I went to dinner at someone's house with one of my friends. It seemed like a cool idea at the time cuz I haven’t talked to this friend for a few months and I love going over to people’s house (even strangers), especially if there is free food involved. This dinner party was especially nice because the ages of participants ranged from 6 - 80 years. I tried to spend most of time with the 80 year old, but we ended up all hanging out with each other. Our host was very shrewd, cuz after a half of his guests left he invited the 3 women left to clean the kitchen. I agreed to because I had nothing better to do, and I know how much work it is to host a party. I was in the kitchen washing the pots and plates and the 2 other women were putting leftovers away. So one turns to and asks if my ride was my boyfriend. This stunned me speechless for a few seconds because a) no one has ever asked me that question before, b)I barely talked to my friend at dinner so I didn’t understand what caused the question. As we drove home, I kept thinking about her question. I finally decided that she asked me cuz he was my ride and he was the only white person at the dinner.

When everybody was sitting together, our conversation was very, very interesting. One issue was the validily of Spelman’s brown bag test. Apparently, there is a rumor that earlier in the century, a requirement of admission to this university involved testing one’s complexion against a brown bag. No conclusion was reached about its truth. I’d never heard of it before but it seems like a possibility. That’s so scary to me. It’s hard to know how some private colleges arrive at their decisions for admissions. A little later on we got into an intense debate discussion about racial labeling. One lady was extremely annoyed that people from the Domincan Republic do not like to be identified as blacks. To which I responded- why should they want to be identified as blacks when they are not? They are Domincan Repulicans. The black identity is forced on them but it’s not their own and they should be able to choose to reject it. I got a little worried because i felt like everyone turned on me mentally. Not only was everyone African American (+ 1 white person), but two of them were members of the black psychologists association. Which means they are probably very passionate about this issue. In the end we came to a meeting point of sorts because I thought they were using the term black as a synonym for African American. But once we came to an agreement on being black as encompassing those originating from Africa (despite their current country of residence) then there was a cloud of calm in the room.

I was thinking through what i admire in people. I really enjoy talking or interacting with people i feel are people. for me honest people tend to be a little cynical, blunt... Cuz i realize that's what i'm used to and what i understand. When i start talking to people who are super positive and cheery all the time- i start thinking it's a show. And then people who aren't afraid to tell you how they are really doing. Because it's so hard for me to let people know how i'm really doing. i worry so much about how people would feel if they really knew. So when i'm talking to someone my mind has learned to automatically surpress the extent to which i'm able to communicate the depths of how i'm doing. Cuz as i am speaking to someone my mind is processing and spitting out what i think you want to hear. it's almost sub-conscious. The other day i realized i told two sisters, things that were slightly inconsistent because i talked to them at different times and they have totally different perspectives on the issue at hand.

So i have two new mottos.
a) no fear.
b) shame evildoers by doing right.

Alot of times i just pray for boldness and freedom from worry and what other people think or will think about me. so just realizing that i have nothing to fear. it' kind of a perverted pride to worry about what others will think. because basically you're assuming that everyone is thinking about you. When in reality they aren't, they have their own problems and concerns.

For my second motto, shame evildoers by doing right- it just jumped out at me as i was reading Romans. It's kind of like the command to love your enemies. I think I gloss over it so quickly because i think i have the answers to everyone's problems or i'm busy judging them. But we aren't called (i don't think) to reform this world by lobbying Congress or becoming a politician or preaching on the street corner. None of which are inherently wrong but people are intrigued when they see people doing the right thing. They may think it's stupid but it raises questions. Like why would anybody in their right mind drive at 35mph with no traffic? I think there is just a balance between living a life that is above reproach and then trying to change the world. So God will help me find that balance. Home
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