Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Chapter the Third

"Lads," shouted Colonel Helmet "Do you remember back in 2022 when we made Bangledesh the 51st state? Do you remember good old '25 when we invaded and conquered Poland?" There were still critics of the Highly Irregulars' unprompted takeover of Poland. But anyone who was anyone in military history has conquered Poland. It's a rite of passage. "Ah, and think back on '29 and our systematic genocide of the Chinese. The first fully successful genocide in history, I might add. WANG!" Also frowned upon by some, the systematic genocide of the Chinese had been prompted by Major Thor's obtaining a 'C' in an advanced Chinese language course. However Governments world-wide were appreciative. "And now you can't forget '33 when we relocated the French to Papau New Guineau and donated all of France to Germany." That had been L. Colonel Kniess' idea, he was rewarded by the German government with a life-time supply of beer--a gift which had cost the German government dearly but stimulated the German Economy. "And how about '44 when we blew away the Balkans and they slid beneath the shrapnel-tossed seas of the Mediterranean." That had been Captain Clithero's idea. When the conflict in Balkans had flared up again, the Captain had informed the Highly irregulars--('is time for vodka ont bomink, gud is for bombink ya, vudka sum gud too.') "And the Great War lads, hadn't I warned ye all of the Great War, Ar!" Colonel Helmet was subconsciously slipping into his pirate accent, an event which happened with increasing egularity as he grew older.

Captain Clithero was eyeing him warily and thumbing the bottle of pills in his hand. "Aye, AR! WANG! The Great War! COCK! I had warned ye all of the Skmos, had I not?!?!"

"Yes, Colonel Helmet Sir. But if I might impose, Sir," Major Thor said, he was obviously growing impatient, "I don't think this is a time for speeches, sir. We need to plan an assault!"

"Aw hell." Added L. Colonel Kniess with a hearty belch, "I'd rather drink." The Highly Irregulars looked around at one another, and stared into each others battle-hardened, liquor-hardened, and age-wrinkled faces. Agreement was unanimous drinks were in order.

"About our insertion . . ." added Captain Clithero slyly "I'm thinking we land on Bradford beach and storm Milwaukee from the Lake, the one direction the Skmos won't be expecting."

"Aw fuckcockwangsuck!" added Colonel Helm in an exasperated tone "Didn't I tell you clusterfucks no more Bert-ride landingcraft beach assaults. FUCK!"

"NO! No Bert-ride." Captain Clithero clarified quickly. The whole regiment breathed a sigh of relief. Captain Clithero pointed to an old black mast bobbing in the marina. The faces of the brave old men of the proud regiment lit up.

"THE LIQUOR HULK!!!" they cried in unison with much jubilation. They pulled their gear from out of the back of L.C. Kniess' monster truck and ran towards the liquor hulk. Or, they tried to run. The Captain's member uncoiled once more sending him to the pavement. L.C. Kniess made it as far as the boardwalk before he had to stop and drink a beer which he had discovered stashed away in his boxers. Major Thorstad had fallen asleep, no one had noticed when. And Colonel Helm, in a jubilant ball of rolly-polly glee had somehow fallen into the Lake while attempting to board. 5 hours later the Highly Irregulars paddled the Liquor Hulk out of the Harbor as the corpse of Young Cheeks Leathertit III swung lifeless from the mast. Empty liquor bottles ("countermeasures") which had been polished off("compromised") from the stash of the Liquor Hulk bobbed in the swells behind them.




Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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