How to be Irritating

Who are you? Did you ever want to be irritating but just didn't know how? Well, luckily for YOU, someone as skilled in the art of irritology is here to help. The following is a list of suggestions on how to thoroughly get under someone's skin.

1) Tell people, when they are eating, exactly how many calories are in what they are eating
2) Use verbs as little as possible
3) Kiss people's hands whenever you meet them.
4) Carry office supplies in your pockets (Staplers, tape dispensers)
5) Hit yourself in the head violently when something goes wrong
6) Pretend to fall down and expect people to laugh at you
7) Quote obscure song lyrics in daily conversation, and expect people to understand it
8) Misquote infamous quotations in an obvious fashion
9) Make all your friends listen to really bad music
10) Keep your tongue outside your mouth as much as possible
11) Ask people why they are here
12) Tell people that they are no longer needed and can go home now
13) Go up to people on park benches and tell them, "Hey! I don't pay you to just sit around!" 14) Immerse yourself in a show like Beverly Hills 90210, and then assume the roles of various characters from day to day. Assign parts to other people. Bring scripts and make them act out shows
15) Keep your hands in your pockets as much as possible
16) Substitute words like "a" and "They" with "malarkey"
17) When people ask you what time it is, ask them if they are living in fast time or slow time
18) Interview various people with a brush as a microphone. Ask them what they though about the tornado
19) Tape grass to your wrists and to other people
20) Ask people at work why they aren't having fun. Demand an answer
21) Insist that you have seen supposedly dead celebrities on television, so they must not really be dead
22) Give detailed information on what it's like to microwave hamsters
23) Lie about having fatal diseases. Change the disease you claim you have from day to day
24) Insist that people in wheel chairs are just "faking it". Tell them to get up and stop being lazy. Insist you'd like it if someone wheeled you around all day and that you'd gladly trade lives
25) Wear latex gloves around because you don't want "peasant germs" on you
26) Fall instead of walking down the stairs
27) Use a cane, even if not necessary
28) Time how long everyone speaks on a stopwatch, and then announce the results. Award prizes for the person who spoke the longest
29) Repeat every sentence twice
30) Carry rodents in your pockets
31) Wear spurs
32) Make other people plan your funeral
33) Sprinkle glitter everywhere you go
34) Leave a trail of bread crumbs so that you can find your way back
35) Carry around a toy cell phone. Make ringing noises with your mouth and pretend to be speaking with someone extremely important
36) Describe your actions as if you're leading an exercise video
37) Invite people to parties at other people's houses
38) Ask people where their fissure is
39) Point at everything you are talking about
40) Set fire to your school just so you can have the illustrious privilege of rescuing your principal
41) Carry a shaker of salt with you. Offer it to other people
42) During a long lecture, pull out a lighter and hold it up high
43) Ask people when they started puberty
44) Tell people that you will have to put a brick on their head if they don't stop growing
45) Bite pens or pencils that you borrow
46) Turn in famous stories or novels as your own work. Change minor things like the title
47) Proclaim yourself the world's foremost expert on everything. Get a cape made
48) Make distasteful jokes about dead people
49) See exactly how loud you can laugh in the most inappropriate places
50) Refuse to eat anywhere but Griff's, stating inferior food quality as your reason
51) Tell people when you think they will die, and what they will die of
52) Claim that things like the Civil War and The War of 1812 were Hitler's fault
53) Lament loudly about how much better the world would be if the time machine existed. Do this frequently
54) Go to really serious movies and laugh hysterically
55) Do really bad impersonations of celebrities and other people. Demand money for it
56) After you first introduce yourself, tell the person what your worst fears are
57) Ask people if they read last night's obituaries
58) Ask people if their head hurts yet, when they say no, sigh, and pretend to wipe sweat from your forehead
59) Wear lots of Off
60) Make sure all the clocks in your house are wrong
61) Tell people how much you'd like to kill other people if you only had some fishing wire and a remote control
62) Never sit down in other people's presence
63) Interrupt people by yawning loudly and checking your wrist watch frequently
64) As class goes on, calmly remove articles of clothing, one piece at a time. If anyone says anything, tell them you are simply, "trying to learn"
65) Give ratings on educations movies, ask if there is any nudity in it beforehand
66) Laugh when something bad happens to someone else in history. Tell them that's what they deserved
67) Tell as many people as you can that Hitler was just misunderstood. Insist that Jews framed him.
68) Tell people why you think they had bad parents
69) Go to your friends house to hang out with their parents
70) Give cat toys to friends as presents
71) Tell people whether or not you believe they will go to heaven or hell. Don't tell them why you think so. Insist that God knows, and you should too
72) Tell your friends at lunch that it would be more appropriate if they at out of a dog bowl
73)Give people dead animals as presents
74) Whenever you are asked a question in class, ask for the room to be cleared because all those eyes make you nervous
75) Tell people in a grade younger than you that you didn't have it so good back in the day
76) Ask people hwo did their laundry. Pinch your nose and squint your eyes
77) Ask people where the dinosaurs went
78) Call dinosaurs "dinos" 79) Try to plant vegetable seeds on tile floors. Water them daily. Cry when nothing grows 80) Ask people where they got their clothes. Tell them that you bet they got them at K-Mart
81) Use poor grammar
82) Ask people why they want to hurt you
83) Guess what ethnicity other people are. Do a poor job of guessing on purpose
84) Tell oriental people how badly they got their asses kicked in WWII. Laugh at Hiroshima
85) Insist that the class you are in should make its own Constitution and conquer the rest of the school
86) Ask people what it's like to be gay
87) Mix ebonics with an English accent
88) Head butt other people as hard as you can
89) Try to sell people "magic potions" you concocted in the bathroom
90) Sell crack fiends talcum powder
91) Tell people how much you hate their name and that if you were them, you'd surely change it
92) Ask people, "How much did the plastic surgery cost?" 93) Threaten to slit your wrists if your teacher gives you homework
94) Ask people if they will come to your funeral
95) Tell people how ugly you think their parents are
96) Ask people why they don't like you 97) When people tell you their weekend plans, tell them that they can do anything if they put their mind to it
98) When returning from summer vacation, ask random people how much weight they put on
99) Turn in the names of several people to the guidance counselor claiming that they have the "Brain Fever"
100) Jump to your feet and start dancing in the middle of class. Insist it's that damn boogie fever that's been going around
101) Spell out various words instead of saying them
102) Tell your friends how much you despise short people
103) Tell pretty girls that you had a naughty dream about them last night
104) Censor yourself by making loud beeping noises in the place of an obscenity
105) Gargle anything before you swallow it
106) Give people spit baths
107) Inform people that you think they look ill
108) Ask people who dressed them today
109) Wear your underpants on the outside of your clothes
110) Write important letters in crayon
111) Dare people to do very painful things to themselves. Call them names if they refuse to do so
112) When facing a dilemma, ask yourself loudly what Sting would do
113) Roll up your shirt sleeves
114) Ask teachers if they are under the influence
115) Tell your friends how they should be more like a certain teacher at your school
116) Lick yourself in class claiming that you don't have the time for a bath tonight
117) Ask to go to the nurse's office for a bad hair day
118) Buy really ugly Wal-Mart jeans, and sew fake Gap labels on them
119) Tell the gruesome things you would do to Superman if you ever caught him in your part of the neighborhood
120) Ask Native American students at yours school if they still scalp people
121) Tell every girl or guy that he/she is the girl/guy of your dreams... and without them you'd never be as great as you are now
122) Bring your own set of eating utensils to lunch
123) Ask people what sex they are
124) Always keep plenty of Vaseline on your fingertips so that everything you touch is nice and greasy
125) Give your prediction of the exact date the world will end. Make sure the date is in the very near future
126) Ask teachers to pay you for your services
127) Throw a fit when you don't get your way
128) Don't make plans for anything more than an hour away, because you'll probably die before then anyways
129) Head bang to Kenny G
130) Slow dance to Metallica
131) Walk very very slowly in front of other people in a narrow hallway
132) Walk closely behind other people
133) Have 'flashbacks to 'Nam'
134) Relate every conversation you have that day to the Wizard of Oz (ie I'm just as broken hearted as the Tin Man) 135) Ask people if they've heard the new Nirvana or Doors song
136) Give yourself a purple heart for the minor injuries you've sustained that day
137) Hitchhike in school hallways
138) Smack people in the face then run away screaming
139) Claim that you taugh John Wayne everything he knows
140) Give teachers letter grades based on their performance in class. Send deficiency notices to their homes, demanding that their parents sign it and return it in two days
141) Comment on teachers clothing
142) If you find out that you aren't failing a class, flash the V for Victory sign and dance a jig. Ask your teachers if they are proud of you
143) Fall down on purpose, then get back up and tell people that there is a $500 bounty on the man that made you fall
144) Put pictures of yourself in your locker. If there are other people in the picture, scribble out their faces with an ink pen
145) Tap dance your way to every class
146) Take the tabloids very seriously. Comment on them as much as possible
147) Claim that it's hard to concentrate in class "what with all the noises and such" 148) Add "and such" to the end of every sentence
149) Bake cookies, but purposely forget a single, vital ingredient in them... like sugar.
150) Force praise out of people by putting yourself down
151) Constantly flash the "I love you" sign when good things happen