Johnny M’s University Lessons: Sophomore Edition

By Jon-Michael Falconer

University Lesson #1: Only in university can you walk around campus, see a shopping cart sitting in the river nearby, and think nothing of it.

University Lesson #2: If an 8:30 am class is required for your major, change your major. It’s just not worth it.

University Lesson #3: You know you're a university student if you have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers sleeping on your floor.

University Lesson #4: The biggest difference between residence and living off campus: 2-ply toilet paper. You never realize how much you miss it until you spend 8 chafed months in residence without it.

University Lesson #5: Getting to sleep at 3 AM is a good night.

University Lesson #6: Science, Engineering, and Math profs are a lot like Jean Chretien in that they speak neither English nor their native language fluently.

University Lesson #7: A keg party is the quintessential sophomore experience. Beware, though... you're just asking for trouble if you feel that you need to get the most out of your 10 bucks and drink the place dry.

University Lesson #8: For those who take a probability course, you'll quickly learn that math's only interesting application to the real world involves gambling (i.e. flipping coins, rolling dice, dealing cards, etc.)

University Lesson #9: Forget the "frosh 15". A steady diet of Mr. Noodle, pizza, and beer (a standard sophomore diet) will pack on the pounds like you wouldn't believe.”.

University Lesson #10: Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page PhD thesis.

University Lesson #11: If you drink enough coffee, sleep will seem like a strictly optional activity.

University Lesson #12: The moment you start playing network games with your roommates is the beginning of the demise of your university career because once you've started, you'll never get any work done.

University Lesson #13: Students will never be fully satisfied with the university administration until tuition is cheap, 8:30 a.m. classes are outlawed, and foreign profs are required to pass the English Language Proficiency Exam like the rest of us.

University Lesson #14: Going from a high school of 500 students to a university of 18000 may make a person want to change their appearance to stand out more and retain their individualism. A wilder hairstyle is not recommended. (Click here to see why.)

University Lesson #15: If you're ever feeling down or stressed out about school, just think of the stoners from your old high school that never graduated and are now flipping burgers or working at Wal-Mart, and suddenly things won't seem so bad after all.

Want to read more? Click here to see the freshman edition of Johnny M’s University Lessons.