily situation...
I give; you take
being patient with each other's needs and desires
For *one* of us, anyhow.
Love is the source of unmet needs
Love is
knowing that the other person
will always belittle you regardless of who's right
missing the other person when they are away
because there's no one to fight
Love is the source of insecurity
Love is the source of all troubles
-= rhymes =-= 3
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
-= rhymes =-= 4
Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips
Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there
Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries
Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet
The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out
-= rhymes =-= 5
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
which to some may seem rabelaisian;
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V...
The result, Q.E.D.
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-= rhymes =-= 6
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
-= rhymes =-= 7
Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock.
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And kicked the bitch out at the next block.
-= rhymes =-= 8
Three blind mice,
See how they run.
Where the fuck are they going?
-= rhymes =-= 9
Georgey porgey, puddin' and pie,
Jerked off in his girlfriend eye.
And when that eye was dried and shut,
Georgey fucked that one-eyed slut.
-= rhymes =-= 10
Little Boy Blew
Hey! He needed the money.
-= rhymes =-= 11
Letitia has a large one, and so has cousin Luce.
Eliza has a small one, though large enough for use.
Beneath a soft and glossy curl, each Lass has one in front.
To find it in an animal, you at the tail must hunt.
Hermaphrodites have none; Mermaids are minus too.
Nell Gwynn possessed a double share, if books we read are true.
It's used by all in Nuptial Bliss, in Carnal Pleasures found.
Destroy it, Life becomes extinct, the world is but a sound.
Lasciviousness here has its sources, Harlots its use apply.
Without it, Lust has never been, and even Love would die.
Now tell me what this wonder is, but pause before you guess it.
If you are mother, maid, or man, I swear you don't possess it.
-= rhymes =-= 12
A poem by Ogden Nash:
The centipede was happy quite
Until a toad, in fun,
Said, "Pray, which leg goes after which
When you begin to run?
That worked her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in a ditch,
Considering how to run.
-= rhymes =-= 13
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 14
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
-= rhymes =-= 15
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
-= rhymes =-= 16
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 17
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have another daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 18
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill!
So now they have a son.
-= rhymes =-= 19
Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack Jill and Andy
-= rhymes =-= 20
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said,
"Where's the beef!"
-= rhymes =-= 21
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
-= rhymes =-= 22
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Both carrying a bucket.
When Jill bent down
Her ass was round
And Jack decided to read a good book :)
-= rhymes =-= 23
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky
Jill came back
With a very sore crack
Jack must have been a Yankee
-= rhymes =-= 24
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
The fuckin' whore!
-= rhymes =-= 25
Jack and Jill went up the hill
On an elephant.
Jill got down and helped
Jack off the elephant.
-= rhymes =-= 26
Mary had a little sheep.
It went to bed with her to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!
-= rhymes =-= 27
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.
-= rhymes =-= 28
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as soot.
And everywhere that Mary went,
Its sooty foot it put.
-= rhymes =-= 29
Mary had a little lamb
And it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five-bar gate
And kicked its little cunt in.
-= rhymes =-= 30
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it was quite silly.
She threw it up into the air,
And caught it by its ...
Willy was a watch dog,
Lying on the grass.
Down came a bumble bee,
And bit him on the ...
Asssssk no questions,
Tell no lies,
I saw a policeman,
Doing up his ...
Flies are bad,
Mosquitos are worse,
And this is the end of my silly little verse.
-= rhymes =-= 31
Mary had a kitten.
Tommy had a pup.
Alfonzo had a crocodile
That ate the others up!
-= rhymes =-= 32
Mary had a little lamb,
A pizza and some prunes,
A piece of pie, a glass of milk, and then some maccaroons.
It made the waiters happy to see her order so
And when they carried Mary out, her face was white as snow!
-= rhymes =-= 33
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And every where that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
-= rhymes =-= 34
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
And turned it's wool to nylon.
-= rhymes =-= 35
Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
-= rhymes =-= 36
Mary had a little lamb;
You've heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate;
And had a little more!
-= rhymes =-= 37
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.
-= rhymes =-= 38
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole.
-= rhymes =-= 39
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Gynecologists surrounded.
-= rhymes =-= 40
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was suprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The poor guy nearly died.
-= rhymes =-= 41
Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
-= rhymes =-= 42
Mary had a li'l lamb
Its wool was soft and pink
A big bad wolf came by one day
Now Mary has a mink!
-= rhymes =-= 43
Mary had a li'l lamb
Her father shot it dead
It still goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread!
-= rhymes =-= 44
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was as white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day,
It followed her to school one day,
And a big black dog fucked it!
-= rhymes =-= 45
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do."
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock.
-= rhymes =-= 46
Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Hey, what happened to your cherry?"
-= rhymes =-= 47
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her
So she ate that too.
-= rhymes =-= 48
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "Hey! What's in the bowl, bitch!"
-= rhymes =-= 49
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
That crawled up inside her,
So she beat it to death with her spoon.
-= rhymes =-= 50
Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
-= rhymes =-= 51
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick
And burnt his balls.
-= rhymes =-= 52
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she got there,
The cupboard was bare.
So she went out and got him a pizza.
But when she bent over
To feed her poor Rover,
He gave her a bone of his own.
-= rhymes =-= 53
Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when old mother bent over,
Rover drove her, because
Rover had a bone of his own.
-= rhymes =-= 54
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter I guess.
-= rhymes =-= 55
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Had one fucking big omelet.
-= rhymes =-= 56
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had an exothermic fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't reverse the entropy trend.
-= rhymes =-= 57
Solomon Grundy,
Born on Monday,
Christened on Tuesday,
Married on Wednesday,
Took ill on Thursday,
Worse on Friday,
Died on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday.
This is the end of Solomon Grundy.
-= rhymes =-= 58
Canadian Navy Cadence Song
Up popped the griffen from the coconut grove.
He's a mean mother fucker, you could tell by his clothes.
He's got a two button beany and a four button stitch.
He's a cock sucking, mother fucking son of a bitch.
Well he ran through the jungle with his cock in his hand.
Saying, "Mean mother fucker, I'm the king of this land."
He chased this broad up a coconut tree,
And she said, "Ooh Gee Baby ! Let me be !"
So he lined up a hundred broads against the wall.
For a two dollar bet he fucked them all.
Fucked ninety-eight till his cock turned blue,
Wacked off, sucked off, screwed the other two.
When he died, he went straight to hell.
Fucked the devil's wife and his daughter as well.
And on his tomb stone written in green,
Here lies the human fuckin' machine.
(the ending below is sung to tune of "Shave and a haircut... Two bits !")
- Sung by the whorehouse... quartet
Do you have a hard-on... not yet.
Don't l-e-t... it... sag !
-= rhymes =-= 59
The bank sent our statement this morning.
The sheet was a sight of great awe.
It figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
-= rhymes =-= 60
I remember it well, it was my favourite spot...
I've squeezed pimples by the hundred
Ruptured pustules by the score;
I've milked my face until it bled
And still I crave for more.
My nose-crease yields spaghetti
I've blackheads round my ears,
I've cultivated some of them
For nigh on twenty years.
Take pity on unblemished folk
Who'll never know the bliss
Of splattering a mirror
With pus the hue of piss
Rejoice in your eruptions!
They've done alright by me
For squeezing them can be more fun
Than watching your TV.
-= rhymes =-= 61
Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
To see her shining in the dark.
-= rhymes =-= 62
Little Willie with a thirst for gore
Nailed his mommy's baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
Willie dear, don't spoil the paint.
-= rhymes =-= 63
Willie was thirsty in chemistry,
But now he is nevermore.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4!
-= rhymes =-= 64
Willie thought that life was a bore,
So he drank some H2SO4.
But his dad was an M.D.
Who gave him some CaCO3.
Now Willie's neutralized, it's true,
But he's also full of CO2!
-= rhymes =-= 65
Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"
-= rhymes =-= 66
Willie found some dynamite,
Cut the fuse off, lit the wick.
Curiosity never pays.
It rained Willie several days.
-= rhymes =-= 67
Little Willie, wrapped in sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes.
Now the house grows damp and chilly,
Because we haven't the heart to poke poor Willie.
-= rhymes =-= 68
Little Willie, with a shout,
Gouged his brother's eyeballs out.
Stomped on them to make them pop.
Mother said, "Now Willie, stop."
-= rhymes =-= 69
Little Willie took a rocket,
Put it in his father's pocket.
Then he said to cousin Dan,
"Daddy is a traveling man."
-= rhymes =-= 70
Little Willie found a mirror,
Went and sucked the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error,
It would cure his whooping cough.
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."
-= rhymes =-= 71
Little Willie, home from school,
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule,
Said, "If I eat all this cake,
Sis won't get a stomach ache."
-= rhymes =-= 72
Little Willie,
Brand new skates
Hole in ice
Pearly gates
-= rhymes =-= 73
Willie bashed open baby's head
To see if brains are gray or red
What a naughty boy is he
He shall have no jam for tea.
-= rhymes =-= 74
Willie poisoned Auntie's tea
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed.
"Really, Will," he said, "what next?"
-= rhymes =-= 75
Little Willie, mean as hell
Drowned his sister in the well.
Mother said, while drawing water,
"Gee, it's hard to raise a daughter."
-= rhymes =-= 76
Little Willie at a passing gent
Threw a batch of fresh cement.
Then he said, "Wait until you dry!
Then you'll be a real hard guy!"
-= rhymes =-= 77
Little Willie on his bike
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk;
She will live, but still can't talk.
-= rhymes =-= 78
Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"
-= rhymes =-= 79
Willie in the cauldron fell;
See the grief on mother's brow!
Mother loved her Darling well,
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.
-= rhymes =-= 80
Willie's cute as cute can be.
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now brother's simply out of sight.
-= rhymes =-= 81
Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister up for bait.
We miss her when it's time to dine,
But Willie's fish taste simply fine.
-= rhymes =-= 82
Willie's on the railroad track
The engine gave a squeal.
The engineer just took a spade,
And scraped him off the wheel.
-= rhymes =-= 83
When I die, I want to go peacefully.
In my sleep.
Like my grandfather.
Not screaming,
Like the passengers in his car.
-= rhymes =-= 84
The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup...the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you my friend, may kiss my ass.
-= rhymes =-= 85
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
A discouraging word,
After all, just what can an antelope say?
-= rhymes =-= 86
To market, to market
To buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again
Jiggity jig.
To market, to market
To buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again
Jiggity jog.
To market, to market
To buy a shot gun,
Bangity, Bangity
Market's all done.
-= rhymes =-= 87
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
-= rhymes =-= 88
My Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks for my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this pome rite threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in its weigh --
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze ewe lodes of thyme.
It helps me right, awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be made to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sew ewe can sea why eye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea sees.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.
-= rhymes =-= 89
Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird,
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring don't shine,
Daddy's gonna buy you a silver mine,
And if that silver mine caves in,
Daddy's gonna buy you a violin.
And if that violin don't play,
Daddy's gonna buy you RCA,
And if RCA goes broke,
Daddy's gonna buy you an artichoke.
And if that artichoke goes rotten,
Daddy's gonna buy you the tomb of Akhenaten,
And if the tomb of Akhenaten's not for sale,
Daddy's gonna buy you a great blue whale.
And if that great blue whale's extinct,
Daddy's gonna buy you a wig that's kinked,
And if that wig that's kinked is too ratty,
Daddy's gonna buy you a '31 Bugatti.
And if that '31 Bugatti won't run,
Daddy's gonna buy you Attila the Hun,
And if Attila waxes wroth,
Daddy's gonna buy you a three-toed sloth.
And if that three-toed sloth's a bore,
Daddy's gonna buy you the Koh-i-noor,
And if the Koh-i-noor is flawed,
Daddy's gonna buy you a lightning rod.
And if that lightning rod's too shocking,
Daddy's gonna buy you a body stocking,
And if that body stocking is inappropriate,
Daddy's gonna buy you a mild opiate.
And if the cops haul Daddy in,
Momma's gonna buy you a rabbit skin,
For to wrap my baby dumpling in!
-= rhymes =-= 90
A man's occupation
Is to stick his cockulation
Up the woman's ventilation
To increase the population
Of the coming generation
-= rhymes =-= 91
Roses are violet
Reds are blue
I'm a dyslexic
And stuff too you
-= rhymes =-= 92
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
-= rhymes =-= 93
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
-= rhymes =-= 94
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I'm amnesiac,
And ...
-= rhymes =-= 95
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they tell me
Because I'm blind.
-= rhymes =-= 96
Roses are red
Violets are for plucking
Girls out of high school
Are ready for college
-= rhymes =-= 97
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fucked your mother in the ass
And she had you
-= rhymes =-= 98
If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government.
-= rhymes =-= 99
The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenit=E9, a.k.a. "Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say said, pay - paid, laid, but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Exiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Thames, examining, combining
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.
From "desire": desirable, admirable from "admire."
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.
Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,
One, anemone. Balmoral.
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,
Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Scene, Melpomene, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois - leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with "darky."
Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's O.K.,
When you say correctly: croquet.
Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live,
Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover,
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police, and lice.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."
But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,
Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
And enamour rime with hammer.
Pussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rime with anger.
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
And then: singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite, and unite.
Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific,
Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
Say aver, but ever, fever.
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess - it is not safe:
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice and device, and eyrie,
Face but preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,
Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Do not rime with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation - think of psyche!
Is a paling, stout and spikey,
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict!
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
My advice is - give it up!
-= rhymes =-= 100
Someday
I "wanta" stay in bed
Dad says I "have ta" get up and wash my head
I "wanta" go out and play
Mom says I "have ta" eat breakfast to start the day
I "wanta" play in the pool
Dad says I "have ta" go to school
I "wanta" go to the stores
Mom says I "have ta" stay indoors
I "wanta" just munch
Dad says I "have ta" eat a full lunch
I "wanta" go out and play with my bat
Mom says I "have ta" take a nap
I "wanta" play with my baby nurse
Dad says I "have ta" clean my room first
I "wanta" stay out a little longer, no big deal
Mom says I "have ta" come in and eat my evening meal
I "wanta" go play in the park
DAd says I "have ta" stay in because it's dark
I "wanta" run the computer to do some math
Mom says I "have ta" take my bath
I "wanta" stay up and play with my doll kate
Dad says I "have ta" go to bed that's it too late
Someday, someday, if I don't go insane
What I "wanta" do and what I "have ta" do will be the same
-= rhymes =-= 101
Le Jaseroque
Il brilgue; les toves lubricilleux
Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave,
Enmimes sont les gougebosqueux,
Et le momerade horgrave.
Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils!
La gueule qui mord; la griffe qui prend!
Garde-toi de l'oiseau Jube, evite
Le frumieux Band-a-prend.
- first 2 stanzas of the translation by Frank L. Warrin of Lewis Carroll's
"The Jabberwocky", "The New Yorker", January 10, 1931
-= rhymes =-= 102
"My lips are red," the lady said
"I'd like for you to look
Not the ones upon my face,
The ones within my nook."
"Any pain?" the doctor asked.
"Any rash or swell?"
"Not a thing," she said to him,
Yet something is not well.
With trusty mirror in my hand,
Upon the folds I gazed.
Through the tangled matted hair,
The labial lips I raised.
What a sight to greet my eye!
What a lovely thing to see!
Flaming red, the tissues were
(Or so they seemed to me)
"Let us have a look," he said.
"Open wide the door."
She opened up the pearly gates
And bared the pelvic floor.
"There's nothing here that I can see
To cause you pain and strife.
My advice to you," he said,
"Is, Lady, get a life!"
-= rhymes =-= 103
The sun was shining brightly,
And I could hardly wait,
To ponder at my window,
And gaze at my estate.
My eyes fell on a little bird,
With a lovely yellow bill.
I beckoned him to come and sit,
Upon my window sill.
I smiled at him most cheerfully,
And gave him a crust of bread.
Then I quickly closed the window,
And crushed his fucking head!
-= rhymes =-= 104
I was strollin' through the park one day,
In the merry merry month of May.
Looked up in a tree, and what did I see?
A god damned monkey trying to piss on me!
I picked up a rock
And hit him in the crock,
The god damned monkey did a belly flop.
I got out my gun
And shot him in the balls,
And now I've got the damn monkey up on the wall!
-= rhymes =-= 105
Ode To Sunrise
Dawn breaks sky
Waves break shore
Birdcalls break silence
Fish breaks water
I break wind
-= rhymes =-= 106
Have you ever seen Sally McWhorter,
She pisses a mightiful stream;
She pisses a mile and a quarter,
And you can't see her ass for the steam.
-= rhymes =-= 107
To err is human, to forgive divine.
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
-= rhymes =-= 108
Here is to the women in the red shoes.
She drinks our liqueur, she drinks our booze.
She has no cherry, but that is no sin.
She still has the box that it came in.
-= rhymes =-= 109
The Ballad Of Eskimo Nell
When a man grows old, and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
When it's bent in the middle, like a one-stringed fiddle,
He can tell a yarn or two.
So find me a seat, and buy me a beer,
And a tale to you I'll tell,
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete,
And gentle Eskimo Nell.
Now when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's usually Dick who wields the prick
And Mexico Pete the gun.
And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
Tis always a cunt that bears the brunt,
So the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Had been hunting in Dead-mans Creek,
And they had no luck, in the way of a fuck,
For nigh on half a week.
Just a Moose or two, or a Caribou,
Or a Bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick with his tingly prick,
His fucking was mighty slow.
So do or dare, this horny pair
Set out for the Rio Grandee,
Dead-eye Dick with his muscular prick,
And Pete with gun in hand.
They blazed a randy trail,
That no man in their path withstood,
And many a bride, who was hubby's pride,
Knew pregnant widowhood.
They made the strand on the Rio Grandee
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.
As swing doors opened wide
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fucks with me."
Now they'd heard of the prick called Dead-eye Dick
From the Horn to Panama
And with nothing worst than a muttered curse
Those cowhands sought the bar.
The woman knew his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grandee,
And forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the finger of Mexico Pete
Twitch on the trigger grip,
T'was death to wait, at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
As forty arses were bared to view,
And likewise, forty cunts.
Now forty arses and forty cunts,
You'll see if you use your wits,
And rattle a bit of arithmetic,
That's likewise eighty tits.
Now eighty tits is a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand,
They may be rare in Berkeley square,
But not on the Rio Grandee.
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done to taste the fun,
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
So he backed and took a run,
He makes a dart at the nearest tart,
And scores a bull in one.
He bore her to the sandy floor
And fucked her deep and fine,
And though she grinned it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He's got no time to spare,
For speed and strength, combined with length
He fairly singes hair.
Our Dead-eyed Dick, he fucks 'em quick,
So flinging the first aside,
He makes a grin at the second quim,
When the swing doors open wide.
And into the den of sin and vice,
Into harlots hell,
Strode a gentile maid who was unafraid,
And her name was Eskimo Nell.
Our Dead-eye Dick who fucks 'em quick
Was well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell lets out a yell,
And says to him -"Hey ,you!
The hefty lout, he turned about,
Both face and knob were red,
With a single flick of his mighty prick,
The tart flew over his head.
But Eskimo Nell, she stood it well,
And looked him in the eyes,
With utmost scorn, she eyed the horn
That rose from his hairy thighs.
She blew a puff from her cigarette,
Onto his steaming knob;
So utterly beat was Mexico Pete,
He forgot to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell,
In accent calm and cool -
"You cunt struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp,
Do you call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can take that down ,"
She sneered to the cowering whores .
"there's one little cunt that can do that stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She shed her garments one by one,
With an air of conscious pride,
Til at last she stood, in womanhood,
And they saw the great divide.
She laid right down on the table top,
Where someone had left a glass,
With a twitch of her twits, she crushed it to bits,
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She bent her knees, with supple ease,
And opened her legs apart,
With a final nod to the randy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick with his king of a prick,
Prepares to take his time,
For a girl like this was fucking bliss,
So he staged a pantomime.
He winked his arsehole in and out,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like granite knobs,
On top of a garden gate.
He rubbed his foreskin up and down,
His knob increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick,
And almost reached his eyes.
He polished the rod with rum and gob,
To make it steaming hot,
And to finish the job, he sprinkled the knob,
With a cayenne pepper pot.
He didn't back to take a run,
Nor yet a flying leap,
But bent right down and came alongside,
With a steady forward creep.
Then he took a sight, as a gunman might,
Along his mighty tool,
And shoved his lust, with a dexterous thrust -
Firm, calculated and cool.
If you've seen the pistons,
Of the giant C.P.R,
With the pushing force of a thousand horse,
You know what pistons are.
Or you think you do, but you've yet to learn,
The awe-inspiring trick,
Of work that's done on a non-stop run,
By a man like Dead-eye Dick.
But Eskimo Nell was an infidel,
She equalled a whole harem,
With the strength of ten in her abdomen,
And her rock of ages beam.
Amidships she could stand the rush,
Like the flush of a water closet,
So she grasped his cock like the Chatswood lock
On the National safe deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers.
He had a mind, to grind and grind,
For a couple of solid hours.
She lay for a while, with a subtle smile,
While the grip of her cunt grew keener,
Then giving a sigh, she sucked him dry,
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
She performed this feat in a way so neat,
As to set a complete defiance,
The primary cause and basic laws,
That govern sexual science.
He calmly rode through the phallic code,
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rule of the classic school,
In a moment or two went west.
And now my friend, we draw an end,
Of this copulating epic,
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick,
And akin to anesthetic
He slipped to the floor and knew no more,
His passion extinct and dead,
He didn't shout as his tool came out,
It was stripped down to a thread.
Mexico Pete, he sprang to his feet,
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a fearful jolt, he drew his Colt,
And rammed it up her cunt.
He shoved it up to the trigger grip,
And fired twice times three,
But to his surprise, she rolled her eyes,
And smiled in ecstasy.
She leaped to her feet, with a smile so sweet -
"Bully !" she said, " for you,
Though I might have guessed it's about the best,
You phoney lechers do."
When next your friend and you intend,
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick,
And get your self a bun.
I'm going back to the frozen north,
To the land where spunk is spunk,
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a sol id frozen chunk.
Back to the land where they understand,
What it is to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed,
And infants copulate.
Back to the land of the mighty stand,
Where the nights are six months long,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.
They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail,
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold french letters are sold,
Wrapped in a ball of snow.
In the valley of death, with bated breath,
It's where we sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle, in sexual battle,
And the mouldering corpses screw.
A verse of appreciation.
When a man grows old, and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he's fucked, wouldn't you?
The end.
-= rhymes =-= 110
O what a luxury it be
How exquisite, what perfect bliss
So ordinary and yet chic
To pee to piss to take a leak
To feel your bladder just go free
And open up the Mighty Miss
And all your cares float down the creek
To pee to piss to take a leak
For gentlemen of great physique
Who can hold water for one week
For ladies who one-quarter cup
Of tea can fill completely up
For folks in urinalysis
For Viennese and Greek and Swiss
For little kids just learning this
For everyone it's pretty great
To urinate
Of course for men it's much more grand
Women sit or squat
We stand
And hold the fellow in our hand
And proudly watch the mighty arc
Adjust the range and make our mark
On stones or posts for rival men
To smell and not come back again
Women are so circumspect
But men can piss to great effect
With terrible hydraulic force
Can make a stream or change its course
Can put out fires or cigarettes
And sometimes
Laying down our bets
Late at night outside the
Bars
We like to aim up at the stars.
-= rhymes =-= 111
An accusation I always hated,
Is "You're a couch potato!"
That it was false, I never doubted,
Until the day I noticed I'd sprouted.
-= rhymes =-= 112
Hamlet (Condensed to three minutes)
by Adam MacNaughton.
(as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)
There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"
So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
Till a troupe of traveling actors like seven eighty four
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.
-= rhymes =-= 113
Reincarnation
By Wallace McCray
Cowboy Poet, Billings, MT
"What is reincarnation?" the cowboy asked his friend.
"It starts," his old pard told him, "when your life comes to an end.
They comb your hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails,
And they put you in a padded box, away from life's travails."
"Now the box and you goes down in a hole that's been dug in the ground,
And reincarnation set in when you're planted beneath that mound.
The clods melts down just like the box and you who is inside,
And that's when you're beginnin' your transformation ride."
"Now in awhile the grass may grow upon your rendered mound,
Until someday upon that spot a lowly flower is found.
And then a hoss may wander by and graze upon that flower,
That once was you but now's become your vegetative bower."
"Now the flower that the hoss done et, along with his other feed,
Makes bone and fat and muscle essential to the steed.
But there's a part that he can't use, and so it passes through,
And there it lies upon the ground, this thing that once was you."
"And if perchance I should pass by and see this on the ground,
I'll stop awhile and ponder at this object that I've found.
And I'll think about reincarnation and life and death and such,
And I'll come away concludin', you ain't changed all that much.
-= rhymes =-= 114
The Best Line Yet
In Stamford, at the edge of town, a giant statue stands:
An iron eagle sternly clasps the crag with crooked hands.
His pedestal is twenty feet, full thirty feet is he.
His head alone weighs many times as much as you or me.
All day, all night he keeps his watch and never stirs a feather.
His frowning brow glares straight ahead into the foulest weather.
They say this noble bird will spread his iron wings and fly
The day a virgin graduates from Stamford Senior High.
O, evil day when he shall rise above the peaceful town,
Endanger airplanes, frighten children, drop foul tonnage down!
So let not this accipiter desert his silent vigil,
But yield to me my darling, Stamford's finest, Susan Kitchell.
- Edward Allen
-= rhymes =-= 115
Did you ever think as a hearse goes by
That you may be the next to die?
They dress you up in a new clean shirt
And soon they'll cover you up with dirt.
They wrap you up in a clean white sheet
And bury you in the ground six feet.
And all goes well for about a week,
Until your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out,
In your stomach and out your snout,
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
They eat your coat, they eat your hat,
They go in skinny and come out fat.
Your liver turns a moldy green,
Your guts pop out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread;
Because that's what you eat when you are dead.
Your eyes fall out and your teeth decay,
And that's the end of a perfect day.
So don't you laugh when the hearse goes by
Because you might be the next to die.
-= rhymes =-= 116
Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Itsy bitsy birdie's feet
French fried eyeballs
Rolling down a dirty street
Regurgitate, regurgitate
Throw up everything you ate!
-= rhymes =-= 117
From Monty Python:
"A Port Shoem" by the Speverend Rooner
I've a Gouse and Harden in the country,
An ace I call my plown,
A treat I can replace to,
When I beed to nee alone,
Catterfly and butterpillar
Berch on peefy lough
And I listen to the dats and cogs
As they mark and they biaow.
Yes wature here is nunderful
There is no weed for nords
While silling by my windowflutter
Biny little tirds.
-= rhymes =-= 118
Diarrhea
Diarrhea, diarrhea!
Ughh, ughh!
Diarrhea, diarrhea!
Ughh, ughh!
Some people think it's funny,
But it's really green and runny!
-= rhymes =-= 119
Diarrhea
By a Northern Michigan comedy band called "Da Yoopers"
I know it's getting late and I know we had a date Lucia
I hate to make you wait cause it would be so great to see ya
Tears fall from my eyes and I must apologize Lucia
I'll have to stay at home so I called you on the phone
Cause I'm stuck here on the throne with diarrhea.
I thought it was only gas
So I went and let one pass
Then I stood there in a trance
As I filled my brand new pants
My mother brought me soup but it only made me poop Lucia
I never should have ate but it sounded like a great idea
You know it really hurts when you got the hershey squirts Lucia
There's no paper to be seen so I used people magazine
And it makes me want to scream diarrhea
I love you dear with all my hear
But I can't go out with liquid farts
I wouldn't have to break you date
If only I could constipate
I know you got the hots but I really got the trots Lucia
There's no need to scream and shout
Cause tomorrow we'll go out I guarantee ya
I know you need your man so I came up with a plan Lucia
I'll take a cork and super glue pound it in there with my shoe
And then I'll be all through with diarrhea.
-= rhymes =-= 120
Diarrhea, diarrhea
No pain no strain
Just let it drain
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Not green nor blue
Just sloppy poo
-= rhymes =-= 121
When I was young, I had no sense.
I took a girl behind a fence.
I gave her a shilling,
And she was willing.
I gave her a pound,
And she lay on the ground.
I tickled her back,
And she opened her crack,
And that's where I stuck my Union Jack!
-= rhymes =-= 122
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think!
Some thinkle peep I'm under
The alkafluence of inkahol,
But who damns a give?
I've got all day sober to Monday up
It's just the drunker I sit here,
The longer I get!
-= rhymes =-= 123
My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car
Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the sun kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer
Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door
I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said "I've never seen one big as that."
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild."
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer
-= rhymes =-= 124
May the bleeding piles possess you and adorn your bloody feet,
May crabs the size of horse turds crawl up your legs to eat.
And when you're old and feeble, and nothing but a bloody wreck,
May your head fall through your asshole, and break your fucking neck!
-= rhymes =-= 125
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-= rhymes =-= 126
One bright day
In the middle of the night
Two dead mean
Got up to fight
Back to back
They faced each other
Drawed their swords
And shot each other
If you don't believe
This lie is true
Ask the blind man
He saw it too.
-= rhymes =-= 127
All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made them all.
- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-= rhymes =-= 128
Clone Of My Own
(sung to the tune of "Home On The Range")
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
- Randall Garrett
-= rhymes =-= 129
Clone Of My Own
(sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad, I'm dead!
-= rhymes =-= 130
Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
And doffed her miniskirt.
"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!
One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that melt, the claws that catch!
The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!
And went galumphing back.
He took his venerable staff in hand:
"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he
Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree
He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-= rhymes =-= 131
I was born about ten thousand years ago,
And there ain't nothing I don't know.
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses,
And I'll whip anyone who says it isn't so!
I saw Satan when he looked the garden o'er,
I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door.
From behind the bushes I was peeping
Saw the apple they were eating,
And I'll swear I was the one who ate the CORE!
I taught Samson how to use his mighty hands,
Showed Columbus how to reach this happy land.
And for Pharaoh's little kiddies,
I built all the pyramides,
And to the Sahara carried all the sand.
I saw Nero fiddling when he burnt up Rome;
I told him it looked like his future home.
When he had the nerve to swear,
I dragged him from his chair!
And broke a Pilsner bottle on his dome.
I remember when the country had a king,
I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring.
And I saw the flags a-flying
When George Washington stopped lying,
On the night when birds began to sing.
I saw Jonah when he embarked within the whale,
And thought he'd never live to tell the tale.
But old Jonah had eaten garlic,
And thus gave the whale the colic,
So he coughed him up and let him out of jail!
I saw Samson when he laid the village cold,
Saw Daniel tame the lions den in the hold.
Helped to build the tower of Babel
Up as high as they were able,
And there's lots of other things I haven't told!
- C Whelchel
-= rhymes =-= 132
This poem was given to me by a British woman I worked with during "my"
American military tour of England. I hope you enjoy it.
The Invasion Of The Yanks
Dear old England's not the same.
We dreaded the invasion, still it came.
Though it's not the beastly Hun,
The goddamn Yankee Army's come.
We see them on the train and bus,
There isn't room for both of us.
We walk and let them have our seats
And then get knocked down by a jeep.
With admiration we would stare
At all the ribbons the Yanks do wear.
We think of deeds so brave and daring
That won those ribbons they are wearing.
But alas they hadn't fought the Hun,
No glorious battles have they won.
That pretty ribbon just denotes
They crossed the sea, brave men in boats.
They laugh at us for drinking tea,
But a funnier sight you'll never see
Than a gum chewing Yank with a dumb looking face,
He'd raise a laugh most any place.
They moan about our luke warm beer,
Say beer's like water over here.
Yet after having two or more
We find them lying on the floor.
You should see them try to dance,
They pull and hug and strut and prance.
When you're half-dead they stop and smile
And say "how you doin', honey chil'".
It's enough to make Red Indians jealous
But Yanks are so civilized, so they tell us.
They will tell you, you have teeth like pearls,
They love your hair, the way it curls,
Your eyes would dim the brightened star,
You're competition for Heddy Lamar.
You are their love, their life, 'til death do part,
But if you love them, they'll break your heart.
For there they leave you, broken hearted,
The camp has moved, your love departed.
You'll wait for mail that will never come
And then you realise you were awfully dumb.
For in a different town, in a different place
With a different girl with a different face
"I love you, honey, please be mine",
The same old Yank, the same old line.
Written in 194? and recited by Barbara Telford, who lived in a sleepy little
town with a population of under 2,000 when over 6,000 Americans arrived to wake
that little town up! God bless America.
-= rhymes =-= 133
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
Til somebody loses an eye.
It hurts like the blazes
And makes you make faces
And you can't let your mates see you cry.
Life seems two-dimensional,
Quite unconventional,
No bleeding need to ask why.
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
Til somebody loses an eye.
But it's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be, you can't be)
With all of your parts.
It's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be a pirate)
With all of your parts.
- Saskatchewan singer Don Freed from his song, "Being a Pirate" (on his tape
"Live ARR!" on Bushleague Records)
-= rhymes =-= 134
Ravin'
by Laverne Ruby
(from the Nutworks collection)
Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,
As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,
As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.
"'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core,
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling
And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow
From my booze surcease of sorrow, sorrow that I had this chore,
Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,
Nameless here forevermore.
Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"
Thrilled me, filled me, with fantastic terrors never felt before;
And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding
"'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
It is this, and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,
And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.
Hereupon discarding my vanity, hoping but to save my sanity,
Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,
For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing, swearing,
Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before;
But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word (CENSORED),
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED),
Merely this, and nothing more,
Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,
Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck,
Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore
'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"
Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,
Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before;
Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I,
Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more.
But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core,
Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.
Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;
"Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,
Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.
Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,
Though it answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,
Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.
Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,
Say such a word as "Nevermore?"
But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only
That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;
Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,
Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before
On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Then I thought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,
Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,
"Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!
After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!
Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Monster!" said I, "Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!
By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!
Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.
What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor!
Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.
"May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."
While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,
For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.
"I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,
In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.
And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,
And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor
And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,
Shall be lifted, nevermore!
-= rhymes =-= 135
50 Ways To Screw Your Lover
(with apologies to Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
The problem is all to do with head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it orally
I'd like to help you with your problem son tonight
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
He said it's really not my habit to extrude
Furtermore, I hope my plumbing won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
Just slip in the back, Jack
Give her the beef, Heath
Slip under the sheet, Pete
Use a bit more thrust, Gus
And a threesome with a dyke, Mike
Just make her wanna squeal, Neal
On her hands and knees, please!
Pump 'til it throbs, Bob
Stick it on the spike, Mike
And while riding a horse, Morris
Just get her in the anus, Enos
Make her real moist, Boyce
Feed her the meat, Pete
Do the body slam, Sam
And give her your all, Paul
Just mess up the bed, Fred
Put her on your crank, Frank
Use your cattle prod, Rod
Stick it in the crack, Jack
And watch out for those teeth, Heath!
Just perform a rim job, Bob
Don't touch the white string, Bing
Use a little more tongue, Chung
Make his helmet glow, Moe
And make it all wet, Brett
Just give it a lick, Nick
Do the whole dorm, Norm
Shove it in to the brim, Jim
Do it till they hurt, Kurt
And make her your slave, Dave
Just play the sexy games, James
Do it in the hall, Paul
Make her see the light, Dwight
Go and get bent, Kent
And stick it in the pot, Scott
Just have her do the bobbin, Robin
Stick it where it's rank, Hank
Go and make her bark, Mark
Screw her on the rug, Doug
And stick it where it's hairy, Larry
Just whip out your dick, Rick
Spunk on the tits, Fritz
Have her give head, Ed
Pump her *after* she farts, Bart
And wipe off the smeg, Greg
Just show her you're a man, Stan
No need to be coy, Roy
Go for the blond, John
Find a new hole, Joel
And pump out the juice, Bruce
She said it excites me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you groan again
I said I appreciate that and dear, please explain
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
She said why don't I just tie you up tongiht
And I believe that in the morning you'll put up less a fight
And then she blew me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
Fifty ways to screw your lover
-= rhymes =-= 136
Some girls use Vasaline
Some girls use lard
But Lulu uses axle grease
It makes 'em twice as hard.
-= rhymes =-= 137
Rich drive a Caddy
Poor girls drive a Ford,
Lulu Drives a Chevy,
The've both been stroked and bored!
-= rhymes =-= 138
Bang-Bang Lulu,
Bang away all day...
Who's gonna do the banging
When Lulu goes away?
-= rhymes =-= 139
Rich girls use a kotex
Poor girls use a rag
Lulu's so damn wide
She uses a burlap bag!
-= rhymes =-= 140
Philosopher's Drinking Song
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume, could out consume,
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was hust as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
About the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky everyday,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed!
Note: The sixth line is changed from "Schopenhauer and Hegel" to "Wilholm
Friedrich Hegel" in some performances. Take your pick.
-= rhymes =-= 141
TDY, An Ode to a Boom Operator
by Sgt. Keith E. Sullivan
I lay on my stomach
in back of a plane,
Not really so sure
if I'm sober or sane.
My head is still throbbing
from last night's good time.
My stomach is nauseous
from too much red wine.
As I lay and look down
at the top of a cloud,
I can't help but wonder
why the engine's so loud.
Here comes the receiver
looking for fuel.
This hangover flying
can really be cruel.
I finally make contact
after only three tries.
Hitting the hole would be easier
if my "head" would stabilize.
In only two hours
we'll be back on the ground,
Then I won't need the honey bucket
for the fourth and fifth round.
I'm not sure I can make it,
I know I'm about spent.
I put on my helmet and mask
and go a hundred percent.
As the B-fifty-two
blurs out of my sight,
My body looks forward
to sleeping all night.
I vow to myself
in my state of decay,
Not to drink all the night,
when I fly the next day.
I log out the hours
at three point and seven,
Thinking of bed
as being my heaven.
I'm back at the Q
trying to rest my poor eyes,
But all I can hear
is laughter and merriment cries.
I hear strange voices,
are there "females" here?
I'd better go have
one friendly beer!!
I drink down the first
with no intentions for more,
But it isn't too long
before I've started to soar.
We head for the club
to continue a good time.
When I next see my watch
it's one fifty-nine.
I stagger on back
and crawl into bed.
I've a five-thirty bus
I'm beginning to dread.
I lay on my stomach
in back of a plane,
Not really so sure
if I'm sober or sane....
-= rhymes =-= 142
My love bedevils the bathroom,
In the morning and in the eve,
Whether to hop in to drop a log,
Or to stop by and take a pee.
The ring in the tub my love leaves behind,
And underwear strewn about,
My toothbrush that's used for cleaning of toes,
Don't raise me to rail and shout.
The pall left behind that hangs in the air,
The sink left in disarray,
Are sweet little hints to remind me here
That my love has just passed this way.
Woe be he that wails, "PEE YU!"
I'll PEE YU his face with my fist.
For the bathroom's my chapel to worship my love,
(Though I'm groping my way through the mist.)
I know that my love is fine and pristeen,
And clean as a whistle, you bet!
So I won't let a whine as I dry off my head
With towels all dripping and wet.
