I've finished cleaning out my drawers for Chemistry Lab. We each have four drawers, 2 personal and 2 shared. So the teacher comes by to check to make sure everything is clean and properly placed. But, I was confused about one of the items so I put in the wrong locker. You have to understand, that there are tons of equipment in each locker so it was an easy mistake to make. Anyhow the teacher comes, is going over the checklist and he's like "That watchglass isn't dry." Then he notices that the watchglass isn't even where it's supposed to be. So he says, "You were supposed to go through and throughly check each locker." To which I say, "I checked almost everything but I was confused about the watchglasses." He replies, "Well, I can't check this unless you've done a through job. I need you to be able to say that you've done a through job, or I can't check it." At this point I'm livid, so I say, "Fine. I didn't do a through job." And he leaves to go check someone else's locker. I was so angry, I was ready to throw something.

Later on that evening, when I calmed down, I started reflecting. I didn't always used to be like this. I used to be really, really calm. Like nothing could make me angry. I can honestly say that I never stressed out before my freshman year. For me anger and stress are closely connected. When I'm stressed it's easier for me to get angry and vice versa. So I started racking my brain to figure out how I could change so much. I think it's because I changed how I handle things.

So I have this problem. It's one that I've since like middle school. Now when I talk about this problem I'm going to be really vague. That's cause I'm not trying to tell you about my problem, cuz that's more personal than I want to get. I just want to talk about how I've handled the problem now and in the past and what that's helped me learn.

I think before when the problem got too bad, I just cried because I was really hurt. I really tried to understand why it happened to me, because I couldn't make sense of it. It seemed like if I was really close to happiness, the problem would just raise it's ugly head and cause me incredible sadness. The problem hasn't really gone away. I think it wasn't as bad in college, because I was so optimistic and prayerful. Maybe I was so optimistic, because I was so prayerful, I don't know. But now, whenever I deal with the problem I get livid. I think of how unfair it is that I have to put up with it and can't live the carefree life I see others living. And I feel inexplicable pessimism. I rarely ever pray about it because I feel as if it would take a Miracle to change things, and if a Miracle was going to happen, why would God take so long to deliver it? It's like if the miracle hasn't happened yet, then it's likely it will never happen.

So I realized, the problem hasn't changed. In fact it may have gotten slightly better. But of course I usually refuse to see the good changes, and just hold on to my righteous anger because things are not the way there supposed to be. But I realized that my anger is an ineffective defense. I don't like the person I've become. Anger is deceptive because you feel strong, you feel right but it doesn't really allow room for forgiveness and grace. I mean, when I'm driving I hate it when people cut me off. But when I'm in a hurry, I'll sometimes do the very thing I hate. And I'm apologizing really hard mentally. It's so silly, cuz what's to say those people who cut me off aren't also mentally apologizing.

So all I'm trying to say is that I realized that for me being angry is the worst thing I can do. It robs me of my optmism, and leaves no room for forgiveness or grace. In addition, my anger ususally makes me forget that sometimes I'm also guilty of the offense I so hate. What are you if you do what you say you hate?