WHY ARE YOU TAKING ADVICE FROM ME???????

Go see There's Something About Mary
If you make strawberry dacquiris with a food processor, be sure to hold the top down
Go to Camp Dartmouth Hitchcock
Never get a paper route if you like to sleep
Check your gauges often
Name the trouble, identify the consequences,suggest an alternative,move it, sell it, or leave the door open
Don't put wool in the dryer
Eat lots of Crunch and Munch
Drink lots of Pepto Bismal
Don't take Women's Studies if you are a Promise Keeper
Never buy turtles from a sketchy man in Soho
Don't tend to worry about the things that other people say
If your english teacher tells you that you have a hip, humorous style, get very offended
B's are very good
Strive for B's
Take day trips to Syracuse
Stop being a vegetarian. Animals are delicious and you know it
Too much cole slaw is a good thing
Make blue your favorite color
Realize that you will never be able to fulfill your dream of bearing Chris Farley's children
Search for beads in your rug
Don't name your dog Shamus
Try your hand at sarcasm
Don't run over cats- they get stuck in your wheel well
Watch Jerry Springer faithfully
Borrow money from Chadwick if you get desperate
"What in the hell, Peg?"
If all else fails, move in with Eva
If you have a private joke with someone, keep it private
Dont throw chapstick at your best friend on a cold winter day
Be warned: 3D Doritos are gross...
If you don't understand the joke of the day, don't bother trying to have it explained to you
Never eat warm Mayo
Try not to fall down while square dancing when trying to impress someone
Talk to Aubry about it
Stop after eight reps if your arms get too tired
Try not to fall asleep while working out- it shows your not trying very hard
Avoid Bacardi 151 like the plague
Become comfortably numb
Never tell someone that you think they are shaped wierd. It just may be true
Tell everybody how awesome Emily Watson is!
When doing laundry, don't break the dryer in your dorm
Make everbody your best friend
Use the word 'doopie' as many times as possible when you are playing Scrabble
Play pass, not catch
If someone gives you an engagement ring, don't lose it
Have Summer reveal your secrets- she's good at it
Become that 12-year-old beauty queen that you've always wanted to be!
Dance with John Travolta every chance you get
Run
Blame your celibacy on the Vassar Greens
Only eat canolis from a bakery
Never never doubt what nobody is sure about
If someone orders a BLT, don't ask them if they want lettuce and tomato with that
Don't kiss strange bums in New York City
Eat when you are hungry
Eat as many fifty cent hot dogs as you can afford
Barter with the salesmen
Hold on tight when Pete is driving!
Play pretzel games
Stick strings up your nose
Join the circus
Try not to insult people you do not know
Assume an alias
Don't play cruel tricks on your best friend
Dip Rold Gold pretzels in a variety of condiments such as mustard
Go to statistics class already!
Stick your foot in your mouth, but only bite off the red part
Use incense to cover up all funks
Don't judge
Read your horoscope everyday
While your roommate is singing, don't tell her she's flat....
Listen to cheesy songs on the radio at night
When someone offers you an eggroll, take it
Be a fireball
Use the porta potty on the side of the highway if you need to
Don't be afraid of escalators
Call Psychic Talk USA but don't talk over your three free minutes
If you ask your waiter out, be sure you know what you're getting in to
Don't spill bong water
Trust people
Watch Jerry Springer's Too Hot For Television
Have a fetish for making candles
Ask your roommate how to spell 'fetish'
Ask your roommate how to spell 'roommate'
Wash your hands often
Try not to eat salt because it makes you retain water
Wear two barettes
Play short.
Skip the drama
Dont hit the moose
Audition for the allegories
Make dinner for everyone
Front to back, girls, front to back
The 'man hand' signifies something very sinister
'Fake dildo' is a bit redundant
Use another bathroom
Do anything for money. ok, almost anything.
If you must have sex with interns, do it with the ones who arent starved for attention
Be two degrees from your crush
Seduce visiting students
Don't get too many hickeys
Remember your own man hands joke
Be worshipped by somebody
Cut your hair
Follow up
Don't hook up with anyone from your own dorm. You'll have to see them around.
Keep your promises
Accept help
If she goes over it all in class anyway, don't do the required reading.
Have good mix tapes
Have a digicam
Don't be too mysterious
Drink on thursdays
Eat the goldengrahms treats
Drive to the far away piercing place to see the beautiful girl
Don't be drunk when your girlfriend isn't
Buy everyone dinner. Then buy everyone dessert
if I havent mentioned it, dont put wool in the dryer
Sleep with your roommate
Buy a new wardrobe every so often
Dont wait for the other person to make the first move
Dont assume your alone in the bathroom unless you check under the stall for feet first
Take advantage of good weather
Careful- they might be straight
Be fat and get free dinner
Ask your teacher about the copulation habits of snails
Its all about the summaries
Slow dance in the Sears parking lot late at night with a good friend
Go in drag
Trade identities with your hallmate
Remember that night? Me neither.......
Stop trying so hard
No, don't comb it
NO! You are NOT dying
Stop before shot eighteen
Plan a party for when your roommate is scheduled to return
Self control, its all about self control
Go see Joe B
Read your horoscope on my webpage
Let Dave cook for you- surprisingly he's good at it
Dance, dance, dance......
Save all your work for the weekend, then when the weekend comes say, "I'm not going to do my work, its the weekend for christ's sake!"
Don't overdo the BNL
One can never get enough BNL
Resist
Just say no
Don't do it
Act on impulse
Drink some more pepto bismal
If you have a bad New Year's eve, remember there's always Thanksgiving
Don't fall off the roof
Inject yourself
Don't let your friend stab you with a needle
Paint your boxes
Don't be friends with people who kill people
Put off going to your gastroenterologist for as long as possible
Put off going to your orthopedist for as long as possible
Avoid anything with moth balls
Bring your dictionary to the retreat
Drop bio like the plague
QUIT SMOKING!
Kneed those suckers
Closet?door?closet?door?...
Say totes
Go visit James Van der Beek's house (sp?)
Put disturbing photos up on your walls
Make Lisa scratch your bug bites til they are raw
Dont put cuticle polish on your lips
Cover your mouth when you huck up mucus
Careful when wiping
Use a tissue
Show love to the teletubby on the side of the road
Avoid Joe B
Long cut
Bring toilet paper on long walks, just in case
Have them sign your butt, its much more personal
Check the door for rainbow flags before entering
Say goodbye
Don't dwell on things
Get gas BEFORE it's too late
Laxatives, if need be......
Do BETTER on your make- up exams
Go blond...or red
Sleep, go the bathroom, sleep, go the bathroom, sleep, go the bathroom. Ah, what the heck...do them together
Tell him you have the experience necessary
Then practice and get good
Walk the dog
Take a bite out of crime
Say 'Green for a bi' when you are playing trivial pursuit
Open your window wide enough to fit the food through
Feed JC Rocker the dirty fries that landed on the ground
Don't start freaking out when you walk the dog. We don't need a repeat of last winter
Lose Bruce
Sleep all day if you have no classes
Name your private parts. But not Susan. Or Chloe.
Don't kill roosters.
Shout. Shout. Let it all out
Be fastidious like Jen is
Wash your sheets RIGHT AWAY after you pee your bed. Otherwise they will stink up your closet for weeks.
Shalek4@hotmail.com goes at the top of a mass email list
Write a poem about Chloe. Read it in front of a large group of people. Watch them stare at you blankly
You should really, really like whomever you marry
Smoking cornsilk can have a very desirable (sp?) effect, if you like that sort of thing
Take a coffee break every morning
Celestial Seasonings is made in Boulder, Colorado
According to Shakespeare, I can't be horny. Only boys can. I am not a boy. I don't have a horn, see. (Direct quote currently being searched for)
Be VERY CARING, then try to change your reputation by having your students start false rumors about you. Is 'false rumors' redundant?
If someone tells you that you are the bomb, its a GOOD thing
If you have a lot of internal integrity, do not attempt to bullshit because you won't do a good job anyway
Don't give nude presentations
For an enjoyable afternoon, cut and paste do loops!
Use your free will, cause you KNOW you have it!
Randomly email strange but wonderfully charming men and make them presents
Don't believe your wife if she comes home and tells you that her student was abducted by aliens
Even if you win the coin toss, its not too late to do the right thing
But if you lose the coin toss, my sympathies are with you
Great female comediennes often dissimulate that they are dizzy. I, for one, am not
Its no picnic when your spouse dies
Turn your mythological life into a sitcom
Be careful when you steal around other people, kleptomania is contagious
Theory, not experimentation
Dont steal plants from bakeries
Write thank you notes to your donors (does this include organ donors too? What if you got an organ from a dead person? Then what??)
Cook the bread if you're going to call it toast
Save the ostrich! Open your window!
I tried putting in my retainers after four years of not having worn them. One word: PAIN.
Come the see Rev. Miss Katie Elizabeth for confession
If you're bored, start an away message war with Boutros Boutros Ercolano
Save the lettuce for salad, it is not meant to be used as a blanket
Take down the quote wall before your relatives see it!
Order a pizza when you're working in the reserve room. Watch while people give you strange looks as you eat it when you're really suppose to be getting them files
If Lauren Kelly dares you to pee in the stacks, DONT DO IT!
However, if Lauren Kelly asks you to go to the library with her, GO!
Go buy the book Bad Toast, you'll love it!

--katie