Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Chapter 12

It was still debated by scholars of military history precisely which one of the Highly Irregulars had first thought up the idea of the Monkey Legion, but regardless of the many tomes of scholarly debate, one thing was now certain. The Monkey Legion was assembled and ready for action--they were armed and dangerous, all-round badass muthafukkas. The stood now rank upon rank across the fields of Tendick Park, dressed in woodland camo BDUs, armed with M-4 carbines and way way too many handgrenades, and standing at attention. At the end of the field on top of the high lonely hill beside County O, stood the proud and noble camo-clad Highly Irregulars, behind the pacing Napoleon, the two foot tall furry monkey commander of the Monkey Legion, who insisted upon always wearing a monkey sized Napoleon suit and hat. The Highly Irregulars stood, not at attention, but what they prefer to call highly irregular attention. Colonel Helmet was exercising a skill he had developed as an air traffic controller in the days of his youth--standing while simultaneously sleeping. Lost in his dreams he muttered, now softly, now irately "wherefore my wang and balls . . . my love, take thus mine WANG unto thine own vagina. Inserteth it therein that we might . . ." etc. The not so light light-colonel Kniess was belching as softly as he could and elegantly blowing the gut-reek in the general direction of Captain Clithero. Captain Clithero wretched forward, causing his wang to uncoil down the leg of his BDU trousers, a swift punch sped into the stomach of Lt. Colonel Kniess. Gary frowned, Clithero winced, and Major Thorstad giggled with glee when the seemingly well directed punch made contact with a hidden bottle of beer which popped out of Gary's pocket and into the thirsty hands of the Major. Major Thorstad removed the twist-off cap with much pain and trauma, swallowed the beer, held his stomach with an expression of "Oh Lord, help me burp!" across his face, and promptly farted.

The Captain booed, the Lt. Colonel goddamited, and the Colonel began to ever so softly snore.

Napoleon, the two foot tall chivalrous commander of the Monkey Legion

paid them no mind, he was lost in a world of ecstasy, oblivious to his surroundings was he, so caught up in the emotion of his speech. He paced up and down with his hunchbacked, bow-legged monkey gait. The feather on his hat bobbed and arched furiously. His furry little monkey arms, now tucked inside the breast of his coat, now waving through the arm, now gesturing furiously, now rattling his saber. What he said the Highly Irregulars had no clue, it was all a bunch of screeches, and woops, and "ahh-ahh-AHHHs" to them, but the assembled monkey legion was at a fevor pitch. Monkey clapped their monkey hands and jumped up and down as Napoleon seemed to be making profound points. Napoleon pulled out a large picture of bananas--the monkeys cheered vigourously and played leapfrog with one another, Napoleon produced a picture of a skmo--the monkeys hissed and screeched with barely contained fury, Napoleon withdrew a large picture of a skmo savagely raping a monkey maiden. Scores upon scores of monkey poops were hurled through the air, falling about the pictorial representation of the offending skmo. One monkey poo unfortunately hit Colonel helmet upside the head. Still asleep, he muttered affectionately under his breath, took a bite of the monkey poo, and inserted it into one of the many pockets of his uniform, evidently to save for later. Lt. Colonel Kniess and Major Thor grimaced at each other having witnessed the brave colonel sup on poo of monkey. The captain struggled to conceal the erection that had arisen upon having seen the crude picture of the monkey maiden taking it hard in the vajpie.

Napoleon now produced a final picture, it showed a proud member of the Monkey Legion standing atop a pile of bloody skmos, having his way with a monkey-maiden, and holding a sack of bananas. "I'll give you a sack and a banana!" the awake Highly Irregulars each thought to themselves instinctively. The ranks of monkeys erupted into a screeching mob of bouncing and summersaulting furry monkey flesh. Napoleon let out a roar of suprising wrath for a two foot tall, furry, actually quite cute, monkey. He then snapped to bent-backed, bow-legged attention and saluted the monkey legion before him. He then fell over due to the difficulties arising from standing on two legs.

The Monkey Legion poured forth from the plain towards occupied Saukville.

The Highly Irregulars, with their now awakened and utterly confused colonel, followed behind them in a humvee with a mounted 50 cal and M-19 automatic grenade launcher. Reports revealed that the calf-bomb had blown. Soon, with all likelyhood, the penguin, moose, chicken, and ardvark bombs would also be set off, meanwhile the Monkey Legion supported by the Highly Irregulars was advancing with utmost haste from the north.

Occupied Saukville would be liberated.




Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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