Missing Socks Feedback:

[Updated 12-4-97]

According to the eminent German Socktologist, Ernest Footz Ph.D., the mystery of where one sock out of every pair disappears to is answered by where they come from. Footz discovered that in a pair of socks, one sock was an exact mirror of the other ... not a duplicate, but an opposite image, like a right and left hand. So perfect were the mirror socks to each other that, other than for being opposite, there was no difference at all. Professor Footz is convinced that such a mirrored double could on only come from a parallel universe or dimension. He theorized that on the manufacturing of a single sock, that the weaving apparatus some how conjures or draws its simultaneously created mirror into our dimension. However, Dr. Footz believes that an unstable condition exists in this mirrored sock. Agitation in water for a prolonged period of time aggravates the stability of this sock in this dimension and eventually results in a energy collapse that carries the mirrored sock back into its own dimension. For proof of his claim, Dr. Footz points to data that supports the claim that most socks disappear when being washed. -- dalemv19@idt.net (Dale C. Musser)

• Thank you for that scholarly explanation. -- S.W.

Actually, a worm hole is nearly the same thing as a temporal vortex. Once I put these two together (forming a temporal torus) and my socks began returning from wherever it was they were going to. Haven't lost one since. -- luke4486@geocities.com (Luke) [7/97]

I think the lost socks are taken by Scotch/Irish fairies. I think they like the color and fabric of the socks so much that they have to steal them. I know this is true. Every time I get a really nice pair of socks or something else really nice, like a new CD that I really love, it disappears, and next to where it was is a trail of shiny footprints. It's the fairies, man. That's where all the lost socks go. -- cat.lady@airmail.net (katheryn d. moreno) [7/97]

Here's one from the world of quantum physics: If there are alternate realities out there, then there are inevitably two of you out there, ie. I am here typing to swagner911. I could go insane at this exact moment, but I don't. However, somewhere there is a Chris out there going nuts and getting arrested. Now, say I continue with my life and the other Chris continues with his life. If we follow the same path of our lives, sooner or later when our lives are exactly the same, heart beats, etc. are the same, the two Chris's will become one when we both choose the same path. Now, say we both end up in my room at the exact same moment in time. The other Chris picks up one of my socks and our worlds diverge again leaving me looking for the damn sock, credit goes to Matt Murray Chemistry and Physics Teacher at Pioneer High School. I am enrolled in his 4th Per. class. -- Michelle.Haproff@wuhsd.k12.ca.us (Michelle Haproff) [4/97]

• Hey, I wonder if it's my alternate self that also keeps leaving the damn cap off the toothpaste! -- S.W.

A couple of months ago I was reading about "cats and buttered bread" and how the combination is an antigravity machine capable of space flight. If cats can actually be used in space flight, then it only follows that several boo-boo-kittys traveling through space will need something to keep their feet warm. The evidence: An increase in alien abductions and sightings points to an increase in space travel and thus higher sock demand for boo-boo-kitty space craft. Next, the wormhole theory: They don't end up in China; the socks end up over China, where current abductions happen to be taking place and kitty refueling is occurring. Notice there aren't too many cats as house pets in China. Because they are being taken into space, where they have a piece of buttered bread strapped to their backs in order to become anti-gravity machines. They also need the socks. China is a perfect place for them all to get together. Lastly, why are so many cats called "Socks"? Think about it. Because all the people who see UFOs see cats feet covered with socks, and in their amazement and stupor, the only thing they are able to recall is socks and cats. So they go get a cat and call him socks (it's similar to the mashed potato thing in Close Encounters of the Third Kind). Those are the real facts. Ken -- kgibson@aci.net (Ken Gibson) [3/97]

• Man, oh, man! I think you're onto something ... ! -- S.W.

Don't missing socks go to the Hose-zone? -- mgardner@ebtech.net (Margaret Gardner)

Well, I can't speak for all the missing socks, but I know where some go! I do work in people's homes. When there is a good-looking woman living there, because I have a fetish for dirty socks, I take a few. I know it sounds weird, but when you love dirty socks like I do ... it's the natural thing to do! -- ed-wood@i-2000.com

• You know what's scary, Ed? You've provided the most sensible answer yet. -- S.W.

I have a tiny newsletter for the exchange of hints, tips, ideas, fun stuff .... I asked the socks question and got an interesting explanation: occasionally a sock will creep up the side of the "bowl" (or whatever you call it) and slip over the top and down the outside to hide forever in the inner recesses of the washer. One can test this of course, on old washers. Never have. I saw a cartoon long ago that showed a washer's cycle knob -- pre-soak; wash; rinse; spin; lose sock; rinse; spin. -- LaFayette S Cadrille mcooney@midcoast.com (Michael Cooney)

The only explanation I can come up with is one I heard as a child: The "sock monster" eats them. -- adcom@postoffice.ptd.net (stephen l.)

• We have heard this one as well. And for details on this theory, we turn to our resident expert on the paranormal, Dr. Franz Ersatz. "The idea of a hosiery-eating animal, or 'monster,' comes to us from the Romanian legend of Zukkaniascz -- or 'stocking swallower,'" reports Dr. Ersatz. "As the story goes, Zukkaniascz, which had an insatiable appetite for malodorous cloth, would creep into villagers' dwellings at night through the floorboards and steal stockings from hampers, wash basins or drying racks and eat them. The stomach of the Zukkaniascz was said to be small, however, and so it could only consume one stocking per night. Hence, the one-stocking-missing phenomenon. This is legend, of course, although it is still held in fervent belief by many Romanians. Just last September, Romanian newspapers carried the story of a farmer in Timisoura who claimed to have snapped a photo of Zukkaniascz in the act of stuffing a sock down its throat. A scientific examination of the photo, however, revealed that it was actually a badly shaved cat heaving up a fur ball." Thank you, Dr. Ersatz. -- S.W.

Take that sock out of your mouth and send your ideas to: swagner911@aol.com

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