The House of Lords, in a surprise statement, have decided that the cash for questions affair in the House of Commons has got out of questions and should cease immediately.. Apparently the final straw was the Prime Minister, John Major, asking the Leader of the Opposition "If a finger of fudge was just enough?"

In recent times the numbers of cash-for-questions allegations have risen dramatically, and it is thought that it will prove impossible to police it all.

"It will be very hard to control it completely, I agree," said Sir Allister Fitzgerald Montegue Beezlebrook Hallistone Auther Conan Doil Sonofachickenmollester II of Nowheresville. "However, we do believe we have come up with a suitable plan. Rather than abolish the idea completely, we have decided to set up a going rate. For instance, lower prices for a question such as 'Do you want to suck your breakfast through a straw?' and higher prices for questions such as 'Does the honourable gentleman agree that by postulating as he is proceeding in doing he is in fact conversing through what can only be described as his ar*e?'. And so on." So I slipped him a fiver to ask Lady Thatcher if it's really a wig.

This opens up a whole new world for possible advertising. For instance, with enough money Tony Blair may be persuaded to go to work as the Tango Man.

This is romping reporter Michael Grey signing off for NLW, going down the pub to organise a whip round to get Tony Blair to offer Virginia Bottomley out.

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