My Testimony
Hey, the
following is quite breathtaking. It will take a long time to read. So be
forewarned!
This is my testimony, a testimony as to how I came to Christ. I do not profess to
be a 'Jesus freak', as some people in the West may call Christians to be. What
I believe is that we are one people in Christ; that we are called to be His
people in this world; that if we believe in Christ and Christ alone, we will
come to God our Father and shall have eternal life. It does not matter what
race or nationality you belong to. That is the great thing about having a
loving heavenly Father!
I first came into contact with Christianity when I was at the age of 13. It
took place in the school I went to in Singapore – St. Andrew's. Being an
Anglican school, it is natural for the school chapel to conduct evangelistic
meetings to reach out to the new batch of students. It was the first time I
came to know Christ, and I am really happy to know that there is a caring
Father up there. For the first time, my heart warmed up for no apparent reason
and I was so happy that I decided to raise my hand up when they asked everyone
if there was any who was willing to seek Him. Raised my hand I did but to go up
and receive the prayer of salvation I fail to. Indeed my courage fell through
knowing full well that I do have the answer there.
I live in a family where love is never shown outwardly. I live in a family that
is not well to do, which is considered lower middle class by Singapore
standards. I live with family members who are rather insular in nature. I live
with a sister who gets angry for no apparent reason, and who thinks of herself
as high and mighty. I live with a father who works hard for the family and does
not come back home until late in the night, and goes out early the next day to
work. I live with a mother who tries to look after the family, who oversees
both my sister and my lives, who tries to control both of us so that we will
not be misled.
Now when I got back from school that very first day I went to the chapel, I
became so excited about Christ that I told my mother and sister about
everything. About how we will be donating voluntarily our money to the church
so that we can help people, about this person called 'Christ'. Remembering that
I was only 13 then, my sister and mother probably thought of this as a new and
fresh experience, something that I share with them to sort of brighten up their
lives. From then onwards, I did not actually think too much about Christianity
actually. I was more preoccupied with other things: taking on a new identity in
a new school, making friends, attempting to get good marks to get to the top
class, trying to plan out my future, going out with friends, and so on. I did
not consider God any longer, although I still attend weekly chapel services,
although the pastor there still talked to me and invited me for a series of
meetings, although my friends still gave me brochures about various Christian
activities. It just does not occur to me that I will have more joy in these
activities rather than the way I was.
When I was a year wiser, I received a small pocket Bible that was a present
from the school. I was happy to receive it. The words however were small.
Still, it was something that I am happy to have. One day, I was talking to my
sister. I do not know why, but we came to the topic of Christ, and I told her
about the chapel once again, and about the Bible that I have just received. I
don't know what she was thinking about, but a few weeks later it came as a
surprise to me when she announced to mother and me that she has decided to
become a Christian. My sister is more headstrong and stubborn than me; even my
mother cannot do anything about it sometimes. So my sister got her way, and she
started to attend church regularly every Sunday. So it came to pass that every
Sunday morning there would only be my mother and I at home. My father will be
out at work as usual.
Then one Sunday, that rare Sunday when my father was at home, my parents
decided to stop my sister from attending church. I do not know what is the
actual reason, if there is one. All I overheard is my mother telling my sister
that she cannot go to church because she needs to study for her exams, which is
approaching. Well my sister made a lot of fuss, and she really cried and
argued. Still my parents prevailed for the day and my sister sulkily returned
to bed. Relations between them have been tense since. Even my sister's Bible
was confiscated and I had to lend her the small pocket Bible that I got from
school.
It was at that time that my awareness for God began to surface again. I like to
sing the hymns that we have every morning and evening before and after school.
Hymns like Amazing Grace and Glorious Things of Thee Art Spoken.
After that particular Sunday, the following day, we were singing a hymn as
usual. I was angry with God that such a thing should happen in my family, and I
argued with Him in my mind. Why must you do this to my sister? Why must you
let such a thing happen? Harboring such thoughts, I decided that I would not
sing the words ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ or ‘Lord’ whenever they appear. A childish
thought then, but it really struck me as being reasonable.
Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit, or maybe it was my understanding. Nevertheless,
it struck me gradually that I should not be doing this. The hymn would have
lost its quality, its nice sounds that I love to listen to. A few weeks later,
I decided not to carry this further. I made an effort then to sing louder and
better, so as to make up for the loss before. The situation at my home just got
worse. My mother started to keep tabs on my sister tightly. She made sure that
she knows her whereabouts, and that she comes home from school straight away.
And her tongue will always be lashing at my sister should she start sulking or
should she play any of those Christian tapes she has.
Life resumes back to normal after a while. Yet how long did that 'while' take
to appear! Both my mother and sister got on speaking terms, yet their
relationship is never the same again. My sister got distant from my mother, and
from my father and me as well. She kept more to herself, talking over the phone
far longer than talking to any of the family members. Life passes on as usual
for me. I have no more thoughts about Christianity, although I still attend
chapel regularly and talked to the pastor at times after service or when I meet
him downstairs at the canteen. Yet how I long to attend a church service
someday! My heart just pulled whenever the pastor invited me over to church on
any particular Sunday. Yet when I thought of my mother and her forbidding looks
and talks about how Christianity will cause me to ostracise people and become
cold, I would be hesitant and reluctant. And I will cry at nights when I am
awake.
I took my 'O' levels at 16 - the stage where I develop growing awareness. A
time when I start to find out more about the world around me. My sister got
into a polytechnic, and was enjoying her later months of her first year when I
decided to apply for a junior college, or what Americans will call, high
school. God was kind to me. I got far better results than I would expect, and
managed to get into one of the top five colleges in Singapore. It was at this
college that I met a graduate of the college who came back to do evangelistic
work.
There was nothing special about her approach, nor anything unusual about her.
She approached us asking if we would want to do some self-assessment tests. I
do not really recall much about whatever happened after. I know that both my
friend and I did them, but when it came to hearing the analysis, I was the only
one who could make it. Somehow the conversation turned to Christianity and she
invited me to one of her fellowship meetings. I was hesitant, but decided to
take the plunge. So I attended one of the meetings, and I really enjoyed it.
Although I do not understand why one of them would choke over the bread during
communion at that time! Yet I did not really pursue any further, and this
friend of mine gradually lost contact with me as time goes by, because of her
studies.
However at that time I started to consider myself as a Christian. I would tell
my friends that I am a Christian whenever they ask me. However when they ask me
if I have a church, I would tell them that it is not necessary to attend a
church even though you are a Christian! It was just a cover then. Yet gradually
I came to believe in what I was saying as well, and none of my few Christian
friends invited me to their churches anymore.
Time flew by ... I got involved in college life and had fun. Problems, studies,
and friendship problems … all these come and go. Christianity was not exactly
at the top of my priorities as well. I sat for my 'A' Level papers, and took
the longest break from studies I ever have. I got a job as a packer for a month
before I was supposed to enter the Army for my National Service, and it still
did not dawn onto me that I could really read the Bible during this period of
time while I was free.
It was God's plans that I meet another person who helped me in my search for
Christ. She is an insurance agent, and still is, though she is working with
World Vision currently. She came knocking to my flat one day, to sell some
insurance policy. I was already thinking ahead about my financial status, how I
am going to pay for my university fees, which scholarships should I apply for
and so on. So when she came in it was a good timing as I could think further
about my future. What a surprise. We did not talk about insurance after that
first meeting. I remember we talked about Christianity soon after our first
meeting. 18 ... and talking to another older person when you don't even know
her well! Still, I did not make any decision then to follow Christ. She wrote
to me in a letter then, wishing me well in my search for Him. I was touched
really, despite the fact that I did not buy any policy from her, and yet she
still maintained contact with me then. It is a shame that I broke off the
contact a little after I entered the Army, because of the hectic lifestyle.
God was again kind to me. I got good results for the 'A' levels. Good enough to
apply for a scholarship for overseas studies. I was debating whether I should
apply for a local or overseas scholarship then. Somehow something inside me prompted
me to apply for an overseas scholarship. So against my mother's protests, I
applied for an overseas scholarship to five organisations. Throughout that
period of time when I alternate between training in the Army for five days and
attending scholarship talks and interviews and reading up brochures on overseas
studies, I did not for one moment consider what it would mean for a search in
my faith. What I know is that I will be able to have a certain amount of
freedom, that I will be able to study overseas and have an experience not many
will have. And how true it is soon to be.
I came to United Kingdom in the autumn of 1996. Having obtained a scholarship
successfully, my newfound friends and I landed in London, eager to explore and
eager to see. We soon settled quickly in the city, though not quite accustomed
to the slower pace of life in England as a whole. It was here that I finally
get the chance to attend church services. Yet it was not with joy that I attend
them. Rather I was 'forced' to attend them because everyone in my flat has
decided to attend one of the morning services, and since they found out that I
consider myself as a Christian, they asked me to come along.
Sermons come and go. They seem like lectures to me. Still, I enjoy the hymns, the
nice feeling of being in a church with a unique architecture. There was however
a sense of spiritual deadness within me. Do I see myself as a Christian still
then? Yes, maybe. My friend had been urging me to attend a fellowship group
back then, and yet I was hesitant. All these years of hesitance and fear of my
mother has actually made me dead and hesitant about joining such activities,
even though I am now in London alone and away from my family. The best was yet
to come though.
I am socially active in London. I go to disco functions, enjoy cookouts with
friends, and love attending any formal events if I have the chance to. And it
was in such a social event that I finally meet someone - that someone who pointed
me to Christ; someone whose approach had a special effect onto me. I got a
ticket to attend a Singapore function held in one of the hotels in London. My
other two flat mates got tickets as well. With excitement – since it was the
first formal function that I am going to - we attended the function promptly.
Dinner was good. The wine was good. There was a lot of joking and exchanges of
well wishes as we came to see people we have not seen for quite some time. A
variety show was put up, and we had the chance to enjoy each other's company in
a Singaporean setting. We took a lot of photos as well. We people were just so
crazy over photos because it was the first time we see each other in formal
outfits.
It was while taking photos that I saw that person. We are complete strangers,
to be honest. I approached her group in the first place, and started talking to
those other people in the group because I happened to know them. And all of a
sudden, she started talking to me when she heard my name being mentioned. 'You
know so and so, don't you?' was that starting line. So we talked, but for a
little while. Strangers, you see. Why would you want to talk to a stranger for
anything longer than a few seconds?
God does not let that pass. If anything, He was more determined to pull me in.
She came by a little later, standing beside me. Both of us starting talking
again as the music starts to play. All my friends were on the dance floor,
while I was down there talking to a perfect stranger whom I have only
acknowledged a while ago! The usual talk, the usual jokes, the usual
conversation topics that we will have. And then, I sprouted that question that
is to lead me on for days to come: "Are you a Christian?" And then I
started telling her all about me not being baptised, that I am a Christian,
that I attend church here but not in Singapore, and so on and so forth. She
looked at me, and then started to share with me her situation, which is
remarkably similar to mine. We have so many things in common! Now, is that
strange or what?
We maintained contact after that night through emails. At first it was just
some sort of casual emails, emails asking after each other, emails with stories
attached to them. Gradually, however I started to share with her many things
that I do not share with other people. Things like how I used to steal when I
was young, how I used to cheat, how I used to get back at people. It just came
out. I got depressed and she sensed it. An invitation to her place followed. I
agreed.
It was fairly cool, not cold, when I went up to Leeds. Bright, yet not entirely
sunny. She was sitting at the coach station waiting for me. I almost could not
recognise her. She looks a little different from that night I saw her. Well,
different times and different environments. We had a bit of small talk all the
way to her church, where she had a practice going on ... time passed, and soon
I was at her house, where she cooked dinner for her flat mate and me. We had a
good time over dinner, but the real matter is yet to come.
We sat at the living room after dinner and started talking. It all came. I told
her about my other sins, how a male music exam teacher tried making advances at
me, how I got so repulsed by that to the extent that I could not play the
piano, my other sins ... it came, and I really cried my heart out. The answer
was obvious. Trust in Him, and He will cleanse me. I struggled with
that, really. If not for the insistence of my friend to think, I would probably
have tried dodging the issue. Trust, I did. I put my faith in Him, and we had a
prayer about this. I confessed my dependence on Him, and profess there and then
to be a disciple of Christ.
No miracles, no bursts of lights or anything like that, just a heavy burden that
persisted even after I confessed. Whatever happened to all the fantasy things I
heard and read in the Bible? It’s all right for me. Miracles just start
happening after I came back to London. My few small problems were resolved
almost immediately from the time I stepped into London. I was able to share
with the fellowship group after that, and I am able to be a good light to my flat
mates, who have not been walking with God for a long time. I have really grown
spiritually, to the extent that many people are surprised that I am changed. Am
I a good light to the world now? Not really. I still have much more to learn
and to go.
My mother was upset
when I revealed to her my decision a few weeks after I believed. It was a
turbulent time for me over summer when I was in Singapore. In fact, it was like
this every time I came back for holidays. Sometimes I just wish I were back in
London, pursuing my dreams and serving God actively. Yet I know this is not the
case. God wants me to go back to Singapore, because that is where He wants me
to be. In fact, He has given me many assurances when I am in trials I do not
comprehend. ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you’ (Hebrews
13:5) He has blessed me many times, and has delivered me from situations too.
Yet I know that the most precious gift in all of eternity He has given me is the
salvation and the promise of eternal life. One I would never receive from
anyone else in this earthly life. I still strive to be the person He wants me
to be, and by God’s grace, you shall see me in that perfect form when we are
all in heaven meeting up with our Abba Father!
Are there any troubles you are having? Is there anything that you would want to
know more? I invite you to email to me, so that you will come to know more
about Him. There are no monetary costs to following Him. There is only one: 'If
anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and
follow me.' (Matthew 16:25) So where are you today, friend?
Thank you
for being so patient by reading through right to the end. Now do you have any questions?
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