The Onion^TM

The Onion^TM is one the of the self-proclaimed finest "news source[s]" in America. In sooth, a viscious satire on a gamut of topics, it rules.

In honor of this high standard of journalism quasi-excellence, the House of Spank^TM is proud to present a few stories we'd like to see:

* Convenience Store to be Operated by US-born Citizen
  "It's a dream come true", says local man.

* Singer James Brown Changes Tune
  Attack of botchilism leaves godfather of soul feelin 'not so good'.

* Trump Declares He Will Buy Vowel
  "Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle."

* Fourth Grader Gets Life in Prison
  Juvenile caught recklessly playing on/around trash dumpster

* Pentagon to Develop Olestra Bomb
  Top-secret project tabbed Project: Anal Seepage

* Mad Cows Gain Control of Parliament
  First edict: 'Eat More Chikin'

* Gore Promises World Party on White House Grounds
  "If elected, it will be Gore-apalooza", says veep.

* Farrakhan, Schott Reach Finals 
  Racial Slur-Off Championships match top contenders

* Stadium Organist Warns Opposing Teams
  "We will, we will, indeed, rock you!"

* Local Teen Confident in New Muscle Car
  "I'm gonna get laid!"

* Trojan Purchases Contract of Energizer Bunny
  Nationwide slogan contest to follow suit

* Great Pumpkin Cut Down In Gangland-Style Massacre
  The case of the gourd who knew too much

* Car Dealer Promises to Forego Profits
  "We pass the savings on to you, the customer"

* PLO, Israel Tire of Peace Process
  Sides agree to initiate war talks

* Antartica Submits Bid for 2004 Winter Olympics
  "Have an ice-cold herring Slurpee!"




 Kick it back to tha' House of Spank main crib