(The scene opens and we find ourselves on the streets of Milwaukee, site of the EWA's next installments of shows. And walking along the streets is none other than 1/2 of the EWA Tag Team Champions, Jack Daniels. Daniels is walking along taking in what Milwaukee has to offer as he begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know what Milwaukee reminds me of? Pussies. No no...Jack Daniels ain't talkin' 'bout the kind of pussy that Venom loves to get a taste of and then rip apart. Jack Daniels is talkin' 'bout the typ of pussy that backs down from a fight...the type of pussy that hides behind others...the type of pussy that drinks beer. Ya know, all this talk 'bout pussies brings to my drunken mind, my opponent for this week's events...Sean Boden. What basis does Jack Daniels have for pretty much flat out callin' Boden a pussy? Hell, does Jack Daniels need any reason? Fact is, Jack Daniels doesn't need any reason to do or say anythin'. But just to make matters right, I got a list a mile fuckin' long that falt out makes Boden the pure definition for the word pussy...and no not the cat definition either. Yeah, ya can call me a Webster's dictionary...but after Wednesday night is all said and done Boden, you're gonna be callin' me your almighty fuckin' God, cuz quite frankly, that's exactly what I am to your pathetic ass.
Now Jack Daniels realizes that you're on some kind of roll here...the roll of your life. Ya had yourself some pathetic program with that piece of morbid trash Zero, and suddenly your name was known for a change to the rasslin' world. It wasn't, "Hey did ya see that match between Joe Lemon and what's his name...that guy whose first gimmick was mimickin' people, makin' a jackass out of himself each and every time." No, that wasn't ya anymore. Suddenly, ya had a name and people started payin' attention to your matches and promos, as torturous as that might sound. But ya see Boden, don't blow your load all over yourself just yet, cuz ya see, there's a difference between payin' attention to something or someone...and actually givin' two shits. Don't let it all go to your head bitch. People might have opened their eyes and their ears to ya for some unexplainable reason. But ya see, the fact of the matter is, they haven't opened their hearts nor their minds towards ya Boden. And don't think that for onse single solitary second that just cuz ya got some gold wrapped 'round your waist, that it makes ya a big name 'round here, cuz the fact of the matter is it doesn't make ya shit. Big-fuckin'-deal...ya got yourself the NYSWF World Title. Whoop-te-fuckin'-do...Sean Boden actually has himself a piece of two cent gold that doesn't mean jack shit in this circuit to anyone, except a couple of goths and a handful of marks that wouldn't know the difference from their ass and a hole int he ground. So what does that make ya Boden? It makes ya their leader. It makes ya the leader of the goths...the leader of the scumbags...the leader of the nobodies...the leader of the jackasses. And the sad part is that you're proud of it. Damn bitch, ya got a lot to learn.
And it all starts with gold Boden. Yeah, ya have had your share of gold throughout the years, but there's a few things that ya don't realize especially with the NYSWF World's Most Pathetic Title. Ya think that's your ticket to stardom...your ticket to the top of the rasslin' world. Hell, Jack Daniels thought the same exact thing when he won that meaningless title...all three times. But did it get Jack Daniels anywhere then? Not a fuckin' chance. Titles are supposed to bring a sense of recognition and greatness to the holder, but instead it brought me one headache after 'nother...it brought me fuckin' nuttin'. And all it's gonna bring ya is a bunch of goth followers kissin' your pathetic ass while you're busy bein' a nobody. But that's not the only gold ya canlay claim to right now. It seems as if ya stumbled upon a piece of gold that Jack Daniels is very familiar with...hardcore gold, more specifically the EWA Hardcore Title. Now take an overview of the picture at hand here Boden. We got theEWA and the NYSWF in this circuit, both competin' 'gainst one 'nother. In fact, both feds have even gone as far as to invade each others' premiere events and makin' noise. Hell, FTW did just that this past weekendin Austria when we showed your punk asses just how business is taken care of. And now, here's ya Boden, holder of the NYSWF Title and the EWA Hardcore Title. Something just doesn't seem right here, holdin' a title in each fed. And ya know there ain't no way that either Gates or the fed head's cock ya sucked for the other title, would let ya hold their title while holdin' the other's. To make a long story short here...Gates set ya up to lose the Hardcore title to a hardcore legend himself in Jack Daniels. Now choke on that slappy.
(Daniels conitnues walking until he spots something that makes him stop. He thinks for a second and then speaks...)
Jack Daniels: Maybe it's time to find out just how hardcore Boden really is.
(Daniels opens a door and walks into a building. Just as the camera ia about to follow Daniels in, it pans up and gets a shot of the sign and it reads "Videos 'R Us". What the...let's just find out what's going on. Daniels is in the store and is lookin' 'round until he spots an employee and asks him a question.)
Jack Daniels: Hey buddy, I'm tryin' to find out some info on this one person. Have any idea where his tapes would be?
Employee: Documentaries are in the sixth aisle on the left.
Jack Daniels: No no..I ain't lookin' for no documentary on this jackass. I'm lookin' for some of his past work. It might give me an idea of how to handle him in our upcomin' match tomorrow night.
Employee: Match? Well I take it that it's some sort of sport.
Jack Daniels: No no...it's not a sport slappy...it's a way of life. And it's called rasslin'.
Employee: Special Interests...last aisle on the right.
(Daniels makes his way over to where the employee directed him to...)
Jack Daniels: Seein' as how Jack Daniels has never had the patience or has never been drunk 'nuff to sit through one of your matches, except the ones where Jack Daniels was the one whoopin' your sorry mimickin' ass...I figured I'd shoot some novacaine in my legs, have toothpicks keep my eyelids open and tie my hands behind my back in order to sit through on of your performances. It's gotta be the only way that it could be done. Ah here are the rasslin' videos, and of course there aren't nay with Boden on 'em. We want people to actually rent 'em right? So there's no chance in hell that would happen if Boden was even remotely mentioned on the video, we might as well take a look at 'nother section of videos where we can find out just how hardcore Boden really is. Now it's gotta be 'round here somewhere...ah here they are. (The camera looks up and spots a sign "Mature Videos") Now we find out just how hardcore Boden really is. Nah, straight videos ain't his thing. Ah, here we go, men on men videos...here's where Boden is a vikin'. How 'bout this one..."Goths Suckin' and Fuckin' Till They Die". Look at this, starrin' who else but Sean Boden, Coery Collins and the rest of their cast of characters from New York. (Daniels turns the box around and glances at the back of it before turning away in disgust) Oh, god damn that was pure sickenin'. It makes the whole Gates and Laura night at the motel almost watchable. Wait, how 'about this one..."Boden Bonin' Boys". Hmm, what's this one all 'bout? (Daniels turns the video box over and looks at it and reads from it) Watch as the bangin', boinkin', bonin' Boden tries somethin' new...little boys. Watch him practically ass rape a twelve year old boy scout...Oh jesus christ that is fuckin' dispictable...but quite hardcore I must admit. I think I had 'nuff hardcore Boden for one day.
(Daniels walks out of the sotre and shakes his head in order to regain himself and come back to his senses after viewing such filth. Daniels rubs his eyes, tryin' to erase from his memory what he saw and then conitnues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Damn Boden, I can see why no one has even remotely tried to take that hardcore title away from ya, and I couldn't blame 'em one fuckin' bit. But that ain't gonna stop Jack Daniels from takin' that gold from 'round your waist and finally bring the EWA Hardcore Title a sense of repsect and decency. Ya know, ya can sit here Boden and tell me all your hardcore moments. (Imitating Boden) I raped small children. I'M HARDCORE! I'M HARDCORE! Look, I can floss my teeth with an extra thick cable wire. I'M HARDCORE! I'M HARDCORE! I have two titles that I absolutely don't deserve. I'M HARDCORE! I'M HARDCORE! (End of imitation) No Boden...you're a FUCKIN' JACKASS is what ya are. Ya wanna talk hardcore bitch? How 'bout gettin' thrown off the Grand Canyon? How 'bout fallin' forty some feet off of the jumbotron through three stories of tables? How 'bout gettin' shot with a nail gun in the arm? How 'bout bein' wrapped in barb wire and gettin' hit some fourteen consecutive times with a steel chair? How 'bout ya actually grow some peach fuzz on your balls and attempt a fraction of the things Jack Daniels has been through and then give Jack Daniels a call and talk to him 'bout hardcore. But until then...ya have no right...and Jack Daniels means NO FUCKIN' RIGHT, to call yourself or label yourself as hardcore. Well, that is as far as rasslin' is concerned. What ya do with little boys and goths over in New York is 'nother story that quite frankly, no one really needs to hear 'bout.
But what ya need to hear is how Jack Daniels has been carryin' the EWA since day one Boden. All ya are is the cinderella story of the EWA that's gonna turn into a pumpkin by Wednesday night that Jack Daniels is gonna squash and make pumpkin pie outta ya. It's been Jack Daniels...Hardin' Cash...Venom, basically FTW that makes the EWA what it is today. When it was time to make an impact out east in New York and put 'em motherfuckers in their place, it was the FTW that did that. I didn't see ya or your other butt buddies in the Triple Threat do jack shit 'bout it except mark out for when FTW took care of business like only we can. It's time to get ya off cloud nine Boden, and bring ya down to this little place we call reality. And in reality, Jack Daniels is the man who runs the show...who decides who lives and who lives by only an inch of their pathetic lives. And ya know Boden, I feel that hardcore side of Jack Daniels comin' on which can only mean one thing...to quote good ol' Wood...it most definitely sux2bu.
Boden...say goodnight to dreamland up in cloud nine and cuz Wednesday night, you're gonna say hello to REALITY BITCH!
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(And with that, the scene fades to the image of Daniels and to the thoughts of Boden banging twelve year old boys...ewwww NOOOO!! The scene fades to black...ah much much better...)