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A Wish |
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Signs that you are too drunk |
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Ways to get out of computer lab |
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Are you lost? |
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You might be a computer geek if... |
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Entrance Exam |
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The drunk |
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Misc. Jokes |
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A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. When he opened it a genie appeared. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.
So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed, the ecology that would be disturbed. I am afraid sir, that is just too much to ask." The man agreed and thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "Do you want that highway with two lanes or four?"
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Following are
few ways to get out of Computer lab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened
look on your face and scream 'Oh
my God ! They've found me!' and run out the door.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you, evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different
screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the 'Rocky' theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say 'Just in case...' mysteriously.
Type for a while, then suddenly start cursing at everything bad about
your life, then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentacle around your terminal before starting work.
Every time there is processing time required, pray
'Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,' and scream 'YES !!!' when it finishes.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
pressing the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing 'The Lion Sleeps
Tonight' whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men)
are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you, then return to staring at the screen and grinding your teeth.
Put a large, goldframed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk
and loudly proclaim that they inspire you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type in that position.
Laugh hysterically, shout 'You will all perish in flames !!!' and continue
working.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying 'Excuse me, mind
if I borrow this ?'
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say 'Sometimes the old
ways are best.'
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Stare at the next person's screen, look really puzzled, say 'You did
that ?' & laugh.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures.
Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell 'Take Cover !!!
Keep looking at invisible bugs and try to swat them.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair.
Run into the computer lab, shout 'Armageddon is here !!!', then calmly
sit down.
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle
when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the
pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window. "IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how did the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign help determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that it had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless
answer."
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You might be a computer geek if...
If you've "checked your neck" and
passed, try checking your pocket
protector to see if you are a computer geek.
If you even bothered to load this page
Have email addresses on more than 3 servers.
For fun you think up funny domain names. (My
favorite is "www.dot.com" get
it? dotdotdotcom, kill me!)
....and have checked to see if they exist! (btw, www.dot.com does!!)
Have more money invested in your computer
than your car.
....and don't see any thing wrong with it.
Would rather die than buy a "dummies" book.
Think people who can't set the clock on the VCR are pathetic.
Have ever tried to verbally coax an answer from your computer.
Have ever included :) in an email message.
Have thought up about 100 smiles more clever =(8^)
Have ever used a computer for more than 6 straight hours (while not at work)
Have ever used a computer past 4AM.
Own more than 6 computer books thicker than 2 inches.
Just measured books in an attempt to dodge the above.
Have ever used a computer on Friday,
Saturday and Sunday of the same
weekend.
Find yourself interrupting computer store
salesman to correct something he
said.
Have ever helped computer store personnel
with software.
The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer
system. ...and offer advice on how you would change it.
Have ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.
Own any shareware.
Have WRITTEN any shareware.
Have made any money on shareware you wrote.
Have ever written a dll or driver of any sort.
You know more IP addresses than phone numbers
Have ever accidentally dialed an IP address
Friends use you as tech support
You log more hours with your ISP than your work
You subscribe to more than 4 comp.* newsgroups
Have ever named a computer
Have your local computer store on speed dial
Can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers
Coworkers have to email you about the fire
alarm to get you out of the
building
Have ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry
Your computer has it's own phone line but your teenager doesn't
You check the national weather service web
page for current weather
conditions (rather than look out the window)
You know more URLs than street addresses
You have made your ISP completely rethink that "unlimited access" thing
Your pet has a web page
You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link
You have ever dismantled a floppy
.....and reassembled it
..........and it worked!
You ever told someone to hit AltH in response to a question
You have an opinion of Bill Gates even thought you've never met him
You think Bill Gates is the antichrist
.....KNOW Bill Gates is the antichrist
...........and can prove it!
You have ever sent email to someone sitting
next to you (esp. if it's
your spouse!) thanks Mindy!
You consider writing a program to change
your background/screensaver
regularly (I'm working on it Jer!)
You think caffeine is one of the major food
groups
.....and Twinkies is another
You have ever had a dream involving computers
You have ever modified an ini file
You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth (no offense granny!)
You start tilting your head sideways to smile
You get up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom
and stop to check your email on
your way back to bed
You check your email and get "No new messages" so you check it again
You have ever made a program give you a an
error message that says
"(reserved error ###) there is no message for this error"
....and were proud of the fact (Here's the gif)
You dream in C++ (or any language except the one you speak) (good one bret)
Anything you wrote while dreaming actually works (bret)
You have ever described a bug as a "feature" (bret again)
You have at some point explained what that damned "tilde" thing is (and
again)
If you know what IRQ stands for... (need I say it? o.k. bret again)
...and what each one does (Bret are you trying to take over? ;^)
You have said to a member of the opposite sex "Wanna play Duke Nukem?" (and
actually want to play)
If you have checked if it's legal to marry you computer (and petition the
government to change the law)(westwik)
You've read The Nerd Who Romanced My Computer and wondered when you worked
on this guy's PC
Scott Adams is one of your heros especially since he wrote "Men Who Use
Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The '90s"
Here's a few sent in by 12 year old Amy who felt I might be neglecting some
of the younger more er..
Female geeks
You could spend hours happily on the Mac vs PC wars (which Amy feels Macs
would win)
You know the tech support people from your ISP by their first names
You know more about the computers at Kinko's than the certified computer
people (kinda scares me too Amy)
You try to click every underlined word you see in print
You actually stay up late enough to watch C|Net or CyberLife on TV
You would rather use NetPhone than disconnect your computer
You start sketching your english essay's layout in HTML on your loose
leaf (I dunno Amy I think a REAL Geek would just do the essay in HTML and
give the teacher the URL =;)
The people from @Home Network (the cable modem people) know you by first
name
If you spend 10 minutes composing an email to a person you don't know
You itch to hit the return key every time you say something outloud
You can type faster than everyone else in your typing class WITH a cast on
your left hand
You ask people for their email address rather than their phone number
Find yourself trying to draw emoticons :) into your paper letters (you
mean you can write letters on paper?!? COOL)
You walk up to people and introduce yourself with your IRC nickname
If you are 12 years old and have your own domain name, and popular website
You've entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get email saying
"Forget it Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem"
The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones
You don't have a life other than computers... and are proud of it (Dassi)
You actually SAY IRC shortcuts like brb, lol or 10x (Dassi)
You spend more time on your computer on holidays than sleeping (Dassi)
You think 'pizza delivery' is the only way to get real food (Dassi)
... are suprised that there are other real foods besides pizza
You have more than two different kinds of computers in your house (Dassi)
You've watched the movie 'Hackers' more than three times (Dassi)
You've won 'Ripper' in less than a week (Yeah Right Dassi)
The only things your friends do at your house is use the computer (Dassi)
If you've ever described a color using RGB values (Gerardo)
If you have ever dozed off while at the computer
Have ever emailed yourself (in public no less!) =;^)
Here's a few from Matt G. (Sent from two different addresses no less!)
Have memorized the help files in your computer
... Then deleted them to free up disk space
You've ever met Bill Gates (and publicly admit it =;^))
... and lived to tell about it!
You have 3 cybergirlfriends that you never met (Let's hope they don't
check this page Matt or you might not have 3 for long! =;^))
... and two of them live next door
You try to email the iceman to stop
You'd rather DIE than logoff
You've married... made out... divorced without laying eyes on her
You double click the TV remote
When asked to go out for a byte, you think more RAM!
JAVA is not just for breakfast anymore
You've downloaded a file just to stay online during a bathroom break
You look forward to seeing you MAC smile on startup
You play Duke Nukem so you know your way around on your trip to LA
You have ever been on a date ... in a chat room
When your response to "You need a breath of good, fresh, Texas air" is
"We live in Texas?!?"
You buy a VCR and try to hook it to your monitor because you realise you
haven't owned a TV since 1987
You tell your mom your computer has a virus and she makes chicken soup
Your spouse puts their voice as the start up wav so you won't forget what
they sound like
You STOP getting AOL disks (Robert)
...Which is OK with you, after all how many coasters does one person need
(Robert)
You have a Hotmail address so you can get mail anywhere (Doc Cookie)
You have a shortcut key to Quake (Alt+Ctrl+Q) (Doc Cookie)
You use either Netscape or (ugh) Internet explorer and argue about which is
better(Mr. Krypto)
...and you'd rather eat your mouse than switch (Mr. Krypto)
You still refuse to use a mouse (Mr. Krypto)
You have ever used a light pen (Mr. Krypto)
You squint to use 1600x1200 on a 14 inch monitor (Mr. Krypto)
You reminisce about "The good old days" of Trash 80s, Cinclairs and the
Coleco Adam. (Mr. Krypto)
...you actually own one of those machines.(Mr. Krypto)
You've ever resolved an IRQ/DMA crisis (Mr. Krypto)
You give your street address in hexadecimal (Mr. Krypto)
You don't remember what paper money looks like (Mr. Krypto)
You're upset because you aren't allowed to change your login shell at work.
You brag about the number of computers in your cube (Mr. Krypto)
You've ever put an infinite loop into a friends autoexec.bat file as a
joke (Mr. Krypto)
...you're going to now (Mr. Krypto)
You've ever changed someone's password as a joke (Mr. Krypto)
...and you changed it to just a return (Mr. Krypto)
If you can't go 24 hours without looking at a computer (Mike)
If you have to look at the computer aisle in any store you walk into(Mike)
If you invest in Microsoft stock(Mike)
If you memorize email addresses (Mike)
If you copy and paste your homework (Mike)
If you know every cheat code for every game (Mike)
If you you have an unending bookmark list (Mike)
If you meet your husband/wife in a chat room (Mike)
If you memorized the lines to the movie "H@ckers" (Mike)
If you call tech support to talk to your buddies (Mike)
If you correct tech support (Mike)
If you email yuor homework to school (Mike)
If you carry a laptop instead of binders to school (Mike)
If you you are reading these to make sure you're not a computer geek (Mike)
You use CDROMs as coasters (Thomas)
...and they're not out of a PC magazine (Thomas)
...they're old versions of Windows NT (Thomas)
You've used automatic forwarding on your email in order to create a
"hub" from which you can view all of your email (Thomas)
You've used ping to prevent timeouts on your connection (Thomas)
...your ISP had to redo their idle checking because of it (Thomas)
...you simply came up with a way to fool their idle checking (Thomas)
...reloading a web page three times in a row now causes a timeout because of your efforts
(Thomas)
You can program in more languages than you speak (Julie)
You keep old hardware that you have replaced "because you may need it
someday (Andy)
You have ever emailed your grandmother a thank you letter (Andy)
More than two of your friends don't know you are 6'6 (Andy)
You email your girlfriend everyday even though it's a local call (Andy)
You understand dirty jokes about typing one handed (Andy)
You have ever stayed up all night coding (Andy)
...For fun (Andy)
Your coworkers shout "GEEK" and throw things when you walk by (Andy)
You wonder where the term "bookmark" came from (Andy)
Your computer has better speakers than your stereo (Andy)
...mostly because you sold your stereo long ago to buy better speakers for
your computer (Andy)
You know 100s of URLs by heart but can't remember your wife's birthday
(Andy)
You long for the good old days when everybody used DOS (Andy)
Your primary OS is DOS (Andy)
Your sig is a quote from Bill (Andy)
You don't have your sig memorized or written down (Andy)
You have more than two Dilbert cartoons cut out and taped somewhere (Andy)
You're disappointed that you could only think of 18 of these to send in
(Andy)
You emailed this list to a friend (Jester)
If you've ever had a NIGHTMARE about IRC (Drew)
....And it included IRC friends (Drew)
........And it included getting busted by the FED's (Drew)
The first thing you do in the morning is, turn on the computer (Drew)
....And then log onto the net (Drew)
You have made (or are just about to make) additions to this page
You sat and read this entire list =8^) (Kanda)
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ENTRANCE EXAM -- COLLEGE ATHLETE VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
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The drunk passed out one night in the
cemetery. When he woke up the next
morning, he looked up and saw on a head stone, "HERE LIES JOHN SMITH, A
LAWYER, AND AN HONEST MAN." The drunk said, "My God, they've buried two
men in the same grave!"
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"NoBODY likes me at school," said
the son. "The teachers don't, and the kids don't. The superintendent wants to
transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want
to go." "You have to go," insisted the mother. "You're healthy. You
have a lot to learn. You've got something to offer others. You are a leader. Besides, you
are 49 years old. You're the principal, and you have to go to school."
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THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first
man, "Sir, you're the father of twins." "Hey! Isn't that a
coincidence?" he replied. "I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball
team." Later the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the
father of triplets." "Gee," the man exclaimed. "Another coincidence!
I'm with the 3M Company." The third man jumped to his feet, grabbed his hat and said,
"I'm getting outta here. I work for 7 Up!"
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A famous movie hero entered a hospital for a checkup, and was fawned upon and babied by
every nurse in the institution. One particularly attentive nurse was at his side, it
seemed, every time he stirred. When he finally indicated that he would like to be alone
for just a little while, she told him, "Now, if you want anything at all, you need
only pull this cord." He gave her his best smile, then said, "Thank you, my
dear. And what is the cord attached to?" She smiled back and answered,
"Me!"
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MME. Wawanda tapped her crystal ball nervously and began to speak. "You soon will
meet a tall, handsome man who looks something like Mayor John Lindsay," she told the
young woman. "He owns 94 producing oil wells, two square blocks in downtown
Minneapolis, and a yacht with a crew of 34. He will marry you and you'll be happy forever
after." "Sensational!" breathed her ecstatic customer. "But tell me
just one more thing: what do I do about my husband and the three kids?"
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A man met an old friend who had been under the weather for some time, and asked him how he was feeling. "Fine," replied the afflicted one. "I'm feeling much better. I have been going to another doctor. He's been giving me iron shots, iron tablets and iron intravenously." "I'm glad to hear that. And you feel better all the time now?" "Sure do as long as I face north."
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In A San Francisco office one morning, the stenographers were still talking over their coffee, although the coffee wagon had passed by a considerable time earlier. Suddenly the floor heaved, telephones danced on jiggling desks, pictures clattered against vibrating walls. Conversation ceased abruptly. The tremor passed and the building settled down. Only a terrified silence remained. It was broken by the booming voice of the office manager as he shouted from his room, "And if you girls don't get right back to work, I'll do it again!"
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An Earthman landed on Mars and was being taken on tour by a Martain. Among the sights was
an assembly line where tiny ears, tiny eyes and all the other things that make up a baby
were put together. The Earthman said to the Martian, "This isn't the way we make
babies on Earth," and proceeded to explain the details. The Martian heard him out,
then said, "Isn't that funny? That's the way we make cars."
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A Fellow went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I'm very worried. I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits." "A packet of biscuits?" queried the doctor. "Those little square ones?" "Yes." "With lots of little holes in them?" "Yes." "Then," concluded the doctor, "you must be crackers."
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A woman bought a $250 suit at an exclusive
shop, then was appalled to see the same suit on the rack of a department store for $59.95.
She rushed back to the swank shop to complain. "But, madam," said the saleslady,
"the copy you saw in the other store wasn't 100-percent virgin wool." "At
these prices," the woman replied, "I should care what the sheep do at
night!"
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