Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Kapitel Funf

The next morning rosy-fingered dawn spread her pinkish-orange glow over the skies of occupied Milwaukee. Eskimo death squads prowled the streets like so many schools of reeking herring. They kicked down doors and violated young Wisconsinite women, they shot harmless old men, they killed bunnies and chipmunks, and even went so far as to urinate on the Abe Lincoln statue in front of the Art Museum. Lieutenant Skweegeeboonpoofin ("spindly-scrotum-hair"), the fearless eskimo leader of the the 257th Eskimo Light Infantry Platoon had been assigned to guard Bradlford Beach. He eyed the horizon warily with his squinty snow-filtering skmo eyes, observing the dilapitated old sail-boat, splattered in what looked like vomit, slowly drifting towards the beach. There didn't appear to be anyone on the boat, but one could never be sure. He ordered the weapons seargant to blow the old wreck out of the sea. Special Kwaneepeentang ("Ice-Dick") took aim with his bazooka and sent the old hulk to the bottom with an arrogant skmo grunt.

One lone pirate hat rose from the debris and floated into shore, near the frolicking walruses. Lieutenant Skweegeeboonpoofin loved walruses, he was happy to see that they had walruses in lake michigan, he had been told that there weren't any. He strutted down the beach with his stunty skmo legs towards the walruses so that he might copulate with one of them. "Oogie Popin, bo Chingie" (Come here, big daddy) he grunted as he unbuttoned his white Eskimo issue BDUs and removed his tiny filthy skmo tool.



Major Thor debated for a minute whether he should accept the skmo tool into his anus or blow their cover. As his hungover too-sensitive nose caught a wiff of the fishy tang of skmo smegma, he knew what he had to do. He flipped off the walrus costume in a fraction of a second and attacked upwards. The dirty skmo lieutenant looked down at horror and 34 inches of cold steel slid into his belly and back out again. The medieval broadsword flashed in the morning sunshine once more and the skmo's head went rolling down the beach.

Meanwhile the rest of the squad had also shed their disguises. Lt. Colonel Gary let loose all of hell from the muzzle of a vintage WWII .50 caliber Browning Heavy Machine gun. Captain Clithero raised a grenade to his mouth, ripping out the pin with his teeth and lobbed it into a skmo machine gun nest, then pulled a shotgun which had been strapped to his cock and proceeded to turn skmo heads into skmo-sauce. Colonel Helmet raised a beer bottle to his mouth, ripping off the cap with his teeth and lobbed the beer down his throat. He then began to load his civil war era musket, which he had mistakenly brought instead of his M-16. By the time the firing pan of his musket was primed the skmo platoon lay dead, like so many reeking alewives, rotting on the beach.

The beach had fallen and Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars had arrived. The great 7 tusked Eskimo god shuddered with fear.




Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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