(The scene opens and we find ourselves watching...the Simpsons?! What the...I thought this was Hype TV, the BSPW's promo network. Ah what the fuck...the Simpsons is probably more entertaining than most of the promos run on this channel. Wait, this episode looks familiar. The big chili cook off...yes that's it. The one where Homer eats those merciful hot peppers and starts tripping. Wait a second...now Seinfeld is on the screen. Oh, this one is a classic...this is the one with the contest of who could hold out the longest without masturbating. Are you master of your domain? I didn't think so. Wait a second, the screen changes once again and this time, Friends is on. I remember this episode, this is the one where Rachel and Monica bet the apartment away to Joey and Chandler. What the...can't we just keep it on one damn channel? The screen changes once more and this time we're presented with the Drew Carrey Show. Don't ask me which episode this is cuz honestly, I've never seen the damn show. The screen changes once more and now the Brady Bunch. The screen changes again and again and again before finally we're presented with nothing but static. Wait, the camera begins zooming out and we realize we were watching someone's else's television set. The camera zooms out more and pans the room until we see none other than Jack Daniels, relaxing in a recliner with a remote in his hand. Daniels turns to the camera and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Re-runs. This is the kinda crap ya see all fuckin' day long when you're watchin' the boob tube. Whether it be Fox, Abc, Nbc, Upn...or even more than any other station...the BSPW promo Network. Yeah, that's exactly what ya see each and every fuckin' week when ya tune in to watch some pathetic jackass tell his opponent just how much he sucks and just how bad he's gonna whopp his ass. Well, with the exception of the BSPW's biggest superstar...moi, Jack Fuckin' Daniels. And such is the case with one of this drunken bastard's opponents for this week...Grady Smith.
Grady...have ya listened to yourself lately? What lately. Have ya listened to yourself throughout your career period? You're like a broken fuckin' record, especially when it comes time to toss out smack 'bout Jack Daniels. *Imitating Grady* Jack, you're too old. Jack, you're a lush. Jack, you're dead wrong *end of imitating*. No no...ya see Grady, it's ya that's dead wrong. Just take a look at this drunken bastard right now...still in his prime whoopin' ass and takin' names week in and week out. The man responsible for the life and well bein' of the BSPW and forcin' your two former butt buddies out and back onto the unemployment line. Jack Daniels has kept those drunken asses in the seats at the Coconut Cove Arena. Jack Daniels has kept the ratings up everytime this drunken mug graces the camera and mixes up 'nother one of his drunken promos. Jack Daniels has brought dignity and respect to the BSPW.
So with all of that in mind Granny, let me ask ya this...what have ya done lately? Well except for have your ass whooped and humiliated? What have ya done for the BSPW or the rasslin' industry lately? Absolutely-fuckin'-nuttin'. Ya see, there was a time in your career Grady when people actually thought ya were good. There was a time in your career when people were actually afraid to step in the ring 'gainst ya cuz they knew they would lose. But now...now they can't fuckin' wait cuz they know all it is, is 'nother win up on the chalkboard for 'em. They know they have nuttin' to fear cuz ya ain't what ya used to be. Yeah that's it Grady, go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the question "Is this what I have become...a joke?"
Why don't ya let Jack Daniels answer that for ya...no, you're not a joke.
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' JOKE AND A HALF!
You're like a bad re-run Grady that no one wants to watch anymore. At first it's ground breaking and entertaining. Then it's a bit played, but still entertainin'. But in the end...it's unbearable and just plain pathetic.
The truth hurts...don't it bitch?
But when rockbottom is reached, that's when your supportin' cast comes into play. And this week, along your side ya have...uhhh...ya have...some jackass that obviously don't mean jack if this drunken bastard can't remember his damn name. *Daniels reaches over to a table and shuffles through some papers until he finds the one he's looking for* Ah...Marty Kling.
Now Jack Daniels knows exactly what you're thinkin' Kling. Yeah this drunken bastard knows your name jackass, but ya see, ya just quite ain't worthy 'nuff to have it said by a legend as myself. But aside from that...ya think ya have the advantage in this match. No no...ya know ya do. Ya stop and think and realize that you're the newcomer here. Ya came out of the fuckin' woods and entered the BSPW without anyone knowin' what you're all 'bout. Ya realize that such a superstar like Jack Daniels doesn't have time and doesn't give two shits just who ya are and what you're all 'bout. Now ya may be right 'bout that, but to think that ya hold the upper hand here and could come out and surprise the shit outta this drunken bastard and my baked bastard of a partner...well as your jackass partner would say...you're dead wrong bitch.
Take a look at the whole picture Klang. You're a peon' teamin' up with a former somebody, currently nuttin' but a fuckin' peon as well. Ya think for one second he's gonna let ya have the spotlight, let 'lone trust ya? Ya think that when his ass is bein' handed to him on a fuckin' silver platter, he's gonna reach over to tag ya in only to have your ass whooped from pillar to post? I don't fuckin' think so. Ya see, Jack Daniels knows Grady Smith better than anyone else. What's that ya say, how do ya win over his trust? Well Grady likes gifts...he likes to feel like someone actually give a flyin' fuck 'bout his existence. So get a pen and paper and write down these possible suggestions.
1. Some ben gay for his arthritis and minor aches and pains. Ya know these rings don't have as much give as they used to have back in the stone age, the ones Grady is accustomed to.
2. Some viagara. Word got 'round from a certain Sunny Bunny's grandmother that his endurance has diminished.
And last but not least...are ya writin' these down Klown? Good, cuz the last one is something ya might really wanna consider since ya can also benefit from it...
A FUCKIN' MIRACLE!
Cuz ya see, Johnny Blaze and Jack Daniels are out to make damn sure that every single motherfucker on the face of this earth knows exactly who's runnin' shit 'round here. Smirt, 'Wood and Crip all found that out last week. And now it's your turn to realize that we ain't to be fucked with.
Sunday night...both of ya jackasses are gonna be handed 101 proof ass whoopens from Johnnie and Jack.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!