December 11 1999
Sometimes i get so annoyed with myself cuz i'll realize there's so much stuff wrong with me. I'm too impatient, judgemental, selfish, hypocritical, self doubting etc. I always pray about these problems/ weaknesses but it just always gets me cuz i'll realize i messed up again. Ugh! One of my friends was describing her boyfriend's belief systems. He said he believes in himself. We both busted out laughing when she repeated his statement because it seemed so ludicrous to us. I mean how can i believe in myself, when i know better than anyone else how flawed I am? How i can look someone in the eye and promise to do something and then later realize that i'm humanly incapable of honoring that promise? It just gets to me sometimes. Cuz sometimes my mind just jumps ahead and starts planning 30 years in the future and it's like whoa, hold up- you don't know what's going to happen 10 minutes from now and you already forgot what happened 10 minutes ago.

I was looking through a book called Devotional Classics. The first selection was C.S Lewis answering the question- "Is Christianity Hard or Easy"? He started by using the analogy of studying. The laziest boy is the one who works the hardest in the end. You coast along the whole semester memorizing formulas cuz that's the easy way. Then when the final comes you have a lot of catching up to do. In many ways, the Christian Life is similar. You can surrender all aspects of your life to God now or you can try to pursue personal pleasure in earthly things (money, women, clothes, prestige etc. ) and maintain control of your life but it'll cost you in the end. It reminded me of Hebrews 12:25-26 "Moses preferred to suffer with God's people rather to enjoy sin for a little while. He reckoned that to suffer scorn for the Messiah was worth far more than all the treasures of Egypt, for he kept his eyes on the future reward." Wow. I don't know i f I can say that I choose not to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season and look to the future reward. I guess I'm taking the easy route now and I better change my ways or i'll reap the consequences later.

Or i'll ask myself why I made the same mistake again , told some stupid joke or made some biting sarcastic remark. But it's really natural isn't it? I haven't taken the time to invest into building my character sitting at the feet of Jesus, etc. In Proverb it says out of abundance of the heart , the mouth speaketh. It must not be accidental then . I need to chuck this heart and get a new one immediately. Good thing I have a little help and I don't have to do it on my own.

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