Election Called For November 27th
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Jesus Christ Joins Alliance, Stockwell Day Virtually Guaranteed Victory
Ottawa, ON -  The newly formed Canadian Alliance made it's first big election move yesterday when party leader Stockwell Day announced that Jesus Christ, son of God and saviour of humanity, is supporting his bid for Prime Minister.

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NASA Declassifies Moon Landing Tapes
by Science Correspondent B. Crowell
Goddard Flight Center -  In a special press conference convened today NASA officials revealed that the lunar landing footage that was thought to chronicle man's first steps on the moon was in fact staged after the actual landing failed to live up to NASA's expectations.  "In the interests of full disclosure to the American public we at NASA have decided to release this secret footage after keeping it hidden for 31 years," stated NASA Chief Administrator Daniel S. Goldin.  In the original tape, which was played for the press, Neil Armstrong is seen exiting the lunar lander with a large foam hand with the words "USA #1" in large bold print.  As his feet touch lunar soil, the famous phrase, "That's one small step for man...one giant leap for mankind," is replaced by "That's one small step for man...one giant fuck you to Russia!"  Buzz Aldrin then emerges from the craft and blurts "Fuck yeah!" loudly over his intercom.  He then informs mission control that he has wrapped a Russian flag around his spacesuit diaper and that he is urinating in it.  The video then shows Mr. Aldrin stepping down from the spacecraft and bumping chests with Armstrong a few times after which they proceed to do a choreographed dance on the lunar surface which ends with a back flip and full split.  Both astronauts then strike body building poses for the camera.  Armstrong then turns towards the camera and exclaims, "Hey Russia!" and makes a gesture with his middle finger which is followed by loud cheers and hooting from Mission Control staff in Houston.   After the hooting dies down Mission Control gives some muffled instructions and Buzz Aldrin can be seen re-entering the spacecraft while Neil Armstrong clears away the footprints with a rake he removes from the side of the space module.  He then steps back inside and re-exits for the staged event the entire world watched so many years ago.

France To Join U.S. In Mars Exploration
Paris - France's Research Ministry said on Tuesday it has signed a "statement of intent" with the U.S. space agency NASA for joint co-operation in its Mars exploration program.  A ministry statement said details of the agreement with NASA will be made public on Thursday.  Industry officials told Reuters the agreement probably will name the European Ariane-5 rocket as the launch vehicle for a Mars mission in late 2003 or early 2004 to dig up Martian soil to test for organic or other life-related chemical compounds.  The French officials then assured the media that if life was found on Mars they would immediately surrender to it and pay fealty to their Martian Overlords.

Oprah Winfrey's Ego Threatens Life On Earth
Chicago, IL - Scientists warned U.S. Government officials yesterday that if something is not done soon to check the growth of Oprah Winfrey's ego it could spell the end of life on Earth as we know it.  The Senate Subcommittee on the Environment has been holding hearings on global ecological threats for several months now and Ms. Winfrey's ego is said to rank very near the top.  "Only overpopulation and the threat of nuclear war rank higher than the menace posed by Ms. Winfrey," stated Dr. Ian Mitchell in a prepared statement.  "Her ego has grown so rapidly that if she is not stopped the world's delicate ecological balance threatens to be destroyed."  While the exact mechanism is still unknown, there is strong evidence that Ms. Winfrey's ego has caused the extinction of at least one African primate species, several hundred types of insects and the utter obliteration of vast tracts of Brazillian rainforest.