What are you going to name your first born? Why?

You can answer on your own page/ blog/ journal or share [here] in my guestbook.

That East Side San Jose driving is just getting to my mentality. Fa sho.

This is still part of the quilt - the incomplete expressions of my mind, soul, and fingertips. Thank you for staying on board. Thank you in advance for trying it out.

There ain't nothing spectacular or special to expect. Just me, damnit. Just me.

[01.09.02]

[MOMENTS] we share times and memories and breaths and blinks. together we can live. together we will experience the worst and the best. together we will make each moment a positive or negative. we share to make it real.

Yesterday I bought transfer paper that I can use with my Ink Jet printer. I'm making Iron On T-shirts. Jigga what?

Take Shaq for example. He had a rather immobile, unproteted shot at Brad Miller's head the other night and whiffed.. BAD! Last year, Marcus Camby whiffed on Danny Ferry. Almost a decade ago, Deion Sanders and Andre Rison started throwing punches at each others' heads.. with their helmets still on!

Remember in grade/Jr/high school when people would flex muscles and then walk away. ACTING!

Geez, frickin millionaires! They have no class!

But I problem solve. As humans, we like to bury ourselves in problems. So I found certain exits and certain streets to use. In the past few weeks I've learned that whatever I do and whichever possible detours I attempt to find.. the nature of the night's drive will bring me home no more or no less than 5 minutes from one path home, or another.

Today I stayed on the freeway. I stopped the meandering. Will I meander again? No doubt. But today, I stayed on.

[01.16.2002]

- the john-nickname-game
- sports anaologies (analogy athletics)
- Check Dis - (CD reviews)
- Free Jolly Jenkins - Boondocks reflections
- hateration - where i just hate
- Sunday Spending - a look at Sunday ads and subsequent shopping list
- and more more more!

Oh the horror.

It's been a long time... and I'm itching to start something dope again.. kinda like LACED but on another level.

john's jumping back into the magazine-expression game. if you would like to contribute
- poems
- short stories
- pictures
- digital media
- diary entires
- ransom notes
- your own book of the bible
- etc. etc. etc.

Holla at me

I am a co-dependent person. Something I would never have wanted to be. Something I never would have believed I could become. I am a hypocrite because I suggest to others to be free.. to live.. to not be pulled down. Yet, I do the opposite for myself despite knowing what I SHOULD do.

"I am happy, only when you are happy." How pathetic.

Andres Tiburon

I wanted a strong name of dignity and honor. ANDRES represents Andres Bonifacio who was a leader of the Katipunero revolution against Spain in the 1890s. TIBURON is shark in Spanish, and since many Filipinos have Spanish surnames, I figured it would go. I wanted to portray an identity that was anchored by the strength, mystery, nature, and aggression of a shark.

It's a simple concept. True. It's true for me. Simply.

Yesterday, as we marinated over a little bit of coffee I commented that: "I'm not necessarily in love with the person as they are, but actually I'm in love with the person who I believe they potentially can be."

So, to break it down:

What do I see myself that makes me fall for others? I'm not really sure if I know it all.. or if I know it AT all. But what I've realized it that I love to see the spirit of a person's soul. With some people, you can't even see past the superficial. Not that they are superficial, but something about them sheds this aura of plainness. And of course that isn't bad, but I want to see a person's insides glow. Just frickin illuminate myself and her own being without trying.

It's kinda like the FORCE. Some people have it. Some don't.

I'd like to believe that I have passion... a passion to live, to create, to be... and to understand why I be. Sometimes I fall off, but sometimes I learn with a stoplight, or a traffic jam, or a glance, or a conversation. And I love to learn.

I am a leech... (co-dependent at times.)

[01.16.02]

"We shall overcome." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

See, I saw that phrase etched into the dirt on the back window of some truck. "God Bless America" read the bumper sticker next to it. And I was offended.

The United States and its citizens have gone through a lot of horror, grief, pain, and anguish over the last few months... enough for a thousand lifetimes. Yet, where do we stand as a nation in comparison to the rest of the world?

There are countries and people who know of no other life than one that is full of terrorism, war, and trauma. We were attacked once.. gravely, viciously, and inhumanely. But that was once. Count Pearl Harbor? That was twice. And you say we shall overcome?

We overcame within a week. Our lives have been shaken because for most of us, anthrax in an envelope and high cholesterol is all we truly have to fear. In the 1950s and 60s, Dr. King gave hope to AMERICANS who were not allowed to enjoy this country as their own. They had no rights. They were treated as second class citizens. They were treated as second class humans and third or fourth class beings. (Pets had received more human rights earlier than some HUMANS did in this country.)

And, despite what you might think, there are still GROUPS of people here who are treated as second class humans. Then, there are the Afghan citizens, victims of the selfish fuckers who "represent their whole country [and religion]" who don't have any rights but to see their country wasted with war and INHUMANITY.

And you say WE shall overcome?

I realized I have been neglecting this site for over a month, and somewhat incoincidentally, the last day I updated this site was January 16.

January 17th, my life changed... and I took one step closer to adulthood. (I'm no way near that yet.) So I bought a car. 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS. I've learned a lot since then. A lot has changed. It's only been a month, but I've really, really learned a lot.

Anyway, if you catch me turning it into a "rocket" please bust a drive by on me. Otherwise, I promise to improve on performance not look. Content over image, but not TOO much over.

[02.20.02]

I told one of my coworkers a while back to pick and choose fights because there was no way we could survive by fighting every little nuance of shit that we come across.

I just ran my mouth of about "black" music (not "black-only music") and how it becomes pop when the white audience has a white band/artist to relate to. Take Elvis, Buddy Holly, Benny Goodman, Eminem, Britney Spears, for example. You don't have to agree. I'm not putting my whole argument on here.

Think for yourself. Expound.

I changed the AOL Instant Messenger chat name again.

kocky sumabeeach

YES. You read that right: cocky sonuvabitch.

I thought it went well with JOHN DAT DAMN HO. Find the irony and sarcasm in that? I figure, if that's what girls want, that's what girls will get. Hah Hah.

"Shit I.. pause for nothing/ y'all be frontin/ me give my heart to a woman. Not for nothing/ never happen/ I be forever mackin." - Jay-Z, "Big Pimpin"

I have decided to retire the rebel4ce psuedonym as an identity, but not as an attitude. I have painted struggle on myself to remember the pain and the overcoming of it - the true spirit of a rebel force.

But yes, I am working on the next level of my spiritual relationship with the Earth and the universe. Whereas, rebel4ce strictly connected me to people and the movement of such issues as some sort of intellectual solider fighting for what I truly believed to be good, I have adapted a much more intimate relationship with all of the world and the levels of the conscious and subconscious existence.

And this is only the beginning.

So originally, I adopted the name: atmosphere. As I would desire to become one with our surroundings as people and intricate pieces of our nature. The atmosphere dictates our mood, our senses, our respiration - the circulation of life.

Then, it has transcended into a term of being like - not actually being it: atmospheric. (Is that even a word?) And finally: mos|pheric. By hearing the name, a second meaning emerges: most feared. (can you hear it? duh.)

And not in the way that I desire to become a haunting enigma - but one of the things we all fear the most is truth. Truth of all that surrounds us and all that we are, ourselves.

- mos|pheric

the briskness of a spring
morning
in the east bay -
heaven's reminder
that i have it good.

the dj samples the
bart train glide
on the tracks
flirting with the
incense burning inside
my room to my nose
to the outside
through the window
i ride
it's elegant tail.

today is love.
today is poetry.

- mos|pheric

it was written in random, but accepted as an ode to the yayay. peace and one.

the reality of broken promises or broken dreams can never take the luster away from anticipation. [paraphrased]

this isn't an idea i concoted myself, nor is it ground breaking. it's just real. if you are scared of happiness, you fight contentment until you scare it away.

so take a situation where you can find happiness. then you flee, because happiness is uncomfortable - or sometimes a pure pipe dream.

so take a situation where, say - you find someone or something that can truly make you happy (or at least you see the potential of that satisfaction) but because of the past experiences of disappointment you stay where you are safe and that person or that thing is JUST an idea of perfection or satisfaction... so they can never transcend into disappointment.

cuz then - if perfection isn't so perfect - maybe it becomes just that bit harder to believe in the happy ending.

~

the pre-teen dellusions of a more grown-up life

~

the post-graduate renderings of what was or wasn't and what could have been.

so in case you haven't read page one, i have this big soft spot for the WB teen drama, Dawson's Creek. It basically helps me focus on the romantic drama I do and do not have in my life. The show helped me realize I act like a little biaaatch a lot. I need tapes of this season. I've fallen behind. I know, I know - blasphemy.

on one of my older pages, i labelled a section called "SOUL". in this section i included newspaper clippings and pieces that gave me inspiration or have fed something to my heart, brain.. or.. SOUL.

so, here is where i ask from you.

what are the stories, the songs, the poems, the books, the magazines, the movies that inspire you or add that nudge of passion everytime you read it or come across it, somehow?

please, share with me.

SHARE or sign the guestbook.

something in this tv show today hit on this: the bliss of anticipation - kick back and relish in the what could have been versus what never was. the fantasy is so enchanting.

so they were joking around with you, right? they said that was you, ooh, but what to them was a joke, was some sort of ironic reality for me. yes, josephine, you are the what could but never will be.

on the tv she mentioned something about being seen, about truly being seen - and just for the good and the potential person that she could very well become. she spoke of your story and mine. you as the star, and me as the tragic nothing of something.

you are worth seeing, just for the good part. the bad, well.. we all have our faults, but yours do not come close to damaging the luster of good. if it is your job to - disbelieve. well in the balance of our world, it is my job to believe. and i accept such a responsibility.

you can discredit yourself, your worth, your satisfaction. you can reject the fact that you do deserve the simplicity of happiness. but i will believe. i believe in your happiness.

we do not have to agree. but maybe sometime, we can see eye to eye, just so i can appreciate the honesty of the moment.

love,
the windswept heartbeat

2/21/2002 9:26:56 PM
i am scared to listen to the All That You Leave Behind CD just because of its sonic crippling. hmm, over dramatic? yeah. oh well.

2/3/2002 9:24:43 PM
U2. See, I saw them setting up the stage and it was basically the same stage that they had at the concert. I have the DVD.. prolly the same set up on there too. So, since I seen it already, I decided to go for the other option. REAL REASON I DIDN'T WATCH? Well, the set-up WAS the concert set-up.. and well.. it brings such a bittersweet feeling.. good memories with.. well.. bad lasting results. Like I posted before, U2 reminds me of HER. Seeing the concert type thang just makes it worse.

12/28/2001 9:25:55 AM
then i get lectured.. and brought back to earff.
now, U2 doesn't hurt anymore.

12/25/2001 11:17:32 PM
the past few days have been extremely emotionally taxing for me, but I haven't been able to cry, though I've been on the verge numerous times. I really need to. I do. Something's holding me back. I think when I cry, I will be okay.

Had to deal with cleansing procese (prah-seez) the past two days:
1) hit up the spot in the city where we chilled, by myself, shunning my family on Christmas Eve. I couldn't be around anyone, I just couldn't. Spent some quality time to myself. It was a beautiful night.
2) erased two set numbers on my Phone List on my celly. Not because I don't plan on talking to her ever again... it's just that if i don't have the numbers memorized.. i won't call. I CAN'T without the number. Ironic thing, she called earlier and I cancelled the call. I went to the Call Log to erase the number so I wouldn't have access to it, but when I erased it, it showed the number and I caught a quick glimpse of it. I have it memorized.
3) the aforementioned "cancelled call".

FOOLISH THINGS?
- I'm still drowning myself in my sorrows though: listening to U2 and repeating NSync's "Selfish"

2/24/2001 3:25:44 AM
... remember how i posted that it is really difficult to listen to certain music as it pertains to certain people or thing or situations.. and i mentioned that U2 gave me that type of emotional warfare between my ears and my the rest of my insides...
... well, I have replaced Wu Tang - Iron Flag, which has grown on me a lot that past week, with U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind. I dig self-inflicted torture. Someone put me on a No Harm Contract "I, John, agree to not listen to U2 or the dawson's creek CDs until I don't dig _______ anymore."

12/18/2001 12:15:04 AM
Anyway, it's extremely hard to listen to U2 at times. Relates to things.. hits the lymbic system and shit. U2 is dope, but you know.. when they're associated to certain memories and whatnot.. it kinda sucks to reminisce. You know, after a bad breakup in 1997.. the 1995-1997 slow songs were all taboo. Hmm. Oh well. [from fingertip aggression.]

I will start checking my horoscope more frequently and occassionally post some interesting exceprts. I will comment on it most of the time, sometimes I'll just let y'all marinate on it.

I've also been checking other people's horoscopes to see how they pertain to mine. I've been playing the observer game and without saying anything or giving any forewarning, I've been waiting to see if any coincidental things happen that the horoscopes mention. Yeah, I'm silly.

Yet, for some reason, none of them feel that getting into a relationship with me is smart or worth risking what they have with me already. (OR DID if in the past). That's cool - fine. I'll take that.

So, the interesting thing is... will the next girl who will vibe with me on that deeper level just appreciate me on that - you're interesting level or that - damn, I dig your soul lemme be your girlfriend level???

And, please don't think i'm obsessed or desperate - it's just that I realized today that in those situations I give my all and more. Sometimes I feel under appreciated. Other times I don't know what the hell to do. Anyways, I'll explain that more later.

April 16, 2002

"You have no choice but to end your day tying up the loose ends that others abandon as they race off on their personal quests. Someone has to turn off the lights and lock the door, so it might as well be you. Again."

Heart ache #1 - First Love

Benefits? It was the first love. The first connection on that level. It was hard to get over, but once I did.. I'm able to go back and laugh at the sweetness of most of the memories (when someone loved me simply).

Heart ache #2 - First real connection after the first love

Benefits? Made me realize how picky I am. Not sure what I want.. but I'm sure of what I don't want. I'm glad to have been able to connect so easily. Plus, something about her aura made me start writing up a storm. Haven't stopped (completely) since.

Heart ache #3 - Second Love

Benefits? After the long struggle to get over the first love at times I thought I couldn't feel that deeply for another person. Well, I did. That's contentment. The next steps are easier.

[someone]: what advice could i give u... i dunno how to put it
[someone]: its well.... like this
[someone]: you're like a mentor
[someone]: sorry
kocky sumabeeach: haha mentor?
[someone]: yeah.. .like for me
[someone]: well
kocky sumabeeach: explain
[someone]: let's see
kocky sumabeeach: just say it.. don't pussy foot it
[someone]: i feel like i could really connect to you... prolly more so then most people i ever met....
[someone]: and still to this day
[someone]: because i can go back on things from the past
[someone]: and smile and shake my head
[someone]: and laugh and totally understand u...
[someone]: what was going through your head during certain times
[someone]: and u intrigued me
[someone]: but for some reason... although it would have worked...
[someone]: i didnt want to overstep the boundaries with you...
[someone]: because i truly looked up to you and respected u
[someone]: and hoped that i always would be able to see u that way
[someone]: that's not bullshit even though it sounds like it

Just realized today that 11 hours of my life is dedicated to work every day (excluing weekends.) There is the fluctuating 2 hours of commute (morning and night combined), 8 hours of work, and 1 hour lunch which is usually used to comment about work with the workmates.

That's a whole lot of time.

Once again, there's been quite a long hiatus. Been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs and basically I haven't wanted to write about them. Maybe that's why it was eating me up. Anyway, I'm moving on and I'm just trying to write more.

The Sunset Flip is back. After running into exile, the Sunset Flip has emerged from the ashes of The Acoustic Equalizer to give you a quick poke in the eye:

Grapple Rock

The next generation of Johnisms regarding the ridiculous world of sports entertainment. (That's pro wrestling you dorks.)

I was raised on praying right before going to sleep, but as the days have gone on since I realized the disparity between religion and spirituality, I've drifted from the Catholic rituals I grew up with.

But, at the moment, that is all I know. I wished at the time that I had someone spiritual near me, who I can drag to a park and just meditate either through silence or conversation. And though I still desire such a person to exist, I knew that grabbing hold of some form of spirtuality is better than nothing.

So, I threw out my hand and was guided through a short prayer of faith and need of understanding.

- may 29, 2002

Want Ad:
A spiritual confidante who is not bound to religion but dedicated to spirituality. Must be willing to engage in long conversations and random walks at the park. Incense optional.

Want Ad:
Cool ass girl who's down for the Roots, J5, Outkast and wants to attend the Smokin Grooves show at the Shoreline Ampitheatre, July 18. Single status preferred. Free show exchanged for an innocent back massage.

I have a whole bag load of those cheesey, melodramatic one-liners.

[Act X, Scene X] (X is the variable, not the MPA rating)
two college aged friends are discussing the recent trials and tribulations regarding romance one has been experiencing.

Remy: This isn't a heart break though.
Henny: What would you call it then?
Remy: I think it's more of a heart ache. It's not like there were any expectations, you know.
Henny: Yeah, but your heart still loves, and it can still break even with the lowest of expectations.
Remy: True. But isn't it silly that I'm letting myself get caught up so much with someone who I don't think I will ever have a chance to truly love?
Henny: Love never made any sense.
Remy: You know what makes no sense is that, well, we're just friends you know, me and her. And despite the fact that there is no such thing as US, there actually IS an US.
Henny: Well, maybe it's time for you to move on then. Maybe you need to make a decision for both of you.
Remy: (laughs) geez, a decision for us and we're not even involved.
[silence]
Remy: You know, sometimes I just wanna be cocky and say that she doesn't mean anything to me.
Henny: but...
Remy: I'm not cocky.
[end scene]

changes since the last outing?

- i've been called a good kisser. *secret*
- I finally got a PS2 and am on my way to becoming a master golfer
- I've turned in my letter of resignation
- I went on my first party bus
- I've accepted things and am moving on.

Check the wedding post: I fell in love with one of my friends' friends for two hours. Vibrant personality. Got me like that? I'm such an easy bitch.

- 08.13.02

Whatever.. some are, some aren't. Don't generalize.

Okay - so let me get this out: Just because a guy is willing to dig into your mental first and foremost before trying to dig into your panties - just because a guy digs friendship and connection over senseless flings - just because a guy wants to be a gentleman versus being a greasey.ass.pig does not mean he is void of natural urges or the need for affection.

So I impose the NiGuNA2 Movement:

Nice Guys Need Ass Too.

I resolved, the past few months, to living a life of singlehood because that marriage thing.. and that love thing are just too much damn drama. I'm not scared of committment - I'm just picky. And it's not that I DON'T want that family life - I DO. I want to raise children - I want that challenge. I want that success. But, I see married folks - and I see problems. Unneeded drama - most of the time. I only want to go through that crap with someone worth it.

It's like.. at every work place/ industry there will be the most fucked up politics - but you deal with it, because it's worth it. Translate that into marriage.

But, to tell you the truth - seeing a fun, short, contemporary wedding and then a traditional (yet fun) wedding in a row made me re-appreciate the beauty of the moment and the life that is being created. Cheesey. Yeah. True though.

So I re-analyzed my stance: I think it's okay to get married. *sigh*

I hold onto t-shirts, toys, postcards, greeting cards, priceless momentos that my parents give me - no matter how insignificant they are now - just for the mere fact that they gave it to me.

The first gift that my parents offered me was FAITH.

And that is the thing I turn away the most. It hurts to realize that.

I understand that spirituality and faith are personal - and I am not supposed to be attending to the Church of Mom (even though that's what most of us Filipinos do). Yet, there is an eternal feeling of guilt that my parents believed in enough - enough in the good of the religion that they would offer it to me - and here I am turning it away.

So, it's time to start deconstructing that wall I have built - not to jump in, but so that I can walk through the doors - get the good, try to change the bad - but just accept instead of being so defiant (even though there are a lot of reasons to be defiant).

this is the first step.

I.
I went to NY, but decided to come back before I even went.

II.
I quit my job, but decided to come back to more responsibility.

III.
I let someone go, but decided to let her come back - but this time it's different. This time the random moment of confusion won't lead to a world of misery and upset stomachs. This time I run the show because there is no show.

IV.
Just like Snoop fell in love with his kids and his wife again - I've fallen in love with prose again.

To their inquiry I responded, "Don't recognize it? Oh yeah, it's from the year you stopped being my friend." They just laughed.

I just laughed.

But the other day, I received an email from a complete stranger. For some reason, she found rhyme and reason or something worthwhile to read - and was touched. At least for a second enought to thank me.

Well, thank you. THANK YOU. This is why I am back.

It really is strange how complete strangers can affect us in such profound ways.

- Write my books - even if they suck - just write them, complete them, and edit them.
- Write and deliver deeply personal and revealing letters to the people who I have neglected the most
- Put on paper the list of what I had to do after coming back from New York, that I created in New York - which I have forgotten since coming back from New York.
- Start doing what I listed on that list created in New York.
- Finish the short stories I have started.
- Create the websites I wanted to create.
- Catalog my poems and create a binder/physical archive of them.
- Clean my frickin room.
- Keep writing my lists.

- [01.12.03]

I was thinking about how being in a somewhat secluded world, like Davis was for me, was so comforting and engaging. It was such a good feeling to walk out the door and to be able to walk to a whole mess of different people's places to just chill - or to study - or to party - or to whatever. It was such a great chance to give each other support and to receive it.

Nowadays - even if the closest friends I had in college leave only 5 minutes or less away from me - I rarely see them, talk to them, or even think of them. A few years ago, they were my world. Now, some are just a distant footnote to one of the best times of my life. (And I know I'm the same to them.)

It's natural to grow and change and move on - I accept that. But why do we forget so easily? Did we not really mean that much to each other in the first place? I remember thanking the world during my props-speech at FilGrad - but I couldn't give a second's worth of time remembering everyone on that list. That's sombering.

I know that time was what it was - and I definitely cherish that. But sometimes I still feel it's a shame that those times couldn't have matured and grown the way we have since experiencing them.