Fun Stuff

Stuff


Here are some really kewl "things" that I enjoyed reading and I'm sure you will too!!:) More coming soon!

PUNK ROCKER MEETS WAR VET

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelery and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you fuckin' starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk and fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."

BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband was happy to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at he table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon her lap.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday"!!!

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU SEND THINGS TO!

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Honey,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine and dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Buy flowers for her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her...........

How to impress a man:

Show up naked,
Bring beer.

BUMPER STICKERS

Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you!
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Caution! Driver's applying make-up.
I drive this way just to piss you off.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer.
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Honk if you're illiterate
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
i souport publik edekashun

BOYS


A heart is not a play thing,
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.


Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.


Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.


You will wonder where he is a night
You will wonder if hes true,
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.


If you get a chance to see him
Your heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,
Theres nothing like romance.


And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing him
It never turns out right.


Boys are great, though immature
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous
But remember, hes a guy.


Don't fall in love with just a boy
That takes alot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.


So when you think that you're in love,
Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that hes a man.

Girls


There are many good things in life,
like cars, money, and weed.
But if you want something confusing,
a girl is all you need.


A girl doesn't say what she wants,
but you're somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,
stay here, stay there, or just go.


Then there's the time, you all know what i mean,
that monthly little joy.
That lets them abuse the shit out of you,
just for being a boy.


If you ever dare look at another girl,
they seem to scream, go on, and panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,
at the sight of that queer from Titanic.


They give you questions like "Am i fat?",
and "If you could go with one of my friends, who?".
There is no answer, face the facts,
you are definatly through.


They take nothing and blow it up,
and make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,
you are just as hard to understand as us.



What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Training Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

You know you're hooked on the Internet if...
  • You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land.
  • You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive.
  • You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors.
  • Your business cards contain your e-mail and home page address.
  • You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes...at least once every hour.
  • You dream about creating the world's greatest web site.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You know you're really hooked on the Internet if...
  • You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the web.
  • Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy
    ...and you're seriously considering getting a second phone line.
  • You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.
  • You forget to eat because you're too busy surfing the net.
  • You religiously respond immediately to e-mail, while ignoring your growing pile of snail mail.
  • You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says "See you in the morning."
  • Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the monitor."
  • You're constantly yelling at your wife for using the phone for stupid things...like talking.
  • You purchase a laptop so you can surf while sitting on the can.

You know you're really, really hooked on the Internet if...
  • You think more about being online than you do about sex
    ...and to heighten the sensation, you install a mirror over your PC.
  • You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just so you can have the free Internet access.
  • You brag to all of your friends about your date Saturday night...but you don't tell them it was only in a chat room.
  • You join listservs just for the extra e-mail.
  • You know what a listserv is.
  • You've given up the search for the "perfect woman" and instead, sit in front of the PC until you're just too tired to care.
  • At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider."
  • Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven.
  • Your pet rock leaves home.
  • In addition to your e-mail address being on your business cards you even have your own domain.
  • Your husband has his lawyer deliver the divorce papers...via e-mail.
  • Your computer costs more than your car.

Perhaps you should consider finding a new hobby if...
  • Your house stinks because you haven't cleaned it in a week.
  • You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.
  • You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
  • Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  • You get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing.
  • You and your friends get together regularly on IRC, even though all of you live in the same city.
  • When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you can't...because you were kicked out and banned.
  • Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
  • You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
  • You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

It may be time to seek professional counseling if...
  • E-mail Deficiency Depression (EDD) forces you to e-mail yourself.
  • You lie, even to user-friends, about how long you were online yesterday.
  • You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep.
  • All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
  • And even your night dreams are in HTML.
  • You rate eating establishments not by the quality of the food, but by the availability of electrical outlets for your PowerBook.
  • You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You might be able to qualify for disability benefits if...
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You start introducing yourself as "Jim at A-O-L dot com."
  • Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  • You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  • You read this entire Are you addicted page looking for something that doesn't describe you.

Now is the time to apply for citizenship to Cyberia if...
  • You're being audited because you mailed your tax return to the IRC.
  • You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  • You'd rather go to http://www.weather.com/ than look out your window.
  • You'd rather catch a score on the web than watch the game as it is being played on tv.
  • You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
  • Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
  • You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from French Guinea.
  • You really believe in the concept of a "paperless" office.
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.
  • You invent another person and chat with yourself in empty chat rooms.
  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
  • Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
  • Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
  • You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

You might as well just install a phone jack directly into your jugular vein if...
  • You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
  • The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
  • You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
  • You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
  • You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
  • You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  • As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your final instinct is to search for the "back" button.
  • The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
  • You buy a pager so family and friends that really need to get through can beep you to return their call.
  • The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
  • You create a homepage with the impression to cure the afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail.
  • Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to humm to communicate with it. You succeed.
  • You read all the quotes on this page and keep thinking "What's wrong with that?"

But wait...there's hope!
If you recognize any of these warning signs, venture forward to get the immediate help you need.




Windows Error Codes:
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. MicroSoft forgot to explain them in the manuals. So they will be spread via the internet:
  • WinErr: 001 - Windows loaded - System in danger.
  • WinErr: 002 - No Error - Yet!
  • WinErr: 003 - Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.
  • WinErr: 004 - Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.
  • WinErr: 005 - Multitasking attempted - System confused.
  • WinErr: 006 - Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.
  • WinErr: 007 - System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.
  • WinErr: 008 - Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.
  • WinErr: 009 - Horrible bug encountered - Heaven (MicroSoft) knows what has happened.
  • WinErr: 00A - Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.
  • WinErr: 00B - Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.
  • WinErr: 00C - Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
  • WinErr: 00D - Window closed - Do not look outside.
  • WinErr: 00E - Window open - Do not look inside.
  • WinErr: 00F - Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.
  • WinErr: 010 - Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
  • WinErr: 011 - Window open - Do not look outside.
  • WinErr: 012 - Window closed - Do not look inside.
  • WinErr: 013 - Unexpected error - Huh?
  • WinErr: 014 - Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  • WinErr: 018 - Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
  • WinErr: 019 - User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! Is Not!
  • WinErr: 01A - Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
  • WinErr: 01B - Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
  • WinErr: 01C - Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
  • WinErr: 01D - System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  • WinErr: 01E - Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
  • WinErr: 01F - Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  • WinErr: 020 - Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
  • WinErr: 042 - Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
  • WinErr: 079 - Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  • WinErr: 103 - Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded.
  • WinErr: 678 - This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • WinErr: 683 - Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
  • WinErr: 815 - Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.



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