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Funny Stuff

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This page is just a collection of a bunch of things that I find funny. Feel free to email me and let me know of anything you think I should add. Please be careful not to send me anything vulgar as anything of that nature will not be viewed kindly.

I know I know, I haven't updated this page in ages. Well you can all relax now cause I've taken the time to update it. Yes that is right. There is a lot more here to laugh about now. But if you wanna see it your gonna have to see my second page of jokes.

Introduction to Chinese

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of the clergies are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then the rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police to join us."

Observation attributed to Prof. Robert Wilensky of the University of California at Berkeley:

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."

Instead of having problems in math, they should just call them "impressions" and if we don't get the same "impression" so what, can't we all be brothers?

CAKE AND FROSTING

In life, there is cake, and there is frosting. One of the most important keys to happiness can be gained through the lessons of cake and frosting. You see, women, we are the cake in life. Cake is yummy, delicious, scrumptious, wonderful...etc. Cake comes in all different flavors and sizes. But most importantly, CAKE is good when eaten all by itself!!!!!!!

Boys are the frosting. Sometimes women like a little frosting to top our cake because it adds a little flavor to our cake. Sometimes, we can't stand the frosting on our cake, or we have WAY too much of it on us so that it smothers our cake, so we need to scrape it all off before we gag in disgust or puke it all up. Other times, we think that a certain frosting would be good on our cake, until its with our cake and then we realize that it's nothing but the cheap imitation stuff. Way too many times, we think that we need frosting. WE DON'T NEED FROSTING!!!

Cake is good all by itself. Quite often we spend all of our time trying to improve our cake with frosting, when we should be improving on what really counts: the quality of our frosting. Why add sprinkles to the frosting, when we can add sprinkles to our cake mix? Besides, every one knows that its really hard to change frosting. It's so sticky and stubborn!

However, there is one thing that always goes well with cake: ice cream. Ice cream is the friends that we have. When has ice cream not complemented cake? Never!! Ice cream doesn't smother our cake, but sits beside our cake and gives it space. Like friends learn from each other and grow close, ice cream melts together and blends in with cake, adding that extra flavor required for the perfect bite. In case you miss the point, let me repeat it one last time (frosting never seems to be a quick learner, so have patience all my fellow cakes).

CAKE IS GOOD ALL BY ITSELF!!! BE HAPPY BEING CAKE!

CLAUSE 1

To give frosting a little credit, there may come a time in your life when you need frosting. But be very careful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and is not to be confused with cheap, used, and deceitful frosting that takes advantage of sweet, yummy cake. Be very careful when topping your cake.

CLAUSE 2

Be very careful when frosting and ice cream become one and the same. Most ice cream is best as ice cream and shouldn't try to become frosting. Sometimes though, ice cream cake is the best, when prepared with great care.

If Microsoft Built Cars . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friend's, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

Words That Don't Exist But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're six inches away.

11. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

12. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

13. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

14. BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

15. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

16. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

17. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

18. ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

19. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Parenting 101 - Lesson: You Can Never Win

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

How to Tell If You're Throwing A Successful Party

- Festivity Level One -

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

- Festivity Level Two -

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

- Festivity Level Three -

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".

- Festivity Level Four -

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight nearly naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."

THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

2. Go ahead and leave the seat up.

3.  I think hairy men are really sexy.

4.  Hey, get a whiff of that one.

5.  Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.

6.   This diamond is way too big.

7.   Does this make my butt look too small?

8.  Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.

9.  Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.

10.  I'm wrong, you must be right again.

11.  I think belching is really sexy.

12.  Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.

13.  I insist that you always put your mother before me.

14.  You don't swear enough.

15.  I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.

16.  Move over, I'm driving.  I love city traffic.

17.  Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.

18.  That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.

19.  Your buddies tell the best stories.  I could listen to them all day.

20.  I understand.

Keep Counting!

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs,  "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"

Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that.  The first man responded, "It's a blast.  You have to try it.  Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible.  You get such a rush. C'mon, give it a shot!" he says and steps aside.

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.

"No, no, no!  You're doing it wrong.  Jump higher, yell louder!"

So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal.  Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush.  Seventeen!  Seventeen!!!  SEVENTEEN!!!"

The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder.  Soon he is in such a state of euphoria he doesn't see the first man yank the manhole cover out from under him... "SEVENTEEeeeeeeeeen!"  The first man stares down the manhole a couple seconds, replaces the cover, and continues, "Eighteen!!  Eighteen!!"

The things presented here do not necessarily represent my views. I apologize for any who are offened.

Http://www.geocities.com/Lori42/jokes.html
May 27, 2002
LJB