So, I will present these items in no particular order. You may reuse these items as needed. This is my only page that isn't copyrighted.
I was drinking water out of a difficult bottle to drink from. Of course it was loud and people were trying to watch TV.
This one chick who was as ugly as sin said ''Clyde, I've heard German shephards who drink quieter than you do''.
My response was ''(Sandy), I've seen German shephards that look better than you do.''
She was quiet for the next TWO HOURS and one of my friends shook his head in disbelief for a whole 120 seconds.
One of my friends was talking about an ass, as in a donkey. I entered the conversation a little late and asked
''Are you calling me as ass again?''
His response was ''You are what you eat, Clyde.''
I then quipped ''That must make you a dick.''
He replied ''Wow, Clyde, I have no comeback for that. I don't know what to say even.''
A friend of his then added ''Gee, (Evan), you must be a wad of cum too.''
Q: Why does a hockey player make a better lover than a cowboy?
A: Because a hockey player will spend two minutes in the box while a cowboy thinks a good ride last 8 seconds.
Q: What do you get when you have a bird without a beak poking a Rolex?
A: Impeckable timing.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: I didn't wake up with a light on this morning.
This is not a joke or a comeback. It is a deal where I finally pulled one over on somebody. This guy's of quick wit and can't be fooled, EVER.
We both played in a symphonic-type band and he was always teasin with people. So finally, the whole band was quiet and (Trevor) struck up a conversation with me. The ass end of the conversation went as follows:
I say ''You know that I'm deaf in my left ear Trevor''.
He replies ''Well, that explains why your clarinet squeaks all the time''
I ask ''Huh?!?''
He repeats ''I said Well, that explains why-'' and he stops in his tracks.
The rest of the band was quiet again. I overheard someone say ''It's about time someone actually got him.''
There was this rumor about Wal*Mart coming to Fairbanks and one of my friends didn't like that idea.
He said ''I don't want no White-Trash store in Fairbanks!''
Since I was offended because I shop at Wal*Mart I had to say ''You know, (Randy), I'm uncomfortable around my own people too.''
He hasn't spoken to me since. Maybe he [rep]resented that remark.
Q: Who's the biggest idiot?
A: The IDIOT who signed Dido.
Q: Who's a bigger idiot than that idiot?
All the fucking morons that bought her CD's.
Q: Who's even morose than that?
A: The moron who allowed Faith Hill to record her song "Cry".
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Alanis Morisette singing the National Athem.
Q: What's even grosser?
A: Alanis Morissette.
Clyde. I'm 5'3'' and 109 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I think I'm quite attractive. I'm quite hot actually. My height shouldn't be an issue!
My reply was ''Well, if you think YOU'RE so attractive, then why don't you go FUCK YOURSELF.'' Needless to say, she didn't reply to my reply.
One of my friends bought a car recently. The previous owner left their ID in the car and she was like 5'8'' tall. So I was like ''(Danielle), you would hafta wear 8-inch heels to pass off this ID!''. The only thing she could say was ''That's 6-inch heels buddy''.
Confuscius say "He who drop egg say 'Yoko Ohno!!!' ''
I was waiting in line at the beer garden to buy MY FRIEND (not myself) a beer and there were three dudes in line ahead of me. They looked like they've been hangin out for years. One dude decided to pick the other dudes nose. I thought that to be odd so I told the victim ''Are you gonna take that from him?'' The victim replyed with a ''Yes I am''. Seconds later, the victim plucked a goatee hair from the picker than asked him ''What does that look like?'' The picker than replied ''It looks like your wife's pussy hair!!'' That's when I said ''Cool, at least she's blond...''
I was sitting in a coffee shop enjoying some caffeine when a stranger asked me. ''So, what is the population of Delta.'' One of the shop owners jokingly said ''300''. I shook my head and counted the people in the coffee shop and told the stranger ''Six people''.
In the same coffee shop some months later, a small group of us were sampling the new bean. We were eating it raw and in espresso-drink-form. I had a latte, one had a mocha, and another had a iced something or other. We were trying the bean itself from bean form. A barista then asked us ''You can eat the beans whole?'' One of the other guys replied ''Yeah it doesn't taste like horse shit or anything.'' Nobody laughed. I then added ''It has the same texure as but it doesn't taste like horse shit.'' My spin to the joke drew a little more laughter than I had expected.
I was just told that one of my friends lives in a van near Homer these days. Silly thing is, I sold him that van a few days after I bought it thinking I was gonna have a decent forestry season. So, a shitty forestry season means that my friend still has a home.... of sorts.