Nuclear physicists from the London Institute of Smartarses after months of painstaking work and research have finally measured the distance between Noel Gallaghers' eye brows. Frankly it's more of a shock that there is one.

It's been found that there is a small culture of, as yet, undocumented germ cells living there. Dr. M. Edical of the Institute claims to have been totally taken by surprise by the discovery. "We weren't expecting to find any signs of life on the Gallagher brothers.", explains the professor. "The germs are like nothing we've ever seen before, unfortunately there is little chance of them being intelligent." Truer words were never spoken.

Oasis fans are welcoming the discovery with their usual calmness-"AAAHH!!! NOEL, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN, NOEL. AAAHH!!!" Quite.

On Noels' part, all he had to say on the subject was "Mumblemumbledufflecoatsmumblemumblebeatlesripoffsmumblemumble." Indeed.

When I tried to speak to Liam, for him to give his view on the matter Noel became suddenly attentive, saying that Liam couldn't speak to me right now because of the 'accident', and later adding that he didn't have a clue how the roller-skate got to the top of the stairs.

So, Noel, in conclusion? "Mumblemumblebloodybrothersmumblemumble." Wise words indeed. This is ranting reporter Michael Grey, signing off for N.L.W.

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