Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Chapter the Tenth
"Asschrist, wang, balls, and all hell!" cursed Major Thor. He hopped
around the control bunker on one leg, trying to squeeze into his disguise.
He had forgotten how tight those pants were. The feather which protruded
from his oversized George Washington hat bobbed and weaved furiously about
the room as Major Thor hopped to and fro attempting to squeeze into the
dramatically undersized tight white riding pants. Once he had
successfully
struggled his way into the pants, he pulled on his knee-high shiny black
riding boots, put on his undersized blue coat with oversized yellow
epauldrons on the shoulders, and buckled on his saber. For this mission
the
Highly Irregulars had decided not to disgrace their bodies with the garb
of
the Skmos, but rather to wear the clothing of American greatness. Major
Thor would fight in his George Washington disguise. He placed his right
hand in between the buttons of his coat, hiding his fingers under his left
breast, drew his saber, pointed it towards the heavens and struck a
pompous
pose. The Skmos would be so confused. Fortunately he had had his 18th
century field cannon outfitted with a motorized carriage (similar to
Colonel
Helmet's wheelchair).
Captain Clithero was resplendant head to toe in black. He strutted
elegantly about the room in his handsome suit trying to get in character.
"Four score and ten beers ago . . .". It just wasn't right without the
beard and hat. Major Thor/George Washington assisted the Captain with
glueing on the fake beard. After a brief mishap involving the Major's hat
feather, and the glue, the beard proudly hung from the face of the hung
Captain Clithero. As an added safety measure, the glue was also used to
glue Captain Clithero's wang to his abdomen. Once he placed the grossly
oversized top-hat on his head the disguise was complete. "Four score and
ten beers ago, the Highly Irregulars . . ." The speech drolled on as he
paced about the room.
The fringes from Lieutenant Colonel Kniess's disgustingly tight
buckskin
pants wobbled and dangled as he strutted about the room in his mocasins.
He
put on his buckskin coat and admired himself in the mirror, pursing his
lips
together in an attempt to make an expression of heroism. He picked the
sacred coonskin hat out of its box and placed in on his head. He had made
sure to find a hat with the coon head, and not just the tail, still
afixed.
The unfortunate woodland animal stared blankly out before the brave
commander with eyes which . . . well . . . had rotted away long ago. His
slipped his tomahawk under his belt, slung the powder horn over his
shoulder, and picked up his musket. He felt his ass, covered in taunt
buckskin. He was Davy Crocket indeed, king of the wild frontier.
Colonel Helmet was quite confused by the proceedings. He sat in his
wheelchair in the corner of the room, smoking and shaking his head, saying
"What!? I'm so confused. Are you Napoleon? Oh, George Washington.
Sorry,
I should have known. What the wang-backed asschrist!? I am so so
confused.
Wang dude. Wang indeed. Asschrist wang balls and all hell, what am I
going to wear?" But there really was only one costume for the courageous
Colonel Helmet. Honest Abe, Mr. Crocket, and George with his small tree
but
large cherries approached their fearless but confused commander and stood
about him in a ring, each holding something behind his backs. "Jesus, are
you guys gonna rape me?!" Colonel helped questioned fearfully. "Come on,
fucking say something?" The three commandos were silent. "Wang, balls,
and
all hell, what's going on?" Major Thor flinched, his shoulders dropped
and
he brought forth the helmet. The bronze helmet of a Roman centurion,
resplendant with the melodramatically oversized crest of the great
Manules.
Lt. Colonel Kniess produced his hidden honor--the breastplate of Manules.
It was hammered bronze, like the breastplates of old, rippled with
muscules
and an admirable 6-pack, worked to reflect the actual anatomy of the
wearer
(or in this case some other wearer, fortunately). Captain Clithero
produced
his hidden treasure. The leather loinbelt, sandals, and sword of the
great
one. The Colonel rose from his chair, tears came to his eyes and he wept.
How long had it been? How long since the great Manules had danced in the
throbbing heat of battle? Where had the heroes gone? Where had the
warriors gone? Where had all the beer gone? All gone, lost in the wind,
and all this world rolls into emptiness. Cattle die, kinsmen die, he
himself would one day die, but he knew a thing that would never die--the
fame a man must win in battle. He placed the homoerotically crested
helmet
on his head. The Highly Irregulars wept to see it. That masculine face,
graced in bronze, somehow so sexually appealing. The colonel stood, his
pants fell to the ground. "Wang." he intoned as he slipped on his leather
belt, his plump, plush, and hairy ass exposed, three leather thongs hung
in
front of his wang. He put on the sandals. The weaping of the highly
irregulars grew louder. He took up the sword, the gladius of the Roman
legions. He raised it towards the heavens and the battletrance descended
upon him. The room grew bright with a mysterious light which eminated
from
the burlesque warrior. A choir could be heard singing. And Manules
whispered, though the words thundered in the ears of the Highly
Irregulars:
And I know that I danced
on a high phallic pole
nine long nights
pierced by a shaft
given myself to myself
a sacrifice to the Irregulars
no one knows about that pole
from what deep roots it arises.
Wang balls and all hell
the Highly Irregulars are really swell.
Wang balls and all hell
Skmos listen for your deathknell.
Colonel Helmet looked into the brave faces of his warriors--honest Abe,
General Washington, Davy Crocket (King of the Wild Frontier), faces true
and
bold. And the thunderous and lisping voice of Manules rang through the
caverns of the Highly Irregular Command and Control Bunker
"LET IT BEGIN!!!"
"WANG!"
Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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