Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- 12 chapter
Skmo Commander Oligotwonton slowly stirred in his hatred for this land.
It was nothing like home, the women were too tall, the beers too large,
the
weather too warm, and the animals too prudish. Yes, prudish were the
animals he had discovered. Back home seal, whale and polar bear alike
would
jump at the chance to be seduced and violated by a attractive skmo as
himself. But here....no here.....it was different. the animals would
run.
the animals would hide. the animals would put up a fight, bite, kick,
snarl,
hiss, and bite again. it was such a hassle to obtain satisfaction from
the
local wildlife.
It was rumered that some of his men had resorted to homosexuality (more
than normal) after a rank and file private was mutilated beyond
recognition
while trying to secure some wild love from a badger. apparently the wild
love was just a bit too wild for him.
Oligotwonton laughed at his own joke for a moment, he had made a funny.
"egh tuko braino" (i so smart) he chuckled to himself.
then he was all business, as he looked down and discovered that he bore
a
fully developed skmo erection. "uuuuuugh bontos" (what a boner) he
exclaimed as his eyes fixated on all 2.6 inches of his glorious manhood.
If
he was this sexually frustrated, all his men would be. something had to
be
done.
And on top of all this bad news, Oligotwonton's advance to the lucious
virgin ass of nebraska had been halted. Many of his top liutenants agreed
that with the sudden insurgence of the Highly Irregulars he would be safer
in a small out of the way town north of Milwaukee. the top aides agreed
that the irregulars would concentrate thier offensive thier, in order to
split his lines and surround the advancing skmos in southern wisconsin.
His
top aides also agreed that the Moody Blues was the best rock band off all
time and that the never got the attention they deserved. Also agreed to
by
the top liutennants was that orange was never really an actual color in
its
own right, because it was just an offshoot of red.
The top aids spent approxamatly one week developing, revising, and
adopting a resolution outlining thier position on the matter. The actual
right of the color orange to exist was at first attacked and then
completely
denounced. Arguments were presented in the most logic and eloquent
fashion,
and the resolution ended with the demand that orange officially and
unconditionally step down and relinquish its status as an actual color.
It was obvious to Oligotwonton that his top liutenants really had there
shit together, so when they showed him a map of wisconsin and pointed out
a
small town labled saukville, he immediatly took thier advice and traveled
there by way of dogsled. Upon his arrival his convoy was accosted by an
odd
creature known as an erectituse. It is a small, phallic shaped marmet
that
stands on its hind legs and sort of screams at you. After the initial
confusion bestowed upon Oligotwonton and his men, they immediately gave
chase in an attempt to derrive anal satisfaction from the small creature.
All attempts however failed, leaving the convoy flooded with sorrow.
And now, here he was, commander oligotwonton in all his ekimoian glory,
hiding out in a worthless town known as saukville. little did he know his
liutenants had placed him at the eye of the inferno, for Saukville was a
land sacred to the irregulars. He soon discovered this after a walk in a
fairly boggy area. He had come accross what seemed to be a memorial of
some
type marking the first pirate attempt made by some of the irregulars. the
plaque narrarated a story of three brave and verile young men who
dashingly
and without fear stormed the area and with much manliness attempted to
pirate a small vessel held on a pond. the heroes were however thwarted by
superior locking technology and a disasterous lack of oars. But from the
seed of this small defeat many victories were sown.
Oligotwonton scoffed on the memorial to the irregulars and then
proceeded
to urinate upon it. and now....
blood had been drawn,
skmo urine has touched the most holy of holies,
the lighter fluid poured, match poised above...................
Oligotwonton struted before his men at the morning inspection in
Saukville. Nothing seemed out of order, save some scratches and brusies
on
his men. No doubt these were aquired in the pursuit of pleasure with
small
woodland creatures.
then he heard it...
it was a yell, or a cry, or a scream............
And then he saw them, tall, burly, old, dilapitaded and gassy, the
irregulars had begun to swarm down highway 33, all dressed for halloween
it
seemed.
All Oligotwonton could do was relive himself in his uniform, and pray they
knew nothing of his urinatory desicration.
Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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