Baseball Quotations

"There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately neither works."

Charlie Lau

"Close don't count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades."

Frank Robinson

"Open up a ballplayer's head and you know what you'll find? A lot of little broads
and a jazz band."

Mayo Smith

"Either you give me what I demand, or I'll take what you're offering!"

Joe Torre -the ultimatum repeated for the press, which he gave to the Cardinals 
during salary negotiations in March 1971.

"I'm throwing twice as hard but the ball is getting there half as fast."

 Lefty Grove on aging

"Hating the Yankees isn't a part of my act; it is one of those exquisite
 times when life and art are in perfect conjunction."

 Bill Veeck

 "Sooner or later, the lame, the halt and the blind all seek refuge with us."

 Bill Veeck on the 1977 White Sox

"I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me...but I beat
 the bastards and left them in the ditch."

 Ty Cobb

"Explaining to your wife why she needs a penicillin shot for your kidney infection."

Mike Hegan on "what's the most difficult thing about playing baseball." 

"You know Earl. He's not happy unless he's not happy." 

Elrod Hendricks on Earl Weaver 

"There are only two kinds of managers. Winning managers and ex-managers." 

Gil Hodges 

"Fans don't boo nobodies." 

Reggie Jackson 

"As Joe Morgan always said, we've got to stay out of the double play - 
and tonight we did....Only the Red Sox could do something like that, only the Red Sox." 

Dennis Lamp after the Minnesota Twins turned two triple plays on the Red Sox. 

"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem 
on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game." 

Jim Leyland as Pirates manager 

"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You only eat when the Cubs win." 

George Shearing 

"It isn't the high price of stars that is expensive, it's the high price of mediocrity." 

Bill Veeck as White Sox owner 
 
"Least Popular Attractions at the Baseball Hall of Fame"
As presented on the 08/04/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN  

   10.Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself 
   9. The hall of pitchers who threw like girls 
   8. Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hot dogs 
   7. Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove 
   6. Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu 
   5. Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples 
   4. Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder 
   3. 1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname 
   2. The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank 
   1. Tobacco spit flume ride 

"The Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Major League Baseball" 
As presented on the 02/20/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 

   10."Groin pulls? We got 'em!" 
   9. "Slightly more exciting than badminton!" 
   8. "We wanna get to third base with you." 
   7. "If you build it, they'll go on strike." 
   6. "Sit within spitting distance of Roberto Alomar." 
   5. "Slower than a slug dipped in cough syrup." 
   4. "The game as big as Cecil Fielder." 
   3. "If you do the watchin', we'll do the scratchin'." 
   2. "Get off your Babe Ruth-sized ass and come see a game!" 
   1. "Hey -- choke up on this!" 

"Ways Major League Baseball Teams Can Win Back The Fans" 
As presented on the 5/8/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 

   10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
   9. All players must squat like catcher for entire game 
   8. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes? 
   7. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game 
   6. Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around 
   5. At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of the home team 
   4. For just three dollars over the regular ticket price, you get to "do it" with
      the Philly Phanatic 
   3. Every time a player grabs himself you hear this(SFX:slide whistle) 
   2. Buy a ticket to a Mets game -- get a free ticket to a Mets trial! 
   1. 9 players, 8 uniforms 

"Proposed New Baseball Rules" 
As presented on the 8/23/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 

   10. Clothing optional in dugouts 
   9. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question 
   8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game 
   7. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie,"Scooter," or "Pee Wee" 
   6. Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in 
   5. No more keeping your eye on the ball 
   4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite 
   3. If the catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your wife in the  
      stands for awhile 
   2. No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson jurors 
   1. Reach a base. Do a shot 

"Baseball is not necessarily an obsessive-compulsive disorder, like washing your
 hands 100 times a day, but it's beginning to seem that way. We're reaching the
 point where you can be a truly dedicated, state-of-art fan or you can have a life.
 Take your pick.
 
Thomas Boswell 

"One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule." 

"When I started it was played by nine tough competitors on grass, in graceful ball parks.
By the time I finished,  there were ten men on each side, the game was played indoors, 
on plastic, and I had to spend half my time watching out for a man dressed in a chicken 
suit trying to kiss me." 

"Whenever an umpire settles down to reminisce about his career, he will invariably 
begin with the six most accurate words in the English language. It wasn't funny at 
the time." 

Ron Luciano 

"The second one lets the hitter know what you meant by the first one." 

Sal Maglie (on the second knockdown pitch) 

"Baseball is pitching, 3-run homers, and fundamentals." 

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." 

Earl Weaver 

"I've heard of guys going 0-for-15, or 0-for-25, but I was 0-for-July."

Bob Aspromonte 

"He had the greatest day since Lizzie Borden got 2 for 2 in Fall River, Massachusetts." 

Bugs Baer 

"I just pick it up and throw it. He hit it. They scored. We didn't. That's it.
 It's over. It's history. OK?." 

Vida Blue explaining a game to a reporter 

"Several rules of stadium building should be carved on every owner's forehead.
 Old, if properly refurbished, is always better than new. Smaller is better
 than bigger. Open is better than closed. Near beats far. Silent visual effects
 are better than loud ones. Eye pollution hurts attendance. Inside should look
 as good as outside. Domed stadiums are criminal."
 
Thomas Boswell 

"Whoever dreamed that Pete Rose, who's given us such childish pleasure, would 
now give us such deeply adult pain?" 

Thomas Boswell 

"If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have made the trade. But if I knew
 what I know now, I wouldn't have voted for Richard Nixon." 

Hank Peters who as the Orioles general manager who traded for Reggie Jackson 
only to see him become a free agent and leave. 

Don Carmen's List of Responses to Reporters 

"You saw the game .... Take what you need." 
"I'm just glad to be here. I just want to help the club any way I can.
"Baseball's a funny game."
"I'd rather be lucky than good."
"We're going to take the season one game at a time."
"You're only good as your last game (last at bat)."
"This game has really changed."
"If we stay healthy we should be right there."
"It takes 24 (25) players."
"We need two more players to take us over the top. Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig."
"We have a different hero every day."
"We'll get 'em tomorrow."
"This team seems ready to gel."
"With a couple of breaks, we win that game."
"That All-Star voting is a joke."
"the catcher and I were on the same wavelength."
"I just went right at 'em."
"I did my best ands that's all I can do."
"You just can't pitch behind."
"That's the name of the game."
"We've just got to have fun."
"I didn't have my good stuff, but I battled 'em."
"Give the guy some credit; he hit a good pitch."
"Hey, we were due to catch a break or two."
"Yes"
"No"
"That's why they pay him $______million."
"Even I could hit that pitch."
"I know you are but what am I."
"I was getting my off-speed stuff over so they couldn't sit on my fastball."
"I have my at-em ball going today."
"I have some great plays made behind me tonight."
"I couldn't have done it without my teammates."
"You saw it ...write it."
"I just wanted to go as hard as I could as long as I could."
"I'm seeing the ball real good."
"I hit that ball good."
"I don't get paid to hit."

The Phillies reliever had these cliches posted on his locker during the 1990 season.