Too cool for school… That was me.
I couldn’t be bothered about breaking my back to keep the rules. It was too stressful. My uniforms were short, tight and wrong. My sandals were high, fashionable and the wrong shade of brown. My socks were all designer so they had logos even though they were supposed to be plain, I had obtained three lockers and three mattresses. I had a massive ceiling-to-floor wallpapered corner and a semi-kitchen complete with pots, stoves and food stuff. My school shirt had a polo logo…A polo logo that I’d paid Sura twenty naira to sew on for me. I even had ‘pornographic’ posters on my wall… At least that’s what my housemistress accused me of… but that is a whole new story for another day.
I did everything I was not supposed to do but I did keep my grades up always. I was comfortable and I was a very happy child. In fact, if I go back to high school, I’d be too cool for school all over again... and I’d keep my grades up all over again. That was the key to happiness. That’s where all the fun was. I was living lavish. I remember being warned several times that if the school gave me a bad testimonial regardless of what my results were, I would be ruined for life. No Universities would accept me and I would never be able to secure a good job. Whatever! As I type this now, I don’t even have a clue what the damn testimonial looks like.
I didn’t bother my pretty head with all the school spirit things. Except I wanted to. I was down for the social nights because they were fun and I was good at organizing parties and social events. I took part in inter-house sports too but in my senior days when I could do most things at my own pace, I did. I wasn’t about to carry all the wahala that came with things like founders day or inter-house sports on my head.
So...
It was an inter-house sports day. Of course, we had so many visitors that day. It was just like a visiting day. That particular year I’d decided to be too cool for inter-house sports so I didn’t get too involved. The bobo’s poured in. I could swear that there were more boys in school that day than there were girls. They trooped in, in large numbers. In their best shirts and pants. Designer shirts… some authentic, others assembled in Uyo- 3 in one designer shirts. Tommy Hilfiger label, CK buttons and a Ralph Lauren logo.
The teachers were getting all worked up about the number of young, hot blooded, teenage boys ‘bouncing’ all over the place. There were a whole bunch of frustrated teachers on the loose and they were carrying out their frustrations on us. True, there were some very intelligent teachers in my school who didn’t dwell on unnecessary things. But like any other federal school at the time, there were also the ones that were just on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You know the kind of teachers I mean… The kind that made huge deals of the most irrelevant things- like how deep your brush was… For the guys… if you don’t know what ‘brush’ is I’m really sorry but I can’t help you. Okay- I’d just try… brush is a type of thing… it’s like… ummm… when you make your hair… the front part… it’s sort of flat. Like you didn’t actually start making the hair from the front… from the beginning of your hairline… See- Very deep brush was almost like a substitute for packing your hair, which of course was a crime. If you still don’t understand the ‘brush’ thing then ask your sister or girlfriend or female friend or wife or baby momma or someone… That’s the best I can do…
Anyways, those teachers… the ones that believed that the depth of your brush was all important… I mean honestly who really cares about that stuff? Till today, I don’t understand why having brush was such a big deal. If the hair was neat, regardless of whether the brush was deep or not… couldn’t we all just be happy?
Mr. Uzo, Human Geography teacher was a staunch believer that hair to the front was a complete and definite “no, no” Making your hair to the front was completely unacceptable in his class. For those who are now confused… I feel your pain. It’s still beyond me as to why making your hair to the front could deter your desire to learn. Mr. Uzo had an explanation though… Making your hair to the front symbolized that you were irresponsible and therefore unprepared to learn. It was a desperate attempt to solicit male attention, which was definitely not the reason your father sent you to school. Speaking of fathers… The frustrated teacher when admonishing students, was also known to begin sentences with- “Is it because your father is the…” I’m sure you now know exactly the type of teacher I’m talking about.
They went on and on about things that had nothing to do with anything. Petty stuff. Uzo made sure he took the time that morning to explain clearly to us that our hair was better kept away from our faces and out of our eyes to prove that we were good uncorrupted girls that were there to learn. He saw me... my hair was packed. As I was too cool for school, I had done the hipper thing and just packed my hair. For someone who couldn’t even tolerate certain hairstyles, I’m sure you can imagine how mad he was. Uzo gave me one long ass lecture… I wonder if the school gave him a bonus for that speech.
There was a bigger scandal though. Akaego, a house captain was looking for Bunmi. Bunmi was the person in charge of glucose for Akaego’s dorm. And now she’d disappeared with the glucose. Akaego was pissed off because it was the glucose that kept her runner’s running. This was another reason why I was happy I hadn’t gotten too involved in the inter-house sports thing. Dang! That could have been me that Akaego was about to throw down with. Akaego was big. Tall and fat. She was just so huge. Trust me- she was someone you didn’t wanna mess with. She was about 6’1”. And I would give you an estimate of her body weight if I wasn’t almost positive that when she got on a scale, the scale probably said “to be continued…” As one of my favorite people would say... Serious.
So Bunmi wasn’t the most enviable person. Okay- so her toaster had come to see her but when weighed against the fact that Akaego was about to beat her up… or rather, beat her down… Bunmi’s toaster was basically insignificant.
In fact, to this day, I blame the boy for Bunmi’s misfortune that inter-house sports day. Because if he hadn’t come to school that day, Bunmi wouldn’t have been so eager to run off to a secluded part of the school and so she would not have neglected her duties as the glucose administrator.
Finally, Akaego found Bunmi with her toaster. That boy would not forget that day any sooner than Bunmi. You see, he was no match for Akaego. Where Akaego was big and heavy, he was just lanky. Needless to say, Buff Mummy had no trouble eliminating him and turning her full attention to his girl. Bunmi started yarning dust but Akaego wasn’t having it. So the beat down began.
All we could do was look on. I would have tried to break it up but… man, my skirt was tiny and the way they were fighting they would probably have wound up ridding me of my skirt. Now, you know this chikito doesn’t even play that. I wasn’t about to get naked there. That was public. And there were too many guys there… I definitely didn’t want to reduce my bride price!
Meanwhile, Folu, one of my girls had decided to get involved in inter-house sports that year. They had put her in charge of guest runners from other schools. Now, one of the male runners from another school was all over her. You could see she was pissed. And NO- it wasn’t shakara. Even Chucky put this boy to shame. To ask Chucky to participate in the same beauty pageant with that boy would have been like a personal insult to Chucky as an individual and everything Chucky believed in and represented. The boy was short, skinny and black. Actually, homeboy was beyond short. He was… um.. what’s the word? …Brief. The boy was just brief! And as black as Kola… I’m talking 'bout Kola from France Afrique, the J.S.S. French textbooks… We started making fun of Folu- “E short so tey, e siddon for ten kobo leg no reach ground!”, “E black so tey dem mark am absent for night school!” She wasn’t finding it funny. Another reason why I was glad I had been too cool to get involved with inter-house sports that year.
I just hung out with my friend, Victor. I took it easy and had fun. I had a great time. My dormitory won so I was overjoyed. And Victor was fun to hang around with. He was funny and he was a smart guy… Oh my bad! “Smart guy.” That’s an oxymoron, right? You know, I had to say that! Haaaaaaaaaa! I know the bobo’s are tripping!
Seriously, Victor was cool peoples. I enjoyed that inter-house sports. No stress. I didn’t have to worry about an incompetent glucose administrator, or an angry house captain beating my ass down… and my boyfriend’s too, or a scary-looking Chucky-wannabe be trailing me. I just kicked back, relaxed and caught my fun. I had an awesome time. Sometimes it pays to stay out of the all the action. You come out on top. Just like I did that day. Cool.
I was the man.