Every year VGL, our splendid co-president, delivers the annual reading of the Bladers Version of Twas the Night Before Christmas. A Very Blader Christmas.
Twas 5 days before Christmas, when all through the netI heard someone calling, "Is it Canadians yet?"
The chatroom was ready with room to spare
In hopes that the chatters soon would be there.
The Bladers had gathered on their usual night
That's Thursdays at 9 eastern right?
And Deb and her students and Meg and her cat
Had just logged in and wanted to chat.
As the others arrived and started to natter...
We soon realized we has some uninvited chatters...
Away to the roll call we went like a flash...
We'd better not have a troll who likes Porny M's Ass...
One new chatter it seemed hadn't known English long
While the other appeared to be a typical blonde.
They conferred a bit before saying more
And what they said next had us in shock on the floor
"We'd like to thank you for all your support through thin and thick..."
We knew in a moment it was...SHAE AND VIC
"We've been meaning to do this for quite a few years So here we are, we're finally here!
VGL, LMM,! tigger, IrishDancer and Sunni!
dorvalskater!, bkluver!, nyrak, and Elli!
We know you're all behind us whether we win or fall!
So Thank-you, Thank-you, Thanks one and all!"
Now the Bladers are not easily convinced
And on the net it's not like you can check fingerprints...
So all through the chatroom, the questions they flew,
With everything about Shae and Victor, and Nikolai too
We asked about skating, and all their travails
And told them how we missed them while Shae's achilles ailed.
It took quite a while, and finally they exclaimed,
We know how to prove it, we'll make it quite plain...
Just clear out the tables and hand us the hose,
As soon as it freezes, we'll put on a show.
The Bladers all stared, as if in a trance
OMG, Shae and Victor are here and to DANCE
Their smiles -- how perky -- her shoulders how wide
And of course we can't forget his famous backside!
Her lovely blonde hair was tied back with a bow
and we all said, "nice of you to let your face show"
their deep edges and soft knees were the perfect mix,
and of course there were all the hydroblading tricks..
He had long legs and slightly knobby knees,
That shook, when he laughed, like a hunk of Swiss Cheese
They gave us a treat, B&K's greatest hits,
And we knew when we saw them, it was our Shae and Vic.
The glints in their eyes and the twists of their heads
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their skates,
Unlike SOI; they didn't need retakes,
Riverdance, Seachran, Michael Jackson, Heart Attack
March With Me, High Society and a Knife named Mack
The wonderous soft edges, their blades were so quiet
When they finally stopped there was nearly a riot.
But we heard them exclaim, as they skated out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Twas 5 days before Christmas, when all through the net
I heard someone calling, “Is it Canadians yet?”
The chatroom was ready with room to spare
In hopes that the chatters soon would be there.
The Bladers had gathered on their usual night
That’s Thursdays at 9 eastern right?
And Deb and her students and Meg and her cat
Had just logged in and wanted to chat.
As the others arrived and started to natter..
We soon realized we has some uninvited chatters.
Away to the roll call we went like a flash...
We’d better not have a troll who likes Porny M’s Ass.
One new chatter it seemed hadn’t known English long
While the other appeared to be a typical blonde.
They conferred a bit before saying more
And what they said next had us in shock on the floor
"We’d like to thank you for all your support through thin and thick..."
We knew in a moment it was...SHAE AND VIC
“We’ve been meaning to do this for quite a few years
So here we are, we’re finally here!"
VGL, LMM, Buttercup! tigger, Sunniskies and Sweetie!
Blade1, Beth, ColtinsGirl!, karyn, and “Ice T”
We know you’re all behind us whether we win or fall!
So Thank-you, Thank-you, Thanks one and all!”
Now the Bladers are not easily convinced
And on the net it’s not like you can check fingerprints...
So all through the chatroom, the questions they flew,
With everything about Shae and Victor, and Tarasova too
We asked about skating, and all their travails
And told them some thought “Smile” moved like a snail.
It took quite a while, and finally they exclaimed,
We know how to prove it, we’ll make it quite plain...
Just clear out the tables and hand us the hose,
As soon as it freezes, we’ll put on a show.
The Bladers all stared, as if in a trance
OMG, Shae and Victor are here and to DANCE
Their smiles -- how perky -- her shoulders how wide
And of course we can’t forget his famous backside!
Her lovely blonde hair was tied back with a bow
and we all said, “nice of you to let your face show”
their deep edges and soft knees were the perfect mix,
and of course there were all the hydroblading tricks..
He had long legs and slightly knobby knees,
That shook, when he laughed, like a hunk of Swiss Cheese
They gave us a treat, B&K’s greatest hits,
And we knew when we saw them, it was our Shae and Vic.
The glints in their eyes and the twists of their heads
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their skates,
Unlike SOI; they didn’t need retakes,
Riverdance, Seachran, Michael Jackson, Heart Attack
March With Me, High Society and a Knife named Mack
The wonderous soft edges, their blades were so quiet
When they finally stopped there was nearly a riot.
But we heard them exclaim, as they skated out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Twas 11 days before Christmas, when all through the net
I heard someone calling, “Is it Vancouver Worlds yet?”
The chatroom was ready with room to spare
In hopes that the chatters soon would be there.
The bladers had gathered on their usual night
That’s Thursdays at 9 eastern right?
And deb and her students and Meg and her cat
Had just arrived and wanted to chat.
As the others arrived and started to natter..
We soon realized we has some uninvited chatters..
Away to the roll call we went like a flash...
We’d better not have a troll who likes Porny M’s Ass...
One new chatter it seemed hadn’t known English long
While the other appeared to be a typical blonde.
They conferred a bit before saying more
And what they said next had us in shock on the floor
"We’d like to thank you for all your support through thin and thick..."
We knew in a moment it was...SHAE AND VIC
“We’ve been meaning to do this for quite a few years
So here we are, we’re finally here!
VGL, ceilidh! LMM, Buttercup! tigger, shellybean and MaggieC!
Blade1, Beth, ColtinsGirl!, karyn, and Sunni!
We know you’re all behind us whether we win or fall!
So Thank-you, Thank-you, Thanks one and all!”
Now the bladers are not easily convinced
And on the net it’s not like you can check fingerprints...
So all through the chatroom, the questions they flew,
With everything about Shae and Victor, and Tarasova too
We asked about skating, and all their travails
And told them we didn’t really like Vic’s OD tails
It took quite a while, and finally they exclaimed,
We know how to prove it, we’ll make it quite plain...
Just clear out the tables and hand us the hose,
As soon as it freezes, we’ll put on some shows.
The Bladers all stared, as if in a trance
OMG, Shae and Victor are here and to DANCE
Their smiles -- how perky -- her shoulders how wide
And of course we can’t forget his famous backside!
Her lovely blonde hair was tied back with a bow
and we all said, “nice of you to let your face show”
The stump of a pipe she held tight in her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled her head like a wreath.
He had long legs and slightly knobby knees,
That shook, when he laughed, like a hunk of Swiss Cheese
They gave us a treat, B&K’s greatest hits,
And we knew when we saw them, it was our Shae and Vic.
The glints in their eyes and the twists of their heads
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their skates,
Unike SOI; they didn’t need retakes,
Riverdance, Seachran, Harry Connick, Heart Attack
March With Me, Emily and a Knife named Mack
The wonderous soft edges, their blades were so quiet
When they finally stopped there was nearly a riot.
But we heard them exclaim, as they skated out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Each week in chat MaggieC dazzles us with her poetic skills. A couple of weeks back Maggie dug deep into her creative coffers and wrote profiles on some of the regular chatters. The bladers executive felt that we should post them here for everyone to see. So without further ado....Meet the Bladers.
VicsGalLouise - Guru. Peaceful and even-tempered but has been known to swoop down with fierce retaliation when anyone tries to contaminate the message board or mailing list. VGL is the strength that holds the Bladers together - rather like crazy glue.
shellybean - Universal Soldier. Ms. Bean is the militant Blader - a combination of Xena, Hilary Clinton and Mother Theresa. She goes out into the often hostile Universe defending B&K against attacks (usually from the U.K.). Never backs down from an attack yet recognizes humour. She defends with wit, style, and courage or if necessary, a few well-chosen expletives.
LMM - Tea Totaler. Lynn is a haven of tranquility in the stormy seas of skating fandom (or maybe its just the effects of herbal tea). Still hasn't accepted the fact that Victor no longer lives in Lake Placid.
HB Girl - Pioneer. Quick witted with a vast skating knowledge. The founder of B&K Central from which sprang the Bladers. A jewel - other skating fans should be so lucky. HB Girl has suffered her own skating heartbreak when robbed of the gold in the Grand Floridian.
Meg and Beth - Deputy sheriffs. Supposedly, they help keep law and order in chat. However, their idea of law and order is chaos and disorder. btw - NEVER criticize Kurt.
B & K Fan - P.R. Agent. Fiercely loyal to Shae and Victor, Kim is the Blader's eternal optimist. The Blader most likely to become a diplomat or join a cult.
sunniskyes, tigger and cali - The 3 Muskateers. The Bladers answer to Dancer, esta and moscowfan but much nicer and much more fun. They are also experts on cross-stitch, royalty, and the french language. Considering some Blader chats, these three subjects come up more often than one would think.
Others who drop in:
cevanoff - journalist extraordinaire
SandraL - 'she who wrestles computer from hubby'
Blade 1 - "Smile! You're on Candid Camera"
Sloane - mystery woman!!! LOL!
Stars Fan - "Still talking VButt? I'm outta here"!
JosieR - "move over Pat Lipinski"
And....
Many other Bladers who keep the world of B&K spinning (not always in orbit).
sincerely,
Maggie - Poet Laureate. Talks much, says little. A "bottomless pit of useless information".
***A Note from Maggie...Shae and Victor's contract is up with Sun Life and they are finding life in Stamford expensive so I've been thinking they need a new sponsor to help with finances. I decided to put them in the first commercial I saw when I turned on the tv. (Luckily it wasn't Ex-Lax).
Scene: Ice Rink. B&K skating. Music stops and they skate to the boards.
Shae: Victor, I'm worried . I'm not sure this program is right for us. I wish there was someone to ask for advice.
Vic: Why don't we call "Psychic Friends"? Lloyd Eisler told me about it.
Scene: Switchboard operator with back to camera. She turns head and we see it is Pasha.
Pasha: (staring into space and singing): Happy Beerstday. Meester Pres-ee-dent......
Phone rings.
Pasha: Psychic Friends. Let us plan your life. Only 4.99 per minute.
Split screen showing Pasha and Shae.
Shae: My ice dance partner and I are wondering if we've chosen the right programs. We know our Canadian fans love us but what about the judges?
Pasha: Girlfriend, you have come to the right place! Now let me look into my crystal ball..uh huh... you feel stuck in a rut -always third, right?
Shae: YES! How did you know?
Pasha: Because I'm *Psychic*! You've been doing Celtic themes but you want to try something more dramatic and passionate, right? You're considering Harry Connick Jr. right?
Shae: YES! This is amazing!
Pasha: This is what you should do.....
Close- up of Shae listening and nodding her head.
Scene: Worlds. Crowds cheering. Music "Carmina Burana" ends as Victor lowers Shae from a crotch lift. Victor is wearing black with a cape, fangs and shoulder length hair. Shae has bite marks on her neck, a costume with eyes on the chest, lavendar skates, and her hair is pulled back raising her eyebrows 3 inches and making it impossible for her to blink.
Close-up of marks - 6.0's across the board.
Shae and Vic (in Kiss and Cry): Thank you, Psychic Friends!
Pasha (Voice-over): Let "Psychic Friends" help you. Switchboard open 24 hours per day. Visa and Mastercard accepted. Must be over 18.
***A Note from Maggie...When surfing on the internet a typical quote you'll see is "I can't stand B&K fans and CTV commentators.They don't think any other skaters exist!"
So, Maggie decided to take this statement to heart and came up with a complete parody of the more prominent of the Bladers.
Please note that the following is a satire and should absolutely NOT be taken seriously.
Place: Office of CTV president. Executives are pacing back and forth, yelling, phones ringing, etc.
Pres: This is a disaster!!!! The Hamilton Pro/Ams start in 20 min and Rob, Debbi, Tracy, Rod & crew all phoned in sick!
1st vice-pres: Did you ask Barb Underhill if she would substitute?
Pres: Yes, she called me a body part then hung up!
Secretary(running into office): Sir, I've received a call from a group called BKB. They say they can help.
Pres: BKB????
Secretary: Someone named Shelly Bean called and said she could host along with a Vic Scaluise and bring the whole crew.
Pres: hmmm.... there's a Scaluise fellow at ESPN. Maybe this Vic guy is related. No time to lose...tell them to go ahead, Ms. Sloane.
..............................................
Announcer: Live from Copps Colliseum - it's the Hamilton Pro/Ams with your hosts Shelly Bean and Vic Scaluise.
SB: Hello out there in TV Land!
VGL(waving): hoo hoo! Welcome to B&K night! Okay....there *are* other skaters here. sb, you were at practise and saw the Italian team of Full-o-pudding and Marshmallow. How would you describe them?
SB: Well, vgl, I'd describe them like this....BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
VGL: Okay, we won't bother with them. Now let's check in with our backstage reporter MaggieC.
Close up of the back of Maggie's head. Camera pulls back and we see she is looking through the key-hole of men's change room.
VGL: Maggie's busy at the moment. Let's go to LMM in the stands with two proud moms....Peggy and Dagmar.
LMM(knocks Peggy over and sits beside Dagmar): Dagmar, what was Victor like as a boy?
Dagmar: Well, I have a baby picture here.
LMM(taking it): oooohhhhh, da sweet widdle angel poopsie doopsie. Him's a cootsie wootsie!!!!
Dagmar: You're holding it upside down.
LMM:........back to you, VGL.
VGL: We start with the Ladies.This is Pasha's debut as a singles skater.
Announcer: Representing Russia-Pasha Grischuk.
"Riverdance" starts. Pasha looks confused and skates off, withdrawing from the competition.
VGL(giggling): Pasha said she could do Riverdance by herself. Our sound person, tigger, decided to put her to the test.
Announcer: Representing the United States-Michelle Kwan.
VGL: SB, you aren't a Michelle fan so let's go to commercial even if it's that boring Colgate ad.
SB: At least it's more interesting than Michelle.
.........................................
Office of CTV president. Executives are staring at TV screen. All are motionless except the President who has a pulsating vein in his left temple.
Ms. Sloane: Sir, you have some calls. Pres. of Colgate on line one. Danny Kwan on line two.
.........................................
Crowd cheers for Michelle and throw flowers and beanie babies. Meg and Beth, dressed as flower girls, gather them and give them to Sandra who re-sells them to the fans.
VGL: HAHA! That's the third time Sandra has sold that stuffed camel to the same woman.
sb: JosieR is backstage with the Ladies champion.
Josie:I was supposed to interview Michelle but she never says anything interesting so instead I'd like everyone to meet a future champion...my daughter. Say hello, sweetheart.
Daughter: I have to go potty.
A scream is heard from the Ladies Change Room and camera catches B&K Fan running out followed by a hysterical Shae. Shae catches her and holds her in a head lock while pummelling her with her fists).
Shae: YOU LITTLE %#@*%$&*#&!!!!!!
B&K Fan: I was just trying to help! Some fans didn't like the colour of your new costume so I thought a little dye would help! You're my role model, Shae. Oucchhhhhh!!!
Josie(sticking a mike in Shae's face): Shae,you don't seem very "perky" tonight. Care to make a statement?
Shae(catching sight of camera): oh, uh, er....I'd like to thank B&K Fan for dying my costume - seaweed is such a nice colour. And wearing it will be a blast!
Josie: Back to you, SB.
Announcer: Representing Russia - Alexei Yagudin
SB: my gawd...what is he wearing????? Quick, get the cameras off him.
Blade 1 and Janice on cameras focus on The Bladers Banner and remain there throughout the entire men's competition.
Announcer: Representing The United States-The Steiglers.
VGL: sb, do the Steiglers have a chance at a medal?
SB: About as much chance as there being a Rudy Galindo Junior. Let's go to commercial.
(clearing throat) Skating fans, are you looking for the perfect CD? Forget that crappy one of Sandra Bezic's. Instead buy "Maggie's Greatest Hits". Hear the inspiring "Ode to VButt", the rollicking "In the Bladers" and the poignant "Welcome back, shellybean". Only 29.95
Steiglers program ends and Beth has a tug of war with Tiffany Steigler over a stuffed platypus.
.........................................
CTV executive office. Pres. is slumped in his chair, gnawing the corner of his desk.
Ms. Sloane: Sir, Sandra Bezic on line one, Rudy Galindo on line two, Mrs. Steigler on line three.
.........................................
VGL: We have just received word that there has been a complaint against the Canadian and U.S. judges -Sunni Skyes and H.B. Girl. A&P fans accused Ms. Skyes of shaking her foot 15 times at Ms. Girl and then they both placed A&P 15th. What do you make of that, sb?
SB: Typical of A&P fans to whine and complain. The Cdn. judge may have new shoes and they gave her a bunion. Or maybe she was tapping her foot to their catchy music-Carmina Burana.
VGL: Don't forget the weather. Maybe she was saying it's 15 degrees.
SB: OOOHHHHH!!!! B&K are next! Finally, some skating!
VGL: What's all that green stuff dripping off her dress?
........................................
Office of CTV pres. He is on the floor, curled into the fetal postition, sucking his thumb and whimpering softly.
1st VP: There's only one thing to do.
........................................
TV Screen goes black.
Announcer: Due to circumstances beyond our control, CTV is unable to bring you the rest of the Hamilton Pro/Ams. In its place we present a documentary "The History of the Hacienda d'Amor".
***A Note from Maggie...A theory on the reason why the Italian's are cleaning up this season (so far anyway).
Place: ISU Headquarters
MaggieC is walking along a long hallway. She stops in front of a door guarded by 2 men in black suits, black shirts and white ties. She nods at them and they open the door. Behind a desk sits Ottavio Cinquanta. As MaggieC enters the office, he goes to meet her.
Maggie (kissing his hand): Uncle Ottavio.
Cinquanta: Marguerita, my dear niece. The family is proud of you.
Maggie: Uncle, you know where my loyalties are. There will be no stopping Cousin Maurizio and his partner Barbara now.
Cinquanta: Marguerita, are you sure the Bladers don't suspect anything.
Maggie: No,Uncle, they have no idea that the "C" in MaggieC stands for Cinquanta. They think I am a truly obsessed B&K Fan. I began writing poems, songs and stories. Now they beg me to write more and anyone I don't mention is insulted. Even the great Guru VGL is rapidly losing control.
Cinquanta: And you are accepted by all?
Maggie: well....I'm not sure about Stars Fan.
Cinquanta (calling): Luigi! Guido! Get in here.
The two guards rush in.
Cinquanta: I want you to pay a visit to Stars Fan. Make him an offer he can't refuse. um...find out if he owns a horse.
Marguerita, you go now. It's time for Bladers chat. And there are others of the "family" waiting to see me. They pretend to be fans of A&P, K&O, & L&A while actually furthering the cause of Barbara and Maurizio.
Maggie leaves as another enters the room. Cinquanta goes to meet the newcomer.
Cinquanta: Sharpie, my dear god-child.
