HOW TO ROLL A PROPER JOINT

Once your stash is assured, buy rolling papers. You'll find papers in head shops where they sell pot paraphernalia. Choose papers appropriate to the occasion: white for dressy events; black for formal affairs like funerals and operas; American flag papers for July Fourth; candy-cane striped ones for Christmas. You may even hand paint your own papers.

Use one-and-a-quarter inch papers as the added length produces a longer joint and reduces the number of joints you will need to roll. This is a good preventative against the perils of the dreaded Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Use two papers. A single paper joint is weak and effete and subject to breaking easily. There are few things worse than sorely needing a fat joint to stave off a lumbago attack and find your only joint is broken and unsmokable. Two papers will double its strength and keep it intact.

Lick one glued edge and stick it on the unglued edge of the second paper. Fold a 1/4" crease on the unglued edge and put the pot in the crease. Roll it between fingers and thumbs a la John Wayne, lick the remaining glued edge, and stick it to the joint.

Lightly twist one end, apply a match to it, inhale deeply and hold your breath for several seconds. The THC from the pot will surge through your bloodstream and revitalize your health while a sappy grin slowly spreads across your face.

If some or all of this isn't clear, I'll happily answer individual queries on the Art of Rolling Zen Joints. My fee is one fat joint of quality pot per query.