Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Chapter the First
50 years from now . . .

Major Thor sat in an easy chair, nursing his overgrown 72 year old belly with a bottle of brandy and a twelve pack of Brew. He burped; a pathetic little thing really, hardly released any of the gas he would have liked it to. "Ugh," he moaned "mania and indigestion, mania and indigestion."

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPOOOOORRRRRFFFFF" It was a small burp as Specialist Sniper Lieutenant Colonel Kniess's burps go, but it was enough to piss off Major Thor.

"Goddammit Gary!" shouted Major Thor, flapping his arms so wildly he knocked over his beer, "if I could get out of this goddam chair and lift my leg high enough, I'd kick your ass!"

"Aw hell." L. Colonel Kniess retorted stoically. He looked over at Major Thor and blew him a waft of the sardine and sauerkraut sandwich he had eaten for lunch.

"GODDAMMIT!!!!!" Thor took a long draught of Brandy to silence his olfactory senses, he didn't want to smell secondhand sardine sandwich. He reached for the remote and flipped on Gary's 94.3 inch T.V./entertainment/virtual-sex system. A news report flashed across the screen. Eberhard Brokaw, grandson of the Great One, stammered nervously into the camera. "This is a day that will live in infamy. America has been attacked again. The significance of today's attack ranks among the darkest days in our nations history along side Pearl Harbor and September 11, 2001 . . ."

"Aw hell” added Gary.

"Jesus!" quipped Thor.

Young Brokaw continued". . . yes the 48th Eskimo Airborne Division has invaded the United States via Eskimo airbases in Quebec." Eskimos, allied with Mexicans, had conquered Canada in the Great Esko-Mexican Imperialist War of 2039-47. "As I speak, Eskimo paratroopers are dropping into the streets of Saukville, the 4th biggest city in the nation. The 181st Eskimo tank division is currently rolling through the U.P., along with 4 Mechanized Mexican Ranger brigades. Analysts are guessing that they are heading toward the most holy site in all of America. Yes, they are heading for the core of America, the Lifeblood of America, all that we hold dear and proud, they are heading for Lambeau Field.

"Aw hell" said Gary.

"Jesus" said Thor. Thor looked over at Gary. The two made eye contact and nodded, they knew what they had to do. Gary picked up the dusty red phone attached to the side of his armchair, and dialed.


Colonel Helmet was naked again. He wheeled his shiny little chair through the Port Washington retirement facility, (an insane asylum) with Dr. Clithero and his staff of atractive nurses in hot pursuit. "WANG!" he yelled, and once again lit his scrotum hair on fire with a lighter he had smuggled in somehow. "COCK! SCHLONG!" He raced down the hallway and nearly overturned as he rounded the last corner for the safety of his cell. "ERECTION!"

Dr. Clithero was chasing Helmet as best he could but his schlong wrapped itself around his knee tripping him as he tried to pursue the naked Helmet. 50 years of gravity had turned his cock into a wrinkled old grapvine, always tripping him up if it came uncoiled.

Colonel Helmet wheeled into his room, and slammed the door. His phone was ringing. He searched his room and found his cell phone, picked it up and yelled "WANG!" into the reciever. Wrong phone, he looked around his room--it was the red phone. "Holy Asschrist.” He wheeled up to the sacred red phone and picked up the reciever "Hello. WANG! What's happening?"

"Turn on the news, you assfuck" said Gary. Helmet flipped on the news, and saw the info flashed across the screen.

"Fucking Skmos." he muttered, "don't tread on me."




Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
Home/Explaination