Check out the results...
Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding.
The concept behind Operation:FreeSpank first blossomed in early spring of this year.
Disgruntled with the long hours and undercompensated lot as a Big 5 management
consultant, c-stone put the following plan into action.
On Saturday, June 13, the letter below went out to various general managers,
vice presidents, owners and operations personnel of all NBA teams:
Dear Mr. «LastName»:
I am writing to you today to inform you of my intention to be considered eligible
for this year’s National Basketball Association draft.
Although I am quite comfortable with my current employment, I believe that the NBA
provides a more financially lucrative career choice for me. In evaluating present
compensation levels offered by NBA teams, my financial future would be greatly
enhanced. Furthermore, I feel that I would bring many skills to your team. As such,
I present to you a few informational notes about my experience and background.
At present I am employed as a management level management consultant for a Big 6
accounting firm. The responsibilties include software development and maintenance of
various portions of the Firm’s proprietary financial applications. Additionally, I
am a member of the local YMCA where I play pick-up basketball twice weekly.
In high school, I contributed two years of mostly bench work for the Madison HS (NJ)
freshman team and the Exeter Area HS (NH) junior varsity. In 1985, I received the
unkindest cut of all from the EAHS varsity squad, going on to a more likely career
with the Track & Field Varsity team. Somewhat akin to what happened to Michael Jordan,
what with getting cut from the varsity and everything.
The similarities between myself and Mr. Jordan pretty much ended there. Quickly.
In May of 1990, I matriculated from the University of Notre Dame with a bachelor’s
degree in Economics as well as a minor in Computer Applications. From 1986 to 1990,
I participated in the school’s intramural basketball league (B level) and the world
famous Bookstore Basketball Tournament ( 1987 - Spanish Fly; 1988 - Jolly Green Giant
and the Four Sprouts; 1989 - censored #201; 1990 - Parts Unknown, Weight Unknown).
The 1990 contingent took honors as the tournament board-nominated Hall of Fame team,
and faced a cast of all stars which included varsity center Keith Robinson and Irish
QB Tony Rice, losing by a slim 21-2 margin. Also notable are the 1988 team’s advance
to the second round of 330-or-so.
Regrettably, my dormitory’s intramural teams (in the B-league) did not win a game in
four years of action. However, the football team did produce a Heisman Trophy winner
(Tim Brown ‘87) and a National Championship (1988).
My most recent organized basketball competition was with the Firm’s entry in the
(Washington) DC City League in 1995. In limited action over six games, I led the
league in field goal percentage (2-3, 66.7%) as well as free throw shooting percentage
(1-2, 50.0%). While we lost in the first round of the playoffs that year, the team
did win their respective class championship the following year despite my absence.
This past month I received a promotion at work to the management level. I firmly
believe that this came directly as a result of my years of hard work, dedication and
commitment to excellence. All these qualities--and more--are indicative of the work
ethic which I would bring to your team. Furthermore, I have a tattoo on my left shoulder.
In closing, I would like to thank you for your time and consideration in choosing me to
join the 1998-99 «Company». I am confident that such a decision will be mutually
beneficial to the success of both parties involved.
Please let me know if I can provide any additional information. I look forward to your
phone call on June 24th!
Sincerely,
Christopher P. Fillio