Johnny M’s University Lessons: Freshman Edition

By Jon-Michael Falconer

University Lesson #1: Do not leave homework until the last minute.

University Lesson #2: If you cannot pronounce the last name of your professor, odds are that you will have a hard time understanding them.

University Lesson #3: Do not let your parents browse through the free stuff that you get during frosh week, for there will be an awkward pause when they see the free condoms in the bag.

University Lesson #4: In a pinch, a protractor can be used as a spoon, or as a fork.

University Lesson #5: Through an odd warping of the space-time continuum, profs are able to talk for 2 hours in a 50 minute lecture.

University Lesson #6: You must either be a fan of either hip-hop or techno. There is nothing else playing in residence.

University Lesson #7: 6 beers and a toga will make a dancing machine out of any nerd.

University Lesson #8: Take advantage of your profs (no, not like that!!!) They have an almost infinite amount of knowledge, and can convey it to you easily and thoroughly (unless lesson #2 applies).

University Lesson #9: When standing in line waiting to get into the bookstore, it is not wise to start humming the theme from “The Simpsons”.

University Lesson #10: When drunk, making a 15 ft. high pyramid out of picnic tables can make a lot of sense.

University Lesson #11: Although the guys in the bio labs are working on it, money does not grow on trees, so spend wisely.

University Lesson #12: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

University Lesson #13: Do not get into lengthy conversations with your professor about course material unless you actually know the material, because they’ll find out about your lack of knowledge sooner or later.

University Lesson #14: Learning Japanese can be quite useful, especially if you are the only non-Asian in a class of 40.

University Lesson #15: Take an interest in the game of football, because on Sunday afternoons the local jocks hog every TV in residence just to watch the NFL.

University Lesson #16: When decorating your room in residence, have plenty of duct tape on hand. It can be both practical and decorative.

University Lesson #17: Professors often admit that their handwriting is bad, but they never do anything about it.

University Lesson #18: Textbooks can double as a quality hammer (Calculus textbooks especially).

University Lesson #19: If it moves, it’s Biology. If it smells, it’s Chemistry. If it has no application in the real world, it’s Mathematics.

University Lesson #20: Nothing interrupts a good lecture better than someone’s cell phone ringing, especially when the ring tone happens to be the tune from “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”.

Want to read more? Click here to see the sophomore edition of Johnny M’s University Lessons.