By Justin Mazzola

Bielecki's Note: The following is Justin Mazzola's account of he and I watching the United States vs. Germany soccer match in the 2002 World Cup, held in China or something. The participants apologize in advance for any offense they may cause, as it was early in the morning and they were probably drunk and belligerent.

Jon Bielecki: They had a moment of silence for some German player who died.
Justin Mazzola: And 6 million Jews.

After ref makes a bad call against Landon Donovan...
JM: The ref looks German.
JB: Yea, he does.

1:18 (into the game)
Jack Edwards: "We'd like to thank Budweiser for bringing us this portion of play uninterrupted."
JM: And for getting me drunk several times a week in college.

4:36
JM: Did Paul McCartney win the "Be a Ref for a Day" contest?

6:53
Jack Edwards just used "vociferous" in a sentence. It's the biggest word I've ever heard at 740am.

9:40
Lewis misses a free kick. I love lip-reading.

13:50
JB: No cards yet.
JM: Yea, last game the ref was Mexican.
JB: Or Afghani.
JM: Al-Queda, I think.

18:07
Jack Edwards: "Donovan has a deadly left foot."
JM: He once killed a man with that foot.

18:56
Camera cuts to entire stadium cam
JB: Great angle. Cut to the space cam. 'We're in THIS country... live!'

22:36
Ziege is pissed.
JB: What a big angry German. I hate skinheads.

26:31
German coach is yelling
JM: Hey! My hair doesn't match my mustache!
JB: Shizer! Shizer!

29:42
Donovan passes out of bounds
Jack Edwards: That's not what Donovan wanted.
JB: Ya think???

31:46
JB: I don't like that ref. See how he holds the flag like that? Heil!

37:49
Jack Edwards: Fring takes a ding.
Pure poetry, Jack.

38:11
Germany scores
JB and JM (in unison): FUCK!!!

43:57
JM: I can't find my pencil. I lost it when I punched the bed.

43:12
Germany heads a ball off post
JB and JM (in unison): Oh my GOD!

44:09
JB: Look at all those Koreans w/ American Flags.
JM: Thank you for protecting us from North Korea.

HALFTIME (SportsCenter)
SportsCenter anchor: In response to the girl who was hit my a puck, the NHL...
JM: Will hand out helmets to all fans.

54:26
Jack Edwards: The US is prodding and probing the German defense.
JB/JM (in unison): ILL!

??:??
Pandemonium as the US scores

One minute later, goal is disallowed. We're both angry.

67:02
JM:Ya think the ref has black patches on the armpits of his shirt to hide sweat marks?

71:03
A US player helps a German off the pitch
JM: Don't do that. These are Nazis!

73:49
JM: Cobi Jones got a haircut. I bet haircuts are cheaper in South Korea.

75:12
JM: (something about the radio, Bob Lund, etc.)

88:00
JB jumps up and down as a US header goes off the side of the net. We thought it was in.

End of Game
The TV flashes a black and white pic of some German guy in the top corner of the screen. We're cracking up. I think one of us said, "Breaking news. THIS man has been caught outside the stadium."

German guy hugs Reyna
JB (in his best German accent): I want to make love to you tonight...

German coach shakes hands w/ American player, who whispers something.
JM: Just for Men, dude. Try it.