Tales From The Canteen

It was a sly cunning mind. It was a diseased mind, a strange mind. It was the kind of mind that Jeremy Beadle would have been proud of. And now it had a task.

It surveyed the articles offered to it and considered carefully the list of options available to it: Run? No, not apt considering its position. Scream? Wouldn't work.Ah, it found its response and prepared to deliver with all its full vileness and hurtfulness.

"'Ello, 'ello. What's all this then?"

"Er, them's jacket potatoes," said the old man.

Damn, its usual primary attack hadn't worked. No loss, onto Plan B.

"Good morning sir, I'm Inspector Bullock, and this is Constable Nicely of the West Yorkshire Constabulary and we..."

"What's that when it's at 'ome then."

"That’s the Police sir." Only Bullock could pronounce the word police with a capital P

"Oh, right then," said the old man "If you're 'ere about the eggs you're wasting you're time, 'cos they couldn't ‘ave fallen off the back of a lorry 'cos they break easy, see, and.."

"We're not here," interrupted Bullock. "about the eggs, sir."

"Well, if it's the potatoes then..."

"Or the potatoes, we've had complaints about the strange events surrounding your canteen, sir. Constable Nicely? Constable Nicely!"

Nicely was starring into space and humming to himself happily.

"Nicely!"

"Sir, yes sir! They'll be ready by tomorrow, sir!"

"Nicely, please read the list of complaints to mister........?"

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"What're you waitin'' for?" asked the old man.

"Your name sir," replied Bullock. "Mister..?"

"Oh right. 'Man."

"Mister Man? What's your first name?"

"Old," answered the old man.

"Nicely! Stop sniggering and read the complaints," Bullock could feel his control of the situation slipping from his grasp.

"Mister (ahem) Man, we've received three complaints of food poisoning, two complaints of cussing from canteen staff, five complaints of indecent exposure, six complaints of gross incompetence and twelve complaints of attacks from interdimensional beasts from students at this college."

"That will do, Nicely. Stop sniggering!"

The old man scratched his head. "Well, I don't know what to say, Inspector Bollo.."

"Bullock!"

"Beg pardon?"

"My name is "Bullock", not Boll.."

"We'll 'ave less of that language in my canteen," snapped the old man. "Aye, I know your kind. You're just out to 'ave a go at us old people."

"I assure you, sir" said Bollo.., er, Bullock. "I respect the elderly as a valued part of the community. Nicely, what was I saying this morning about OAP's?"

"You said 'Anyone over the age of sixty should be put out of their misery.'. sir."

"No," he snapped. "Before that!'

"You said 'I wish all the bloody giffers would just drop dea..'"

"No," he said slowly. "Before that, " and he winked a wink that was the very embodiment of the phrase, "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?"

Nicely looked blank. "No, sorry sir I can't think."

Bullock rolled his eyes theatrically. "Anyway, sir, the fact of the matter is we have to investigate these complaints. What have you got to say in the matter? Are these complaints true?"

The old man rubbed his stubble thoughtfully and said ,"Yes."

"There's no point trying to deny it, granddad," declared Bullock, as he leaned boldly over the counter. "We've got all the evidence we need to send you down for a long time, and.."

"Sir," said Nicely.

"Furthermore I'd say what a pleasure it'll be to.."

"Sir."

"Nicely, do you mind, I'm trying to get him to confess."

"He, er, already has, sir."

Bullock thought for a second. "All right then. Sir, would you please accompany me."

"Okay, you hum the first few bars, then I'll join in."

"Nicely, stop laughing!"

"I'll tell you what," said the old man. "I’ll give you two a pizza and we'll forget all about it, eh?"

"Sir, it is a crime to try and bribe an officer of the law, besides, we only accept cash."

"Okay, forget all about it, or I'll give you a pizza."

Bullock thought about it. It was, he had to admit, an offer he couldn't refuse.

MICHAEL GREY