Sidenote: This events may not be from my experiences. Some of my friends have confided in me and I've included their translations in this document.
I will list the Friendish languaged sentence in the first line(s) and the translation in the second lines.
(What your friend says): No offense [Insert Your Name], but....
(What your friend really means): Dude/Dudesse, I'm going to offend you hardcore
Are you mad at me?
I'm so freaking mad at you but I'm asking you to throw you off!
Why would you think I would be mad at you?
I'm so fucking mad at you and you don't know why?
I'm sorry, it won't happen again!
Ha ha, sucker!! Your apology is my permission to do it again!
I'll meet you there at 10pm.
I'll be there at midnight. OR
I won't meet you there at all.
Dude/Dudesse, call me anytime you need a hand that's what I'm here for.
Do not call me between 12:00am and 11:59:59 PM. If you call me during those hours, I will hang up on you but ask you why you didn't call me for help. I will also disallow any knowledge/memory of you calling me late at night and accuse you of lying. I will then guilt trip you for not relying on me.
Ah, you're not THAT ugly...
You're the UGLIEST son of a bitch I met, get plastic surgery!
Please call me tonight.
You will get my answering machine and I won't return your call.
Why didn't you call me last night?
I got your message on my answering machine but I deleted and ignored it.
We'll take my car, you don't hafta be the designated driver
I will get drunk and we'll hafta call a cab.
Please talk to me!
You can talk but I'll cut you off after the second word of every one of your sentences cos your opinion is wrong and I don't wanna hear it. If I don't cut you off, I won't pay attention to you at all. Your other friends will notice that I'm ignoring you. This will make you look like the asshole, when in all actuallity, it's me that's the bitch/asshole.
I'm not drunk!
Would you please pick me up off the floor and make the room stop spinning! I drove here with my own vehicle and you will have to take me home even though I live 20 miles out of your way. Please take my keys away from me and call someone to tow my vehicle home. Better yet, when you're done taking me home, call one of your friends at 4am and have them help you return my car to my place.
People may disagree with you, Faith Hill has talent.
I'm a mindless, brainwashed zombie. You will die for that comment!
Dido's not a dyke!
Yes, you're right, Dildo is a dyke but I won't admit it! Because Omigiod, she speaks to my inner psychotic issues. And for me to admit that Dido's a dyke would be for me to admit that I'm a dyke too, but I'm just in denial. You need to listen to some Dido CDs so you can become a man-hating feminazi like me. If you listen to it enough, you will become one of her zombies just like I am. If you don't convert to Didoism, you will die.
Dude/Dudesse, I saw you at Fred Meyer the other day!
I'm stalking you. OR:
I hired a private investigator on ya buddy.
Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar.
I'm just making idle chat with you cos my friend said he/she was gonna show up at this time but they're not here and I noticed that one of your friends must've did the same to you.
You ignored me the other day.
I ignored you the other day. I saw you but I really didn't feel like talking at that time cos my other friends were there. If they knew that I spoke to you, I would be embarrased. I'm just accusing you of ignoring me cos I wanna guilt trip on you like I always do.
I can't talk on the phone right now.
Get a fucking life! Don't ever call me again. It's never a good time to talk to me!
Can I borrow five bucks? I'll repay you the day after tomorrow.
Can I borrow 50 bucks? You'll never see it again.
I have an open door policy. You don't have to knock when you come over.
If you come over, I will pepper spray you, kick your ass, and call the cops on you. I will apologize but I really don't mean it. I just felt like injuring someone at the time and you just happened to be there. I'm sorry that it cost you $10,000 to be in the hospital for 2 weeks. I won't offer to help you with the bill because you're not good enough for my money.
Dude/Dudess, I've noticed that you haven't been in town recently! Where have you been?
Thank God you're not in town anymore. My life has been wonderful without having to pretend to like you. Why the hell did you come back to town? Nobody wants you here. Go back to where you came from!
When do you plan on coming back to town?
Please say ''Never'', if you don't say ''Never'' at least give me enough notice so that I can leave town before you get here.
I notice a family resemblance between you and your brother.
You and your brother look nothing alike but I have to say that you two do because all people of your race look alike and that's what I've been conditioned to say. You are a foot taller than your brother, your skin tone's different, and there's no resemblece in the face whatsoever, but all ********'s look alike.
I only had 2 drinks.
Did I mention they were two full pitchers? Will you help me walk home?
I'm not speaking to you again, don't try to look me up or contact me or anything. You brought this on yourself.
I was listening to a Dildo CD at the time I sent you this email and I hate all men now. This is also my desperate attempt to make you feel as miserable as I feel myself. The only thing that makes me happy is playing psychotic-games with people and you're my victim. I actually brought this on myself but I'm unwilling to admit that I made the mistake or that I was wrong. I will seek you out and exact my revenge on you. Watch your back.
You need to go to that Dinner Function with Ramona only as friends. Be there for her.
I know she's absolutly hideous but I don't care, she needs to get laid and you seem desperate enough to date her. I tell you constantly that you're an 8 on a scale of 10 for hotness and she's an 0.5. I didn't realize that that would offend you but setting her up with you is purely for her benefit only. Someone has to knock you off of your ''being an 8'' high horse and Ramona's the one who can do it. Everyone else I've tried to set Ramona up with has turned her down and you're my last resort. Please do this for me, her friendship with me's on the line here. If I don't succeed this time, she's never gonna speak to me again and avoid all contact with you, me, and all the places that we go to. I've already told her that you like her even tho it's not true and she has all these false ideas in her head. If you don't date her, it's your fault even tho I should be taking all the blame here. You brought this on herself!
You can come over at any time, mi casa, es su casa.
Please don't.
Make yourself at home.
You've already overstayed your welcome. What do you think? You own this place?
What's on TV?
You freak! You watch way too much TV! You're more accurate than the TV Guide Channel!
You watch way too much TV.
I watch way too much TV.